THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: DON’T MESS WITH MY SISTER! (1985) * ½

Usually when I do The 31 Days of Horror-Ween, I pick the movies out ahead of time.  Sometimes, in an effort to cover all genres, I accidentally wind up with a movie that Isn’t Really a Horror Movie.  It looks like a horror movie.  Sounds like a horror movie.  It even comes from people with a pedigree for making horror movies.  However, for whatever reason, it’s anything but.  That’s pretty much the case with the awesomely titled, awfully made Don’t Mess with My Sister!

Steven (Joe Perce) is stuck in a dead-end job working as an accountant in his brothers in-law’s junkyard.  Steven’s wife, Clara (Jeannine Lemay) hires belly dancer Annika (Laura Lanfranchi) for his birthday party.  When she leaves her costume at his house, Steven agrees to return it to her.  He then gives her a ride to her next client, who tries to force himself on Annika.  Steven intervenes on her behalf, accidentally killing the guy in the process.  In the throes of passion, they wind up hooking up, and when Clara learns of Steven’s infidelity, she sends her burly brothers out to teach him a lesson. 

Don’t Mess with My Sister! gives director Meir Zarchi another opportunity to explore his penchant for giving men with oddly shaped faces long, disgusting close-ups.  Unlike his classic I Spit on Your Grave, there’s no real payoff to justify the slow-burn opening.  It gets bogged down right from the get-go with lots of annoying family drama and it never really recovers.  To make matters worse, much of it is just plain boring.  

Badly acted, and crudely put together, it lacks the punch to the gut feeling of I Spit on your Grave.  I don’t know if Zarchi set out to recapture lightning in a bottle, but there’s absolutely no lightning to be found here.  Heck, you’d be hard-pressed to find a bottle.  

I will give him this, he always fills his movies with weird touches that make them memorable.  I mean most filmmakers would’ve just made the Annika character a stripper and called it a day.  Zarchi instead turns her into a belly dancer and gives her lots of long scenes of her fluttering her belly around to Moroccan music.  He also has an undeniable knack for coming up with a great title.

Sadly, to my chagrin, this isn’t really a horror movie.  It’s more of a tale of white trash relationship woes.  At times, it almost feels like a scuzzy version of a Lifetime movie.  There was a kernel of an interesting premise here.  Unfortunately, it just devolves into a lot of scenes of family members shouting, pushing, hitting, and discharging firearms.  You know, typical domestic disturbance stuff.  Hardly the sort of thing you’d expect from the guy who made I Spit on Your Grave. 

AKA:  Family and Honor.  AKA:  American Junkyard.  AKA:  N.Y. Fire Street.

ISLAND CLAWS (1980) * ½

A Three Mile Island-style accident causes gallons of contaminated water to spill into the ocean.  That just so happens to be the spot where a bunch of crabs do their nesting.  Barry Nelson (the same year as The Shining!) is the scientist who’s working on a way to grow the world’s food supply exponentially.  Meanwhile, crabs start attacking the locals and before long, they are menaced by a giant killer crab the size of a Volkswagen.  

So, wait.  Was it Nelson’s super food that turned the crab big or was it the nuclear accident?  Or was it a combination of the two?  Heck, I just watched the movie and I can’t even remember.

Most times though, it’s just a bunch of little crabs running around.  Now, I’m from Maryland so we have blue crabs here that are way bigger and more threatening than these little guys, so the whole thing was kind of ridiculous to me.  Once the giant crab shows up, it’s good for a laugh, but first (and only) time director Hernan Cardenas manages to screw the pooch during the climax.  I will say he does offer up one or two effective shots when the monster is backlit.  In these moments, it looks marginally menacing.  When they shine a light on it, the thing looks fucking stupid.  Luckily, they go back to bathing the movie in total darkness soon after so you can’t see the damned thing for the bulk of its screen time.  If you think the monster scenes are handled clumsily wait till you see the scenes of racial tension among the islanders and the Haitian community.   In fact, many of the nighttime scenes are so dark it’s near impossible to make anything out.  That might’ve been for the best now that I think about it.  

