ENDGAME (1983) ***

Endgame is a bonkers Italian sci-fi action mishmash that sort of acts like a precursor to The Running Man with healthy doses of Escape from New York, The Warriors, The Omega Man, and even Planet of the Apes thrown in there for good measure.  It stars the holy trinity of Italian schlock stars, Al Cliver, George Eastman, and Laura Gemser (using the pseudonym, “Moira Chen”), all of whom are a lot of fun to watch.  Why are you still reading this?  Go out and watch it now!  

Well, if you still need more convincing…

Endgame is television’s top-rated post-WWIII game show.  Every year, “the prey” is given a head start to make a run through the desolated, radioactive wasteland before “the predators” (guys wearing face paint and leather jackets left over from Road Warrior) are let loose to hunt him down.  Rabid viewers watch it all in the comfort of their home while the bigwigs in charge try to keep them pacified so they can continue lining their pockets with money from the corporate sponsors.  Things get complicated when this year’s prey (Cliver) gets involved with a band of benevolent telepathic mutants who interrupt the game and beg him to guide them safely across the wasteland to avoid government persecution.

In addition to the movies previously mentioned, there’s also a bit of Seven Samurai here as Cliver hires a team of mismatched mercenaries to aid him in his quest.  (Including an Asian guy called “Ninja”.)  There’s also a floating rock scene right out of The Empire Strikes Back, and the mutant wasteland cretins sort of resemble half-assed X-Men too.  The ending is kind of reminiscent of Carrie, if you can believe it. 

Only a guy like Joe D’Amato could rip off so many movies at once and combine them in such an effective manner.  He even shows a flair for comedy too as the futuristic commercials are good for a laugh.  I also loved the love/hate relationship between Cliver and Eastman, who plays his main rival on the game show.  He only joins up with Cliver and his band to ensure he’ll live long enough for a rematch.  I eat macho shit like that up by the bucket.  

Gemser’s big scene comes when she is kidnapped by the evil lizard mutant biker who says things like, “Look at me when I rape you, dammit!”  We also get an incredible scene where Eastman snaps a guy’s neck 180 degrees UPWARDS.  Now, we see neck snaps in movies all the time where the villain’s neck is twisted side to side, but I think this may be cinema’s first VERTICAL neck twist.  

If you can’t already tell, Endgame is exactly the kind of nutty movie I live for.  This is why I sit through dozens of crappy flicks, because you never know when you’re gonna find a ripe slice of warped genius.  It’s not good… exactly, but it’s a damned good time.  

THE VIXENS OF KUNG FU (A TALE OF YIN YANG) (1975) ** ½

A hooker is walking through the woods when three hoods shoot her with an “anesthesia gun” (the hell?) and have their way with her.  Bobby Aster takes her mouth, Jamie Gillis goes down south, and the other guy just jerks off in her socks.  She is eventually found by C.J. Laing who runs an all-woman army of Kung Fu warriors who live in the woods.  Laing nurses her back to health, and by “nurses her back to health”, I mean she bangs her on a bear skin rug in the middle of the forest before training her in the martial arts.

The Vixens of Kung Fu (A Tale of Yin and Yang) is a Kung Fu/porno hybrid.  It’s decidedly less successful when it’s trying to be a full-fledged Kung Fu movie than a porno.  That said, I can’t say the porno stuff is exactly titillating either, but there are a few humorous moments to be had here to make it almost worth watching.  

A little of this nonsense goes a long way.  Ultimately, it’s just too damned long (even at a relatively scant 71 minutes) and eventually wears out its welcome.  I know it’s futile to criticize the plot, but I found it odd the hooker didn’t learn Kung Fu and use it to get revenge on Gillis and company.  Instead, Laing trains her to get it on with a rival male Kung Fu master who only appears once the film is halfway over.  

The most memorable scene has the Kung Fu girls sitting around meditating until their pussies start literally smoking.  The nude Kung Fu fights are amusing as well (they contain jump cuts to make it look like the participants are moving fast), but they’re all too brief.  While the choreography may leave something to be desired, the film does end with not one, but two freezeframe shots of people jumping into the air in slow motion, so at least its heart is in the right place. 

AKA:  Vixens of Kung Fu.

