LONELY HEARTS (2007) ** ½

Lonely Hearts is based on the same case as the cult classic The Honeymoon Killers.  That film at least felt like a true-crime docudrama.  This one feels like an ION TV mini-series with an occasional naughty bit thrown in here and there.  

The tip-off that this ain’t your father’s Honeymoon Killers is that the female killer is played by Salma Hayek and not Shirley Stoler.  I mean, as one of the world’s leading Salma fanatics, I can easily say she is one of the hottest women on the planet… which makes her totally wrong for the part.  At least her partner, Jared Leto TRIES to look like his real-life counterpart, although his performance comes up short next to Hayek’s (admittedly amusing) flamboyant theatrics.

While Hayek and Leto are picking up rich women and killing them for their money, cops John Travolta and James Gandolfini are on their trail.  I like both performers, and neither one of them phone their roles in.  It’s just that their dialogue is kind of rote.  You almost wish you could call for a do-over and see them act their scenes with a better script.  Likewise, Leto and Hayek are fun to watch, and Salma in particular has a few moments of campy, vampy melodramatics, but you kind of wish the whole thing came together as a solid whole and not a collection of hit-and-miss vignettes. 

Lonely Hearts struggles to find a consistent tone, only occasionally hitting a bullseye.  However, it’s not nearly as lurid as it thinks it is, and it’s nowhere near respectable enough to work as a straight true-crime thriller.  Even though it suffers from comparison to The Honeymoon Killers, with this cast (which also includes a brief, but memorable bit from Alice Krige), it’s nothing less than watchable.   

AKA:  Lonely Hearts Killers.

HELLBILLY (2003) ** ½

Hellbilly is only 47 minutes long, and the first 3 ½ are devoted to a title sequence of a Jeep going down a desert road.  Lucky for us, Skinamax legend Beverly Lynne is in the Jeep and gets it on in the very first scene.  When her lover leaves to take a piss, he is killed by titular lunatic (who wears something that looks like a modified Leatherface Halloween mask).  Lynne then runs through the desert as the masked madman gives chase.  Hellbilly finally catches up to her and ties Bev to a chair.  When she escapes AGAIN, Hellbilly goes after her again and murders anyone who stands in his way (including a pair of guys inexplicably playing chess in the woods).

I’m not entirely sure what Bev is doing in this shot-on-video horror film, but her very presence helps to elevate it from the usual dreck.  She gives a strong performance too and is far better than the regional actors that populate the rest of the film.  Too bad her character disappears abruptly from the proceedings.  

Some of the kills are amusing.  I liked the part when Hellbilly beat a blind woman to death with her own cane.  My favorite moment though was when he shoved pages of a Bible into a nun’s mouth (and panties).  The gore isn’t bad, although the machete-to-the-skull effects are overused.  

It’s not all good news.  The repetitive banjo score will get on your nerves and the ending is pretty terrible.  Despite these limitations, Hellbilly goes down rather smoothly thanks to the abbreviated running time and Lynne’s feisty performance.

WINTER HEAT (1976) ***

Jamie Gillis and his three criminal friends seek refuge in an abandoned barn.  There, he gets his dick wet while his buddies watch.  They then break into snowbound cabin where three girlfriends have come to get away from it all.  The hooligans terrorize the ladies, verbally berate them, and then have their way with them.  After a while, the women kind of… like it?  

Most of the sex scenes heavily revolve around oral and/or go on too long.  That’s not really a criticism, especially if that’s what you’re into.  There’s just not a whole lot here in the way of variety.  That’s really the only complaint though as Winter Heat is a solid roughie through and through.  It’s not as demented as some, but it’s certainly kinkier (and better made) than a few. 

The awesome performance by Gillis is the real reason to watch the movie.  If you read my book, Revenge of the Video Vacuum, you know he’s one of my favorite actors.  In Winter Heat, he gets to play another despicable scumbag and one that’s always funny, quirky, and memorable.  The standout scene occurs when Gillis forces one of the women to strip, verbally abuses her, and then forcibly makes her eat oatmeal from a wooden spoon.  You probably won’t look at the Quaker Oats guy the same way again.