In the right hands, this could’ve been a fun, if cheesy, Animals Gone Wild movie.  It even uses the durable Jaws 2 cliché of a victim wildly trying to kill the attacking animal, only to wind up blowing themselves up in the process.  Unfortunately, like most crabcakes, there’s just too much filler here for its own good.

Ricou Browning who famously played the underwater Gill Man in Creature from the Black Lagoon, co-wrote the script.

AKA:  Night of the Claw.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: THE EVIL (1978) **

Richard Crenna and his wife (Joanna Pettet) buy a big-ass mansion that has a checkered past dating all the way back to the Civil War with the intent of turning it into a drug rehab clinic.  She starts seeing ghosts almost immediately during the walk-through, which is certainly something I would’ve brought up to the realtor myself.  Anyway, they gather a crew of friends and colleagues together to spruce the place up.  Of course, Crenna stupidly awakens the malevolent force that lurks in the basement and the newly unleashed sinister specter traps them in the mansion and begins picking off his pals one by one.

Since this is a low budget ‘70s horror movie, of course, Andrew Prine is in it.  If you’re watching a low budget ‘70s horror movie and Andrew Prine is nowhere to be found, you almost feel like you’ve got to send out a search party.  His mere presence in schlock like this is somewhat comforting, even if the film itself is terrible.

The real star is the mansion itself.  Director Gus (The Sidehackers) Trikonis can’t keep the story moving along, but he does manage to offer up a few creepy shots inside the house.  While the place is loaded with dark and dreary atmosphere, it’s also loaded with a lot of dull dialogue scenes.  Because of that, the movie stalls out in between the attack scenes.

There’s a larger cast than usual for this sort of thing, so the body count is higher than you might expect.  We get deaths by fire (the pyrotechnic burn effects aren’t bad and include one burning stunt that occurs in mid-air), electrocution, dog attack, and strangely enough, quicksand.  (You should have a word with the landscaper about that.)  The most memorable moment though is the mishap with a power saw.  

Most of the spirit attacks are repetitive and mainly involve people getting thrown around the room by the unseen evil.  There’s even one sequence that kind of plays like a warm-up to the invisible assault scene in The Entity, although it’s not nearly as graphic (or effective).  Unfortunately, you’re forced to accept a bunch of scenes of wind machines working overtime and blowing in the cast’s faces in lieu of actual scares.  The sounds of the ghost howling uncontrollably during these sequences get a bit grating too. 

Most of this is watchable, but the ending feels like it came out of an entirely different movie.  Victor Buono’s extended cameo is certainly an odd way to wrap things up.  I’m not sure if it was a reshoot or what, but the look and tone of it just doesn’t match anything that came before.  His portrayal will probably remind you of Peter Stormare in Constantine. 

I think my favorite character was the drunk caretaker who happens to be the first victim.  I especially liked how he muttered exposition in between swigs from his flask.  It’s not a great scene or anything, but it was an amusing attempt to dole out necessary plot information in a novel way.  

AKA:  The Evil Below.  AKA:  House of Evil.  AKA:  Cry Demon.  

POSSESSION (2010) *

Sarah Michelle Gellar stars in this tepid, tedious supernatural drama from Yari Film Group.  Yari went bankrupt before the film’s release, causing it to sit on the shelf for a few years.  It should’ve stayed there.  No, in fact the shelf is too good for Possession.  It belongs in the trash. 

Possession has nothing to do with the Isabelle Adjani movie.  It has nothing to do with the Gwyneth Paltrow one either.  It has everything to do with being the movie equivalent of chloroform.  One whiff of this flick and you’ll be out like a light.

Jess (Gellar) takes her doting husband Ryan (Michael Landes) for granted, mostly because his fuck-up brother Roman (Lee Pace) lives with them.  Jess used to be Roman’s parole officer, which makes it even more awkward.  When the brothers are involved in a car crash, it results with both of them in coma.  While Ryan lay comatose, Roman awakens claiming to be his brother.  Jess is skeptical, but Roman seems to know things only she and Ryan would know.  Has Ryan’s spirit somehow become mixed up inside Roman’s body, or is Roman (who has a history of abuse) just putting her through some sort of elaborate mental torture?

