SIBERIA (2018) * ½

You know you’re in trouble with Siberia when Keanu Reeves’ name appears not once but twice before the title comes on screen. It first appears leading the cast listing as he’s boarding a plane. Then about ten minutes later, it shows up again as the title finally arrives on screen: “Keanu Reeves in Siberia”.  I still can’t believe how big of a goof that is.  Unless the actual full title of the movie is Keanu Reeves in Siberia.  Maybe this is like one of those Abbott and Costello deals where they keep their names in the title even though their character names aren’t actually Abbott and Costello. 

Anyway, Keanu plays a diamond merchant in Russia whose partner skips town with some valuable blue stones.  His client, an unstable Russian mobster (Pasha D. Lychnikoff) gives him two days to get them back.  Or else.  Mostly though, Keanu spends his time playing house with a cute local waitress (Ana Ularu).

Siberia is a slow moving, obvious, and completely unfulfilling Stranger in a Strange Land story.  The biggest drawback is that nothing much ever happens.  There never seems to be much urgency to recover Keanu’s lost diamonds and his relationship with the waitress is less than riveting.  The ending is terrible too.  Even if I spoiled it for you, I still don’t think you’d be prepared for just how truly shitty the ending is.

Reeves is kinda dull and lifeless in the lead.  He shows none of the intensity he brings to his latter-day films.  His only real endearing character trait is that he brought the wrong coat with him.  (He mistakenly packed for warmer climate.)  Unfortunately, that’s about the only relatable thing his character does throughout the film.  It was good seeing Molly Ringwald turning up briefly as Reeves’ wife though.

I guess all of this is especially disappointing given the fact it was written by Scott B. Smith, who only writes screenplays every ten years.  It’s definitely a big comedown from A Simple Plan.  Heck, it’s not even up to snuff with The Ruins.