14 BLADES (2014) **

Donnie Yen stars as the head of the royal palace guard who was raised from childhood to protect and serve using fourteen sacred blades.  Yen’s mission is to transport a sacred royal seal, but when he is set up and double-crossed, he grabs the seal and heads off to the hills, taking a woman hostage (Zhao Wei) to secure his getaway.  As Yen is hunted down by his own men, he and his captive form a bond.  Together, they wind up fighting alongside a bandit leader (who looks a lot like Captain Jack Sparrow) to take down the corrupt palace guards.

14 Blades has a decent amount of action, although many of the swordfights are marred by too much slow motion (like Yen’s fight with a dreadlocked swordswoman).  They also suffer from some truly laughable CGI.  The scene where the swordswoman’s robe dances in the air as she quickly runs around fighting is extremely cheesy.  

Despite that, there are a handful of memorable moments here.  I liked the badass scene where Yen takes on a bunch of guys singlehandedly while eating a drumstick.  There’s also a pretty good fight where a victor must be declared before a coin stops spinning.  Yen is good, as always, but even he can’t singlehandedly save this slowly-plotted affair.  I did enjoy seeing Sammo Hung popping up as the bitter, legless villain, although he was never really given enough to do for my liking.  

Mostly though, 14 Blades is just too withdrawn and sullen to be much fun.  There are too many lulls in between the action, and the romantic subplot is ineffective for the most part.  Also, at nearly two hours, it’s way too long and inconsistent to be considered a winner.  

AKA:  The Brocaded Robe Guards.

THE SUNSET LIMITED (2011) *** ½

The Sunset Limited is directed by Tommy Lee Jones and stars Jones, Samuel L. Jackson, and four walls, which is fitting since it is a two-character play.  Because it was written and adapted by none other than by Cormac (No Country for Old Men) McCarthy, every word is carefully measured and carries great weight.  Not only is it one of the best McCarthy adaptations, it is a powerhouse showcase for both actors.  

Jones and Jackson sit alone in a sparse apartment.  Jones is White and Jackson is Black.  Through their dialogue, we learn Black saved White from jumping in front of the titular train.  Despite his protests, Black engages him in conversation, hoping that the longer White stays, the less likely he is to try to attempt suicide again.  White obliges the total stranger out of mere courtesy, but it is painfully obvious he can’t stay in that room forever.

Jones and Jackson are like fire and gasoline together.  They elevate what could’ve been in lesser hands an ordinary talk fest and make it into something more.  Jackson attacks the role with his usual bravado.  There’s a jailhouse reminiscence that is just pure Jackson.  You have to wonder why it took so long for him and McCarthy to team up.  Jones is equally captivating.  He dials his usual mannerisms down to a whisper.  World-weary, frail, and haunted, this is one of Jones’ best performances.

As a director, Jones does what he can to make it feel less stage-bound, moving the characters around and getting in a couple of unique camera angles along the way.  The plot spins its wheels a bit too much during the second act.  However, Jones’ final admission is one of the bleakest, dourest, most depressing things ever put on celluloid.  It is a thing of rare beauty to see someone poignantly illustrating the reason they NEED to commit suicide.  Jones puts it in such a way that it leaves Jackson and the audience speechless.  If someone who wants something so bad, who are you to argue with them, especially when they verbalize it so eloquently (even if it is suicide)?

HEAVEN HELP US (1985) ** ½

Dunn (Andrew McCarthy) is a transfer student learning to fit in at an all-boys Catholic school in the mid-‘60s.  There, he has to deal with a wiseass bully (Kevin Dillion) whom he eventually befriends.  When he’s not putting up with the overbearing (not to mention abusive and sadistic) Brother Constance (Jay Patterson), Dunn tries to make romance blossom with a tough-talking (but sweet) girl (Mary Stuart Masterson) who works in a nearby diner.  

