THE BEASTS OF TERROR (1973) **

A pair of criminal lovebirds are on a joyride when they are abducted by the henchmen of a mad doctor and taken back to his lair.  There, he uses his captives for his zombification experiments and sells the female zombies into white slavery.  Since the police are powerless to stop these brutes, they call on everyone’s favorite Lucha Libre superstar, El Santo and his loyal sidekick Blue Demon to help crack the case. 

The set-up sounds ideal for an El Santo adventure.  A film that features a couple of thrill-killers, a mad doctor, and zombie sex slaves sounds like a recipe for success to me.  Unfortunately, El Santo and Blue Demon are more or less supporting players in this one.  In fact, it takes almost twenty minutes for either of them to finally show up, and even then, the duo spends nearly half the movie in their car, either on a stakeout or tailing the suspects.

While The Beasts of Terror boasts having three wrestling scenes, it’s rather disappointing as they are all much too brief to have any real impact.  (One is probably less than thirty seconds.)  There are also no musical numbers to be had, nor are their any dance routines.  Well, there’s a drunk girl who dances wildly twice.  I guess I should’ve said there’s no CHOREOGRAPHED dance routines.

The lack of El Santo and Blue Demon in this one gives me the feeling that this was an unrelated (possibly unreleased) movie that producers padded with newly shot footage of the two famed masked wrestlers.  I mean they never once make contact with the kidnap victims and when the tragic ending occurs, they just stand around off screen before shaking hands and getting in their cars and leaving.  You could’ve easily edited them out of the film, and it would’ve have affected the plot in any way.

The meat of the movie feels like a Mexican version of an American exploitation picture.  There’s a skeevy scene where one of the kidnap victims seduces the villain’s hunchback assistant to win her freedom.  Nothing is ever shown, but it’s probably the only real memorable moment in the whole flick.  The score is funkier than usual, which helps, but overall, The Beasts of Terror isn’t a terribly vital entry in the El Santo filmography.

AKA:  Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Beasts of Terror.

ALTITUDE (2017) ***

This week, I was a guest on Matt Poirier’s Direct to Video Connoisseur Podcast discussing the career of Dolph Lundgren.  As part of the discussion, we decided to give a new-to-us Dolph flick a look-see and compare notes.  While there’s a part of me that wishes we had chosen a movie that took better advantage of Dolph’s talents, I have to admit that Altitude is surprisingly, a lot of fun.   It’s a throwback to the airplane actioners of the ‘90s such as Passenger 57, Executive Decision, and Air Force One.  There’s even a little bit of déjà vu from Non-Stop as well.  (Man, it makes me feel old to say something from the ‘90s is a “throwback”, but oh well.)  You can listen to our full discussion here: https://www.talkshoe.com/episode/8308715?fbclid=IwAR2ZQf92_CtPZzqm5DC1JEqN_UJcw4BZzNf2sgiW_WC4RyJA0aS5kE1fJ3Q

Denise Richards stars as a demoted FBI agent on a cross-country flight back to DC to work a crummy desk job.  While onboard, she’s approached by a passenger who offers her $50 million if she can get him off the plane safely.  As it turns out, a gang of thieves has hijacked the plane and are planning to crash the bird to cover their tracks.  With the crew members indisposed and confronted with an incompetent air marshal, Richards takes it upon herself to stop the bad guys and save the passengers.

They say there aren’t enough good roles for women of a certain age, but Altitude plays like a manifesto to prove the naysayers wrong.  This is an excellent vehicle for Richards, who’s at the top of her game.  She’s a lot of fun to watch, and to my pleasant surprise, makes for a credible action heroine.  

Of all the actresses in Hollywood, I was not expecting Denise Richards to get a Totally Unrelated Badass Moment scene.  Usually, these are reserved for the likes of Clint Eastwood or Steven Seagal or someone like that.  And what a badass she is.  This scene cleverly uses her sexpot image to usurp the audience’s expectations.  It begins with a man taking people hostage inside an office building while having phone sex with an unseen sexy woman.  When he finally asks her what’s she’s wearing, the filmmakers cut away to Richards outside the building surrounded by FBI agents holding the phone to her ear and saying, “Kevlar!”  Naturally, this leads to the big moment when she storms into the building, diffuses the situation, and takes down the gunman.  

From the opening moments, Altitude announces itself as a quirky actioner that doesn’t quite play by the rules.  Many films like this have a clever opening, but quickly fall into the same repetitive lulls that most DTV actioners run into.  Not this one.  It’s constantly a little bit better at every turn than you’d expect.