Possession does that thing where nothing happens for the longest time.  You sit there hoping it’ll get better, waiting for some kind of payoff.  When the payoff finally comes, it’s so tame that it wouldn’t even scare your grandmother.  (It would look right at home on Lifetime.)  By that time, it’s hard to care either way if it is some sort of supernatural B.S. or just Pace playing head games with Gellar.  

One interesting thing to note:  Pace plays a dude named Roman in this movie and he played a guy named Ronan in The Guardians of the Galaxy.  Okay, that’s not interesting at all, but I’ve got a word count to hit here. 

AKA:  Shuffle 2:  Exchange.  

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: THE FREAKMAKER (1974) ***

I saw The Freakmaker on television as a kid (under its original title, The Mutations) and it freaked me out.  Usually when I do The 31 Days of Horror-Ween, I’m looking for weird or obscure movies I’ve never seen before.  However, when it was suggested to me under the “Customers Also Watched” recommendation heading, it brought back a flood of memories.  I’m glad I watched it again because it makes for a solid slice of rainy-day fun.

The opening is just a work of mad genius.  The time-lapse photography of plants growing, giving way to shots of carnivorous plants eating insects, accompanied by creepy narration by Donald Pleasence makes it feel like a mash-up of Hammer’s House of Horrors and Nova.  The film fitfully flirts with fulfilling the promise of this sequence throughout its running time and when it does, it’s enough to put a smile on any horror lover’s face.

It was directed by legendary cinematographer Jack Cardiff, so you know it looks like a million bucks.  Yes, the man who gave The Red Shoes that otherworldly aura lends that same look and feel to the scene where Donald Pleasence feeds a bunny rabbit to a Venus Fly Trap.  I’m here to tell you, it’s a thing of beauty.  (Oh, and did you know Cardiff was also the cinematographer for Rambo:  First Blood:  Part 2?  This guy can do it all!)

Anyway, Pleasence stars as a college professor who spends most of his time in his botanical lab trying to create half-man half-plant mutants.  Whenever he fails, he just sends the botched experiments to the local freakshow.  Dr. Who’s Tom Baker is his deformed assistant who abducts comely college coeds for Donald’s experiments.  When he turns one of his students into a freak, it prompts her friends to coming looking for her.

So, what we have here is a mix of Freaks, Frankenstein, and Little Shop of Horrors.  In fact, the movie blatantly rips off whole scenes from Freaks (even the “One of Us” scene).  It’s enough to make you wonder how no one got sued.  (Even though the movie rips off Freaks, I think there’s a moment at the end that David Cronenberg ripped off when he made The Fly.)

Admittedly, it all fits together incongruously as The Freakmaker often feels like two movies spliced together.  Then again, it kind of fits the theme of the movie.  For me, the mad scientist plot worked slightly better than the freakshow scenes, but your mileage may vary.  I mean the big reveal of Pleasence’s creation (as well as his subsequent comeuppance) is just all kinds of lurid fun.  I especially liked the scene where Baker (whose character is stricken with acromegaly) goes to a prostitute just to have her tell him she loves him.  Little touches like these give added dimension to the movie and makes it feel like something more than your average horror show.  

AKA:  The Mutations.  AKA:  Dr. of Evil.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: DISCONNECTED (1984) **

Disconnected comes to us from director Gorman Bechard, the man behind such films as Psychos in Love, Galactic Gigolo, and Cemetery High.  It’s kind of rough, but you can sort of see what he was going for.  There are plenty worse Hitchcock-inspired, no-budget, first-time features out there, that’s for sure.

Alicia (Frances Raines) just broke up with her boyfriend.  There’s a slasher going around killing young women and it doesn’t even dawn on her that the creepy guy who keeps asking her out might be the killer.  Meanwhile, Alicia is plagued with telephone calls.  This isn’t just your average obscene caller either.  When she picks up the phone, it emits a screeching, piercing sound into her ear, effectively driving her bananas.

