Just when I thought I’d seen everything, along comes Bat
Pussy. I have seen some jaw-dropping monuments
of WTF Cinema in my time. Nothing could
have prepared me for this.
It is on the surface, a porn parody of Batman. I’m sure you’ve all seen XXX versions of
superhero movies (or at the very least know one or two of them by title
alone). This one was the first.
Let’s just say they hadn’t worked the bugs out yet.
In fact, I’m not sure that anyone involved knew how to make
a movie. In fact, I’m not sure that
anyone involved knew how to have sex. To
say Bat Pussy features the least sexiest sex scenes in motion picture history
is an understatement of immense proportions.
This isn’t a “So Bad It’s Good” movie. This thing goes beyond mere labels. It exists as a portal into a time in the
early ‘70s when someone filmed two ugly human beings writhing around repeating the same lines of dialogue over and over while failing time and again
to complete the most basic of sex acts on a beat-up mattress. Sometimes, you can hear the director
talking. Sometimes, you can hear him
belching. Sometimes, the off-camera
chatter is clumsily edited out, leading to odd, soundless sections of
film. Sometimes, the actors can’t hear
what the director is saying, so they look directly at the camera and ask, “HUH?”
Folks, Tonya Harding’s sex tape had better sex choreography
than this.
There’s something to Bat Pussy that makes it more than a sum
of its parts. Maybe it’s the Robert
Altmanesque overlapping dialogue combined with Ed Wood’s patented one-take
philosophy. Maybe it was the John Waters
knack for casting coupled with Tommy Wiseau’s penchant for ass shots. Whatever it is, you can’t take your eyes off
it, even when your eyes are threatening a revolt.
The actors, Buddy and Sam keep repeating the same dialogue over
and over. It’s as if they forgot what
line came next, so they keep saying it again and again. The thing is, the way they accuse each other
of their various philandering and sexual inadequacies is almost unnerving. Since their sexual inadequacies are in plain
sight for all to see, it makes you feel as if you’re peering into a window that
never should’ve been opened.
You get a feeling early on that there’s more going on with
these two than just the filming of a movie. Often you feel like you’re getting a glimpse
of their martial counseling sessions. Or
maybe a look backstage before they go on Jerry Springer. When Buddy can’t get it up, the obscenities are
hurled left and right, creating drama of the highest order. I think Tennessee Williams himself would’ve admired
it.
I haven’t even gotten around to talking about Bat Pussy herself
yet. She’s played by Dora Dildo. She hangs around on a couch until her twat
begins to twitch. This is obviously the
sign that someone is making a smut movie in her town. She then takes it upon herself to stop it.
It is here where we are treated to a long scene of putting
on her costume. The costume itself isn’t
bad. I’ve certainly seen worse. It’s her mode of transportation that will
have your jaw hanging agape. The filmmakers
apparently couldn’t afford a Batmobile, so instead, they give her a Hippity Hop
to get around on. I’m not making this up.
If the endless scenes of Buddy and Sam
bickering back and forth didn’t make you doubt your sanity, the scenes of Bat
Pussy on her Hippity Hop (accompanied by a hilarious “boing-boing” sound
effect) will.
It gets better. Once Bat
Pussy finally finds Buddy and Sam, they have a three-way. Throughout the menage a trois, Buddy keeps
calling her “Bat Woman”. He is corrected
several times (by people in front of AND behind the camera), but never seems to
be able to keep it straight.
In short, if you have fifty minutes of your life to devote to
watching one of the most awesome pieces of celluloid ever discovered, then you
should by all means watch Bat Pussy.
