THE IMMORAL MR. TEAS (1959) **

The Immoral Mr. Teas announced Russ Meyer as a force of exploitation moviemaking.  Even in this, his first movie, his style was already cemented.  The rapid-fire editing, the acerbic narration, the scenes of nude women frolicking in the wild, and the boobs.  Plenty of boobs.  They’re all here.  It’s as if he arrived on the scene as a fully formed filmmaker.  I can’t say it’s his best work though.  Even if it is fun to spot his various fetishes and idiosyncrasies on display so early, the movie itself leaves something to be desired. 

Then again, the first of its kind is always sort of like that.  While The Immoral Mr. Teas wasn’t the first nudie movie, it was the first one where the women were actually viewed as sexual objects and not passive nudists off playing volleyball or sunbathing or something.  Now, we get them doing such things as cooking, typing, canoeing, and playing guitar.  Ah, progress!

Mr. Teas (Bill Teas) is a meek deliveryman who spends most of his idle time looking down women’s blouses and/or peeping on them from afar.  After a trip to the dentist, he finds he has the power to imagine women naked as they go about their everyday tasks.  (A hypno-wheel is the special effect.)  He eventually spends less time at work and more time girl-watching.

While most of the humor is lame, there are a couple of okay gags.  My favorite bit is when Mr. Teas gets picked up by a woman he thinks is a hooker, but it turns out she’s… well… I wouldn’t want to spoil the joke.  The rest of it just isn’t that funny.  That wouldn’t matter if it managed to be sexy, but it’s much too innocent and tame to get your pulse racing.  The longest (and best) sequence is when Mr. Teas spies on three women out in the woods, although you have to wait a long time to get to it.  Also, the relatively short sixty-two-minute run time feels much longer due to the repetitive nature of the film.  (How many shots of Mr. Teas’ daily commute did we really need?)

Meyer (who can briefly be seen as one of the patrons at a burlesque show) got his start as a Playboy photographer, and many of his compositions feel like live-action photo spreads (especially the scene where Mr. Teas eats watermelon).  You can see that Meyer was still working at making a “real” movie out of what he knew best.  However, the results, as uneven as they are, are mildly enjoyable. 

AKA:  Mr. Teas and His Playthings.  AKA:  Steam Heat.

JIU JITSU (2020) *

You know, I was looking forward to Jiu Jitsu.  It had a wacky premise (it’s basically Mortal Kombat Meets Predator), a stacked cast (which includes Nicolas Cage, Alain Moussi, Tony Jaa, and Frank Grillo), and a director whose work I have enjoyed in the past (Dimitri Logothetis).  Nothing could’ve prepared me for how bad it really was. 

The first sign of trouble is the comic book panels and rotoscoping that make the various chapter breaks look like a graphic novel.  It’s one thing to make a movie with a comic book sensibility.  It’s another thing to gratuitously call attention to itself, saying, “Look at this!  It’s just like a comic book!”  That shit didn’t cut it in the director’s cut of The Warriors and it doesn’t cut it here. 

Another problem is the first-person fight scenes that occur early on.  If there’s anything worse than shaky-cam action sequences, it’s a first-person fight scene that makes the various shootouts, fistfights, and Kung Fu battles look like a video game.  What really gets annoying is how the action switches from the perspectives of Moussi and Jaa within the same scene.  All the hopping around back and forth from their POV just makes the action that much more disorienting. 

I was a fan of Moussi’s work in the Kickboxer movies (the second of which was also directed by Logothetis).  However, the plot does him a great disservice as it calls for him to have amnesia for much of the picture.  He has the potential to be a fine actor, but you’d never know it when all he gets to do in this movie is walk around in a daze and scowl like he’s got an ice cream headache.

Despite a promising premise, it’s more than a little sad that the movie just lazily copies and pastes the plots of Predator and Mortal Kombat together to make a clip art version of a movie instead of at least coming up with some sort of new slant on the material.  The monster is invisible and uses infrared scopes to hunt for his prey just like in Predator, and Cage’s character is obviously supposed to be the stand-in for the Christopher Lambert incarnation of Raiden. 

At least Cage brings some sort of energy to the movie.  He too seems to be borrowing freely from other films, as he sometimes plays his character as a slacker modeled on The Big Lebowski, while other times he rants and raves like Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now.  It’s enough to make you wish Cage starred in a legit Predator sequel and called it a day instead of popping up in a slightly-classier-than-an-Asylum-mockbuster knockoff.

It’s a shame that a movie starring Jaa, Cage, and Grillo turned out so dull.  Grillo is particularly wasted as he’s mostly around to bark orders and disparage Moussi’s amnesiac character for not “remembering the plan”.  When Jaa first came onto the scene in Ong Bak he proved he was the most exciting martial artist on the planet.  After the awesomeness of The Protector, he was never quite able to capitalize on that early promise.  Jiu Jitsu is not an ideal vehicle for his talents, but we do get one scene where he uses his patented knee attack to bash his enemies.  However, that’s not enough to make it worthwhile. 