BLOOD FOR BLOOD (1974) **

A trio of bank robbers kill a pair of stranded motorists and steal their car.  They then make their way to a farmhouse owned by the churchgoing Ernest Borgnine, thinking they can lay low.  They’re surprised to learn old Ernie is quite handy with a shotgun and he quickly blows a hole in the ringleader’s abdomen.  Borgnine then proceeds to hold the robbers hostage in his home, and while he waits for the cops to arrive, he takes a little too much glee in keeping the gunmen prisoner.  This doesn’t sit well at all with his granddaughter (Hollis McClaren), who is sickened by how cruel her Bible-thumping gramps can be. 

Blood for Blood is a fine showcase for Borgnine, who has fun playing a character that is equal parts Bible-quoting grandpa and warped psychopath.  Some fun can be had from seeing the twinkle in his eye when he’s putting the screws to the robbers.  Michael J. Pollard is also good as the main thug who is unpredictably crazed, and McClaren has a nice Sissy Spacek-type quality about her.

This is a typically ‘70s movie where the moralizing is purposefully murky and the violence is often gratuitous, but that doesn’t necessarily translate into a good picture.  You can tell the filmmakers were trying for a Straw Dogs-type vibe, and yet it fails because there’s very little suspense to be had.  After the shock of seeing Borgnine’s kindhearted character turn coldblooded on a dime wears off, there’s not much here, I’m afraid.  The confrontation scenes quickly become repetitive and the tension never builds up much steam as Borgnine is more than a match for the killers at every turn.  

AKA:  Sunday in the Country.  AKA:  Self Defense.  AKA:  Vengeance is Mine.  AKA:  Killing Machine.

THE HUNTSMAN: WINTER’S WAR (2016) * ½

No one really asked for a sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman, but we got one anyway.  If anything, it gives Charlize Theron another chance to act vampy.  Too bad her appearances are limited to the beginning and end of the movie.

Like 300:  Rise of an Empire, The Huntsman:  Winter’s War is part prequel and part sequel.  The overlong prologue acts as an origin story of The Huntsman and the rest tells what happened after Snow White vanquished the evil queen played by Theron.  Emily Blunt plays Theron’s sister, who has the power to freeze people who piss her off.  After having her heart broken, she rules over her icy kingdom and tells her followers they can never love… or else she’ll freeze their ass.   Chris Hemsworth once again plays The Huntsman, who is a member of Blunt’s trusted guard.  He tries to keep his relationship with his childhood sweetheart (Jessica Chastain, who deserves better) a secret, but predictably, Blunt finds out about it and drives the two apart.  Years later, the untrusting lovers reunite to bring down the queen (who is now questing to find her sister’s magic mirror) once and for all.

The Huntsman:  Winter’s War is Universal’s attempt to get some of that Frozen money.  It’s based on the same Hans Christian Anderson story, “The Ice Queen” and contains some similar imagery to Frozen (like Blunt’s ice castle).  If the original felt like a fairy tale version of Braveheart with its overstuffed battle sequences, this one seems like a fairy tale X-Men with Blunt playing the Magneto-type villain who uses her powers to right an unspeakable wrong.

I like all the performers involved (including Liam Neeson as the narrator), but the movie itself is a chore to sit through.  As with the first film, the cast is trapped in a jumbled narrative and surrounded by chintzy special effects.  Chastain and Hemsworth seem aware they’re on a sinking ship and keep themselves amused by outdoing each other with their hilariously overdone Scottish accents.  

There is one standout scene when Blunt deceives the two lovers and cleverly drives them apart, along with a few fleeting moments of enjoyable stupidity (like Blunt riding on the back of a domesticated polar bear).  Everything else is thoroughly dull though.  That includes the finale, which feels like something out of a comic book movie with Blunt’s Iceman powers vs. Theron’s half-assed Venom black goop. 

Also, how can The Huntsman: Winter’s War be about an evil queen who has killer freezing powers that has a last-minute change of heart and saves the day in the name of love and her final scene ISN’T a close-up of a single tear running down her cheek and freezing?  WTF?  DO I HAVE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING, HOLLYWOOD? 

AKA:  The Huntsman and the Ice Queen.  

AMANDA BY NIGHT (1981) ** ½

Veronica Hart stars as a madam named Amanda who is trying to make enough money to leave her life of sex work behind.  She’s shocked and appalled when one of her girls (Lisa De Leeuw) is murdered by a twisted john.  Pretty soon, more hookers wind up dead, and the cop on the case (Robert Kerman from Cannibal Holocaust and Spider-Man) fears Amanda just might be the next victim.

Directed by Gary Graver, Amanda by Night features a routine plot and so-so sex scenes, and yet it somehow came to be regarded as a classic of its type.  Its best asset is Veronica Hart’s sterling performance as the vulnerable but sexy Amanda.  She does a terrific job and is really the only reason worth checking it out.    

