ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES (1985) *

Castaways from a sunken ocean liner drift to a remote desert island.  After foraging for food and supplies, they slowly have the suspicion they are not alone.  As it turns out, the island is populated by a race of tiny red monsters who have an insatiable hunger for human flesh. 

Attack of the Beast Creatures is one of the dullest, slowest, and most repetitive movies I have seen in quite some time.  The endless scenes of our heroes traipsing through the jungle sent me to dreamland as fast as any Ambien pill ever could.  Just when I was able to rouse myself from slumber, along came another interminable walking-through-the-jungle scene and it was back to Snoozeville for this viewer.  Ever the diligent critic, I DID rewind and re-watch the scenes that I slept through, but they were mostly a lot of boring dialogue scenes that were just as dull (if not, duller) than the walking scenes. 

There is ONE great moment.  It happens when a castaway stumbles upon a pond and dips his face in to take a drink.  He learns the hard way that it isn’t water in the pond, but acid.  Other than that, this is one shitty flick. 

The monsters are nothing more than replicas of the Zuni Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror dyed red.  There isn’t much effort on the filmmakers’ part to make them look anything more than puppets, aside from the one part where their eyes glow ominously in the dark.  In some scenes, you can clearly see the puppeteers’ arms, but most of the time, they are thrown at the cast by a crew member from just off camera.  The actors also do a piss-poor job at pretending to be ravaged by the monsters.  They are so crappy at it that it even fails to be unintentionally funny.  It also happens so often that you eventually start rooting for the little buggers to pick their bones clean, just so the movie can be over.

PREVUES OF COMING ATTRACTIONS VOL. 1: GIALLORAMA (2008) *** ½

Fans of ‘70s giallos rejoice!  This is the trailer compilation you’ve been waiting for.  It also makes for a good primer for people who are looking to get into the genre.  Some of the biggest directors who made their mark in the genre are represented (Dario Argento, Mario Bava, Sergio Martino, Lucio Fulci, and Umberto Lenzi are among those who are featured more than once) and familiar faces like George Hilton, Edwige Fenech, and Claudine Auger pop up time and again. It’s also in chronological order, which is nice because you get to see how the genre grew wilder and more exploitative over time. 

The trailers included in this collection are:  Evil Eye, Blood and Black Lace, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, The Case of the Scorpion’s Tail, The Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion, The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, A Lizard in a Woman’s Skin, Death Walks on High Heels, Four Flies on Grey Velvet, Short Night of Glass Dolls, Slaughter Hotel, Carnage (AKA:  Twitch of the Death Nerve), The Black Belly of the Tarantula, The Cat O’ Nine Tails, The Fifth Cord, The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave, All the Colors of the Dark (under the alternate title, They’re Coming to Get You), The Case of the Bloody Iris, Torso, What Have You Done to Solange?, Who Saw Her Die?, Death Smiles at Murder, Spasmo, Eyeball, Autopsy, Deep Red, Strip Nude for Your Killer, The Dark is Death’s Friend, The Bloodstained Shadow, The Pyjama Girl Case, Tenebrae, The New York, Ripper, Murder Rock, Stage Fright, Trauma, and Sleepless.

Throughout the running time, you can see flashes of what makes giallos so much fun:  Killers in black gloves, POV camerawork, beautiful women, and odd, memorable, and longwinded titles (usually featuring an animal).  Many trailers use trippy colors during the title sequences that add to the overall luridness of the films.  A few are even shown in their original Italian language, which helps to give them a different flavor than a lot of the trailers on these kinds of compilations.

I do kind of wish they had dug a little further back in the archives and found some more obscure titles.  As it is, it just kind of plays like a greatest hits collection of what the genre has to offer.  That’s not really a criticism though, just an observation.

DUSK TO DAWN DRIVE-IN TRASH-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 1 (1996) ****

This was the first entry in the long-running series of trailer compilations presented by Something Weird.  It boasts a terrific assembly of genre favorites, trash classics, and Grade-Z junk.  Many of the all-time great trailers that have appeared in countless other compilations are here, but what makes Dusk to Dawn Drive-In Trash-O-Rama Show Vol. 1 an exemplary example of the format is the sheer number of horror rarities, regional flicks, and obscure-o weirdness on hand.  

The trailers vary in length too.  Some run on several minutes while others are nothing more than a brief TV spot.  The genres run the gamut from Blaxploitation to Spaghetti Westerns to skin flicks to biker movies to Kung Fu to horror.  At two hours, it moves along at a lightning pace and the constant variety means you’ll never be bored.

The first wave of trailers include Bare Knuckles, Great White, The Black Connection, Hells Chosen Few, Chain Gang Women, Tunnel Vision, Sugar Hill, The Amazing World of Psychic Phenomena, The Wild Riders, Point of Terror, The Brute and the Beast, Crazy Mama, Tidal Wave, Circle of Iron, The Great Hollywood Rape-Slaughter (which promises an appearance by Linda Ronstadt), The 3 Dimensions of Greta, Werewolves on Wheels, Korean Connection, The Killer Breed, The Groove Tube, Pets, The Godfathers of Hong Kong, The Night of the Assassin, The House That Vanished (which rips off Last House on the Left’s “It’s Only a Movie!” campaign), The Evil, Don’t Go in the House, and Something is Out There.