AKA:  Snowbound.

THE AFTERMATH (1982) * ½

Steve Barkett did it all in The Aftermath.  He wrote it.  Produced it.  Edited it.  Directed it.  Said, “Hey, you know who would look GREAT shirtless on the video box?  Me!”  Yep, he did that too, although I kind of wish he didn’t.  

Steve stars as Newman, an astronaut who returns to Earth from a deep space mission to find the apocalypse has occurred.  (This is also known as “Pulling a Heston”.)  He goes to a museum ran by “The Curator” (Forrest J. Ackerman, in what was probably his biggest role) and gets the lowdown on what happened while he was away.  Meanwhile, the vile Cutter (Sid Haig) and his buddies have been going around killing men and raping women.  Newman befriends a young boy (Christopher Barkett, one of countless Barketts to be found among the credits as nepotism ran rampant behind the scenes of this one) and a refugee from Cutter’s prison named Sarah (Lynne Margulies) and the three form a half-assed post-nuclear family.  Things take a turn for the Death Wish in the third act when Cutter and his men kill Sarah, prompting Newman to wage a one-man war on Cutter’s compound.

The Aftermath was a vanity project for the decidedly not-movie-star-handsome Barkett.  Not only did he give his family members plum roles behind and in front of the camera, he also gave himself a completely gratuitous love scene with the topless female lead.  Maybe I got to look into this movie business thing for myself.   

Clumsy and awkward in nearly every regard; cheap and crappy on just about all fronts, The Aftermath is a jaw-dropper if nothing else.  Too crude to have charm and mostly too unpleasant to be considered “fun”, it nevertheless has an unmistakable… something about it.  Let me put it to you this way.  When I was watching it, I just wanted it to end.  Now that I have some distance from it, I want to show it to others just to see their reactions. 

The opening sequence has some of the worst spaceship effects I’ve ever seen.  Seriously, Ed Wood would’ve rejected a few of these shots for looking phony.  The shots depicting the nuclear fallout in the city work much better though, although some of them are overused. 

Sid curiously underplays his villain role.  While he perks up the movie somewhat, he never quite goes for broke.  The best scene is when Ackerman walks around the dinosaur sculptures while giving a tour of his museum.  I mean, you know you’re in trouble when Forrest J. Ackerman gives the best performance of the movie.  

As for the action, it’s amateurish, slapdash, and mostly weighted toward the end.  Until then, it’s kind of like watching paint dry.  At least with paint there’s a possibility you could get high off the fumes. 

AKA:  Nuclear Aftermath.  AKA:  Zombie Aftermath.

THE FOUNDER (2017) *** ½

Like it or not, the story of McDonald’s is the story of America.  Both began with great ideas, wholesome ideals, and spectacular innovation, all of which got perverted along the way by greed, ego, and a business-as-usual mentality.  You either eat the clown or the clown eats you.  

Ray Kroc (Michael Keaton) finds McDonald’s hamburger stand like an oasis in the desert.  He loves their “fast food” system and wants to take the idea and expand it nationally.  His impassioned speech moves the unmovable McDonald brothers (Nick Offerman and John Carroll Lynch) and they grudgingly allow him to franchise the restaurant.  As Kroc’s ever-reaching lust for expansion grows, his vision begins to run against the grain of the brothers’ core beliefs, causing friction between the three men.

The film is anchored by a powerhouse performance by Keaton, one of his best.  Even as he’s stealing the brothers’ company out from under them, you can’t help but get swept up in his fervor.  The scene where he equates the Golden Arches with church crosses and courthouse flags as a symbol where Americans gather works not only as a potential Oscar soundbite, but as hamburger propaganda as well. 

I think it’s also a little ironic how Kroc gets into the burger business.  In the early scenes we see him becoming grouchy when it takes forever for a carhop to get him his food.  Later, he’s upset when they get his order wrong.  It’s funny how the movie makes you think that somehow McDonald’s is above all this.  I can’t tell you how many times I had to wait for my food at McDonald’s and then after all that time, they got it wrong.  But I digress.

