SHAOLIN VS. EVIL DEAD: ULTIMATE POWER (2006) **

I reviewed Shaolin vs. Evil Dead as part of last year’s Halloween Hangover.  That film wasn’t great, but at least it had a bunch of zombies, a kid shitting out a baby, and a decent set-up for a sequel.  You would think the filmmakers would’ve been wise enough to follow-up on that cliffhanger ending and pick up right where the last one started.  Instead, they gave us a prequel to act as an origin story to show us how the bad guy in the first movie became so evil. 

It all starts with a longwinded sequence about a scar-faced female warlord poisoning a husband/wife team of Kung Fu fighters.  Phoenix (Marsha Yuen) dies in childbirth and her husband Dragon (Fan Siu-Wong) survives thanks to an antidote delivered by a young Shaolin monk named Roam Chow.  The boy then stays with Dragon and helps raise his son, Ingenious.  Unfortunately, Ingenious grows to be a cruel man and his father appoints Roam Chow to be the new leader of the clan.  Ingenious is outraged for being passed over, kills his father, and sets out to unite two mystical swords that will give him the ultimate power. 

Shaolin vs. Evil Dead:  Ultimate Power has its moments, but you have to sit through an awful lot of exposition to get to them.  I know this is supposed to be an origin story, but it just feels like a series of unending prologues than a real narrative.  (There’s even an animated fable for Christ’s sakes.)  Ultimately, there’s just way too much plot and not enough action. 

It also takes an exorbitant amount of time for the horror elements to fall into place.  You have to wait until the last twenty minutes before the army of hopping vampires show up.  At least there’s a lot of them, which leads to an OK finale.

It’s in the final act where Gordon Liu shows up to connect the two movies as the full-grown Roam Chow.  The battle between him and his twisted brother isn’t bad.  Using some Shaolin magic, they are transported into a forcefield where they do battle using all the elements, which leads to scenes of them fighting rock monsters, fire dragons, and a giant wooden stake.  I just wish the ending didn’t rely so heavily on lame deus ex machina.

Really, it’s a not-terrible Kung Fu flick.  The swordplay shenanigans and the wirework wizardry aren’t half-bad.  It’s just that if I had known the horror stuff was so lightweight, I wouldn’t bothered to watch it this month.  I mean, how can you even call this a Shaolin vs. Evil Dead movie if it doesn’t feature a kid shitting out a baby?  (In all fairness, we do get a childbirth scene, albeit an all-too traditional one.)

AKA:  Shaolin vs. Evil Dead 2.  AKA:  Shaolin vs. Evil Dead 2:  Ultimate Power.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: OFFERINGS (1989) **

(Streamed via Midnight Pulp)

A creepy mute kid is dared by bullies to walk around the edge of a well.  One of the kids pushes him in, and as a result, he winds up spending the next ten years in a catatonic state at a mental institution.  Naturally, he wakes up, returns to his hometown, and begins killing off the people who wronged him when he was a child. 

Offerings is yet another low budget Halloween clone.  It’s probably one of the most unabashed ones I’ve seen.  It’s not terrible, just formulaic.  It probably works better as a time capsule than a horror movie because of the bad fashions and even worse hair. 

It’s very much following a blueprint, but it’s one that works.  Like Halloween, many of the kills are bloodless or occur offscreen.  Even the back-from-the-dead scene where the killer rises up is the same.  The music is a blatant rip-off of John Carpenter’s score too.  We also get a death by hypodermic needle scene that’s reminiscent of Halloween 2.  One slight change is that the killer doesn’t eat a dog when he returns home, but a duck.

In fact, the movie is at its best when it’s doing its own thing.  I liked the scene where the killer ties up a guy in a work shed and tries to use a chainsaw on him, but it runs out of gas.  Then he tries a power drill, but it’s too low on charge.  Finally, he settles on twisting the vice till the guy’s head is crushed.  There’s also a novel bit where he kills a pizza delivery boy and substitutes the sausage topping with human flesh.  If the film really wanted to be successful, it should’ve added more of these little macabre touches.  As it stands, that’s about the best thing Offerings has to offer.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: BUS PARTY TO HELL (2017) *** ½

(Streamed via Vudu)

Bus Party to Hell tells the… wait… shouldn’t it be Party Bus to Hell?  I mean, I guess you can technically call it a “bus party” if you are having a party on a bus, but I’ve never once heard it referred to as such.  Heck, even the theme song that plays over the opening credits is called “Party Bus to Hell”.  In fact, the band even sings the words, “Party Bus to Hell” just as the title, “Bus Party to Hell” appears on screen.  Weird.  (As it turns out, it looks like the original title WAS Party Bus to Hell, but someone got the bright idea to change it to Bus Party to Hell.  What the fuck, Hollywood?)

