CECILIA (1983) ** ½

The titles say Cecilia is “Jesus Franco’s Film”, but there’s also a card earlier that reads “Directed by Olivier Mathot”.  It definitely has all the pointless zooms (including one into the crotch of a cherub statue) and rampant nudity Franco is known for.  Mathot (who also appears in a supporting role) also helped Franco direct Diamonds of Kilimanjaro, so I guess it’s legit.  I’m not sure how much Mathot brought to the table, but Cecilia is a decent enough Franco/Mathot outing.  

Cecilia (Muriel Montosse) is a bored, wealthy woman who gets her kicks from stripping in the back of her limo and letting her chauffeur watch in the rear-view mirror while droning organ music plays on the soundtrack.  He gets tired of her endless teasing, so he picks up his brothers (who were fired by Cecilia for spying on her while undressing) for an unscheduled gangbang.  When she returns home, Cecilia confides to her husband (Antonio Mayans) about the attack.  He’s at first appalled by her casualness in enjoying the encounter, but she assures him, she’s more than happy to allow him to go off on his own sexual misadventures.  Eventually, all their promiscuousness threatens to pull them apart.

The opening sequence immediately gets your attention.  As with Diary of a Nymphomaniac, the rest of the movie has a hard time keeping up that level of excellence.  In fact, it’s all sort of a formless mishmash of half-assed flashbacks and sex scenes.  Some are good, like when Cecilia catches her husband making love to a woman and eventually joins in.  Others never really work up any rhythm or intensity.

Still, there’s enough Franco weirdness here to make it memorable.  There’s an orgy scene where a swami (who has eyeballs painted on his eyelids) sits crisscross-applesauce and meditates while getting a blowjob from Lina Romay.  We learn after the fact they’re a mother-son act (!) which adds to the overall oddness of the scene.  

Montosse’s willingness to parade around naked is appreciated.  Whether she’s getting into gangbangs, wandering around nude, or riding naked horseback on the beach, she’s quite a sight to behold.  Romay is equally fun to watch, although her role is rather small.

Cecilia is overlong to a fault.  It gets particularly rambling and unfocused in the third act.  The music often sounds like it came out of a skating rink, which does the sex scenes no favors.  Regardless, folks frenzying for a Franco fix will find fleeting fun from it.  

AKA:  Diary of a Desperate Housewife.  AKA:  Sexual Aberrations of a Housewife.

DIARY OF A NYMPHOMANIAC (1973) ***

Cortez (Manuel Pereiro) watches a girl on girl show in a nightclub.  A sexy prostitute named Linda (Montserrat Prous) picks him and they go back to her hotel for some drunken sex.  Things get complicated when she calls the police to report her own murder!  

People can say what they will about Jess Franco, but this set-up is worthy of Hitchcock.  I’m not saying Franco executes it as well as The Master.  However, the opening has an undeniable kick to it.  

The rest of the plot revolves around Cortez’s wife Rosa (Jacqueline Lauret) searching for Linda’s diary, which might just prove her husband’s innocence.  When Rosa reads the diary, she learns of the poor girl’s descent into the seamy world of prostitutes and strippers.  Meanwhile, we see flashbacks of Linda’s checkered past and learn how she came into her profession.  

This all sort of threatens to spin out of control, especially during the last act where Prous begins to get caught up in drugs.  Despite that, there’s enough Franco goodness here for fans to gravitate to.  The opening lesbian club scene is classic Franco (who also appears as a police captain who sits in an office that is nothing more than a poorly disguised hotel room).  Women roll around in ecstasy under red lights for a static camera until it all achieves an almost Zen quality.  Sure, there are moments where he uses unnecessary zooms and weird camera placements, but there’s at least one Ferris wheel shot that feels right out of The Third Man.

So far, I’ve compared Franco’s work in this movie to Alfred Hitchcock and Carrol Reed.  Make of that what you will.  Those hoping for a typical Franco sleaze-fest may be disappointed.  Those hoping for evidence that Franco was capable of more than a typical sleaze-fest will not.  (Although, to be sure, there is plenty of sleaze here.)  I’m not saying it all works.  The narrative is choppy, and the film never quite tops that doozy of an opening sequence.  Warts and all, Diary of a Nymphomaniac has enough eye-popping moments for Francophiles to enjoy.

Franco vet Howard Vernon appears late in the game as a doctor who gets the best line of the movie.  He tries to help our poor little nymphomaniac, and when she doesn’t respond to the treatment, he says, “Since you’re nothing more than a prostitute, you’re going to pay my bill like a prostitute!”  

AKA:  Sinner.  AKA:  Sinner:  The Secret Diary of a Nymphomaniac.  

