X-TREME FIGHTER (2005) **

Don “The Dragon” Wilson stars as a widowed martial arts instructor who’s growing apart from his teenage son Brad (Dan Mayid).  Don’s dad (Aki Aleong) works in a computer lab perfecting virtual bad guys for cop Lorenzo Lamas to practice shooting during computerized simulations.  He turns the simulator into a video game which he gives to Brad as a birthday present.  When his virtual reality helmet short circuits, Brad’s mind gets trapped inside the game.  Don then straps in and sets out to find his son before he becomes permanently trapped in the game. 

The set-up had a lot of potential.  It could’ve been Mortal Kombat Meets Tron.  However, X-Treme Fighter is just kinda cheap and cheesy.  The low-tech graphics in the video game are good for a chuckle (they look like something out of a kid’s movie from the ‘90s), but some parts look like they were filmed during a Kung Fu convention that Don and Cynthia just so happened to attend.  It also doesn’t help that the video game fighters are mostly generic and unmemorable.  The fights are also way too brief and suffer from ho-hum choreography. 

Even though director Art (Half Past Dead 2) Camacho never really takes advantage of the premise, X-Treme Fighter remains watchable due to the capable cast.  I mean, how can I not watch a movie starring Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Lorenzo Lamas (sporting one of his most impressive coifs in his entire career), and Cynthia Rothrock (who pulls double duty as Wilson’s love interest and the “White Dragon” video game fighter)?  Don, Cynthia, and Lorenzo always remain likeable even in the cheesiest of surroundings.  I just wish Rothrock and Lamas had more to do (Lamas literally bumps into Wilson at one point, which is about the extent of their interaction) and that the fights were longer. (The final showdown ends abruptly.) 

Still, it’s hard to hate any action movie in which the actors are listed in the credits alongside their Kung Fu credentials.  Seeing them listed with titles like “2^nd Degree Black Belt” and “Master of Kata” underneath their names put a smile on my face.  I love shit like that.  

AKA:  Sci-Fighter.  AKA:  Dragon Battle:  Evolution.  

SWORN TO JUSTICE (2001) ** ½

Cynthia Rothrock (in a spunky, likeable performance) comes home to find her sister and nephew murdered by burglars.  She tries to fight off the intruders, hits her head, and winds up getting… amnesia?  NOPE!  An ordinary movie would use this plot device.  Sworn to Justice is no ordinary movie.  No, she actually hits her head and winds up with… are you ready for this?  

ESP!!!

She then uses her new gifts to find her family’s killers.  In the meantime, she dons a dark hoodie and goes around like a pint-sized Punisher, beating up the various thieves, gang members, and criminals that terrorize the city.  Eventually, her quest leads her to a ring of car thieves who have been working with the help of a crooked cop (God Told Me To’s Tony Lo Bianco, who acts like Ben Gazzara).

Sworn to Justice is goofy as fuck.  It suffers from an uneven tone, but then again, that’s where many of the (unintentional) laughs come from.  In one scene, Cynthia is mourning the death of her loved ones, and in the next, she’s getting into a goofy fight scene that’s so corny and cartoonish that it would embarrass Jackie Chan.  (There are birdie sound effects when she punches a guy.)

The supporting cast is fun.  We have Star Trek’s Walter Koenig who sports a terrible accent as Rothrock’s mentor.  No Retreat, No Surrender’s Kurt McKinney also turns up as Rothrock’s love interest.  Their Kung Fu courtship scene is downright nutty and predates the similar scene in Daredevil by a few years.  Then there’s the one and only Mako as a blind newspaper vendor who dispenses life-changing wisdom.  Just when you think it can’t get any better, Brad Dourif shows up for an extended cameo (acting over the top as usual) as one of Cynthia’s attackers.

Parts of this seem like it was edited with a machete and then put together with duct tape.  Some of the fight scenes are too dark to see anything clearly too.  If you can get past that, you’re sure to agree there’s an undeniably quirky charm about the whole thing that helps keeps it afloat.  I can’t quite call it a “good” movie, but there’s enough oddball touches here to make it memorable.  I’m thinking specifically of when Cynthia blows up the bad guy’s brother and he keeps the charred corpse around for sentimental purposes.  I mean, doesn’t that alone kind of make you want to see it?  

AKA:  Female Justice.

THE HIGHWAYMEN (2019) **

Arthur Penn’s Bonnie and Clyde is one of those untouchable Hollywood classics that is just about pitch perfect in every way.  Penn did such a fine job on it that any film about the subject matter is going to suffer from comparison.  That said, John Lee Hancock’s The Highwaymen, which focuses on Frank Hamer, the man who brought the pair down, had potential.  

