THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: AEROBI-CIDE (1987) ** ½

Amazon Prime has this listed as Killer Workout, but Aerobi-cide is the actual on-screen title.  Both names are equally funny.  I can’t blame the filmmakers for being unable to choose between them.  They were probably like, “Screw it, let’s use both of them!”  Maybe if they ever make a sequel it can be called Gym-crazy-um.  Or Kill-lates.  Or Yoga-nna Die.

Rhonda (Marica Karr) had a twin sister who died in a horrific tanning bed accident.  Now, people are getting murdered at the gym by a killer using an oversized safety pin.  Predictably, the place is loaded with hotheaded musclebound suspects. 

Aerobi-cide begins with a great opening credits theme that sound like a workout remix of John Carpenter’s Halloween theme.  Along the way, director David A. Prior gives us numerous cheesy ‘80s aerobicizing scenes featuring big-haired women crammed into Spandex bobbing up and down to heavy drum machine-driven tunes. Yes, in case you’re wondering, there are tons of close-ups of gyrating buttocks.  

The horror elements work up to a point.  The opening tanning bed murder is great, and there’s a Psycho-inspired shower death and a memorable false scare involving a locker.  Some scenes have a cool red tint to them, resembling a ‘70s giallo, but most of it looks like your typical slasher movie mixed with an ‘80s workout video.  The killer’s weapon (the giant safety pin) is… different?  I can honestly say I’ve never seen that before. 

Too bad the constant fistfights between the two hotheaded lunkhead gym rat suspects eat up a lot of screen time.  These scenes are more of a throwback to Prior’s low-budget actioners and don’t really fit in with the rest of the movie.  (Same goes for the big chase scene/shootout at a construction site.)  Still, they’re just weird enough to make it memorable. 

Aerobi-cide is good for a few laughs and works as lightweight trashy fun for much of its running time.  It does have a tendency to plod on in the second half, making the 85-minute running time feel much longer.  (There are two or three false endings too many.)  It’s uneven to be sure, but the highs are appropriately cheesy enough to make it marginally recommended. 

AKA:  Killer Workout.  AKA:  Aerobic Killer.  AKA:  Aerobicide.  

TERROR IN THE WAX MUSEUM (1973) **

Claude Dupree (John Carradine) is the old proprietor of a wax museum who’s seemingly murdered by one of his own creations.  His niece Margaret (Nicole Selby) inherits the museum and her legal guardian (Elsa Lanchester) takes over the operation.  Harry (Ray Milland), Carradine’s partner is incensed because he believes he was passed over in the will and considers himself Dupree’s true heir.  The killer, possibly the Jack the Ripper wax figure come to life, then sets its murderous sights on Margaret.

Produced by Bing Crosby Productions (who were churning out drive-in hits like Willard and Walking Tall around the same time), Terror in the Wax Museum is a loose variation on House of Wax.  The scene of Milland giving customers a tour of the museum is similar to the one found in that film, and there’s a slight reworking of House’s famous face-cracking scene.  Too bad the costume drama subplots are dull, and the pacing is sluggish.

It doesn’t help that it is all very tame, even for the standards of 1973.  It almost feels like a TV movie as the terror is kept to the bare minimum.  It also looks pretty cheap too, which adds to the Made for TV feel.  That said, Carradine’s wax figure freak-out scene is well done. 

Despite the low budget feel, you have to admit the cast they wrangled together is pretty stellar.  In addition to Milland, Lanchester, and Carradine, we have Maurice Evans, Patric Knowles, and Broderick Crawford.  Maybe the budget went to corralling all these people into one place.

The most memorable part of the movie is the character Karkov (Steven Marlo), a deformed hunchback who lives in the museum as Carradine’s unofficial adopted son.  Unlike most horror films, this hunchback is more pathetic than anything.  He’s a character to be pitied, not feared.  When he has a breakdown at Carradine’s funeral, you feel kind of bad for him

Another thing that makes Terror in the Wax Museum a bit different than its ilk is its Ominous Fortune Teller scene.  Most times in these movies, the Ominous Fortune Teller is an old gypsy woman.  This time out, it’s a Chinese tea leaf reader.  This character, nor Karkov can exactly save the picture, but they do prevent it from feeling completely stale.

