THE PERFECT WEAPON (2016) ** ½

Not to be confused with the Jeff Speakman movie of the same name, The Perfect Weapon is one of the better Steven Seagal flicks of the DTV era.  Okay, so maybe “better” isn’t exactly the right word for it.  In fact, I’m not sure if anything here could rightly qualify as “good”.  Nevertheless, there is some shit in here I never thought I’d see before, so that at least should be enough to get the Seagalophiles out there to give it a shot.  Please, don’t mistake this recommendation for anything more than it is.  Don’t watch it expecting Seagal to miraculously turn over a new leaf or something.  If, however, you want to laugh your fucking ass off, as I did (well, at least in that one scene I’ll get to later), this will make for a “perfect” night of Bad Movie bizarreness.  

Johnny Messner stars as a bald assassin named “Condor” who works for “The State” in the near future.  He eliminates their enemies under the order of “The Director” (Seagal).  Naturally, he grows a conscious, goes on the run, and becomes a wanted man.  Eventually, he gets tired of running and decides to bring down The Director once and for all.

I’ve seen plenty of shit in my time, but I never thought I’d see Steven Seagal ruling over a Blade Runner-inspired futuristic cityscape.  The sight of his face looming high above the city on TV monitors is one I won’t soon forget.  You know, for the budget, it’s not a bad Blade Runner-looking future either.  Some of the little futuristic touches are actually kind of funny too (like the “State Farm” gag). 

If the landscapes were inspired by Blade Runner, the action was lifted from Hitman.  As with that flick, our hero is a bald guy in a suit and tie who runs around shooting people with a gun in each hand.  Messner is no Timothy Olyphant though. 

As for Seagal, you have to admire the way he conveniently gets away with putting forth no effort whatsoever.  Just wait till you see the scene where he gives Richard Tyson an aikido lesson… sitting down.  Then, there’s the funny flashback of a young Seagal who is played by a double with his face hidden in the shadows while he kicks someone’s ass.  God forbid he’d have to stand up for anything.

The third act is sloppy and all over the place, but it’s also just memorable enough to keep The Perfect Weapon from being just another routine Seagal programmer.  First, Messner receives and then promptly loses, a sidekick.  I don’t know who this guy was or where he came from, but he disappears almost as quickly as he was introduced, which is good for a laugh or two.  Finally, Seagal gets to stand up and fight a little bit, although the fight itself is lukewarm at best and really brief.  

Luckily, the last-minute plot twist is absolutely bonkers.  I don’t want to spoil it for you or anything, but let’s just say this might be your only opportunity to see two Seagals for the price of one.  It’s hilarious enough to make you wish he pulled a Van Damme and played twins throughout the entire movie.  That’s okay though.  I mean did Van Damme’s twin movies feature him killing his other self with a samurai sword?  I think not.