Director Michael Dinner (who went on to direct many episodes of Justified) does a good job at setting the time and place.  There are a handful of funny moments that click, like when the students critique and fine-tune each other’s sins just before going to confession.  The movie is better when it’s capturing these little character moments than when it begins leaning into the usual Porky’s-style Teenage Sex Comedy shenanigans.

The scenes that chronicle the abuse the students face at the hands of the vindictive Brother are sort of clunky.  The film can’t decide if he’s the villain or a symbol of a bygone era of corporal punishment.  Because of that, he’s just sort of there.  

The cast is solid through and through, which helps carry you over the bumpy parts.  McCarthy is good, if a bit bland in the lead.  That’s mostly because his character is underwritten, but he does a fine job regardless.  Dillon has the showier role as the brash bully and equips himself nicely.  John Heard makes a memorable impression as the lone pleasant Brother and Donald Sutherland has a few moments to shine as the stern headmaster.  It’s also fun seeing Patrick Dempsey and Stephen Geoffreys making their debuts as McCarthy’s friends.  Wallace Shawn has a funny extended cameo too as the Brother who gives a talk about lust just before a school dance.  

AKA:  Catholic Boys.

DEADLIER THAN THE MALE (1967) **

Bulldog Drummond has been a Hollywood staple since the early days of cinema.  From 1922 to 1951, he appeared in over twenty movies.  If you’re unfamiliar with the character, he was sort of a precursor to James Bond, with a pinch of Sherlock Holmes thrown in for good measure.  After the Bond films became a worldwide phenomenon in the early ‘60s, the character was dusted off yet again for two adventures starring Richard Johnson as the intrepid Bulldog Drummond.

A pair of beautiful but deadly women (Elke Sommer and Sylva Koscina) go around murdering men connected with a multimillion-dollar business deal.  Since one of the men was a close friend of Bulldog, he naturally investigates.  He eventually uncovers a scheme by a madman who wants to throw the global economy into chaos.

The Bond influence is all over this thing, but the results are shaky at best.  Some of the gadgets are just plain cheesy (like the exploding cigars) and the stunts are underwhelming, especially when compared to the Bond movies of the era.  The Oddjob-inspired henchman is OK, but he’s woefully underutilized.  I like a good Bond knockoff as much as the next person.  It’s just that frankly, I prefer the old creaky black and white Drummond adventures. 

The film works best when it’s doing its own thing.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene involving the giant chess board complete with oversized mechanical chess pieces.  Sadly, Deadlier Than the Male has very few of these moments of inspiration.  

The only Bond-like department the movie scores in is providing eye candy.  Sommer and Koscina leave a memorable impression as the two deadly assassins.  The scene where they rise seductively out of the water is clearly supposed to evoke Ursula Andress.  You can almost hear director Ralph Thomas offscreen saying, “Isn’t this GREAT!  This’ll be twice as hot as Dr. No because we have not one but TWO women in skimpy bikinis!”

The big problem is that Johnson is just a bore as Bulldog.  He isn’t given much to work with admittedly as most of his quips are lame and/or just embarrassing.  It’s Sommer who steals the movie fairly early on, although she really doesn’t know what to do with it once she’s stolen it.

Johnson and Thomas returned two years later with the sequel, Some Girls Do.

AKA:  Deadlier.

BLACK AND WHITE (1999) ***

Rory Cochrane is a rookie cop who gets paired with a sexy, tough, and experienced veteran patrolwoman played by Gina Gershon.  Despite her outwardly spunky demeanor lies a dark side.  When her former collars begin turning up dead, many in the department begin to suspect Gershon is the murderer.  Eventually, Cochrane becomes suspicious too and begins keeping a closer eye on his partner.

Black and White is an offbeat melding of serial killer thriller and police procedural that coasts on Gershon’s intense performance.  Whether talking smack to a gunman or bossing around the innocent Cochrane, she commands the screen with a fiery gusto that is truly winning.  She also looks sexy as hell while dressed undercover as a prostitute but looks just as great while in her cop uniform.