You make think I’m crazy, but it’s similar in some ways to Dolph’s classic Showdown in Little Tokyo.  Not only does Altitude move like lightning and has zero fat on it, it’s clearly having fun turning traditional action genre clichés on their ear.  What’s refreshing about the film is that the women are much stronger and competent than the men.  Most of the male characters are seen as buffoons or corrupt, while the women are more than capable, smart, and funny.  While Richards is excellent in the lead, it’s Greer Grammer (Kelsey’s daughter) who steals the movie as Dolph’s henchwoman Sadie.  She has a lot of screen presence, kicks some serious ass (she even believably intimidates Dolph), and is just plain fun to watch.  

Even though Altitude has fun messing with the conventions of an airplane action movie doesn’t mean it fails to deliver the goods.  Everything you’d want to see in an airplane actioner is here:  There are evil flight attendants, fights that occur in the cargo hold, and bad guys getting sucked out of the plane.  It’s as every bit as good as Die Hard on a Plane but with Denise Richards could be.  

On the downside, I will say that the action suffers from poor camerawork and fight choreography.  I can almost write that off though, due to the cramped, claustrophobic quarters inside the airplane.  Unfortunately, you don’t get to see Denise square off with Dolph, but she does fight against UFC star Chuck Liddell.  The CGI is also terrible, and the shots of the airplane often looks like something out of a video game.  That too is forgivable, mostly because the film is so fast moving.  Although it takes place in a cramped, confined space, the movie never feels like it’s repeating itself.  The plot always has forward momentum, and there are no unnecessary scenes to bog the pace down.   

I kind of felt bad spending a whole podcast devoted to Dolph Lundgren talking about a movie in which he had such a minor role.  Even though he spends most of his screen time sitting down in the captain’s seat flying the plane, he still delivers a strong performance.  As a die-hard Dolph fan, I did find it funny that the picture on his character’s ID badge was nothing more than Dolph’s IMDb photo!  

In short, Altitude is one DTV action flick that flies high!  

AKA:  Hijacked.  AKA:  Turbulences.  AKA:  Altitude:  Die Hard in the Sky.  

SANTO VS. THE VICE MAFIA (1971) ** ½

The police are powerless to stop a gang of drug dealers.  They enlist the aid of famous Mexican wrestler (and part-time secret agent) El Santo to help stamp the pushers out.  When a wealthy heiress is kidnapped by the notorious bunch, it’s up to El Santo to rescue her.

The best part of this unremarkable yet entertaining El Santo adventure comes when the bad guys dispose of El Santo and one of the henchmen dons an El Santo mask and impersonates him.  Predictably, El Santo knocks the guy out, trades places with him, and stands idly by while the villains shoot the poor dope and incinerate his corpse!  He then spends the next chunk of the movie pretending to be a henchman who’s pretending to be El Santo and foiling the bad guys’ plans from the inside.  

Because of its grounded nature, Santo vs. the Vice Mafia isn’t as wildly entertaining as some of his silliest films, but it’s a solid effort through and through. In fact, I’m sure it would’ve gotten Three Stars if there was a mummy or robot in there somewhere.  Still, I did like the scene where the bad guys get the drop on El Santo by posing as sports journalists and using a trick camera that emits smoke.  I just wish there were more cool Bond-like gadgets throughout the rest of the movie.

There’s only one wrestling match in the entire film, which is a tad disappointing, but the rest of the action is otherwise okay (although it’s nothing really all that memorable).  The musical numbers and dance routines are a lot more entertaining than usual though.  Things kick off with a rollicking musical number set on the rocks of a seaside resort.  Later, the same guy does a song in a nightclub.  (It looks like someone’s living room.)  After he leaves the stage, a line of chorus girls does a big choreographed dance routine.  (There’s also another amusing routine later in the film.)  These scenes are a lot of fun and help punch up an otherwise by-the-numbers outing.  While it probably won’t win over any new fans, indiscriminate El Santo die-hards are likely to be amused.

THE SIN OF HAROLD DIDDLEBOCK (1947) **

Writer/director Preston Sturges had a number of hits under his belt in the mid ‘40s and practically had carte blanche in Hollywood.  He was a big Harold Lloyd fan and decided to make The Sin of Harold Diddlebock as a comeback vehicle for him.  (Lloyd hadn’t appeared in a movie in over nine years at that point.)  It sounded like a match made in Heaven, but unfortunately for comedy fans, their styles never really mesh.  The fact that the laughs are precious and few makes the teaming of the two comedic titans even more disappointing.

The film opens with the classic football game scene from The Freshman.  It’s supposed to do two things simultaneously:  Remind the audience of just how funny Lloyd could be while also acting as cheap stock footage.  Too bad there’s more laughs in the footage from The Freshman than there is in the rest of the movie.