The Highwaymen could’ve been an interesting flipside to the familiar story.  It could’ve been an Unforgiven-style meditation of a man returning to a life of violence.  It could’ve just been an old-fashioned manhunt movie.  Unfortunately, it winds up being none of those things.  In fact, I’m not even sure it knows it wants to be.  

Frank Hamer (Kevin Costner) is a former Texas Ranger who is lured out of retirement to take down Bonnie and Clyde.  He partners up with another ex-lawman (Woody Harrelson) and the two barnstorm the Texas countryside looking for the devious duo.  The trail runs hot and cold, but their doggedness eventually pays off and they’re able to finally hunt their quarry down.  

Costner is one of my favorite actors of all time, but he’s squarely set in one mode here:  Gruff Disinterested Costner.  He never makes Hamer someone we can root for, which probably is more of a shortcoming of the script (which was written by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon:  Sword of Destiny’s John Fusco) than of Costner.  Harrelson gets one or two spry moments (like his run-in with some hoods in a bathroom), although his usual charisma is kept in check throughout the film.  

Hancock’s slack direction is ultimately the thing that sinks the flick.  The pacing lacks urgency and the drama is sluggish.  For a manhunt of the country’s most wanted duo, the titular gunmen don’t seem to be in any particular rush.  Like most Netflix directors, Hancock mistakes the lack of studio interference for a license to drag things out far too long.  It clocks in at 132 minutes, and yet it feels like you’re watching a multi-part miniseries.   

The ending is abrupt, unsatisfying, and unglorified, which is the point.  It also happens to be the only part that really works.  In fact, the brief scenes of crowds ogling the Bonnie and Clyde death car are far more effective than anything else that preceded it.  The stock footage of the death car and Bonnie and Clyde’s funerals shown as the film wraps up kind of makes me wish for an entire movie devoted to the car and the fascination that it holds to this very day.

PUNK ROCK (1977) * ½

Sleazy detective Jimmy Dillinger (Wade Nichols) is paid to track down a teenage runaway.  After finding her (and banging her), she is kidnapped, and Dillinger must slum his way through the seedy underbelly of New York punk rock clubs to get her back.  Along the way, the people he comes into contact with wind up getting murdered, which makes him the prime suspect.  

Directed by Carter (Wicked Schoolgirls) Stevens, Punk Rock suffers from way too much plot and not enough sex.  What sex scenes we do get are short, unsexy, and pretty lousy overall.  Two years later, Carter took what was already a plot-heavy movie, cut out the porn, added new footage (more plot stuff), and released it as a “legitimate” feature.  It already sucks with the explicit footage.  I can’t imagine how bad it would be with MORE boring scenes of people talking.  (The twist ending is a genuine surprise, although I can’t exactly guarantee you’ll make it that far.)

If you were expecting to hear some good music, you’re going to be severely disappointed.  Even as an old school punk rock fan, I have to admit the music is pretty crappy.  (Apparently, Debbie Harry used to be in one of the bands before she was in Blondie.)  As it stands, Punk Rock is just another example of a filmmaker trying to capitalize on a fad without having the foggiest idea as to what makes the fad popular.

Speaking of music, there was one track that is good for a chuckle.  Remember in Stevens’ Wicked Schoolgirls where he memorably stole Chuck Berry songs for some of the sex scenes?  Here, he swipes the theme from The People’s Court!

THE PERFECT WEAPON (2016) ** ½

Not to be confused with the Jeff Speakman movie of the same name, The Perfect Weapon is one of the better Steven Seagal flicks of the DTV era.  Okay, so maybe “better” isn’t exactly the right word for it.  In fact, I’m not sure if anything here could rightly qualify as “good”.  Nevertheless, there is some shit in here I never thought I’d see before, so that at least should be enough to get the Seagalophiles out there to give it a shot.  Please, don’t mistake this recommendation for anything more than it is.  Don’t watch it expecting Seagal to miraculously turn over a new leaf or something.  If, however, you want to laugh your fucking ass off, as I did (well, at least in that one scene I’ll get to later), this will make for a “perfect” night of Bad Movie bizarreness.  

Johnny Messner stars as a bald assassin named “Condor” who works for “The State” in the near future.  He eliminates their enemies under the order of “The Director” (Seagal).  Naturally, he grows a conscious, goes on the run, and becomes a wanted man.  Eventually, he gets tired of running and decides to bring down The Director once and for all.

I’ve seen plenty of shit in my time, but I never thought I’d see Steven Seagal ruling over a Blade Runner-inspired futuristic cityscape.  The sight of his face looming high above the city on TV monitors is one I won’t soon forget.  You know, for the budget, it’s not a bad Blade Runner-looking future either.  Some of the little futuristic touches are actually kind of funny too (like the “State Farm” gag). 

