THE BOSS (1973) **

Henry Silva stars as a hit man who in the opening scene, gets the drop on a bunch of gangsters and blows them up while they're watching a skin flick.  This sequence is dirty, mean, and violent and gets things off to a rollicking start.  Too bad nothing else in the rest of the picture can top it.  It’s always a shame when a movie blows its wad right from the get-go.

The gangsters retaliate by kidnapping the daughter of Silva’s mob boss.  They hold her captive and repeatedly rape her.  The thing is, she’s a nymphomaniac and loves the attention.  When Silvia rescues her, she comes on to him and she’s such a fantastic lay that he decides he wants to keep her for himself.  He then sets out to take down her father and become the new mafia boss.

Despite the excellent opening scene, The Boss is a dreary and dull gangster picture.  The constant double-crossing gets tiresome almost immediately and none of the drama with the warring mobsters is very interesting.  The action sequences are few and far between and they do little to spice things up.  There’s one cool stunt where Silva drives directly through a car, effectively cutting it in half, but that’s about it.  Although the nympho subplot helps to make it memorable, this is definitely the weakest film in director Fernando Di Leo’s Milieu Trilogy.

AKA:  Murder Inferno.  AKA:  Wipeout!

TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO (1977) **

Two pilots bringing coffee beans from Ecuador into the country get a nasty surprise when hundreds of poisonous tarantulas sneak aboard their plane.  We eventually learn they're not really tarantulas, but banana spiders.  I guess Banana Spiders:  The Deadly Cargo just doesn't have the same ring to it.  Anyway, the spiders kill everyone on board before making their way to a small town to terrorize the population.

Like all ‘70s Animals Run Amok movies, the mayor is worried that the titular animals will ruin the town’s big day.  In this case, it’s shipping out oranges that are vital to the town’s economy.  It’s then up to fire chief Claude Akins to kill the spiders without damaging the orange crop. 

There’s one memorable, odd moment when two characters have a champagne picnic overlooking the town’s "School for Autistic Children".  Seriously, is that your idea of romance?  I don’t think this guy had much of a chance getting past first base if you ask me.  Thankfully, the children aren’t put in any peril from the spiders, or the picnickers for that matter.  

The early scenes of the pilots bringing the spiders into the country are more fun than any of the nominal drama that happens in the town.  That’s mostly because the pilots are played by Tom Atkins and Howard Hesseman.  They show a lot more spunk and life than anyone else in the cast, that’s for sure.

Akins is OK as the square hero.  Bert Remsen is merely going through the motions though in the thinly-written role of the mayor.  Pat Hingle is also around as the crotchety town doctor and Deadly Friend’s Matthew Labyorteaux plays the token kid in jeopardy.

Like most of these Made for TV movies from the ‘70s, Tarantulas:  The Deadly Cargo is heavily padded to fit in its two-hour time slot.  The finale in which Akins sets out to destroy the spiders is particularly laborious and time-consuming.  It’s also far too tame to make much of an impact as the spider attack scenes lack… ahem… bite.

RUMBLE (2016) ***

From the generic poster, basic premise, and the participation of Gary Daniels, everything about Rumble suggest it's going to be nothing more than your standard issue “They Kidnapped My Girlfriend, So Now I Have to Participate in an Illegal Underground Fighting Tournament” movie.  To be fair, all of that was enough to get me interested in the first place.  I just wasn’t expecting… THIS.

Gary stars as a disgraced cage fighter who is hiding out in Mexico with his ex-hooker girlfriend (Sissi Fleitas).  Naturally, she’s kidnapped, and the only way Gary can get her back is to fight in a series of unsanctioned MMA matches.  In between fights, Gary tries to track down the mystery man who is orchestrating the illegal tournament and save his girlfriend.

Rumble starts off with a bit of an Unknown vibe.  When Gary’s girlfriend goes missing, no one at his hotel seems to remember either of them.  Eventually, he tracks down a bellhop who helps him on his quest to find his girlfriend.  

From here, I thought I could guess where the movie was going.  In fact, I predicted a major plot twist well before it happened.  However, the final twist caused my jaw to drop.  Very rarely do I get fooled by mysteries.  It’s safe to say that you won’t see the big surprise at the end coming.

I wouldn’t dream of spoiling it for you.  All I’ll say is that without that twist, Rumble would’ve been a decent, but forgettable actioner.  That twist is what elevates it into a goddamned work of art.

Daniels is one of those guys who gets better with age.  Here, he plays a character who has been beaten up by life and he does so admirably enough.  He’s especially good in the last five minutes of the movie.  I guarantee you’ll be just as shocked as Gary was during this scene.  This is truly one of his best films and his legions of fans certainly won’t want to miss it.

COMING SOON TO A BOOKSHELF NEAR YOU

FROM THE BACK COVER:  Do you love horror movies? Probably not as much as author Mitch Lovell does. He's been obsessively watching horror movies since the age of five. After three and a half decades of binging horror flicks, he's written about some of his favorite (and not-so favorite) genre films. From '80s slashers to '50s monster movies. From the works of Stephen King to the films from out of the WWE wrestling ring. From killer animals and creepy kids to wicked witches and deranged Satanists. Mitch reviews them all...