Does the slasher story and the telephone subplot ever come together?  Not really.  True to its title, Disconnected never clicks.  In fact, it’s all over the place.  There are scenes that have polish and pizzazz (like the opening credits sequence that utilizes rapid-fire editing) that are almost immediately followed by long, drawn-out scenes that seemingly go nowhere (like the scene where a terrible band is shown playing a number nearly in its entirety), making for a frustrating and uneven experience.  Most of it is kind of rough, but there are a few good moments along the way that make it almost worthwhile.  (The Argento-ish use of color during an atmospheric nightmare sequence is pretty inventive.)  Other sequences are baffling incompetent.  (One scene has a giant lens flare that basically whites out the entire frame.  It’s enough to make J.J. Abrams envious.) 

The quality whiplashes back and forth so much that it often feels like it was the work of two entirely different crews.  Perhaps Bechard started off with a short film and then expanded on it later.  If that was the case, I could be charitable.  However, having the big climax with the killer happen OFFSCREEN is just fucking frustrating as an audience member.  At least Disconnected has some of the best ‘80s wood paneling I’ve seen in a movie.  So, it has that going for it.

The fact that a lot of the movie takes place inside an old mom and pop video store where Alicia works is enough for me to kind of give it a pass.  When you get bored (and trust me, it will happen) you can amuse yourself by spotting the videos on the shelf.  I found Halloween 2, Exorcist 2, The Amityville Horror, and Mother’s Day, among others. 

Raines does a fine job in the lead.  She also plays her twin sister admirably enough.  The scene where she and her sister have a conversation is edited a bit crudely, but Raines equips herself nicely all things considered.  Also, the Galactic Gigolo himself, Carmine Capobianco appears as cop in a Hawaiian shirt.  It’s nice to see him popping up, even if his interview segments feel more like padding than anything.  Oh, and apparently Jon Brion (who did the music for a few Paul Thomas Anderson movies) is in the band in the opening scenes. 

I almost gave Disconnected ** ½ just because when it works, it works.  Unfortunately, it goes on about fifteen minutes too long.  The finale is nothing more than a series of montages that lead up to a puzzling black-and-white still frame collage, capped off by a shitty non-ending.  Up until then, it had the same quirky charm that hallmark most of Bechard’s work.  If you’re a fan of his films, by all means check it out.  Others may want to hang up.

AKA:  Telephone Killer.

LIGHTS OUT (2016) *

Martin (Gabriel Bateman) is an exhausted kid who keeps falling asleep in class.  When his nutzo mom (Maria Bello) won’t pick him up from school, it’s up to his estranged sister Rebecca (Teresa Palmer) to take him home.  When Rebecca discovers mom’s off her meds, she decides to let Martin stay with her.  Rebecca slowly realizes Martin’s insomnia is directly tied to a mysterious shadowy entity named Diana, who can only be seen in the dark.  Eventually, Diana comes for Martin, and it’s up to his big sister to protect him.

Lights Out was expanded from a short film and boy, does it ever show.  It’s only eighty minutes long, but there’s really only enough plot for eight.  Bloodless and boring, it flounders around for most of the running time substituting darkened rooms for genuine atmosphere.  The attack scenes are repetitive too.  Diana appears in the shadows.  Someone shines a light on her.  She disappears.  They move the flashlight, and she returns; this time accompanied by loud screeching sounds on the soundtrack to let the audience know it’s “scary”.  Minor variations on this scenario are peppered about here and there as the movie reaches its obvious conclusion, but none of them are remotely effective.

This was the first feature by David F. Sandberg, who went on to make the better-than-it-should’ve-been Annabelle:  Creation and the fun Shazam!  (There are a lot of DC superhero references throughout the film.)  If anything will keep you muddling through, it’s the fine lead performance by Teresa Palmer.  Other than that, there isn’t much here to recommend.  You’re sure to be out like a light by the time the credits roll.

AKA:  Lights/Off.