If the landscapes were inspired by Blade Runner, the action was lifted from Hitman.  As with that flick, our hero is a bald guy in a suit and tie who runs around shooting people with a gun in each hand.  Messner is no Timothy Olyphant though. 

As for Seagal, you have to admire the way he conveniently gets away with putting forth no effort whatsoever.  Just wait till you see the scene where he gives Richard Tyson an aikido lesson… sitting down.  Then, there’s the funny flashback of a young Seagal who is played by a double with his face hidden in the shadows while he kicks someone’s ass.  God forbid he’d have to stand up for anything.

The third act is sloppy and all over the place, but it’s also just memorable enough to keep The Perfect Weapon from being just another routine Seagal programmer.  First, Messner receives and then promptly loses, a sidekick.  I don’t know who this guy was or where he came from, but he disappears almost as quickly as he was introduced, which is good for a laugh or two.  Finally, Seagal gets to stand up and fight a little bit, although the fight itself is lukewarm at best and really brief.  

Luckily, the last-minute plot twist is absolutely bonkers.  I don’t want to spoil it for you or anything, but let’s just say this might be your only opportunity to see two Seagals for the price of one.  It’s hilarious enough to make you wish he pulled a Van Damme and played twins throughout the entire movie.  That’s okay though.  I mean did Van Damme’s twin movies feature him killing his other self with a samurai sword?  I think not.

SIBERIA (2018) * ½

You know you’re in trouble with Siberia when Keanu Reeves’ name appears not once but twice before the title comes on screen. It first appears leading the cast listing as he’s boarding a plane. Then about ten minutes later, it shows up again as the title finally arrives on screen: “Keanu Reeves in Siberia”.  I still can’t believe how big of a goof that is.  Unless the actual full title of the movie is Keanu Reeves in Siberia.  Maybe this is like one of those Abbott and Costello deals where they keep their names in the title even though their character names aren’t actually Abbott and Costello. 

Anyway, Keanu plays a diamond merchant in Russia whose partner skips town with some valuable blue stones.  His client, an unstable Russian mobster (Pasha D. Lychnikoff) gives him two days to get them back.  Or else.  Mostly though, Keanu spends his time playing house with a cute local waitress (Ana Ularu).

Siberia is a slow moving, obvious, and completely unfulfilling Stranger in a Strange Land story.  The biggest drawback is that nothing much ever happens.  There never seems to be much urgency to recover Keanu’s lost diamonds and his relationship with the waitress is less than riveting.  The ending is terrible too.  Even if I spoiled it for you, I still don’t think you’d be prepared for just how truly shitty the ending is.

Reeves is kinda dull and lifeless in the lead.  He shows none of the intensity he brings to his latter-day films.  His only real endearing character trait is that he brought the wrong coat with him.  (He mistakenly packed for warmer climate.)  Unfortunately, that’s about the only relatable thing his character does throughout the film.  It was good seeing Molly Ringwald turning up briefly as Reeves’ wife though.

I guess all of this is especially disappointing given the fact it was written by Scott B. Smith, who only writes screenplays every ten years.  It’s definitely a big comedown from A Simple Plan.  Heck, it’s not even up to snuff with The Ruins.  

CENTER OF THE WEB (1992) **

An actor named John (Ted Prior, acting in yet another one of his brother David’s many low budget actioners) is mistaken for a hitman while waiting outside of his acting class.  He’s forced into a car by some goons and a gunfight ensues.  He gets arrested and goes to jail, but a shady government agent (Robert Davi) shows up and coerces him to continue posing as the hitman in order to catch a political assassin.  John eventually realizes he’s being set up as a patsy and fights back to clear his name and stop another assassination.

This cheap, but watchable AIP picture at least has the benefit a pretty great cast.  Davi is fun to watch as the agent who may or may not be trustworthy.  Charlene Tilton does a fine job as Prior’s love interest too.  I also liked seeing Bo Hopkins turning up as the district attorney, Charles Napier in one scene as a killer, and Tony Curtis (!) as a heavily connected friend of Tilton’s.  No matter what you may think of the rest of the picture, there is a sort of perverse pleasure to be had from seeing someone of Curtis’ stature reduced to slumming in a Ted Prior movie.  

Center of the Web is straightforward and predictable.  It hits all its marks, but it stops just short of being compelling or entertaining.  The ending is somewhat enjoyable though, mostly for the wrong reasons.  The third act contains one semi-predictable plot twist, one incredibly obviously one, and a silly school bus chase finale that’s appropriately cheesy.  However, Center of the Web really needed more of these go-for-broke flashes of silliness in order to hit a bullseye. 

AKA:  Undercover Assassin.