SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: RATS (2003) * ½

(Streamed via Popcornflix)

Rats is a low budget When Animals Attack flick produced by the folks at Nu Image.  It was directed by Tibor Takacs, who made one of the greatest SyFy Channel movies ever made, Mansquito.  Unfortunately, Rats is no Mansquito.  Then again, what could be?

Ron Perlman is the only name in the cast, but with a name like Ron Perlman one name is all you need.  He plays the head of the Brookdale Institute for the Criminally Insane.  Sara Downing is the new inmate who comes to the institute because of her drug addiction and suicidal tendencies.  Before long, she starts seeing rats everywhere, but naturally, nobody believes her.  No one even notices when the rats start devouring patients left and right because one of the screwy inmates (who has a psychic link with the beasties) covers up their crimes. 

Written by the team of Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch (who also wrote the Toolbox Murders remake), Rats is a weird hybrid of mental institution movie and killer rat flick.  With all the scenes of patients hanging out in the day room, attending group therapy, and being scolded by nurses, it feels like One Flew Over the Rat’s Nest.  Or maybe Girl, Interrupted by Rats.  Or A Nightmare on Rat Street 3:  Rat Warriors.  Whatever the title should be, the truth is, the two elements never really gel together.

The nuthouse scenes are particularly slow moving, which only leaves us the rat attack sequences.  They are frankly hit and miss.  There gore quotient is low, the red-tinted Rat POV is annoying, and many of the scenes are ruined by the crummy CGI rats.  The most inspired bit is the odd scene involving two exterminators who are all decked out with equipment that would made the Ghostbusters envious.  Using infrared goggles, they locate scurrying rats and use large taser guns to make them explode.  Too bad they get turned into Rat Chow before the scene ever has a chance to gain momentum.

AKA:  Killer Rats.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: BOOKS OF BLOOD (2020) *

(Streamed via Hulu)

Books of Blood is based on a trio of Clive Barker stories.  It was directed by Brannon Braga, a longtime writer and producer on various Star Trek movies and TV shows.  He should stick to that Vulcan shit because this is one book worth burning.    

The first book is about “Jenna” (*).  She’s a surly, angsty, anxiety-ridden teenager.  Something Bad Happened at School and she won’t talk about it, so her parents sent her to the Funny Farm.  Once she's back home, she goes off her meds, flips her shit, and runs away.  She stays at a boardinghouse ran by a seemingly nice couple, but eventually Jenna realizes she was better off in the nuthouse.

This story is by far the longest in the group (nearly an hour) and it is chockfull of annoying red herrings, failed set-ups, and missed opportunities.  There’s a lot made of Jenna’s fear of chewing, but nothing is ever done with it.  There’s also a lot of business with her wearing noise-cancelling headphones because of her phobia, and yet it’s almost instantly forgotten when the story goes into the homestretch.  Instead, it zigs when it should’ve zagged, and it hobbles along to a frustrating and maddeningly unsatisfying conclusion.  It also doesn’t help that the character herself is extremely annoying.

The second story is “Miles” (**).  A professor (Anna Friel) is grieving over the death of her young son, Miles when a man (Rafi Gavron) drops in on her claiming to have contact with her son.  Thinking he’s a charlatan, she sets to make an example of him, only to learn his gift is all too real. 

This tale is not very good, but it is a major step up from the first installment.  The twist is painfully predictable, and the performances are quite bland.  However, it moves along at a steady clip and at least has enough blood in it to justify the title (unlike Jenna).

The final story is “Bennett” (*).  Two hitmen murder a target (seen during the pre-title sequence of the movie) and take off in search of a valuable book.  Their quest leads them to a bad part of town, and by that, I mean it’s fucking haunted.  It doesn’t take them long to realize the book isn’t quite the antique they were expecting.

This segment tries to connect the stories a la Pulp Fiction.  (It even stars a pair of pop culture-referencing hitmen.)  Unlike Jenna, this story feels like it’s on fast-forward.  I actually thought I accidentally skipped a part, but no, it’s just really fucking choppy.  To make matters worse, just when you think it’s over, it cuts back for ten more excruciating minutes of Jenna’s story.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to do right by Clive Barker when it comes to adaptations of his work.  After he directed Hellraiser himself, it’s been all downhill.  In fact, this one is even worse than some of those DTV Hellraiser sequels, if you can fucking believe it.  

SHAOLIN VS. EVIL DEAD: ULTIMATE POWER (2006) **

I reviewed Shaolin vs. Evil Dead as part of last year’s Halloween Hangover.  That film wasn’t great, but at least it had a bunch of zombies, a kid shitting out a baby, and a decent set-up for a sequel.  You would think the filmmakers would’ve been wise enough to follow-up on that cliffhanger ending and pick up right where the last one started.  Instead, they gave us a prequel to act as an origin story to show us how the bad guy in the first movie became so evil. 