The all-star porn cast helps too.  Hart and Kerman have a lot of chemistry together, and it’s fun seeing Ron Jeremy playing another sleazeball character.  Unfortunately, the usually electric Jamie Gillis is stuck playing a rather dull (for his standards anyway) pimp character.

The sex scenes kind of run hot-to-cold, but I did like the one sequence where Graver contrasts the extremes of the life of a sex worker.  By intercutting a guy’s first time with Amanda with the kinky S & M scene of two dominatrixes whipping a masked, bound john, it nicely shows the range of what these ladies of the night are asked to do. The rest of the scenes are a bit of a mixed bag, with the potentially steamy scene of Kerman and Hart banging on a boat hampered by the lack of a money shot.  

Even if it leaves something to be desired, Amanda by Night will remain required viewing for fans of the beautiful Hart.

STRAY CAT ROCK: BEAT ’71 (1971) **

Furiko (Meiko Kaji) takes a murder rap for her boyfriend and goes to jail.  She later breaks out of prison and mysteriously disappears soon after.  Her sister gets their loyal hippie gang to help track her down.  They learn her boyfriend’s father is the mayor, who vows to make trouble for the gang if his son’s guilt is ever found out.  The hippies also discover the mayor has kidnapped Furiko in order to keep her quiet while he publicly grooms his son to be his successor.  After the hippies are run out of town by the pro-mayor citizens, they return to bust out Furiko.

Beat ’71 is the fifth and final chapter in the Stray Cat Rock saga.  They didn’t have part 4, Machine Animal on Amazon Prime, but since all these movies are mediocre at best, I’m sure I’m not missing much.  I only watched this series because I’m a fan of Kaji.  Unfortunately, she is kept off screen for most of the picture and spends a lot of her time locked in a prison cell.  Most of the movie focuses on the ramshackle family of homeless drifters than Kaji’s plight, which was a miscalculation if you ask me.  The hippie heroes are colorful, but the dramatics of their situation never quite hit their intended mark.  Also, the carnage they create pales in comparison to the other gangs in previous entries of the series.  (At one point, they Krazy Glue a guy to a chair.)  

The finale, set in an Old West town, is memorable although it comes a day late and a dollar short.  We also get a funny porno shoot that provides some (sadly, all-too brief) nudity.  The best part though was the performance by a groovy acid rock band, The Mops during a demonstration in front of the mayor’s house.  That’s still not enough to make you want to adopt this Stray Cat.  

AKA:  Stray Cat Rock:  Crazy Rider '71.  AKA:  Stray Cat Rock:  Violent Showdown ’71.  AKA:  Alley Cat Rock:  Crazy Riders ’71.

SHE’S CRUSHED (2009) **

Ray (Henrik Norlen) helps the seemingly innocent Tara (Natalie Dickinson) with some heavy suitcases, blissfully unaware of the fact that she’s a psycho killer (and that her latest victim is inside the baggage).  She soon seduces Ray, becomes obsessed with him, starts following him, showing up to his work, and harassing him.  When he rebuffs her many advances, Tara takes to framing him for murder before kidnapping him.

She’s Crushed is the umpteenth variation of Fatal Attraction where a sexual indiscretion leads to head games, full-on stalking, and straight-up murder.  What makes this one a bit different is that we pretty much know she’s a psycho from the get-go from scenes of her torturing and murdering people early on.  In fact, the Torture Porn aspect helps this one stick out from the rest of the back, although the gore itself leaves something to be desired.

It also suffers from a low budget, so it looks fairly shoddy.  The attempts at atmosphere (they went overboard with the overly green lighting in Tara’s apartment) are a bit clunky too.  Because the gore looks kind of chintzy, the torture scenes (like the hand-in-the-garbage-disposal sequence) don’t have much of a kick.  

She’s Crushed remains watchable thanks to the not-bad performance by Dickinson, who makes for a credible psycho.  You’ve got to respect anyone who shaves her armpits with a Bowie knife.  She’s particularly funny during the scene where she confronts Norlen in front of his co-worker.  Norlen makes for an incredibly bland leading man though, and there’s no chemistry between him and Dickinson, which lessens the overall impact.  The backstory with him being a veteran is handled clumsily and adds little to his character.  Dickinson’s backstory (she suffers from sexual abuse from her demented father) works slightly better, but it doesn’t have a satisfying payoff to pull it all together.

AKA:  Crushed.