AROUND THE WORLD WITH FANNY HILL (1974) ** ½

In director Mac Ahlberg’s sequel to 1968’s Fanny Hill, Fanny (Shirley Corrigan, taking over for Diana Kjaer) becomes unhappy in her marriage and wants a divorce from her commercial director husband Roger (Peter Bonke).  She gets her girlfriend Monica (Gaby Fuchs) to seduce Roger, so she can catch him in the act.  Together, they take the alimony and fund a trip to Hollywood.  They visit the Chinese Theater (playing The Long Goodbye) and Fanny sets her sights on getting it on with a famous actor.  She winds up being discovered, gets a big acting role, and goes from Hong Kong to Venice with the movie crew.  Along the way, Fanny wonders if she didn’t make a mistake by dumping Roger.

Around the World with Fanny Hill is a typically uneven Swedish sex comedy.  It has the same basic set-ups as most bedroom farces.  (Like the scene where Fanny tries to catch Roger in bed with Monica, unaware he’s already in bed with someone else.)  Even though the locations change, Fanny’s shenanigans get repetitive after a while.  Many of her sexual misadventures stop short of being laugh-out-loud funny, but the scene where Fanny poses as a man to seduce a bisexual marquis is quite amusing.  Too bad it ends abruptly just when it was picking up steam.

The third act kicks off with a big swinging orgy that offers up plenty of free love and nudity, although it’s not exactly hot or anything.  This is followed by a fast-motion comedy scene of Fanny trying to catch various officials in compromising positions that’s not very funny.  In fact, this the whole sequence probably could’ve been cut altogether and saved us all about ten minutes.  

Corrigan is fun to watch.  She spends a lot of time winding up naked and being found in compromising positions.  Her efforts keep you involved even when the tired comedy sputters out.  We also get to see the ever-enchanting Christina (Thriller:  A Cruel Picture) Lindberg popping up in a bit part as one of Bonke’s models.

Ahlberg went on to be the cinematographer for everyone from Charles Band to John Landis.  

AKA:  Around the World with Sex.

THE PRINCE (2014) ** ½

Jason Patric stars as a seemingly ordinary mechanic whose daughter (Gina Mantegna) disappears without a trace.  He gets her friend (Jessica Lowndes) to help him look for her down in New Orleans.  He quickly stirs up a shitstorm of attention from beating up pushers left and right, which catches the eye of mobster Bruce Willis.  Because of the Seemingly Unrelated but Very Important Opening Scene, we know the two have unfinished business together, and it’s only a matter of time before they’re on a collision course.  

The very appearance of Bruce Willis and John Cusack in a DTV movie often will be the subject of derision.  Both men have been accused of not giving a shit recently.  I can’t say it’s the best work of either of them, but they look like they’re trying a bit harder than they’ve been given credit for.  

Willis seems more engaged than he’s been in a while, especially in the early scenes with his young daughter.  He reverts to Scowling Bruce later in the film, but he stops short of going into cruise control.  Likewise, Cusack (who plays one of Patric’s old street cronies) tries a smidge harder than his recent output would suggest.  In most of his newer movies, he shows up wearing either a ballcap, sunglasses, or hoodie.  In The Prince, he sports a hoodie, but it stays down throughout the course of the picture.  That’s a metaphor for his effort or some shit.

Is it sad that I just spent an entire paragraph assuring you that two-thirds of the leading men are trying?  Probably.  To DTV devotees like myself, it’s a signpost of sorts to let you know the level of quality we’re dealing with.  As such, The Prince is better than expected  

Oh.  Would it surprise you that Jonathon Schaech and 50 Cent are also in this movie?  Probably not.

I haven’t even mentioned Patric, who is excellent.  He particularly excels in the first act where he goes all kinds of Taken on a bunch of hoods.  Some could accuse Willis and Cusack of phoning it in, but Patric came to fucking play.  He’s intense, brooding, and is quite credible in his ass-kicking scenes.

Director Brian A. Miller handles the various shootouts and fight scenes competently enough.  Only a rough looking car chase suffers from the typical DTV ADD over-editing and herky-jerky camerawork.  However, the second act doesn’t have the fire of the early scenes, and Patric’s final siege on Willis’ headquarters feels like a retread of the ending of ‘04’s The Punisher.  

Willis and Miller later reteamed for Vice and Reprisal.

  

AKA:  The Prince:  Only God Forgives.

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER (2019) * ½

The third (and thankfully, final) in the series of Godzilla animated adventures for Netflix is one of the worst Godzilla movies on record.  It’s certainly nowhere near as good as the old cartoons, that’s for sure.  I mean, would it have hurt the animators to toss in Godzooky?

The explorers of a doomed space mission are stranded on Earth.  Still smarting from not being able to defeat Godzilla in the previous installment, they set out to find a way to stop him once and for all.  They turn to a cult of religious fanatics for help, whose “Golden God” winds up being none other than Ghidrah himself.  Naturally, it turns out to be a big mistake for all involved.

The Planet Eater starts slowly as it spends a lot of time playing catch-up with various exposition dumps and arguments about what to do with Godzilla.  Godzilla lies dormant for most of the movie, which means, like the other films in the series, we’re stuck sitting through a lot of talk.  This one is particularly heavy on boring religious discussions that clumsily try to equate Godzilla as some sort of God substitute.  

