TOM THUMB AND LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD (1964) ***

Here’s another Mexican kid’s movie that American distributor K. Gordon Murray redubbed and released on an unsuspecting juvenile audience.  I can’t imagine what went through the kids’ minds when they saw this back in the ‘60s.  It’s pretty much wall-to-wall nightmare fuel. 

The Wicked Stepmother rules over the storybook kingdom with an iron fist.  She puts The Big Bad Wolf and The Ogre (Jose Elias Moreno, the same actor who played Santa Claus in Santa Claus) on trial for not killing Little Red Riding Hood and Tom Thumb while monsters including Dracula and Frankenstein look on.  She then goes around terrorizing the good people of storybook land by poisoning the water supply, which turns the citizens into animals.  When Tom Thumb comes home to find his family has become mice and dogs, he joins forces with Little Red Riding Hood to bring the Wicked Stepmother down. 

The costumes are often creepy as hell.  The Big Bad Wolf looks ragged and unnatural, almost like a zombified stuffed animal that’s come to life.  They talk about the uncanny valley a lot.  This is more like an uncanny abyss.  (Also, his dubbed voice makes him sound like Jimmy Durante auditioning to play McGruff the Crime Dog.)  The Skunk Man named “Stinky” (who speaks in a Chipmunk voice) isn’t quite as bizarre, but he’s still a little sketchy (especially the scene where he lifts his tail and sprays right into a guy’s face).  The Wicked Stepmother is very faithful to the Disney version though. 

I think it’s funny that about halfway through the Good Fairy turns Tom Thumb into a regular-sized boy.  Not really because she’s doing a good deed, mind you.  It’s more like so there won’t be any more costly forced perspective special effects that will eat up the budget. 

The monsters include a robot that looks like it was borrowed from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, a werewolf, “Father Hurricane” (who looks like the Wind Demon from The Sword and the Dragon), a fire-breathing dragon, and, uh… a serial kidnapper?!?  When he is trapped by Little Red Riding Hood, the children he abducted climb out of a burlap bag, string him up, and beat him like a pinata.  Wow.  There’s also a scene where the Wicked Stepmother threatens to pluck Little Red Riding Hood’s eyes out with her fingernails.  The kids who saw this during its original release must’ve been shitting in their pants.

That is to say, as an adult, you’ll probably enjoy it as much I did.  It’s wildly uneven, but those heights are rather weird, surreal, and just plain WTF.  If anything could make me watch a kid’s movie from the ‘60s, it’s the fact that those wild and wonderful Mexican moviemakers I love so much were at the helm.  Sure, there’s a couple of really annoying songs, but not quite as many as your average Disney flick.

There’s also something to be said for the theme of the movie, which is to forgive your past tormentors for their misdeeds and join forces with them to overcome a greater evil.  Yes, folks.  This flick was doing the X-Men 2 thing before X-Men 2 was doing it.

In short, Tom Thumb and Little Red Riding Hood may not be for all tastes, but hey, if you ever wanted to see The Big Bad Wolf being waterboarded, here’s your chance. 

AKA:  Little Red Riding Hood and the Monsters.  AKA:  Little Red Riding Hood and Tom Thumb vs. the Monsters.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE SIMPSONS MOVIE (2007) **

This had been sitting in my DVR ever since July 22^nd, 2017.  It was taped as part of an HBO free preview that also included Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.  I’m not sure why I even bothered since I haven’t watched The Simpsons on a regular basis since the early ‘90s.  I was a big fan when it first came on.  I bought the cassette tape, said “Don’t have a cow” a lot, and wore the t-shirts (which were banned in school because they had the word “hell” on it).  

The appeal of The Simpsons when I was younger was that it was more adult that your average cartoon.  However, once Beavis and Butt-Head and South Park came along, it began to look a little lightweight in comparison, so I stopped watching.  (I was always a bigger fan of Matt Groening’s Life is Hell, anyway.) Aside from a handful of cinematic looking animation sequences, it just feels like an overlong episode than a full-length movie.  The plot (which involves a dome being placed over Springfield) doesn’t really feel like it’s big enough to sustain a theatrical movie either.  The various subplots likewise fall a little short.  The idea of Flanders becoming a father figure to Bart might’ve worked, but it feels like deleted scenes from an episode that were crammed in there to pad the running time.  The same could be said about the stuff with Lisa finding a boyfriend.

That’s not to say there aren’t a few laughs here.  I liked Homer’s reaction to the Itchy and Scratchy movie, and Bart’s nude skateboard ride allows them to get away with a shot that wouldn’t fly on network TV.  It’s just the laughs kind of dry up once the “A” plot takes hold.  Another disappointing thing is the fact that the usually great Albert Brooks is pretty much wasted as the villain.  While the casting is inspired, he isn’t given much to do.  I mean if you’re going to do a movie of one of the most popular TV shows of all time, you should probably go big or go home. 

I guess for Simpsons die-hards, none of the above will matter as they probably already saw this thirteen years ago.  I'm sure it hit all the notes they were expecting it to hit.  If it didn’t win back this fallen fan, it definitely won’t convert any new ones to the fold.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: MIKE AND DAVE NEED WEDDING DATES (2016) ***

Another HBO free preview and another slew of movies put into the DVR.  This group was from July 22^nd, 2017.  The first movie on this block of programming is the pleasant, engaging, and frequently funny Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. 