PETER RABBIT (2018) **

Paddington 2 was a wonderful movie that featured a talking animal that was made for children, but could be enjoyed by people of all ages because it didn’t cater to the lowest common denominator.  It was a sweet film based on a children’s book that remembered what made the character so special and kept the spirit its author intended.  Peter Rabbit, on the other hand, does none of that.

Would it surprise you that Peter Rabbit has an obnoxious comic montage set to a terrible pop song at nearly every reel change?  Or that Peter’s nemesis, Mr. McGregor (Domhnall Gleeson) gets pelted in the balls with vegetables several times throughout the film?  Paddington 2 took its inspiration from Charlie Chaplin.  This one takes its cues from the Home Alone series.  That alone is the sure sign you’re in trouble.

As a fan of Beatrix Potter’s stories, I did love the flashbacks that were traditionally animated in the style of the old books.  These sequences are sweet and tender.  Why couldn’t the whole movie be like that?  I guess there’s more money in CGI rabbits nailing General Hux in the gonads with radishes than actually staying true to the spirit of the books.

I’m pretty sure Potter is rolling in her grave right about now.  Her corpse undoubtedly started spinning during the scene in which her beloved character tried to sodomize Sam Neill with a carrot.   Though in all fairness, it was kind of funny to see General Hux perform The People’s Elbow on a bunny.

Speaking of which, Gleeson shows promise as a physical comedian.  Even if the gags get repetitive, the way he gleefully throws himself into his pratfalls is admirable.  I’m pretty sure he was jealous that his dad, Brendan was in Paddington 2 and he got stuck making this crap.

One thing I can say for this version of Peter Rabbit:  At least it doesn’t have a theme song as awful as the one from that recent Nickelodeon show.

THE WALK (2015) ****

I wanted to see this in 3-D when it first came out because the trailer was so damned intense.  Sadly, it only lasted a week in theaters, so I never got a chance to see it on the big screen.  Even at home on my smallish Walmart TV, it’s hair-raising stuff.

The Walk is director Robert Zemeckis’ biopic version of the documentary Man on Wire.  It follows French daredevil Philippe Petit (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), who famously walked on a high wire in between the towers of The World Trade Center when it was still under construction in the mid-‘70s.  We see Petit work his way up from common street mime to dedicated tightrope walker.  When he sees a picture of the towers in a newspaper, he sets off on a mad quest to walk a hundred stories above New York City.

Zemeckis takes Petit’s tale and whittles it down to a story of following your dreams, no matter how crazy they seem.  Much of the film coasts on the charms of Gordon-Levitt’s performance, who spends most of his screen time directly addressing the audience.  This is a deft narrative device because it makes the audience feel like a co-conspirator on his scheme.

I loved Man on Wire, but The Walk affected me on a deeper level.  It’s truly an inspiring film that encourages you to follow whatever path you choose in life.  I really wish I saw it in the theater and in 3-D because Zemeckis knows how to throw a lot of stuff at the screen.  The depth of field stuff looks great too when Gordon-Levitt’s up on the wire looking down at the city below.  I can only imagine how it looked on the big screen.  As someone who is already afraid of heights, I probably would’ve been on the edge of my seat the whole last half-hour.

THE DEATH OF “SUPERMAN LIVES”: WHAT HAPPENED? (2015) ***

I remember in the late ‘90s hearing that Tim Burton was going to make a Superman movie based on The Death of Superman comics with Nicolas Cage as Superman and my brain just melted.  You have to remember, in those days, our comic book movies were few and far between.  They didn’t come out at a bi-monthly rate like they do nowadays.  Sadly, it was never to be.

The allure of what could’ve been is shown in tantalizing glimpses in director Jon Schnepp’s The Death of “Superman Lives”:  What Happened?  It is a documentary in the vein of Jodorowsky’s Dune.  Many of the major players in the film including screenwriter Kevin Smith (who reveals he stole the title from Fletch Lives), producer Jon Peters (who, ever the producer, takes a call in the middle of the interview), and director Tim Burton (who sometimes seems annoyed, but keeps his cool).  We even get to see some parts of the film revived via animation that integrates concept art and storyboards.

Unfortunately, Cage is not interviewed, but his quotes during previously taped interviews make it sound like he was approaching the character with respect while simultaneously putting his own quirky spin on it.  The archival footage of his costume fittings is priceless.  Although the much gossiped about “healing suit” is kind of funky, it’s a revelation to hear that it would’ve only taken up two minutes of screen time.  In fact, Cage actually looks badass with his long hair in the final classic Superman get-up.  His take on Clark Kent would’ve been unique too.  From the footage here, he would’ve made Clark a bigger dork than he’s usually portrayed, which could’ve been promising.  

The documentary itself, though a rather star-studded affair, feels a bit low rent.  The production values are a tad below your average behind-the-scenes DVD bonus feature.  Still, from an informational standpoint, any Superman fan worth their salt should walk away happy.

Superman Lives ultimately found life as Superman Returns.  That film, for me, was a mild and forgettable nostalgia fest that coasted heavily on what had come before.  Even with the oddball demands that Peters made to the script (like Brainiac fighting polar bears and Superman battling a giant spider), with Burton at the helm and Cage in the suit, it would’ve (for good or ill) at least been memorable and had its own identity.