After winning the big football game, Harold gets offered a lowly job with the promise of an eventual promotion.  Fast-forward twenty years and he’s still stuck at the same desk.  When he complains to the boss, he’s promptly fired.  Faced with few options, the usually teetotaling Harold decides to go out and get drunk for the very first time.  He goes on a wild bender and awakens from his drunken stupor surprised to learn he’s now in possession of a failing circus.  Harold then goes off on a frantic search to pawn off the circus on someone else, but of course he gets no takers. 

The best scene is when Harold goes into the bar and the overly eager bartender played by Edgar (Duck Soup) Kennedy mixes him up a customized drink.  Kennedy is quite funny in this scene, and it’s a shame he wasn’t given more to do elsewhere in the picture.  Other bits are played by such familiar faces as Lionel Stander (as a bookie), Margaret Hamilton (as a maid), and Rudy Vallee (as a potential investor).   

The rest of the picture is low on laughs and surprisingly light on the physical comedy Lloyd is known for.  I guess that’s to be expected, given the fact that he was much older and hadn’t appeared in a movie in over a decade, but still.  He doesn’t give a bad performance either.  It’s just that the film itself is rather lackluster.  The big finale where Harold tries to retrieve a lion from the ledge of a tall building is supposed to evoke memories of the iconic Safety Last.  However, it just comes off as a hollow imitation and isn’t very funny to boot. 

The film sorely lacks Sturges’ comedic touch too.  Sturges might’ve meant The Sin of Harold Diddlebock as a love letter to Lloyd, but I think he would’ve been better off allowing Lloyd to direct the picture as their sensibilities don’t quite gel.  Ultimately, its biggest sin is that it just isn’t very funny.   

AKA:  Mad Wednesday.

ONE-EYED JACKS (1961) ***

There’s a fine line between art and crap.  Because of that, it can sometimes be difficult to tell if the movie you’re watching is terrible or if it’s a work of greatness.  That’s the overriding feeling you get while watching One-Eyed Jacks, the first and only film directed by Marlon Brando.  It’s obtuse and frustrating at times, and yet it’s hard to take your eyes off it.  I can’t say it’s particularly well-made or has any distinguishing directorial touches, but it has a lure to it that is hard to deny, even if the film itself is rather leaden.

Brando replaced Stanley Kubrick as director, if you can believe it.  He stars as a bank robber named Kid who gets left in the desert by partner, Dad (Karl Malden).  Naturally, Kid gets caught by the authorities and is sent to prison.  He breaks out five years later and heads to Monterey, California where Dad is now sheriff. 

This set-up is rather laborious and will likely have you squirming in your seat but stick with it.  An odd thing happens as One-Eyed Jacks enters into its second act.  It becomes less a western and more a maudlin morality play.  You see, once Kid stares down Dad face to face, he realizes he can’t very well kill the man in cold blood.  Dad is grateful of course, but that all changes when Kid starts messing around with Dad’s stepdaughter.  From here, the picture turns grim, violent, and nearly operatic.  

It’s clear when you watch One-Eyed Jacks that Brando was in over his head.  He went way over schedule and over budget and legend has it his first cut clocked in at a whopping five hours.  The studio naturally took it away from him and cut it down to 141 minutes.  

It’s hard to tell just what he was going for.  At times, it’s introspective and moody.  Other times, there are outbursts of violence.  It’s a western in sheep’s clothing as it doesn’t really cater to the demands of the genre.  It almost seems as if Brando was making it all up as he went along.  The picture, like his acting technique calls for long quiet stretches punctuated by great emotion.  I can’t quite say it works, but it’s certainly something.

At times you can almost feel like Brando is only playing coy with the genre and seeing just how far he could push it.  For example, many scenes in the film take place at the beach.  I can’t say I can recall the last time I saw a western with so many (if any) beach scenes.  It’s as if Brando was literally pushing the western as far west as it could possibly go.  

The drama, as I’ve said, is nearly operatic.  You don’t need to be a psychologist to read into the fact that the protagonist and antagonist are named “Kid” and “Dad”.  Nor is the castration metaphor subtle when Dad catches Kid with his daughter and smashes his gun hand, leaving him unable to “shoot”.

It’s hard to say what Stanley Kubrick would’ve done with the material.  If he had done everything exactly the same, it might’ve been hailed as a masterpiece.  Because Brando did it, it’s merely a curiosity piece.  I don’t think Kubrick, who is known for his cold, detached style would’ve allowed Brando to act as theatrical as he does here.  That unrestrained passion seeps into every other aspect of the movie, making One-Eyed Jacks worth a look for Brando enthusiasts.