JOKER (2019) *** ½

Joker is neither the incel recruitment video Twitter would have you believe nor is it the Scorsese-pastiche-as-comic-book-movie it was sold as.  It merely exists as a Thespianpalooza for Joaquin Phoenix.  If you ever wanted to see Phoenix get nuts (as Bruce Wayne ‘89 would say), this movie has you covered.  He laughs maniacally, contorts wildly, and dances like a blind white man on Soul Train.  He’s on screen nearly every minute of the movie and when he is, you can’t take your eyes off him.  It’s truly a fearless performance.  Not many people would lose fifty pounds, smash their head in, and cry till snot oozed out their nostrils, so we have to give the guy credit.

Joker famously doesn’t have a backstory in the comics, and the one presented here is vastly different from the ’89 film.  The thing is, it’s all origin story.  It’s less a superhero movie and more of a gritty character drama indie dressed up as a superhero movie.  This is an interesting idea, but it works much better as a character piece than a spandex opera.

It was talked-up as a homage to Taxi Driver and King of Comedy, but there’s as much Death Wish and Network in the movie’s DNA as the Scorsese pictures.  There’s a feeling of frustration about society letting “the little guy” down that both those films share.  When the Joker kills three people, he becomes a headline-grabbing sensation.  When he appears on TV, he inspires others to draw on his anger and frustration.  

What’s interesting is that it’s not all a blame game.  The film never shies away from Joker’s mental illness as a contributing factor to his decline.  It could’ve copped out and just foisted the cause of Joker’s spree to being an Angry White Man, but there’s much more to it than just that.  There’s also a class struggle aspect that weaves in and out of the narrative.  Yes, Gotham City is a scary place to live for someone like Arthur.  Someone like billionaire Thomas Wayne on the other hand, has a very different experience living in Gotham, and the have-nots are growing restless about the economic inequality tearing the city apart.

Some may feel kind of cheated that there isn’t enough superhero-y stuff in the movie.  As I stated, it’s all origin and no real story.  In fact, he isn’t called even Joker until the last fifteen minutes or so.  The story, such as it is, has Arthur Fleck, an aspiring comedian hampered by mental handicaps trying to eke out a living in Gotham City.  In between sessions at a cut-rate shrink, he dotes on his loving mother (Frances Conroy) and cares for her, never missing their favorite program The Murray Franklin Show.  When he loses his job and medicine (due to government cutbacks) he aims his frustrations at Wayne.  

I will back off here because it’s these scenes that are the most interesting.  Not because of how they connect back to a certain Caped Crusader, but how they inform Arthur’s journey.  Without giving anything away, I’ll just leave you with the questions the movie poses, which are:  Are we the sum total of the lies we’ve been told all our lives?  Or are we a product of the new truth we’ve found for ourselves?  Adding Arthur’s deteriorating mental state into the mix only makes what comes after a tragedy, and not a call to arms.

Arthur’s journey is involving, with a few twists and turns along the way just to keep you guessing.  Phoenix’s fiery performance also helps propel the film, giving Arthur glints of hope and humanity, while not entirely painting him as the victim.  It’s his destination that is sort of the problem.  That’s mostly because it can kind of only end one way.  As inevitable as that may have been, I still think there was room to have stuck the landing in a more precise way.  As it is, it’s fine, but the fact remains he was more interesting when he was Arthur than as Joker.  It also doesn’t help that the film suffers from Return of the King-itis as it contains not one, but three endings.  Any one of them by themselves would’ve worked as a coda.  (Okay, maybe just two of them.)  Having all three just kind of betrays the ending that came before, especially considering each mini-ending is worse than the one that immediately preceded it.  

So, overall, I liked it.  As a vehicle for Phoenix, it will be around for a long time.  It will be dissected and discussed as a gonzo Method actor’s wet dream.  As a Batman movie (even though Batman doesn’t appear, it’s very much a part of his world), I don’t think it would even crack my Top 5, but I’m glad I saw.  

