CLEANING OUT THE DVR: MIKE AND DAVE NEED WEDDING DATES (2016) ***

Another HBO free preview and another slew of movies put into the DVR.  This group was from July 22^nd, 2017.  The first movie on this block of programming is the pleasant, engaging, and frequently funny Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. 

Mike (Adam Devine) and Dave (Zac Efron) are two man-children brothers who have a habit of getting wasted and ruining every family get-together.  With their sister’s Hawaiian wedding on the horizon, their father (Stephen Root) orders them to find nice and respectable dates for the occasion.  Enter two sketchy, down-and-out friends named Alice (Anna Kendrick) and Tatiana (Aubrey Plaza) who pass themselves off as nice girls in exchange for a free trip to Hawaii, but in reality, they are just as wild and out of control as Mike and Dave. 

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates has a one-note sitcom premise.  You might even find yourself experiencing a little bit of Wedding Crashers déjà vu.  (Heck, the characters reference the movie at one point.)  All that doesn’t really matter though if the performances are entertaining and the laughs are there, which they are.

It’s pretty much a far-gone conclusion how all of this is going to play out.  Even if the set-ups (and often times, the punchlines) are predictable, there is enough genuine chemistry between Efron and Devine and Kendrick and Plaza to put a fresh energy into even the most obvious jokes.  Plaza in particular is very funny, especially when she occasionally lets down her guard and her wild side slips out.  The extended scene where she and Devine flirt back and forth contains more laughs than most recent comedies have in their entire runtime.  We also get a few cameos and guest stars who help keep the laughs moving at a steady clip.  I mean, you know you’re in the right place when Marc Maron is in the opening scene.  Kumail Nanjiani also has a memorable bit as a sensual massage therapist. 

Bottom Line:  Even though it’s cliché and predictable, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates has enough laughs to make you say “I do” to watching it.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE YARDS (2000) **

I taped this off The Movie Channel way back on July 18, 2017.  It was director James Gray’s follow-up to his indie drama Little Odessa and it was beset by many post-production problems at the hands of producer Harvey Weinstein (whose hands would later get him into a lot of trouble).  It was the first in an unofficial tetralogy of films Gray made back-to-back-to-back-to-back with star Joaquin Phoenix, the other three being We Own the Night, Two Lovers, and The Immigrant.  The only one of those I saw was We Own the Night, which was pretty good, so I was hopeful that this would follow suit.  I was wrong.

Mark Wahlberg stars as a young guy fresh out of prison looking to make some quick dough to support his ailing mother (Ellen Burstyn).  His uncle (James Caan) offers him a job at his train yards and tries to steer him away from the shady side of the business.  He does not try very hard.  Soon, Marky Mark is riding shotgun with his best friend (Phoenix) as he makes illegal payoffs to contractors, businessmen, and politicians.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long until someone gets killed and Marky Mark becomes the top prospect to take the fall. 

Despite an all-star cast that includes Charlize Theron (who has a nude scene), Faye Dunaway, and (the hell?) Steve Lawrence, The Yards is often thematically muddled and dramatically inert.  In fact, they don’t do a helluva lot to inject the story with much passion.  Wahlberg barely looks interested, Theron is completely wasted, and Phoenix’s performance lacks the spark you’d expect.  (Gray paired the duo much more successfully in We Own the Night.)  Only Burstyn rises above the material as Wahlberg’s long-suffering mother.

The early scenes of Wahlberg readjusting to society hold promise.  From there, The Yards quickly goes off the rails.  The film really starts to deflate once Wahlberg’s character goes on the lam for a crime he didn’t commit.  The last twenty minutes are especially sluggish as things go out on a whimper instead of a bang. 

Co-writer Matt Reeves later went on to direct Cloverfield. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE NINTH CONFIGURATION (1980) *

This was recorded off Turner Classics Movies on July 16, 2017 as part of their TCM Underground line-up.  They always played great and/or obscure stuff in the early hours under this banner.  Unfortunately, I think if I tried to watch this one at four in the morning I would’ve nodded right back to sleep.

Stacy Keach stars as a psychiatrist sent to run a military asylum housed in an old castle in the fog-shrouded Pacific Northwest.  He implements an open-door policy which allows the inmates to enter his office at all hours and spill their insane ramblings.  It doesn't take long to discover the new shrink might not be what he seems.

The Ninth Configuration was written and directed by William Peter Blatty who of course, wrote The Exorcist.  Just because you can write one of the most famous movies of all times doesn’t necessarily make you a candidate for the director’s chair.  In fact, it often feels like a kindred spirit to Blatty’s much-maligned The Exorcist 3, but without the supernatural trappings as both involve nuthouses and patients who run on at the mouth to no end.  (There is a tenuous link to The Exorcist, although it’s so inconsequential I don’t even know why I brought it up.)

Often times, The Ninth Configuration feels like a bad Altman movie as people run around babbling while others hang about the frame and do other bits of side business.  Or maybe it’s like a bad amateur-hour play where everyone gets to spout unending monologues about God-knows-what while the audience is forced to look on, bewildered.  In any case, it’s just plain bad. 