It all starts with a longwinded sequence about a scar-faced female warlord poisoning a husband/wife team of Kung Fu fighters.  Phoenix (Marsha Yuen) dies in childbirth and her husband Dragon (Fan Siu-Wong) survives thanks to an antidote delivered by a young Shaolin monk named Roam Chow.  The boy then stays with Dragon and helps raise his son, Ingenious.  Unfortunately, Ingenious grows to be a cruel man and his father appoints Roam Chow to be the new leader of the clan.  Ingenious is outraged for being passed over, kills his father, and sets out to unite two mystical swords that will give him the ultimate power. 

Shaolin vs. Evil Dead:  Ultimate Power has its moments, but you have to sit through an awful lot of exposition to get to them.  I know this is supposed to be an origin story, but it just feels like a series of unending prologues than a real narrative.  (There’s even an animated fable for Christ’s sakes.)  Ultimately, there’s just way too much plot and not enough action. 

It also takes an exorbitant amount of time for the horror elements to fall into place.  You have to wait until the last twenty minutes before the army of hopping vampires show up.  At least there’s a lot of them, which leads to an OK finale.

It’s in the final act where Gordon Liu shows up to connect the two movies as the full-grown Roam Chow.  The battle between him and his twisted brother isn’t bad.  Using some Shaolin magic, they are transported into a forcefield where they do battle using all the elements, which leads to scenes of them fighting rock monsters, fire dragons, and a giant wooden stake.  I just wish the ending didn’t rely so heavily on lame deus ex machina.

Really, it’s a not-terrible Kung Fu flick.  The swordplay shenanigans and the wirework wizardry aren’t half-bad.  It’s just that if I had known the horror stuff was so lightweight, I wouldn’t bothered to watch it this month.  I mean, how can you even call this a Shaolin vs. Evil Dead movie if it doesn’t feature a kid shitting out a baby?  (In all fairness, we do get a childbirth scene, albeit an all-too traditional one.)

AKA:  Shaolin vs. Evil Dead 2.  AKA:  Shaolin vs. Evil Dead 2:  Ultimate Power.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: OFFERINGS (1989) **

(Streamed via Midnight Pulp)

A creepy mute kid is dared by bullies to walk around the edge of a well.  One of the kids pushes him in, and as a result, he winds up spending the next ten years in a catatonic state at a mental institution.  Naturally, he wakes up, returns to his hometown, and begins killing off the people who wronged him when he was a child. 

Offerings is yet another low budget Halloween clone.  It’s probably one of the most unabashed ones I’ve seen.  It’s not terrible, just formulaic.  It probably works better as a time capsule than a horror movie because of the bad fashions and even worse hair. 

It’s very much following a blueprint, but it’s one that works.  Like Halloween, many of the kills are bloodless or occur offscreen.  Even the back-from-the-dead scene where the killer rises up is the same.  The music is a blatant rip-off of John Carpenter’s score too.  We also get a death by hypodermic needle scene that’s reminiscent of Halloween 2.  One slight change is that the killer doesn’t eat a dog when he returns home, but a duck.

In fact, the movie is at its best when it’s doing its own thing.  I liked the scene where the killer ties up a guy in a work shed and tries to use a chainsaw on him, but it runs out of gas.  Then he tries a power drill, but it’s too low on charge.  Finally, he settles on twisting the vice till the guy’s head is crushed.  There’s also a novel bit where he kills a pizza delivery boy and substitutes the sausage topping with human flesh.  If the film really wanted to be successful, it should’ve added more of these little macabre touches.  As it stands, that’s about the best thing Offerings has to offer.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: BUS PARTY TO HELL (2017) *** ½

(Streamed via Vudu)

Bus Party to Hell tells the… wait… shouldn’t it be Party Bus to Hell?  I mean, I guess you can technically call it a “bus party” if you are having a party on a bus, but I’ve never once heard it referred to as such.  Heck, even the theme song that plays over the opening credits is called “Party Bus to Hell”.  In fact, the band even sings the words, “Party Bus to Hell” just as the title, “Bus Party to Hell” appears on screen.  Weird.  (As it turns out, it looks like the original title WAS Party Bus to Hell, but someone got the bright idea to change it to Bus Party to Hell.  What the fuck, Hollywood?)

Anyway, Bus Party to Hell tells the story of a bunch of partygoers who hop on a party bus in Vegas and head out into the desert on their way to Burning Man.  Naturally, they wind up stranded in the desert, and before long, their bus is attacked by a gaggle of desert-dwelling, Mad Max wannabe cult members who want to use the partygoers as human sacrifices.  It’s then up to our heroes to use whatever they have at their disposal to fight off the crazed cultists and survive the night.    

You know this is going to be a good movie because when Jillian Newton gets on the party bus it only takes her about a minute to become so drunk that she misplaces her top.  Because Jillian is a trooper, she keeps on partying.  In the next scene, we see a photographer (producer J. Spencer) in the desert who instructs his model (Devanny Pinn) to remove her top.  When she asks if he thinks that’s a little gratuitous, he replies, “There’s no such thing as gratuitous nudity.  That’s just in your mind.”