It’s definitely not worth anyone dying over.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: A GHOST STORY (2017) **

You know, we’re only a week into The 31 Days of Horror-Ween and I decided I needed a little break.  After all the vampire clowns, horny bigfoots, and psychic Spocks I’ve been dealing with, I thought it would be nice to change things up and watch something a little classy.  I thought maybe a ghost movie starring an Oscar winner would be just the thing to wash out the taste of such cheap movies like Varan the Unbelievable and Gallery of Horror.  I was wrong.  The monster in Varan was a guy in a rubber suit.  The vampires in Gallery of Horror just had plastic fangs.  The ghost in this critically-acclaimed film was… are you ready for this?  Just a dude in a sheet.  Casey Affleck in a sheet, but still.  I kinda knew A Ghost Story wasn’t really horror, but I thought at least it would be good.  Nope. 

It mostly plays like a Terrance Malick soap opera.  A couple sits around talking, then there’s a random shot of the stars.  Then the couple mumbles for a bit.  There are shots of stuff that happen in real time, like someone hauling garbage to the curb.  Other shots of people remaining perfectly still feel even longer.  In fact, more than a few times I thought the streaming went out or my TV froze because no one was moving for so long. 

Anyway, Affleck dies.  He comes back as a ghost wearing a white sheet with holes cut out.  I’m not lying when I say he looks almost exactly like Charlie Brown on It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.  He comes back from the afterlife to watch over his wife (Rooney Mara), but all he gets to see is her doing mundane shit like washing her hands, doing chores, or stuffing her face.

You know, I kind of figured the afterlife would be like that. 

Mostly this is a movie about someone watching someone else.  Marvel as Affleck watches Mara go to work.  Thrill as he stares at her staring out the window.  The action highlight is when Affleck watches Mara eat a pie.  I don’t mean just a slice either.  I mean a whole pie.  I’m not making this up.

At least when Michael Myers wore a sheet, he stabbed someone. 

Not to worry, there is some mildly horrific stuff about halfway through.  It’s not really effective, but at least here the movie starts showing signs of a pulse.  As the movie goes on, it eventually becomes clear what director David (Pete’s Dragon) Lowery is trying to do, and quite honestly, it’s not a bad idea.  It’s just that the minimalistic approach is a bit too minimalistic for its own good.

What isn’t minimalistic is the scene where a bunch of squatters go in Affleck’s house and throw a party.  There, a random drunk dude endlessly pontificates a lot of nonsense about the meaning of life.  You know you’re in trouble when you have to rely on a random drunk dude to hammer home the message of the movie.  Honestly, I think we would’ve got the idea without his explanation anyway, so for a film so minimalistic, the monologue feels more like a gratuitous exposition dump than anything.

Quite honestly, A Ghost Story does get better as it goes along.  It’s kind of fun just to see Affleck trying to emote from under a bedsheet.  However, it never really grabs you.  Something tells me reading an oral history of The Pie Scene would be more entertaining than watching the actual movie.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: BAFFLED! (1973) **

Mr. Spock stars as a race car driver who has bizarre visions in the middle of a race, causing him to crash.  Susan Hampshire is a reporter specializing in psychic phenomenon who thinks his visions are of a murder yet to take place.  Together, they travel to England, piece together the clues from Spock’s brain, and try to prevent the murder before it can occur. 

The chintzy opening credits contain footage of what we’re about to see.  This isn’t a play on Spock’s psychic premonitions, but rather a dead giveaway this isn’t really a movie, but a failed TV pilot.  Despite the okay set-up and premise, like most ‘70s TV movies, there’s a lot of filler in the middle section that needlessly drags things out and get in the way of the fun.

Some of you may wonder why I included Baffled! as part of The 31 Days of Horror-Ween as it’s a watered-down TV movie.  Trust me, there’s enough genre clichés here for it to qualify.  There’s an elaborate murder plot, psychic battles, and a cult that may or may not be draining victims of their youth to keep their members eternally young.