Anyway, Bus Party to Hell tells the story of a bunch of partygoers who hop on a party bus in Vegas and head out into the desert on their way to Burning Man.  Naturally, they wind up stranded in the desert, and before long, their bus is attacked by a gaggle of desert-dwelling, Mad Max wannabe cult members who want to use the partygoers as human sacrifices.  It’s then up to our heroes to use whatever they have at their disposal to fight off the crazed cultists and survive the night.    

You know this is going to be a good movie because when Jillian Newton gets on the party bus it only takes her about a minute to become so drunk that she misplaces her top.  Because Jillian is a trooper, she keeps on partying.  In the next scene, we see a photographer (producer J. Spencer) in the desert who instructs his model (Devanny Pinn) to remove her top.  When she asks if he thinks that’s a little gratuitous, he replies, “There’s no such thing as gratuitous nudity.  That’s just in your mind.”

If you can’t already tell from the scads of nudity, this was directed by Rolfe Kanefsky, a veteran of such Skinamax movies as Sex Files:  Alien Erotica, The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man, and Emmanuelle Through Time:  Emmanuelle’s Supernatural Sexual Activity.  If anything, Bus Party to Hell is proof he’s still going strong.  He also delivers on the horror-comedy elements as well as the film is frequently funny and often borderline hilarious.  I especially liked the scene where a cult member motorboated with a guy’s decapitated head, leaving his friend to muse, “He’s in a better place now.”  We also get a rather disgusting scene in which the cultists pin down a woman, force her mouth open, jam a snake down her throat, and then cut open her stomach and set the snake free.  That’s what I call some serious deep throat action.  The she-demon costume is also great.

Sure, this party bus may run out of gas near the end, but more often than not, it’s a funny, gory, and surprising ride.  Some of the sick humor is truly inspired.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene where a virgin is deflowered that is intercut with an impromptu dissection.  I also enjoyed the set-up for a sequel that is teased at the end.  I for one hope this is one Bus Party that continues to party on!

AKA:  Party Bus to Hell.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE AWAKENING (1980) **

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on September 17, 2017)

Charlton Heston stars as an archeologist who neglects his very pregnant wife (Jill Townsend) for his work.  He ditches the soon-to-be mommy for a long-dead mummy and while he’s raiding the tomb, her womb goes boom, and her baby is doomed.  However, there’s no need for gloom because when Chuck opens the tomb, the kid comes back to life in the delivery room.  Eighteen years later, the kid grows up to be Stephanie (Remington Steele) Zimbalist, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or an Egyptologist) to figure out she’s the reincarnation of the mummy.  

The Awakening was directed by Mike Newell, who went on to direct Four Weddings and a Funeral.  I won’t hold that against him though because there are a lot more than just one funeral in this movie.  People are killed a la The Omen via snapped cables, impromptu traffic accidents, booby traps, and falling glass, just to name a few 

Based on a novel by Bram Stoker, The Awakening can be slow going at times.  However, those murder set pieces aren’t too shabby and help to keep it from being a total slog.  Those hoping for an honest to goodness mummy movie will probably be severely disappointed as the traditional bandaged mummy shenanigans are practically nonexistent.  It’s closer to The Omen than anything.  In addition to the aforementioned death scenes, it basically has the same theme:  Dealing with the possibility your child might be evil incarnate. Too bad the complete non-ending threatens to ruin the entire enterprise.

Some fun can be had from seeing the laughable wig and glasses Chuck wears for 2/3 of the picture to show he’s aged eighteen years though.  It was also neat to see a pre-Emperor Ian McDiarmid turning up as a shrink.  The cinematography by the great Jack Cardiff is solid too. 

So, overall, it’s uneven as hell, but there are enough bright points to make sure you won’t fall asleep on The Awakening. 

AKA:  The Wakening.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: BLOODSUCKING PHARAOHS IN PITTSBURGH (1991) *

(Streamed via The Film Detective)

A deranged killer is running around Pittsburgh murdering women and robbing them of their vital organs.  Birdwell (Jake Dengel) and Blocker (Joe Sharkey) are the cops on the case, and they haven’t been doing a very good job seeing how the murderer is up to victim number nineteen.  Blocker then reaches out to the daughter of his former partner (Susann Fletcher) to help catch the killer. 

Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh is basically another rehash of Blood Feast.  As with the OTHER Blood Feast-inspired retread, Blood Diner, the emphasis is more on comedy than gore.  At least Blood Diner had a goofy charm and sense of fun about it.  This one just comes off like a fourth-rate Airplane! rip-off.  Many of the gags are obvious (like the fake suspense music), tasteless (all the scenes with Birdwell’s wife), or just plain lame (Blocker is a homicide detective that… wait for it… can’t stand the sight of blood).  There’s also a scene involving a plane crashing into a building that probably hasn’t aged too well.