Afterwards, there’s a short intermission filled with cool vintage drive-in ads.  Then, we get back into the action with trailers for The Hot Box, The Born Losers, The Female Bunch, Naked Rider (which is just a content warning and shows nothing from the movie, AKA:  All the Young Wives), Kill Squad, Matilda (a boxing kangaroo movie starring Elliott Gould), Digby:  The Biggest Dog in the World, The Mysterious Monsters, Hell’s Angels on Wheels, The Glory Stompers, Chrome and Hot Leather, The Mutations, Flesh Gordon, Luana, The Jezebels (AKA:  Switchblade Sisters), Scream Baby Scream, Gay Liberation, Squirm, Zebra Force, Savage Sisters, Johnny Firecloud, The Swiss Conspiracy, The Bull Buster, The Rats are Coming!  The Werewolves are Here!, Vampyres (“Very Unnatural Ladies”), Women for Sale, The Rape Killer, The Girl in Room 2A, The Teacher (“Her best lessons were taught… AFTER CLASS!”), Liz (an amazing trailer filled with man-on-the-street interviews of mostly outraged old women who can’t believe how much sex and nudity is in the movie, a testimonial from the producer, and absolutely zero clips from the movie itself), Eve, Superchick, Women in Cages (which oddly features the instrumental to The Cars’ “Moving in Stereo”), The Big Bird Cage, Sins of Rachel,  The Cat Ate the Parakeet, Mother, Nazi Love Camp 27 (which uses the same “Special Announcement” gimmick as Liz, but features a black screen that reads, “Cut” whenever the footage gets too steamy), The Captive Female (AKA:  Scream Bloody Murder), The Love-Thrill Murders, Night of the Lepus, Satan’s Cheerleaders, The Vampires Night Orgy, Simon, King of the Witches, Black Belt Jones, and finally, an ad for a double feature of Curse of the Headless Horseman and Carnival of Blood; followed by a few more drive-in ads.

In short, no trailer compilation fanatic will want to miss it. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: THE DEBT COLLECTOR 2 (2020) ** ½

Sue (Louis Mandylor) convinces his pal French (Scott Adkins) to give up his inglorious bouncer job and come back to a life of loan sharking.  It won’t be easy though seeing how they have to make three collections from three very tough customers in a span of forty-eight hours.  The first mark (Death Wish 3’s Marina Sirtis) is a former flame of Sue’s, the next target is the manager of a boxing gym (Cuete Yeska), and the final collection comes from a hardass who owns a chop shop (Vernon Wells).  Once French realizes he’s being used as a bag man for a vengeance-seeking underworld hoodlum (Ski Carr), he tries to split, which puts him at odds with his old pal Sue.

The Debt Collector was an OK DTV character study/actioner that had the benefit of being anchored by the two leads’ chemistry.  The same holds true for this sequel, which is a noticeable improvement over its predecessor, thanks to a slightly better script and tighter pacing.  Returning director (and frequent Adkins collaborator) Jesse V. Johnson makes the action sequences crackle by favoring unrushed editing choices over the fast-cutting style that ruin most DTV flicks.  He also gives Adkins several opportunities to punch and/or kick the crap out of people, which is always appreciated. 

Probably the most amusing thing about the movie is the way the two main characters brush off their apparent deaths in the first film.  There’s some talk about lights at the end of the tunnel, loved ones welcoming them to Heaven, and a funny run-in with a cute nurse on the operating table.  Mostly though, it’s all rushed through just to set up the new plot.  I for one kind of liked the unapologetic disregard for logic in order to get the show on the road in a timely fashion.  Johnson knew that Adkins and Mandylor were a good fit together, and he wasn’t going to let a little thing like death keep them separated. 

While it stops short of being a full blown “good” movie, it’s entertaining enough to fit the bill for fans of Adkins.  The wheel remains completely un-reinvented throughout, and it spins around well enough with very little wear and tear.  The chemistry between the two performers is genuine, and the cherry on the top is their knockdown-drag-out alleyway fight that sort of pays homage to They Live while having its own style and energy. 

The Debt Collector 2’s episodic nature is probably the only thing holding it back from kicking into gear.  Sue and French collect from a different person every twenty-five minutes or so, and while their run-ins are amusing for the most part, they don’t really translate into fist-pumping audience-pleasing moments or laugh-out-loud comedic situations.  However, it’s a big enough improvement over the original that I am hopeful we will see Adkins and Mandylor reunited to collect more debts in the near future.

AKA:  Debt Collectors.  AKA:  Payback.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: 1BR (2020) *** ½

(Programming Note:  I am going to continue the Hindsight is 2020 column until the end of January.  My goal is to watch as many 2020 movies as I can before I begin work on the 14^th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  The nominations should be announced in early February.) 