The real reason I watched it was to see Mr. Spock badly miscast as a cavalier race car driver with psychic powers.  Yes, the horror elements are not what you would call overt, but how could I turn down an opportunity to see:   

1)    Mr. Spock drive a race car courtesy of some hilariously bad rear-screen projection. 

2)    Mr. Spock locked in a psychic battle of wills with a little girl. 

3)    Mr. Spock doing the old Austin Powers “That’s not your mother, it’s a man, baby!” routine.

4)    Mr. Spock having trippy psychic visions that make him look like he’s going through pon farr on LSD. 

5)    Mr. Spock telling someone, “Don’t be so emotional!”

The chemistry and banter between Spock and the prim and proper Hampshire is agreeable, if slight.  Their characters are really nothing more than a thin variation on the typical though durable Mismatched Detectives trope commonly found on TV.  Baffled! isn’t bad exactly, but it’s easy to see why it wasn’t picked up as a series. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: GALLERY OF HORROR (1967) **

I have a soft spot in my heart for anthology horror films, so of course I had to see at least one of them during The 31 Days of Horror-Ween.  When you consider the fact that it stars two of my favorite horror icons, Lon Chaney, Jr. and John Carradine, it was hard to keep me away from Gallery of Horror.  Even the fact the film was directed by legendary hack David L. (The Wizard of Mars) Hewitt couldn’t discourage me.  After all, Hewitt’s The Mighty Gorga is one of my favorite shitty monster movies, so why not take a chance on it?  As it turns out, it’s not bad.  It has all the cheapness that hallmarks Hewitt’s cut-rate productions for sure, but it’s all fairly watchable. 

Carradine is your host for the Wraparound (**) segments.  He stands in front of a cheap castle backdrop going on and on about curses and vampires and shit.  As much as I love Carradine, the movie didn’t really need these segments.  They’re mostly boring, longwinded, and go on forever.

The Witch’s Clock (**) is the first tale.  A couple buys an old mansion and find an antique clock in the basement.  Once they get it working again, an old caretaker (Carradine) shows up on their doorstep.  They offer him a job, but soon learn he has a hidden centuries-long agenda.

The tale starts off well enough, but the ending is abrupt and unsatisfying.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t so rushed.  Heck, it might’ve even benefitted from more fleshing out.  The (mostly) one location setting doesn’t help matters any as the majority of the story feels cramped and stagey.  

In King Vampire (**), London is plagued by a series of ghastly murders.  Everyone believes it to be the work of a vampire, but the inspector on the case is convinced a human madman is to blame.  After mob justice results in the death of an innocent man, the “King” vampire finally reveals itself.

This story is supposed to take place in Victorian England, but the budget was way too small to pull off the effect.  Instead, most of the outdoor scenes are bathed in darkness to disguise the fact the budget couldn’t afford elaborate sets.  (Sometimes it’s just a bunch of people standing around a single old-timey lamppost.)  These scenes are just bad enough to be good for a laugh, and the English accents are flat-out terrible, which increases the hilarity.  Like the other stories, it unfortunately suffers from a weak twist ending.

The Monster Raid (***) is by far the best segment.  A scientist is too busy with his experiments to notice his wife is cheating on him with his assistant.  They plan to run away together, but first they must get rid of the good doctor.  The assistant sabotages the experiment, kills the doctor, and plans to steal his discovery. Little does he realize the experiment has given his mentor the power to rise from the grave and get revenge. 

The Monster Raid is similar in some ways to Roger Corman’s Poe movies and their use of garish colors.  It kicks off with a genuinely atmospheric moment when the scientist awakens from his tomb and has a number of fun moments along the way.  Not only did Hewitt manage to inject some chills into this entry, he also did a much better job with the period detail than in the previous stories.  There are countryside vistas, a horse-drawn carriage, and even some fine period costumes.  Heck, the cheap lab set is kind of cool.  I also liked the flashback structure, and the sinister narration is well done. However, as with the other tales, the resolution is too rushed to be truly satisfying. 

