THE VISIT (2015) *

I made it this far into The 31 Days of Horror-Ween without watching a single Found Footage horror movie.  My luck had to run out sometime.  To add insult to injury, it was directed by M. Night Shyamalan.  Even though I’m not a fan of his, I have to admit, making a Found Footage movie seems kind of beneath him.  As far as his films go, it’s nothing abominably bad like The Village or Unbreakable.  It’s just a rather ordinary and forgettable shaky-cam shitfest.

Two kids make a documentary about spending the week at their grandparents’ house.  At first, they seem like your typical old people.  The first hint something’s wrong is when they impose a strict 9:30 curfew.  Naturally, when the kids leave the room, they begin witnessing their grandparents’ increasingly bizarre behavior.  They try to chalk it up to dementia (and in one instance, incontinence), but they eventually come to realize there’s something seriously wrong with their grandparents.

Because your film is literally in the hands of two annoying kids, that means you have to sit through long scenes of them arguing.  Unfortunately, you also have to sit through the one kid’s awful amateur rapping.  (“It’s a form of modern poetry.”)  That’s not even mentioning the scene where they play hide and seek while holding cameras that features some of the most nauseating shaky-cam I’ve ever witnessed.  

As for the obligatory Shyamalan twist, it’s sorely predictable.  I’m sure, you can probably guess what happens.  I mean I guessed the ending to The Sixth Sense in the second scene, but at least it was delivered competently.  Here, it just sort of happens, and then the movie goes on for another useless half-hour or so.

The finale might’ve been effective if only for the fact that Shyamalan splits the kids up.  That way, instead of watching one shaky hard-to-comprehend sequence, we have two to suffer through.  The cutting back and forth between the kids doesn’t help either scene’s payoff.  In fact, one of the sequences (the grandma scene) could’ve actually worked had it not been for the atrocious camerawork.

In short, it’s yet another case of Found Footage, Get Lost!

THE SATANIST (1968) ** ½

A writer goes away with his wife for a little rest and relaxation.  When they accidentally hit their neighbor Shandra with the car, she arises from the crash miraculously unhurt.  She then invites them into her home where she reveals to them that she is a practitioner of the occult.  As they’re about to leave, she gives our clueless hero a book on black magic that makes him have sex-filled dreams.  Then, he and his wife take turns spying on their sexy Satanist neighbor.  In the end, the couple are invited to Shandra’s black mass party where people in robes and weird masks tie up our hero while they have a gangbang with his wife before partaking in an all-out Satanic orgy.

The black and white photography looks great and director Zoltan G. (Terror at Orgy Castle) Spenser finds some interesting angles (like the accident scene) to help separate The Satanist from the other occult-themed nudies of the time.  The outdoor nude scenes and various naked rituals also help to make it memorable.  Not GOOD exactly, but memorable.

The sex scene between our hero and his wife is kind of boring, which I guess is to be expected, but the lesbian oil massage scene ekes out a spark or two.  Then things get weird when Shandra uses her black magic to turn into a man so she can bone her girlfriend.  Too bad many of the shots are held for far too long during the majority of the sex scenes.  They do have a certain allure to them, it’s just that with a little more judicious editing, they could’ve been quite steamy.  Still, there are definitely some good moments here (like when the writer bones a hot blonde next to his sleeping wife) to make The Satanist worth a look for fans of ‘60s nudies.

SMASH CUT (2009) ** ½

David Hess stars as a horror director who is enraged when audiences mock his latest film, Terror Toy.  After he accidentally kills a stripper, he notices the gore in his movies just doesn’t compare to the real thing.  He then takes to using his own blood to make the effects look more realistic.  After passing out on the set, he realizes he needs other people’s blood to keep the movie going.  Hess kills critics, producers, and financiers, all of whom he feels have interfered with his “artistic vision”.  Porn star Sasha Grey co-stars as a journalist investigating the death of her sister, Hess’ first victim, who ingratiates herself into his inner circle by winning the starring role in his latest opus.

The best part is the very beginning featuring the Godfather of Gore himself, Herschell Gordon Lewis warning the audience a la Blood Feast.  He also appears later on in a small role as Grey’s boss.  While his presence alone brought a smile to this gorehound’s face, I also wish he had more to do.

Despite the great set-up, Smash Cut spins its wheels a bit too much in the middle portion of the film.  We do get a fun scene where Hess makes Grey audition with a scene from Hamlet using her dead sister’s decapitated head as Yorick’s skull.  Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is a bit spotty when it comes to the gore scenes.  Some of the effects are good, while others (like the eyeball gag) are crappy.  (I’m thinking specifically of the odd scene where Hess dresses like a boat captain and kills a guy with a harpoon… on a double decker bus?!?)  The death-by-clapboard scene is pretty cool though.