Mike (Adam Devine) and Dave (Zac Efron) are two man-children brothers who have a habit of getting wasted and ruining every family get-together.  With their sister’s Hawaiian wedding on the horizon, their father (Stephen Root) orders them to find nice and respectable dates for the occasion.  Enter two sketchy, down-and-out friends named Alice (Anna Kendrick) and Tatiana (Aubrey Plaza) who pass themselves off as nice girls in exchange for a free trip to Hawaii, but in reality, they are just as wild and out of control as Mike and Dave. 

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates has a one-note sitcom premise.  You might even find yourself experiencing a little bit of Wedding Crashers déjà vu.  (Heck, the characters reference the movie at one point.)  All that doesn’t really matter though if the performances are entertaining and the laughs are there, which they are.

It’s pretty much a far-gone conclusion how all of this is going to play out.  Even if the set-ups (and often times, the punchlines) are predictable, there is enough genuine chemistry between Efron and Devine and Kendrick and Plaza to put a fresh energy into even the most obvious jokes.  Plaza in particular is very funny, especially when she occasionally lets down her guard and her wild side slips out.  The extended scene where she and Devine flirt back and forth contains more laughs than most recent comedies have in their entire runtime.  We also get a few cameos and guest stars who help keep the laughs moving at a steady clip.  I mean, you know you’re in the right place when Marc Maron is in the opening scene.  Kumail Nanjiani also has a memorable bit as a sensual massage therapist. 

Bottom Line:  Even though it’s cliché and predictable, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates has enough laughs to make you say “I do” to watching it.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE YARDS (2000) **

I taped this off The Movie Channel way back on July 18, 2017.  It was director James Gray’s follow-up to his indie drama Little Odessa and it was beset by many post-production problems at the hands of producer Harvey Weinstein (whose hands would later get him into a lot of trouble).  It was the first in an unofficial tetralogy of films Gray made back-to-back-to-back-to-back with star Joaquin Phoenix, the other three being We Own the Night, Two Lovers, and The Immigrant.  The only one of those I saw was We Own the Night, which was pretty good, so I was hopeful that this would follow suit.  I was wrong.

Mark Wahlberg stars as a young guy fresh out of prison looking to make some quick dough to support his ailing mother (Ellen Burstyn).  His uncle (James Caan) offers him a job at his train yards and tries to steer him away from the shady side of the business.  He does not try very hard.  Soon, Marky Mark is riding shotgun with his best friend (Phoenix) as he makes illegal payoffs to contractors, businessmen, and politicians.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long until someone gets killed and Marky Mark becomes the top prospect to take the fall. 

Despite an all-star cast that includes Charlize Theron (who has a nude scene), Faye Dunaway, and (the hell?) Steve Lawrence, The Yards is often thematically muddled and dramatically inert.  In fact, they don’t do a helluva lot to inject the story with much passion.  Wahlberg barely looks interested, Theron is completely wasted, and Phoenix’s performance lacks the spark you’d expect.  (Gray paired the duo much more successfully in We Own the Night.)  Only Burstyn rises above the material as Wahlberg’s long-suffering mother.

The early scenes of Wahlberg readjusting to society hold promise.  From there, The Yards quickly goes off the rails.  The film really starts to deflate once Wahlberg’s character goes on the lam for a crime he didn’t commit.  The last twenty minutes are especially sluggish as things go out on a whimper instead of a bang. 

Co-writer Matt Reeves later went on to direct Cloverfield. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE NINTH CONFIGURATION (1980) *

This was recorded off Turner Classics Movies on July 16, 2017 as part of their TCM Underground line-up.  They always played great and/or obscure stuff in the early hours under this banner.  Unfortunately, I think if I tried to watch this one at four in the morning I would’ve nodded right back to sleep.

Stacy Keach stars as a psychiatrist sent to run a military asylum housed in an old castle in the fog-shrouded Pacific Northwest.  He implements an open-door policy which allows the inmates to enter his office at all hours and spill their insane ramblings.  It doesn't take long to discover the new shrink might not be what he seems.

The Ninth Configuration was written and directed by William Peter Blatty who of course, wrote The Exorcist.  Just because you can write one of the most famous movies of all times doesn’t necessarily make you a candidate for the director’s chair.  In fact, it often feels like a kindred spirit to Blatty’s much-maligned The Exorcist 3, but without the supernatural trappings as both involve nuthouses and patients who run on at the mouth to no end.  (There is a tenuous link to The Exorcist, although it’s so inconsequential I don’t even know why I brought it up.)

Often times, The Ninth Configuration feels like a bad Altman movie as people run around babbling while others hang about the frame and do other bits of side business.  Or maybe it’s like a bad amateur-hour play where everyone gets to spout unending monologues about God-knows-what while the audience is forced to look on, bewildered.  In any case, it’s just plain bad. 