A young woman named Sarah (Nicole Brydon Bloom) rents a room in a seemingly idyllic apartment complex.  It isn’t until she learns about their strict no-pets-allowed policy that things take a turn for the horrific.  The tenants then kidnap her and put her through a grueling mental and physical conditioning period in hopes of making her part of “the community”. 

1BR, like The Sect, is one of those horror films that FEELS like it should be a slow burn, but it moves at such a brisk pace that you get the rewards from a slow burn horror flick without all the incessant waiting around.  I liked the way writer/director David Marmor played his cinematic cards.  Just when you think it’s leaning one way; it skips a beat and dovetails into a slightly different subgenre.  There are parts that will probably remind you equally of Roman Polanski, Eli Roth, and M. Night Shyamalan, but he is able to weave those influences into an effective tapestry of horror.

Marmor doesn’t waste a whole lot of time getting down to the nitty gritty either, which is a sure sign of a director with a promising future.  He’s just as good at balls-out horror as he is slowly ratcheting up the tension.  I won’t spoil the big shocking moment, but I will say that there’s a scene here that ranks right up there with the bunny boiling sequence in Fatal Attraction. 

The film is anchored by a good performance by Bloom.  We really feel for her, especially when her character is going through her conditioning phase.  (It’s kind of like Deadly Yoga.)  She’s a real trooper for being put through the rigorous demands of the role, and hopefully we will be seeing a lot more of her in the near future.

I can’t say it’s entirely perfect.  Some of the amateurish performances by the other residents in the complex range from stilted to goofy.  What makes the movie a rarity among modern horror films is that it actually manages to stick the landing.  Many times, I tend to write these things off by stating, “it should’ve been a half-hour Twilight Zone episode”.  However, this is one of the few times when the length is just about on the nose.  The structure is compact and efficient, and there are few (if any) wasted moments.

In short, 1BR is worth the rental. 

DEAR DEAD DELILAH (1972) *

Luddy (Patricia Carmichael) gets out of a mental hospital after serving thirty years for killing her mother.  With nowhere to turn, Luddy is taken in by a wealthy family who feel sorry for her and offer her a job as a housekeeper.  The cranky matriarch Delilah (Agnes Moorehead) is a wheelchair bound shrew who constantly harps on everyone around her.  When she abruptly announces the family is effectively cut out of her will, they begin hatching a murder plot with Luddy making for a perfect scapegoat.

Dear Dead Delilah is an insufferable blend of southern fried gothic melodrama and an old-fashioned whodunit.  The fact that there’s an old woman’s name in the title may lead you to believe this is going to be one of those What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? types of horror flicks.  Really though, it plays kind of like a cross between Dementia 13 and Ten Little Indians. 

You can tell it was directed by a novelist (in this case, John Farris, who also wrote The Fury), as there are too many characters, huge chunks of exposition, and a lot of big speeches.  The characters are kind of the problem because none of them are remotely likeable as they are all greedy, alcoholics, druggies, or just plain despicable.  You know you’re in trouble when your axe murderer is the most sympathetic character. 

Since Farris isn’t really a director, he has no discernable style and no sense of pacing.  The movie just sort of ambles along from one scene to the next and it takes it an awfully long time to develop any sort of rhythm.  By the time the axe murders occur, it’s hard to care one way or another.  Farris does deliver one terrific decapitation however, but that isn’t nearly enough to justify Dear Dead Delilah’s dreary existence.  

YOU WON’T STOP SCREAMING (1998) * ½

You Won’t Stop Screaming is one of the most half-assed horror compilations I’ve ever seen.  Most of the time with these things, there’s a little bit of narration, text, or even a host to help you make sense of what is going on, or at least let you know what movies the clips are taken from.  This one offers you none of that as all the clips are strung together with no rhyme or reason. 

There are snippets from House by the Cemetery, Eaten Alive, The Alien Dead, Cathy’s Curse, The Hills Have Eyes, Simon, King of the Witches, Hatchet for the Honeymoon, The Final Terror, Picture Mommy Dead, The Alchemist, and Lucifer.  While there are a handful of classics in that line-up, most of the films featured don’t have enough highlights to even warrant showing.  House by the Cemetery and Eaten Alive are featured the most, with the entire climax of the former being shown at the very end. 

Terror in the Aisles it is not. 

As a die-hard fan of horror compilations, even I have to admit this one pretty much sucks.  It really needed some kind of framing device to make it all work.  Either that, or the clips should've followed some sort of theme.  Because it’s all been thrown together so haphazardly, it just feels like you’re watching a bunch of movies thrown in a blender.

Many of the movies featured are quite suspenseful, but you’d never know it while watching this.  Stripped of their proper context, they are way less effective when shown in this manner.  What’s worse is that most of the time, they don’t even use the best parts of the film.  The solarized still images from the old Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors video and clips that play over top a haunted house while distorted “scary” sounds drone continuously on the soundtrack are annoying too.

You Won’t Stop Screaming?  You won’t even start!  Heck, you’ll probably start snoozing before the halfway mark.