What’s worse is that it manages to waste a rather incredible cast, mostly because all they get to do is pace around frantically and scream over one another.  Scott Wilson is particularly annoying as an astronaut with a screw (and then some) loose.  Robert Loggia gets to yell and cuss like Robert Loggia, but that’s about it.  Blatty even found time to reunite with The Exorcist’s Jason Miller, but unfortunately, he’s rather grating too.  You know you’re in trouble when the always reliable Joe Spinnell is stuck with nothing to do.  You have to feel sorry for Keach as all he does is sit behind a desk and listen to these assholes rage on endlessly.  The only actor who manages a tiny spark is Neville Brand as the harried Major in charge of the facility. 

I guess it goes without saying what the “twist” is going to be.  Heck, even one of the inmates figures it out about halfway through, and he’s as crazy as a shithouse rat.  In fact, the only unpredictable part is near the end when the movie weirdly turns into a biker flick as Keach and Wilson square off against some scuzzy bikers (Steve Sandor and Richard Lynch).  This scene isn’t exactly good or anything, but at least it has a pulse, which is more than I can say for the rest of the picture.

In short, The Ninth Configuration isn’t even worth configuring once.

AKA:  Twinkle, Twinkle, Killer Kane.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: RASPUTIN: THE MAD MONK (1966) ***

 

I have had this on my DVR since June 2, 2017 when it aired on Turner Classic Movies.  It tells the tale of Rasputin (Christopher Lee), the drunken, psychotic sociopath who just so happens to be a priest.  After using his mystical healing powers to save an innkeeper’s wife, he trades on his “good” deed by running up a huge bar tab and trying to make time with their daughter.  When her fiancé tries to intervene, Rasputin cuts his hand off for meddling in his affairs.  Rasputin is eventually run out of the place and he heads to the capital where he sets his sights on infiltrating the czar’s inner circle through deceit, manipulation, and mesmerism.

Rasputin the Mad Monk was made by Hammer Studios and stars one of their most legendary actors.  Even though it is by and large a historical drama, it is more or less staged like their average horror offering, which is okay by me.  As a costume drama, it kind of falters whenever Lee isn’t on screen. 

Oh, but when Lee is on screen—LOOK OUT!  In a career of exciting, scary, and intense performances, this has to rank among his best.  He simply commands the screen, dominating all those around him and reducing them far into the background.  With his burning eyes, towering posture, and giant hands, Lee makes for an intimidating figure.  He is clearly relishing his over the top role and sometimes slips into near-Nicolas Cage levels of scenery chewing. 

The film’s first act is its strongest when we see Rasputin preying on the weak and unfortunate.  Once he worms his way into the czar’s court, it begins to lose a bit of its edge, if only because it was a lot more fun when Rasputin was acting like a goddamn wild man instead of trying to put on an air of respectability.  Things heat up for the finale though as director Don (The Curse of the Fly) Sharp is able to stick the landing with panache.  Sure, it may not technically be a horror movie, but there’s enough acid-throwing, poisoning, and (literal) backstabbing in the last ten minutes to live up to the Hammer brand.   

AKA:  Rasputin.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE FANTASTIC MAGIC BABY (1975) ** ½

This was the second part of a double feature of Shaw Brothers classics I DVR’d from El Rey.  It’s been sitting in the machine idle ever since June 1^st, 2017.  How can I neglect a movie called The Fantastic Magic Baby like that?

Directed by Chang (The Assassin) Cheh, The Fantastic Magic Baby is an adaptation of Journey into the West, a classic of Chinese literature.  Since it is deeply rooted in Chinese tradition, culture, and folklore, it’s all a little confusing for a decadent westerner like me.  Still, it’s colorful, weird, and short (only 61 minutes long), so it’s hard to completely dismiss.

The gods send their son Red Boy (Ting Wa-Chung) down to Earth to collect an offering from the humans.  When Red Boy is insulted, he kidnaps a ruler.  It is then up to his faithful companions Monkey King (Lau Chung-Chun) and his pal Pigsy (Chen I-Ho), a dude with a pig snout and long ears, to get the ruler back. 

The Fantastic Magic Baby is a weird fucking movie, which is okay, because I like weird fucking movies.  However, there are a couple of things that prevent it from really taking off and becoming a WTF classic.  First off, the so-called “Fantastic Magic Baby” is just an upstart teenager, so if you were expecting a Kung Fu Baby or something, you are going to be sorely disappointed.  That’s strike one.  Strike two is the fact that the fight scenes are more like something out of a Peking Opera dance routine than a Venom Mob movie.  In fact, many times, the film just stops cold for a little mini-dance number.