Speaking of her uniform, the best scene comes during Cochrane’s first day on the job.  Gershon and Cochrane take off their clothes to see what they look like naked so there will be no sexual tension between them.  Unfortunately, they never show Gershon naked, which makes the sexual tension almost insurmountable for the audience throughout the film.

Cochrane is good as the green rookie who’s in way over his head.  The scenes of him confessing to his priest (Barry Primus) aren’t quite as good as when he’s investigating his partner, but he does a fine job regardless.  The rest of the supporting cast is strong.  It’s funny hearing Clint Eastwood’s daughter Alison Eastwood namedropping Dirty Harry into casual conversation.  Ron Silver is probably having the most fun as the wily Internal Affairs agent out to get Gershon.  Skinamax legend Nikki Fritz also pops up as a stripper.

Black and White is a solid little thriller that has somehow slipped through the cracks.  I remember seeing it when it first premiered on cable and it still holds up twenty years later.  If you’re a fan of Gershon, you really owe it to yourself to check it out.

A rookie cop gets the best line of the movie when he says, “You know what they say about broads in uniforms.  They’re either nymphos, lesbos, or psychos!”

PREMIUM RUSH (2012) ***

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a bike messenger who has to deliver an important envelope in an hour and a half.  Before he is even on the road, he’s harassed by a wild-eyed cop (Michael Shannon) who wants the envelope for himself.  He chases him through the city in hot pursuit and JGL has to weave in and out of traffic in order to stay one step ahead of him.

The previews made this look like absolute crap.  I shouldn’t have worried because after all, it’s a David Koepp flick.  Koepp takes what in lesser hands could’ve been a corny and forgettable thriller.  He’s able to crank up the tension right from the get-go and pulls you in with the simple, but effective set-up.  The coolest parts are the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style sequences when Gordon-Levitt goes through an intersection and in a split-second decides which path to take.  Most end with him dying in horrible ways, but he’s always able to find a way through the congestion unscathed.  I also dug the Pac-Man like graphics of his progress across the city.  

The performances are great.  Gordon-Levitt makes for a solidly likeable leading man.  He’s brash and confident without being arrogant and/or an asshole.  The movie really belongs to Shannon though.  His out of control antics are a lot of fun to watch.  I especially liked his backstory where he goes from mahjongg den to mahjongg den getting deeper and deeper into debt along the way.  

Clocking in at a brisk ninety minutes, the film practically plays out in real time (with the exception of the flashbacks).  Koepp keeps things moving along at a steady clip and delivers a handful of crisp, exciting sequences.  I can’t say the second half is as successful as the bristling first half, but Premium Rush remains thoroughly entertaining throughout.

EIGHTH GRADE (2018) ** ½

Kayla (Elsie Fisher) is a shy introvert who spends most of her free time making YouTube videos and taking selfies using Instagram filters.  When she’s voted “Most Quiet” by her peers, Kayla spends her last week of eighth grade opening herself up to new experiences.  She goes to a popular girl’s pool party and even gets to hang out with some older high school kids, with predictable results.

Eighth Grade depicts a coming of age story for a generation far removed from mine.  I mean the social outcasts still have to worry about being excluded by the bitchy popular students, but at least these kids don’t have to make eye contact with them because they’re always on their goddamned phones.  I guess it’s because he’s closer to my age, but I wound up empathizing more with the dad, played by Josh Hamilton.  His scenes with Fisher are appropriately awkward and ring the truest.

Fisher gives a solid, natural performance.  So natural, that at times she kind of gets on your nerves.  I mean if you take a shot every time she says the word “like” during her YouTube videos, you’ll probably die from alcohol poisoning long before the credits roll.  Her performance isn’t quite enough to save the movie from its overly familiar trappings, but it should prove to be a good showcase for her talents for many years to come. 

One thing I pretty much couldn’t stand was the awful score.  It just seems like pure noise and rarely (if ever) fits the scene it’s supposed to accompany.  It’s probably the worst score since It Follows, which is really saying something.