Hess is a lot of fun as the maniacal director.  If you’re a fan of the man, you’ll want to give it a look as he shows he still has the goods.  It’s also fun just watching Hess and Michael Berryman sharing scenes together, seeing as they’re both best known for their work in iconic Wes Craven movies.  On the other side of the coin, Grey shows none of the chops she showed in The Girlfriend Experience (which came out the same year).  At least she gets by on her looks.  Jesse Buck on the other hand grates on the nerves as a completely gratuitous detective who hams it up every chance he gets and manages to sink nearly every scene he’s in.  

If you can’t already tell, Smash Cut is a loving homage to Lewis’s work (especially Color Me Blood Red).  In addition to the Blood Feast-inspired opening, the movie also uses some music cues from that film.  Heck, even the Wizard of Gore himself, Ray Sager turns up in a small role. 

As far as latter day Lewis homages go it's much better than the Wizard of Gore remake.  Still, it’s not a patch on Lewis’s own Blood Feast 2.  The tongue-in-cheek humor never quite meshes with the over the top gore, but hey, if you ever wanted to see David Hess do yoga, this is your chance. 

BLOODY WEDNESDAY (1987) * ½

Phillip (Night Train to Terror) Yordan wrote this bleak, boring true-life story ripped from the then-current headlines.  It was based on the infamous San Diego McDonald’s massacre where a lone gunman killed dozens of people eating at the beloved fast food chain.  Incidents like that seemed surreal back when the film was made.  Now these incidents happen far too often.  It’s still a timely story.  It’s just not a very good movie.

Harry (Raymond Elmendorf) loses his job as a mechanic because he can’t keep his mind on his work.  The next day, he walks into church buck naked, which gets him sent to a mental hospital for evaluation.  He’s naturally released due to overcrowding (after all, he was only charged with indecent exposure) and winds up living in a rundown hotel.  There, he begins to lose touch with reality the more and more isolated he becomes.  He eventually turns his rage on a bunch of innocents eating breakfast in a diner.  (Come on, you didn’t think McDonald’s would allow them to film there, did you?)

The filmmakers try to put the audience in Harry’s shoes so you’re never sure what’s going on.  Sometimes he talks to the hotel staff and guests, who obviously aren’t really there.  However, what about those punks that are squatting downstairs?  Are they real, or is he hallucinating them too?  Some of the hallucinations are more obvious than others (like when he bangs his shrink).  Too bad none of this makes Harry a sympathetic character as Elmendorf is just too annoying for you to really care about.

The scenes of Harry interacting with imaginary people are so amateurish that the film fails miserably as a psychological study.  It never quite clicks as a horror movie either.  There is one memorable scene where Harry plays “courtroom”.  He ties up the punks and lets his teddy bear be the judge.  The bear, who talks in a voice only Harry can hear, presides over the scared shitless thugs screaming, “GUILTY!” in a creepy voice.  It’s just weird enough to be memorable, but not effective enough to really “work”.

The final diner massacre scene where Harry guns down dozens of people with a machine gun is effective though.  It just comes as too little too late.  As silly and off-kilter as the rest of the movie is, it feels cheap to have such a realistic depiction of a mass shooting as the capper of your film.  By then, whatever statement the filmmakers were trying to make was lost, especially when so much of what came before was so goofy and slapdash. 

AKA:  The Great American Massacre.

DOMINIQUE (1979) **

Director Michael (Logan’s Run) Anderson and producer Milton (The House That Dripped Blood) Subotsky teamed up for this elegant, moody, but kind of empty chiller.  Wealthy wife Jean Simmons thinks her hubby Cliff Robertson is trying to drive her insane.  Eventually, the poor gal hangs herself, but before long, it’s Cliff who starts seeing spooky shit around the mansion.  Is he going cuckoo or is his dead wife really roaming the halls at night?  I guess there’s only one thing to do:  Dig that broad up! 

Dominque is kind of like a mash-up of Gaslight and Diabolique.  (The title even rhymes.)  It’s all fairly straightforward stuff, but Anderson is able to inject a little style into the material to prevent it from feeling too stale.  Some stretches are very staid, like a TV Movie of the Week.  Others have an almost Argento-like use of color.  Unfortunately, it never quite comes together.  

