BAT PUSSY (1973) ****

Just when I thought I’d seen everything, along comes Bat Pussy.  I have seen some jaw-dropping monuments of WTF Cinema in my time.  Nothing could have prepared me for this.

It is on the surface, a porn parody of Batman.  I’m sure you’ve all seen XXX versions of superhero movies (or at the very least know one or two of them by title alone).  This one was the first.  

Let’s just say they hadn’t worked the bugs out yet.

In fact, I’m not sure that anyone involved knew how to make a movie.  In fact, I’m not sure that anyone involved knew how to have sex.  To say Bat Pussy features the least sexiest sex scenes in motion picture history is an understatement of immense proportions.  

This isn’t a “So Bad It’s Good” movie.  This thing goes beyond mere labels.  It exists as a portal into a time in the early ‘70s when someone filmed two ugly human beings writhing around repeating the same lines of dialogue over and over while failing time and again to complete the most basic of sex acts on a beat-up mattress.  Sometimes, you can hear the director talking.  Sometimes, you can hear him belching.  Sometimes, the off-camera chatter is clumsily edited out, leading to odd, soundless sections of film.  Sometimes, the actors can’t hear what the director is saying, so they look directly at the camera and ask, “HUH?”

Folks, Tonya Harding’s sex tape had better sex choreography than this.

There’s something to Bat Pussy that makes it more than a sum of its parts.  Maybe it’s the Robert Altmanesque overlapping dialogue combined with Ed Wood’s patented one-take philosophy.  Maybe it was the John Waters knack for casting coupled with Tommy Wiseau’s penchant for ass shots.  Whatever it is, you can’t take your eyes off it, even when your eyes are threatening a revolt.

The actors, Buddy and Sam keep repeating the same dialogue over and over.  It’s as if they forgot what line came next, so they keep saying it again and again.  The thing is, the way they accuse each other of their various philandering and sexual inadequacies is almost unnerving.  Since their sexual inadequacies are in plain sight for all to see, it makes you feel as if you’re peering into a window that never should’ve been opened.  

You get a feeling early on that there’s more going on with these two than just the filming of a movie.  Often you feel like you’re getting a glimpse of their martial counseling sessions.  Or maybe a look backstage before they go on Jerry Springer.  When Buddy can’t get it up, the obscenities are hurled left and right, creating drama of the highest order.  I think Tennessee Williams himself would’ve admired it.

I haven’t even gotten around to talking about Bat Pussy herself yet.  She’s played by Dora Dildo.  She hangs around on a couch until her twat begins to twitch.  This is obviously the sign that someone is making a smut movie in her town.  She then takes it upon herself to stop it.

It is here where we are treated to a long scene of putting on her costume.  The costume itself isn’t bad.  I’ve certainly seen worse.  It’s her mode of transportation that will have your jaw hanging agape.  The filmmakers apparently couldn’t afford a Batmobile, so instead, they give her a Hippity Hop to get around on.  I’m not making this up.  If the endless scenes of Buddy and Sam bickering back and forth didn’t make you doubt your sanity, the scenes of Bat Pussy on her Hippity Hop (accompanied by a hilarious “boing-boing” sound effect) will.

It gets better.  Once Bat Pussy finally finds Buddy and Sam, they have a three-way.  Throughout the menage a trois, Buddy keeps calling her “Bat Woman”.  He is corrected several times (by people in front of AND behind the camera), but never seems to be able to keep it straight.

In short, if you have fifty minutes of your life to devote to watching one of the most awesome pieces of celluloid ever discovered, then you should by all means watch Bat Pussy.