In Spark of Life (**), a doctor (Chaney) tells a pair of med students about the experiments of Dr. Frankenstein.  To test his theory, they try an experiment on a corpse and it winds up working all too well.  Unfortunately, they really should’ve checked to see just who they were reanimating before they started their experiment. 

This story is pretty standard and unremarkable.  It kind of plays like a half-assed variation of Re-Animator, minus the over the top gore.  Although the twist ending is predictable, Hewitt executes it decently enough.  The best thing about it is Chaney’s cantankerous performance.  You won’t believe him as a brilliant scientist for a second, but that’s part of the fun. 

Count Dracula (**) is the final tale.  Jonathan Harker comes to Dracula’s castle to close a business deal.  Their meeting is interrupted when an angry mob of villagers chase a woman in white claiming she’s a vampire.  Harker joins in on the hunt and we soon realize he has an ulterior motive for coming to the castle.

At first, it all seems like a Cliffs Notes version of the Bram Stoker classic before becoming something more akin to a Paul Naschy movie.  The period detail is better than King Vampire, and the graveyard set and fog-shrouded crypt are nicely done given the low budget.  Too bad Mitch Evans’ terrible performance as Dracula (not to mention the silly ending) pretty much sinks it.

The best parts are the animated scene transitions.  Within each segment there are cool page-turning effects which give the film a living comic book feel.   (These effects were later put to better use in Creepshow.)  I also dug the blood splatters and the bat transformations that were done courtesy of animation.  These little touches can’t save the movie, but they do give Gallery of Horror a certain charm.  

AKA:  Gallery of Horrors.  AKA:  Return from the Past.  AKA:  King Vampire.  AKA:  The Bloodsuckers.  AKA:  Dr. Terror’s Gallery of Horrors.  AKA:  The Witch’s Clock.

TOMB OF TORTURE (1966) ***

Tomb of Torture opens with an atmospheric credits sequence highlighted by some cool camerawork.  As the camera glides along the corridors of a creepy decrepit castle, it builds up a growing sense of dread, culminating with a nice little stinger.  The opening sequence is equally awesome as the movie wastes no time getting right down to business. 

Two girls sneak into a castle where they don’t belong and are captured and taken to the torture chamber by a giggling deformed hunchback with a fucked-up face.  After killing one girl, he puts her friend on the rack and tortures her.  Then the plot begins. 

A mentally fragile girl named Anna (Annie Alberti) believes she’s the reincarnation of a dead countess.  Her father, a know-it-all shrink (Adriano Micantoni) takes her to stay at the countess’ castle as a form of shock therapy to disprove her claims.  It doesn’t take long before Anna’s seeing visions of the countess, cackling skeletons, and suits of armor walking around all by themselves.

One of the many cool things about Tomb of Torture is the beautiful sepia-tint cinematography.  It helps to give a film that’s already loaded with atmosphere an added dreamlike feel.  (There’s a distinct Mario Bava vibe throughout the picture.)  Anna’s nightmare/freak-out scene looks particularly badass thanks to the visual flourishes of director Antonio Boccaci. 

Even though it was released in 1966, there’s just enough skin here to be provocative without really revealing too much.  The only things we get to see are bare legs, midriffs, and shoulders but it’s all done in such a sleazy way that it often feels more exploitative than it really is.  These moments are contrasted by the lighthearted (and genuinely funny) comedy bit where our romantic love interest (Marco Mariani) has a meet-cute with Anna while she is skinny-dipping.  It’s a little reminiscent of Last House of the Left how it goes from balls-out horror to over-the-top comedy on a dime, but it still manages to work somehow.  This sequence is accompanied by comedic music like you’d hear in an old Charlie Chaplin movie, which adds to the overall effect.  

It’s here however when Tomb of Torture kind of loses a little steam.  Once Mariani begins investigating the goings-on in the castle, the breakneck pacing begins to flag.  The ending is a little contrived too, but there’s still enough cool shit here to make it worthwhile for horrorhounds everywhere. 

Micantoni gets the best line when he tells a cop, “You’ve been drinking!  A good enema is what you need!”