SANTO ON THE BORDER OF TERROR (1981) ***

Santo on the Border of Terror is at its heart, a metaphor for the plight of the Mexican refugee who is escaping to America in search for a better life.  In fact, it’s probably timelier now than when it was first released.  The film also pulled at my heartstrings more than any Lucha Libre movie in history.  Because of that, it comes highly recommended, even if there are some serious lulls in between the action.  

The picture does kick off right away with El Santo participating in a fast-moving tag-team wrestling match during the opening credits.  (El Santo also wrestles in a six-man tag-team match later in the film.)  He then makes the acquaintance of a sexy lounge singer and her little sister, who is blind.  They plan to cross the border to America so she can have an operation on her eyes, and El Santo offers to help them out.  Her boyfriend is lured into thinking a doctor will help him across the border, but he just wants to use him for his own devious medical experiments.  It’s then up to El Santo to rescue him and bring down the evil doctor once and for all.

Masked wrestlers are intensely secretive about their identities.  Keeping up the mystery of their appearance is one of the most hallowed traditions in their sport.  That’s what makes the scene where El Santo takes off his mask and allows the little blind girl to touch his face so she can “see” him so damned beautiful.  The other characters respectfully look the other way when El Santo does this, and the camera is kept behind him, so the audience doesn’t see his face either.  It’s a great, touching, tender, human moment that we rarely get to see in these films.  So poignant was this scene that it reduced me to tears.  I’ll admit, I’ve had some personal stuff going on this week.  It might not have affected me the way it did otherwise.  That in no way takes away from the power of this scene, one of the finest in El Santo’s career.

Okay, enough of the mushy stuff.  There’s still enough wrestling action and goofy shit (the doctor keeps a pair of eyeballs floating in a jar) to make Santo on the Border of Terror work as a pure Lucha Libre flick.  I will say the fights that take place outside of the ring are somewhat lacking.  (The overuse of long shots during the action kind of takes away from the immediacy of the fights.)  We also get two nightclub performance scenes for viewers who love seeing Mexican musical numbers in their El Santo movies.  I also enjoyed seeing The Puma Man’s Miguel Angel Fuentes in an early role as the mad scientist’s henchman.

Unfortunately, the film really drags when El Santo or the cute kid aren’t front and center.  Although the presence of a mad scientist is always welcome in these films, these scenes just aren’t as wacky or as weird as El Santo’s best stuff.  The evil doctor shit is also an uneasy mix with the exploitation of Mexican workers subplot.  Still, Santo on the Border of Terror’s heart is in the right place, which is all that really matters.  I can’t be too mad if it doesn’t quite make the grade as a social parable, especially when El Santo’s interactions with the little blind girl are so heartwarming.  

AKA:  Santo in the Border of Terror.  AKA:  Santo vs. the White Shadow.

INFERNO (1953) ***

Geraldine (Rhonda Fleming) and her lover Joseph (William Lundigan) ditch her husband Donald (Robert Ryan) in the middle of the desert with a broken leg.  Hoping he’ll die of exposure so they can live happily ever after together, they come up with a bogus cover story that the gullible law enforcement buys hook, line, and sinker.  Naturally, Donald uses his wits and ingenuity to not only survive, but to get the upper hand on his two-timing wife and her spineless suitor. 

This 3-D thriller has a solid premise, reliable performances, and a snappy pace.  Director Roy Ward Baker (who would go on to direct many Hammer horror classics) waits till the thrilling climax before he unleashes the best 3-D gimmicks.  He’s more concerned with crafting an involving tale of survival than tossing a bunch of stuff into the audience’s lap.  The taut desert scenes utilize some terrific voiceover by Ryan.  Although he says very little out loud, his constant narration is a wonderful technique to show his thought process and draw the audience deeper into his plight.

The scenes of Fleming and Lundigan deliberately throwing the police off their scent and playing house together aren’t nearly as compelling as Ryan’s fight for survival.  Their performances are still strong enough to keep you watching though.  Ryan is the real standout however.  His performance is even more impressive when you realize he speaks very little throughout the first two acts of the film.  Henry (The Werewolf of London) Hull is also quite good as an old timer who eventually lends Ryan a hand.

Baker waits till the last ten minutes or so to pile on the 3-D effects, but they’re well worth the wait.  Once Ryan and Lundigan finally lock horns, they throw nearly everything they can get their hands on at each other, and consequentially out into the audience.  Among the 3-D effects:

·         3-D Airplane Nose

·         3-D Gun

·         3-D Rocks

·         3-D Torch

·         3-D Lantern

·         3-D Cup

·         3-D Chair

·         3-D Falling Timbers