The new design on Ghidrah is… uh… different.  While it sort of retains the same golden dragon look we all know and love, it has this new ability to transform itself into this snakelike entity made of energy… or something.  The big confrontation between the two titans of terror is a letdown too as Ghidrah spends much of the fight leeching energy out of Godzilla.  The final fight is also abrupt and anticlimactic.  Even after it’s over, the movie continues on mercilessly for another ten minutes.

While it’s not quite as bad as the last entry, City on the Edge of Battle, The Planet Eater is definitely one of the lowlights of Godzilla’s long and illustrious career.  The filmmakers never give him anything worthwhile to do and he spends too much of the movie in a goddamned coma.  I wouldn’t blame you if you did too.  

AKA:  Godzilla:  Eater of Stars.

DIXIE RAY: HOLLYWOOD STAR (1983) **

What the heck is Cameron Mitchell doing in a porno?  Apparently, he didn’t know he was appearing in a XXX flick until he already shot his scenes.  You can’t really blame him for thinking it was a legitimate picture though because director Anthony (Sweat) Spinelli does a great job mimicking the look and feel of old film noir detective movies.  That’s about the best compliment I can give him.   

Detective Nick Popodopolis (John Leslie) is in a pickle when he shoots a client (Juliet Anderson) in self-defense.  The lieutenant (Mitchell) wants to know what happened, and Nick relates a series of flashbacks leading up to her death.  Turns out he was hired by a fading movie star named Dixie Ray (Lisa De Leeuw) to find her missing husband.  Naturally, the dame isn’t on the level, so Nick has to keep on his toes while putting a series of ladies on their backs.

Even though this is a porno, the production values are quite good.  Leslie gives an intense performance and holds his own with Mitchell.  As one of the biggest Cameron Mitchell fans on the planet, I have to say it was an honest thrill to see him in something like this (even if he was in a strictly non-sex performance).  Dixie Ray:  Hollywood Star may be a hardcore film, but it’s far from the skeeviest movie Mitchell’s appeared in.  

While the camerawork and cinematography during the dialogue scenes is quite professional, some of the sex scenes suffer from poor camera placement.  Because of that, it’s hard to see the “good stuff”.  The best scenes are mostly weighted toward the beginning too, which doesn’t help.  Leslie’s scene with Juliet Anderson is solid though, as is his tryst with De Leeuw.  The sex also gets more sporadic as it goes along, and once the plot begins to take over, things start to get a bit dull.  It clocks in at over a hundred minutes too.  That might not sound as serious as murder, but it’s still a crime to make a porno that runs over a hundred minutes.

Leslie is strong enough to suggest he could’ve made the transition from porn to “legitimate” movies.  He does a fine job with the hardboiled narration too.  He’s also given the majority of the sex scenes, which is great for him, but it doesn’t offer the audience much in the way of variety.

Leslie also gets the best line of the movie; a clever riff on The Maltese Falcon:  “It’s the stuff wet dreams are made of!”

AKA:  It’s Called Murder, Baby.

MOIST FURY (2011) ** ½

“Moist” is one of those oddball words that incur a violent reaction inside certain people.  When they hear the word “moist”, they either freak out, act disgusted, or almost vomit.  Writer/director Chris (Return to Bloodfart Lake) Seaver knows this and gets some cheap mileage out of it.  I myself am one of those people who automatically thinks “moist” is hilarious, so I was probably already inclined to enjoy it.

Moist Fury follows a quartet of tough-talking post-apocalyptic lady brawlers who are in a gang called “The Crimson Queafs”.  When their leader Dewback (Hester Prynne) is ambushed and killed by a rival gang led by Doom Blade (Bill Thomas), her lover Andromeda (Desiree Saetia) goes out for revenge.  Aiding the gang in their quest is a badass named Death Bone (Billy Garberina, who talks like Stallone) who is vying to have the coolest name in the wasteland.  

If you’ve seen a Chris Seaver movie or two in your time, you may already know what to expect.  This one is a little more grounded in reality than many of his others (although it still has some outrageous characters spewing a stream of improbable obscenities).   It kind of resembles a Troma version of an all-female Warriors rip-off mixed with your standard DTV action movie.  

Seaver stages the action efficiently enough, especially considering the low budget.  Even though it’s closer to a “real” movie than what he normally makes, there is still plenty of funny moments along the way.  (I liked the fact that it took place in a post-apocalyptic world where Toblerone bars sell on the black market for seven bucks apiece.)  The overblown heavy metal music on the soundtrack is sometimes good for a laugh too.  

Moist Fury is a little light the gore department compared to some of Seaver’s other films, but I guess that’s expected since it’s more of an action flick.  That said, one girl gets stabbed in her lactating breasts.  So, there’s that.  

Is Moist Fury mostly a mess?  Kinda.  For every funny bit, there’s two or three clunky moments.  The mercifully short running time (it’s barely an hour long) certainly helps though.  

Best line, “You’re a bona fide member of the Clitterati!”