The good news is there isn’t a strike three.  Despite the rip-off of a title character and watered-down action, The Fantastic Magic Baby is almost weird enough to let all that slide.  Sometimes, it resembles a Chinese version of The Wizard of Oz, what with the walking Kung Fu trees, humans in shitty animal make-up, and impromptu dance numbers.  It even has a contrived ending that relies heavily on deus ex machina, just like The Wizard of Oz.  So, if you don’t go in expecting a typical martial arts movie and think of it as more of The Wizard of Kung Fu Oz, it will go down a lot smoother.  All this is wildly uneven to be sure, but you could certainly find worse ways to spend 61 minutes. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE ASSASSIN (1967) ** ½

Here’s another flick from the block of El Rey programming that’s been clogging up my DVR since June 1^st, 2017.  It was broadcast as part of “Morning Martial Arts” during a Chang Cheh double feature.  The other movie was the incredibly titled, The Fantastic Magic Baby, which I just can’t wait to get to. But first, let’s talk about The Assassin. 

The Assassin stars the great Jimmy Wang Yu (the same year he collaborated with Cheh for the iconic The One-Armed Swordsman) as a martial arts student who has a sweet romance with a peasant girl.  When an upper-class swordsman tries to put the moves on her, Jimmy defends her honor and is challenged to a duel.  At the duel, the asshole tries to give Jimmy a cheap shot and is disqualified.  He then gets his revenge by telling the government Jimmy’s teacher is a rebel spy, leading to his murder.  Even though Jimmy is a great swordfighter, he’s also something of a mama’s boy, and when his mother forbids him from exacting revenge, he opts to drop out of sight and become a lowly butcher.  Once his mother kicks the bucket however, Jimmy grabs his blade and sets out on a bloody path of vengeance.

The first act of The Assassin is a good sampler of what makes the work of Chang Cheh so great.  It’s filled with scenes of honor, chivalry, and of course, bloody swordfights.  Things sort of settle down once Wang Yu puts away his sword though.  I mean it’s one thing for Jimmy to sit around and twiddle his thumbs, but the movie kind of does the same thing too.  The romantic subplot that occurs midstream also helps to bog things down (although it does account for a quick glimpse of nudity).

The final reel is a real sizzler though, so that helps to overcome many of the film’s pacing problems.  It is here where Jimmy Wang Yu does all the things you’d want to see him do, namely, fly around on wires, reverse-motion jump onto high walls, and stab the shit out of hundreds of guys.  Even then, the movie manages to go on with five extra minutes of unnecessarily tying up loose plot threads that didn’t need to be tied up in the first place. 

Ultimately, The Assassin isn’t the definitive pairing between Yu and Cheh one would hope for.  Still, it’s worth checking out for action fans who enjoy old school Shaw Brothers martial arts movies.  It’s just a shame that there’s a huge chunk where fuck-all happens, which is the reason I can’t give it the full *** treatment.

AKA:  The Great Assassin.

THE EMPIRE OF DRACULA (1967) ***

After a long drag-out fight, Baron Draculstein (Eric del Castillo) is finally staked and crumbles to dust.  His familiar eventually revives the bloodthirsty Baron and he soon sets out putting the bite on more comely females.  It’s then up to our stock hero type to come along and put an end to Draculstein’s reign of terror. 

One of the things I love about these Mexican horror movies is that they have great names for their monsters.  In The Invasion of the Vampires, it was Count Frankenhausen.  Here, we get Baron Draculstein. 

The Empire of Dracula was directed by one of the greats of Mexican horror cinema, Federico Curiel, and it is a solid vampire potboiler.  The lap-dissolve transformation, decaying, and resurrection scenes look like something out of an old Universal movie, and Curiel takes a few visual cues from Tod Browning’s original Dracula as well.  The scenes involving a rogue carriage will remind you of Nosferatu too.    

The scene where Draculstein is resurrected is a bit kinkier than your typical vampire movie of the day.  The familiar suspends a busty woman above Drac’s coffin, jabs her in between the boobs, and lets the blood cascade down onto the Baron’s corpse.  It definitely feels like something that would be in a risqué Hammer film.

Like the other Mexican vampire movies I’ve been watching, The Empire of Dracula follows its own set of rules.  You know how most vampires can’t see their reflections in a mirror?  Well, the vampire babes in this one can actually walk through mirrors.  It’s a neat touch that is at the very least memorable. 

As with many of these things, the plot gets extremely bogged down whenever it’s just a bunch of people sitting around and talking.  This wasn’t helped by the fact that the version I saw didn’t have subtitles.  Although Curiel can’t always keep the film moving, he sure keeps the camera moving around a lot, which at least helps amp up the atmosphere a little.

He also piles on the action to compensate for the talky passages.  In addition to the lengthy fistfights and brawls that occur throughout the film, Curiel delivers one heck of a crackling sequence when Drac hops aboard a speeding coach and attacks the driver while the horses are plowing full steam ahead.  This sequence feels almost like something out of a western and is brimming with action, suspense, and great camerawork.  The hero also gets into a great swordfight with the Count, which culminates in the crossed swords creating a cross-shaped shadow, causing the bloodsucker to retreat.  Hey, when your Mexican vampire flick is packed with this much action, who needs subtitles?