If you can’t already tell from the scads of nudity, this was directed by Rolfe Kanefsky, a veteran of such Skinamax movies as Sex Files:  Alien Erotica, The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man, and Emmanuelle Through Time:  Emmanuelle’s Supernatural Sexual Activity.  If anything, Bus Party to Hell is proof he’s still going strong.  He also delivers on the horror-comedy elements as well as the film is frequently funny and often borderline hilarious.  I especially liked the scene where a cult member motorboated with a guy’s decapitated head, leaving his friend to muse, “He’s in a better place now.”  We also get a rather disgusting scene in which the cultists pin down a woman, force her mouth open, jam a snake down her throat, and then cut open her stomach and set the snake free.  That’s what I call some serious deep throat action.  The she-demon costume is also great.

Sure, this party bus may run out of gas near the end, but more often than not, it’s a funny, gory, and surprising ride.  Some of the sick humor is truly inspired.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene where a virgin is deflowered that is intercut with an impromptu dissection.  I also enjoyed the set-up for a sequel that is teased at the end.  I for one hope this is one Bus Party that continues to party on!

AKA:  Party Bus to Hell.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE AWAKENING (1980) **

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on September 17, 2017)

Charlton Heston stars as an archeologist who neglects his very pregnant wife (Jill Townsend) for his work.  He ditches the soon-to-be mommy for a long-dead mummy and while he’s raiding the tomb, her womb goes boom, and her baby is doomed.  However, there’s no need for gloom because when Chuck opens the tomb, the kid comes back to life in the delivery room.  Eighteen years later, the kid grows up to be Stephanie (Remington Steele) Zimbalist, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or an Egyptologist) to figure out she’s the reincarnation of the mummy.  

The Awakening was directed by Mike Newell, who went on to direct Four Weddings and a Funeral.  I won’t hold that against him though because there are a lot more than just one funeral in this movie.  People are killed a la The Omen via snapped cables, impromptu traffic accidents, booby traps, and falling glass, just to name a few 

Based on a novel by Bram Stoker, The Awakening can be slow going at times.  However, those murder set pieces aren’t too shabby and help to keep it from being a total slog.  Those hoping for an honest to goodness mummy movie will probably be severely disappointed as the traditional bandaged mummy shenanigans are practically nonexistent.  It’s closer to The Omen than anything.  In addition to the aforementioned death scenes, it basically has the same theme:  Dealing with the possibility your child might be evil incarnate. Too bad the complete non-ending threatens to ruin the entire enterprise.

Some fun can be had from seeing the laughable wig and glasses Chuck wears for 2/3 of the picture to show he’s aged eighteen years though.  It was also neat to see a pre-Emperor Ian McDiarmid turning up as a shrink.  The cinematography by the great Jack Cardiff is solid too. 

So, overall, it’s uneven as hell, but there are enough bright points to make sure you won’t fall asleep on The Awakening. 

AKA:  The Wakening.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: BLOODSUCKING PHARAOHS IN PITTSBURGH (1991) *

(Streamed via The Film Detective)

A deranged killer is running around Pittsburgh murdering women and robbing them of their vital organs.  Birdwell (Jake Dengel) and Blocker (Joe Sharkey) are the cops on the case, and they haven’t been doing a very good job seeing how the murderer is up to victim number nineteen.  Blocker then reaches out to the daughter of his former partner (Susann Fletcher) to help catch the killer. 

Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh is basically another rehash of Blood Feast.  As with the OTHER Blood Feast-inspired retread, Blood Diner, the emphasis is more on comedy than gore.  At least Blood Diner had a goofy charm and sense of fun about it.  This one just comes off like a fourth-rate Airplane! rip-off.  Many of the gags are obvious (like the fake suspense music), tasteless (all the scenes with Birdwell’s wife), or just plain lame (Blocker is a homicide detective that… wait for it… can’t stand the sight of blood).  There’s also a scene involving a plane crashing into a building that probably hasn’t aged too well.

Even the special effects by the legendary Tom Savini are subpar.  I’m sure that had more to do with the film’s low budget than Savani’s considerable make-up prowess.  While many of the victims are dispatched in over the top fashion, the results are more cartoonish than out and out gory.  (There’s an OK face-ripping scene, but it’s indifferently staged.)  I can only chalk up his participation to the fact it was filmed in his hometown of Pittsburgh.  Or maybe he just needed to pay the rent. 

The big problem is that it’s painfully unfunny.  The cast just don’t have the comedic chops necessary to carry the non-horror scenes.  The detectives don’t have any chemistry together and have even less comic timing.  The only recognizable name in the cast is porn star Veronica Hart, who plays a clumsy waitress.  Her antics fail to garner any laughs either, but at least whenever she’s on screen, the film fitfully comes to life.  Then again, what can you say about a movie that takes a potentially intriguing concept as a trio of sexy (Egyptian?) Ninjas and still manages to screw it up.

AKA:  Picking Up the Pieces.