Even the special effects by the legendary Tom Savini are subpar.  I’m sure that had more to do with the film’s low budget than Savani’s considerable make-up prowess.  While many of the victims are dispatched in over the top fashion, the results are more cartoonish than out and out gory.  (There’s an OK face-ripping scene, but it’s indifferently staged.)  I can only chalk up his participation to the fact it was filmed in his hometown of Pittsburgh.  Or maybe he just needed to pay the rent. 

The big problem is that it’s painfully unfunny.  The cast just don’t have the comedic chops necessary to carry the non-horror scenes.  The detectives don’t have any chemistry together and have even less comic timing.  The only recognizable name in the cast is porn star Veronica Hart, who plays a clumsy waitress.  Her antics fail to garner any laughs either, but at least whenever she’s on screen, the film fitfully comes to life.  Then again, what can you say about a movie that takes a potentially intriguing concept as a trio of sexy (Egyptian?) Ninjas and still manages to screw it up.

AKA:  Picking Up the Pieces.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: BEYOND THE BLACK RAINBOW (2012) *** ½

(Streamed via Xumo)

Elena (Eva Allen) is a patient at the mysterious Arboria Institute.  There, her creepy quack (Michael Rogers) keeps her under close surveillance.  Mostly for his own amusement (I guess), he lets her out of her cell so she can discover her surroundings. 

Beyond the Black Rainbow was written and directed by Panos (Mandy) Cosmatos, the son of Cobra director George P. Cosmatos.  He exhibits heavy influences from Kubrick, Carpenter, Cronenberg, and Lynch, but is still able to make the mosaic feel weirdly original at the same time.  While I am sure some viewers are bound to find it to be a marathon test of their patience, if you can get in tune with its bizarre wavelength, you should find yourself enjoying it as much as I did. 

Remember a while back when I watched Ad Astra and it almost left me in a trance?  This one just about did the same thing.  From the warm, vibrant colors to the droning soundtrack, to the sparse monotone voices, Beyond the Black Rainbow lulls you in.  Then… WHAM!  It brings on a trippy black and white flashback that’s as weird as anything in Begotten. 

Cosmatos gets a lot of mileage out of the lead performance by Rogers.  Looking like a wax figure of Christian Bale that’s miraculously come to life, he emits a creepy vibe that works hand in hand with the world Cosmatos has created.  (I especially liked the faux-vintage film strip for the Institute.)  When Rogers goes nuts in the final act, he doubles-down on the oddball touches and really gets under your skin.

Beyond the Black Rainbow isn’t all sunshine and roses though.  Did it really need to be close to two hours?  Probably not.  Is the ending anticlimactic and more than a bit lame?  (The two random metalhead characters notwithstanding.)  Kinda.  Till then though, it’s a wild ride that any lover of offbeat cinema will surely enjoy taking.  

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: KILLER MERMAID (2014) * ½

(Streamed via Crackle)

Kelly (Kristina Klebe, from Rob Zombie’s Halloween) and Lucy (Natalie Burn) go to Montenegro to hang out with an old college friend (Slobodan Stefanovic) and his bride to-be (Sofija Rajovic), leading to a lot of sunbathing, swimming, and infidelity.  They hear about an old abandoned military base on a remote island and decide it’s the perfect spot for a vacation getaway.  What they don’t tell you in the brochure is the place used to be home to Nazi experiments.  Once there, the gang are menaced by a deranged killer (Miodrag Krstovic) who stalks the grounds and acts as caretaker to a bloodthirsty siren of the sea (Zorana Kostic Obradovic). 

Basically, it’s Splash Meets Piranha with a bit of The Grim Reaper thrown in there. 

Killer Mermaid kicks off with a solid opening that immediately grabs your attention.  After the main title comes up, it promptly releases your attention, leaving you to flounder for the next ninety minutes.  Then you have to put up with a lot of long scenes of our heroines lollygagging around.  Once they finally shove off and make their way to the island, the pace moves even slower, if you can believe it.  From there, we get a lot of scenes of the girls walking down dark hallways, shining flashlights about, and saying stuff like, “Guys… where are you… this isn’t funny anymore”.  On top of that, you have to deal with the subplot about the killer caretaker plunging an oversized fishhook into people’s necks, which eats up a lot of screen time.

If you can’t already tell, it takes a long time for the Killer Mermaid to do her thing.  Once she finally does, it really isn’t worth the wait as the climax is sorry, soggy, and unsatisfying.  The long, drawn-out set-up for a sequel is particularly unnecessary.  It’s a shame too because the scenes of her luring the awestruck men to their impending doom had potential.    

At least we have Franco Fuckin’ Nero turning up as a menacing looking sailor who warns the friends, “That island is drenched in blood!”  He also gets a USS Indianapolis-type monologue about losing his men on an ill-fated voyage.  Eventually, he gets quite a bit of screen time near the very end, but even then, his talents are wasted in this stinky fish tale.

AKA:  Killer Mermaids.  AKA:  Nymph.  AKA:  Mamula.