After a fine set-up, the middle section drags far too much.  In addition to the pokey pacing, the script is a bit too predictable for its own good.  I mean it’s one thing for the audience to know exactly where the plot is going.  It’s another thing to make them wait forever to get there.  Even when we finally get there, it’s unnecessarily dragged out ten minutes longer that it had any right being.

Cliff plays his usual evil asshole character.  He does a solid job as the guy you love to hate.  Simmons is okay, if a bit miscast, although she disappears from the story in a hurry. We also have An American Werewolf in London’s Jenny Agutter looking fine, although she isn’t given much to do. 

Dominque isn’t bad exactly.  I didn’t hate it, but I wanted to like it more than I did.  Ultimately, it’s a tad too lightweight to appeal to die-hard horror hounds, but it’s a nice enough effort all the same. 

AKA:  Dominique is Dead.  AKA:  Dominique is Dead… Or is She?  AKA:  Avenging Spirit.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: WOLFGIRL (2001) ***

Tim Curry stars as the ringmaster of a traveling sideshow carnival of freaks.  Grace Jones plays the half-man/half-woman. Both perform musical numbers.  

What was that?  Was that the sound of you adding Wolfgirl to your Prime watchlist?  Good.  

Anyway, Tara (Victoria Sanchez) is the wolfgirl of the title.  She’s covered with hair from head to toe and is the star attraction of sideshow.  When a bully (Shawn Ashmore from the X-Men movies) cruelly taunts her, it makes Tara yearn for a normal life.  Ryan (Dov Tiefenbach), a teenage outcast whose mother (Lesley Ann Warren, who was also in Clue with Curry) is working in her basement laboratory to isolate genes, offers to help her.  He gives her an experimental drug that can potentially reverse her condition.

Of course, the side effects may include headaches, hallucinations, an unshakeable urge to drink from the toilet, and an insatiable bloodlust. 

I’m a sucker for a good freakshow movie.  I love the werewolf genre even more.  As such, I can honestly say the filmmakers did a much better job blending the two together than Howling 6 did. 

It helps that the characters are well drawn, likeable, and sympathetic.  Sanchez (who looks great naked whether she’s covered in hair or not) delivers a fine performance and Curry is particularly great as the ringleader father figure who looks after the freaks.  Director Thom Fitzgerald also does a good job at portraying Tara’s tormentors three-dimensionally.  Deep down, they feel like freaks themselves and are only lashing out because of their own insecurities.  That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does give Wolfgirl an added layer of tragedy a lesser film wouldn’t have had.

Wolfgirl is also interesting because it’s almost like a werewolf tale told in reverse.  Tara starts off like a normal girl, except she’s covered in hair.  When the drug’s side effects bring out the wolf in her, she becomes more animalistic the less hairy she gets. 

It doesn’t all work.  While some of the innuendo-laden musical numbers are amusing, there are frankly just too many song and dance routines that clog up the film.  There’s also a bit too many characters and subplots that get in the way.  Still, it’s a nice attempt, nonetheless.  After watching so many interchangeable, forgettable, and dull horror movies this month, Wolfgirl gave me something to howl about.

AKA:  Wolf Girl.  AKA:  Blood Moon.

THE OMEGANS (1968) ** ½

Valdemar (Lucien Pan) is an old artist married to hottie Linda (Ingrid Pitt), his favorite model.  He takes her out into the middle of the jungle to paint her against exotic backgrounds.  Naturally, she’s having an affair with their handsome (and much younger) jungle guide (Keith Larson) and the two of them plot to do away with Valdemar and steal his money.  Once her hubby finds out about their intentions, he lures them to a “cursed” river teeming with radioactivity to set them straight once and for all. 

The Omegans was directed by Lee J. Wilder (brother of Billy), who also made the supremely silly Killers from Space.  It doesn’t have the same cheesy vibe as that flick, but it does have a certain charm about it.  It remains entertaining, even if the pacing is a bit leaden.  Although it takes a while to get going, the scenes of the glowing monster are pretty effective, and the part where Pan discovers Pitt’s infidelity is quite amusing.  

It’s fun to see Pitt in an early horror role, although she looks a bit lost at times.  She hadn’t quite found herself as an actress yet (it sometimes sounds like she’s pronouncing her lines phonetically), but as we all know, she got much better as she went along.  Soon after this film, she was turning out memorable performances in Hammer movies.  Even if her acting is less than stellar in The Omegans, one thing is for sure, she looks great in a bathing suit.

Overall, The Omegans feels like a half-hour Tales from the Crypt episode stretched out to feature length.  It takes its time getting going and when it finally gets there, the ending is predictable.  Still, I kind of liked it, if only for Pitt and the cool “self-cremation” effects.