If there is a gripe, is that the only real takeaway here is that business (like war) is hell.  Or maybe the filmmakers want you to remember Kroc’s backstabbing ways the next time you bite into one of their hamburgers.  Either way, it doesn’t lessen the enjoyment of the film. 

JUKE JOINT (1947) **

Before finding fame playing Andy on the old Amos n’ Andy Show, Spencer Williams directed a dozen movies in the ‘40s specifically for black audiences.  These “race films” as they were called, may be a little creaky and cringey to today’s audiences, but they are an important history lesson.  While most African-American actors were reduced to servant roles in mainstream pictures at the time, these pictures were able to showcase their talent in major roles in front of and behind the camera.

Williams stars as Bad News Johnson, a conman who rolls into a southern town with his best friend Corn Bread Green (July Jones).  Bad News passes himself off as a big-time theatrical actor and cons Louella (Inez Newell) into giving them free room and board in exchange for giving her daughter Honey Dew (Dauphine Moore) “acting lessons”.  After Bad News helps Honey Dew win a local beauty pageant, she discovers her younger sister Florida (Katherine Moore) is going to run off with a man to Chicago.  That’s when Louella shows up to raise hell. 

Juke Joint is less than an hour long, but it feels a lot longer than that.  Williams gets a few funny lines, but the cinematography and editing is rudimentary at best.  Potentially humorous scenes dawdle and fizzle out mostly due to the static camerawork and undisciplined editing.  Also, there’s no real resolution in the last act as the movie just kind of comes to an end.  Still, Williams’ performance keeps it watchable. 

Naturally, Williams gets the best line of the movie when he tells Jones, “You’re so dumb you think Veronica Lake is a summer resort!”

THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES 6 (1999) ** ½

Antonio Passolini (who wrote the third and fourth entries in the series) took over the directorial duties from the Dark brothers for this sixth and final installment in the Devil in Miss Jones franchise.  Stacy Valentine inherits the role from Juli Ashton (who appears playing a different character) and she is perfectly cast, as her girl next door quality is ideal for a ‘90s version of Miss Jones.  As with Part 5, it’s much more of a porno than a “real” movie, and while the sex scenes are hit-and-miss, it remains a watchable affair.

Scott (A Christmas Story) Schwartz goes off to work, leaving his wife (Anita Cannibal) alone in their trailer.  Before long, two dudes show up and bang her double-vaginally.  Then, the plot begins.  

Miss Jones (Valentine) is upset that her boring husband (Randy Spears) would rather sit around trying to summon a succubus than hop into bed with her.  She then runs off dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and is banged by “The Bee Keeper” (Steve Hatcher).  When Miss Jones accidentally conjures up a pair of succubuses (Nikita and Vicca), they go on a rampage, seducing and destroying anyone who crosses their path.  Perturbed, the devil (Tina Tyler) comes to Earth and she and Miss Jones try to send the she-demons back to Hell.

There’s a strange scene where the devil wants to order a pizza so she can bang the delivery boy.  Then there’s a short intermission and she and Miss Jones proceed to… bang two guys wearing luchadore masks in a wrestling ring?  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a sucker for an El Santo themed XXX scene, but why have the pizza boy set-up and then not... pardon the pun… deliver? 

Also, the use of condoms in every single one of the sex scenes is a bit distracting.  Yes, I’m all for keeping our performers safe and free of disease.  However, in the context of the movie, it makes no sense.  I mean you’re banging a succubus who’s going to take your soul to Hell.  Compared to that, a case of the clap doesn’t seem all that bad.

If you’re a fan of Valentine, The Devil in Miss Jones 6 should fit the bill as she gets a handful of steamy scenes.  It’s Ashton who steals the movie though, playing a sexy S & M nurse named “Nurse Ratchet”.  She only gets one scene unfortunately, a bondage three-way, but it’s a real showstopper.

A remake of the original appeared six years later.