What’s worse is that it manages to waste a rather incredible cast, mostly because all they get to do is pace around frantically and scream over one another.  Scott Wilson is particularly annoying as an astronaut with a screw (and then some) loose.  Robert Loggia gets to yell and cuss like Robert Loggia, but that’s about it.  Blatty even found time to reunite with The Exorcist’s Jason Miller, but unfortunately, he’s rather grating too.  You know you’re in trouble when the always reliable Joe Spinnell is stuck with nothing to do.  You have to feel sorry for Keach as all he does is sit behind a desk and listen to these assholes rage on endlessly.  The only actor who manages a tiny spark is Neville Brand as the harried Major in charge of the facility. 

I guess it goes without saying what the “twist” is going to be.  Heck, even one of the inmates figures it out about halfway through, and he’s as crazy as a shithouse rat.  In fact, the only unpredictable part is near the end when the movie weirdly turns into a biker flick as Keach and Wilson square off against some scuzzy bikers (Steve Sandor and Richard Lynch).  This scene isn’t exactly good or anything, but at least it has a pulse, which is more than I can say for the rest of the picture.

In short, The Ninth Configuration isn’t even worth configuring once.

AKA:  Twinkle, Twinkle, Killer Kane.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: RASPUTIN: THE MAD MONK (1966) ***

 

I have had this on my DVR since June 2, 2017 when it aired on Turner Classic Movies.  It tells the tale of Rasputin (Christopher Lee), the drunken, psychotic sociopath who just so happens to be a priest.  After using his mystical healing powers to save an innkeeper’s wife, he trades on his “good” deed by running up a huge bar tab and trying to make time with their daughter.  When her fiancé tries to intervene, Rasputin cuts his hand off for meddling in his affairs.  Rasputin is eventually run out of the place and he heads to the capital where he sets his sights on infiltrating the czar’s inner circle through deceit, manipulation, and mesmerism.

Rasputin the Mad Monk was made by Hammer Studios and stars one of their most legendary actors.  Even though it is by and large a historical drama, it is more or less staged like their average horror offering, which is okay by me.  As a costume drama, it kind of falters whenever Lee isn’t on screen. 

Oh, but when Lee is on screen—LOOK OUT!  In a career of exciting, scary, and intense performances, this has to rank among his best.  He simply commands the screen, dominating all those around him and reducing them far into the background.  With his burning eyes, towering posture, and giant hands, Lee makes for an intimidating figure.  He is clearly relishing his over the top role and sometimes slips into near-Nicolas Cage levels of scenery chewing. 

The film’s first act is its strongest when we see Rasputin preying on the weak and unfortunate.  Once he worms his way into the czar’s court, it begins to lose a bit of its edge, if only because it was a lot more fun when Rasputin was acting like a goddamn wild man instead of trying to put on an air of respectability.  Things heat up for the finale though as director Don (The Curse of the Fly) Sharp is able to stick the landing with panache.  Sure, it may not technically be a horror movie, but there’s enough acid-throwing, poisoning, and (literal) backstabbing in the last ten minutes to live up to the Hammer brand.   

AKA:  Rasputin.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE FANTASTIC MAGIC BABY (1975) ** ½

This was the second part of a double feature of Shaw Brothers classics I DVR’d from El Rey.  It’s been sitting in the machine idle ever since June 1^st, 2017.  How can I neglect a movie called The Fantastic Magic Baby like that?

Directed by Chang (The Assassin) Cheh, The Fantastic Magic Baby is an adaptation of Journey into the West, a classic of Chinese literature.  Since it is deeply rooted in Chinese tradition, culture, and folklore, it’s all a little confusing for a decadent westerner like me.  Still, it’s colorful, weird, and short (only 61 minutes long), so it’s hard to completely dismiss.

The gods send their son Red Boy (Ting Wa-Chung) down to Earth to collect an offering from the humans.  When Red Boy is insulted, he kidnaps a ruler.  It is then up to his faithful companions Monkey King (Lau Chung-Chun) and his pal Pigsy (Chen I-Ho), a dude with a pig snout and long ears, to get the ruler back. 

The Fantastic Magic Baby is a weird fucking movie, which is okay, because I like weird fucking movies.  However, there are a couple of things that prevent it from really taking off and becoming a WTF classic.  First off, the so-called “Fantastic Magic Baby” is just an upstart teenager, so if you were expecting a Kung Fu Baby or something, you are going to be sorely disappointed.  That’s strike one.  Strike two is the fact that the fight scenes are more like something out of a Peking Opera dance routine than a Venom Mob movie.  In fact, many times, the film just stops cold for a little mini-dance number.

The good news is there isn’t a strike three.  Despite the rip-off of a title character and watered-down action, The Fantastic Magic Baby is almost weird enough to let all that slide.  Sometimes, it resembles a Chinese version of The Wizard of Oz, what with the walking Kung Fu trees, humans in shitty animal make-up, and impromptu dance numbers.  It even has a contrived ending that relies heavily on deus ex machina, just like The Wizard of Oz.  So, if you don’t go in expecting a typical martial arts movie and think of it as more of The Wizard of Kung Fu Oz, it will go down a lot smoother.  All this is wildly uneven to be sure, but you could certainly find worse ways to spend 61 minutes.