Jiu Jitsu moves like lead, and when a burst of action does happen, it’s so chaotic that most of the joy is sucked right out of it.  (Many of the fight scenes feature way too much slow motion.)  Once we finally get to the fighting tournament, it’s nothing more than a series of repetitive matches with predictable outcomes.  You can only take so much of a guy in a cut-rate Guyver costume beating up on people before it gets dull.  The fights themselves are uninspired, interchangeable, and forgettable, which is perplexing as I thought Logothetis did a pretty solid job on Kickboxer:  Retaliation’s action sequences.

 In short, Jiu Jitsu is Jiu Shitsu.

IRON MASK (2020) *

“I’ve waited a long time for this”.

This line is spoken by Arnold Schwarzenegger just before he and Jackie Chan square off against one another in Iron Mask.  So have their fans.  The last time they met on screen (in Around the World in 80 Days), Arnold had little more than a glorified cameo.  Here, both men have very little screen time, but they are front and center just long enough to exchange fisticuffs with one another.  The results are underwhelming to say the least as the fight is hampered with some inane comedy and gratuitous 3-D moments.  As lame as the fight is, it still manages to be the best thing about the film, which has to rank among both stars’ worst. 

The fact that both of them are barely in it (Jackie gets the “With the Special Participation of” credit) is the first tip-off that this is going to suck.  Making things even more unbearable is the fact that it has about four other plots going on that feel like they came out of entirely different movies.  There’s a mapmaker (Bruiser’s Jason Flemyng) who travels through China while hanging out with a flying monkey, a princess who disguises herself in drag to avoid detection from her enemies, and a Russian prince (who wears the titular mask) who frees himself from the Tower of London and goes on a pirating adventure.  That’s not even mentioning the WTF prologue about white wizards making tea from the eyelashes of dragons or some such shit. 

The film was a Russian-Chinese co-production and it’s an overstuffed, bizarre affair.  It often feels like a ten-part mini-series that was edited into two hours.  Characters come and go, chaotic action sequences bluster on, and shitty CGI abounds.  The finale is particularly awful, and the film as a whole is a rather exhausting and excruciating affair.   

It’s not all bad though.  I liked the villainess’ henchmen.  One looked like a Rock Lords version of Super Shredder and the other resembles the love child of Doctor Fate and Tik-Tok from Return to Oz.  Really though, there’s no reason to see it other than for the participation (make that SPECIAL participation) of Schwarzenegger and Chan.  After all these years, they really deserve a better brawling platform than a shitty Russian-Chinese movie.  As an added bonus, you also get Rutger Hauer (in one of his last roles) in one scene wearing a powdered wig and looking as confused as the audience.

The sad thing is, there could’ve been a good movie made about the Chan and Schwarzenegger characters.  Imagine a tale of a wrongfully imprisoned man (Chan) and his jailer (Schwarzenegger) whose relationship spans decades.  First, they start off on the wrong foot and try to kick each other’s asses before they learn to respect one another, and over time, eventually become allies.  That’s a lot better than the “Hey, you’re a pretty good fighter, look me up whenever you’re in China so I can give you a long-winded propaganda-laced speech about Chinese nationalism!” shit that we wound up with. 

AKA:  Viy 2.  AKA:  The Mystery of the Dragon Seal:  Legend of the Dragon.  AKA:  The Mystery of the Dragon Seal.  AKA:  The Iron Mask:  Mystery of the Dragon Seal.  AKA:  The Dragon Seal.  AKA:  Journey to China:  Mystery of the Iron Mask.  AKA:  The Mystery of the Iron Mask:  Journey to China. 

HANZO THE RAZOR: THE SNARE (1973) ***

Shintaro Katsu returns as the badass samurai policeman Hanzo in this sequel to Hanzo the Razor:  Sword of Justice.  This time out, he’s investigating the death of a young woman.  He does some digging and discovers she had an illegal abortion.  He traces the operation back to a priestess who is in cahoots with a crooked treasurer who is jacking up the price of gold.  Hanzo, who abhors corrupt elected officials, sets out to see that justice is served. 

Director Yasuzo Masumura brings a lot of style to this entry.  The scene where the priestess preforms her abortion ceremony is eerie and colorful.  It almost feels like something out of a Mario Bava movie.  In another great scene, Hanzo is buried alive and heroically rises from the grave.  Masumura also delivers on the action as the sequence where Hanzo busts up the priestess’ den of iniquity is stellar.

If you liked the first movie, you will have fun seeing the hallmarks of the series playing out once again.  Hanzo is still beating his meat (literally) and ruffling the feathers of his superiors.  Bad guys are still getting torn to shreds in Hanzo’s booby-trapped rooms.  Hanzo is still dishing out his own unique brand of torture.  (One scene gives new meaning to the term “sit and spin”.)

Yes, like its predecessor, Hanzo the Razor:  The Snare features some pretty wild stuff.  There’s lots of sex, depravity, and violence to go around.  As in that film though, the third act gets a little too… conventional as the subplot about catching a thief who is planning to rob the Mint leaves Hanzo little time for his sexual and violent tendencies.  Still, if you’re a fan of the original, or Katsu’s Zatoichi movies, you’re sure to find plenty to enjoy here.

AKA:  Kung-Fu Hara Kiri.  AKA:  Fangs of the Detective:  Hanzo the Razor’s Tortures from Hell.  AKA:  Razor 2:  The Snare.  AKA:  Razor Hanzo’s Torture Hell.

LEGACY OF LIES (2020) **

Legacy of Lies is the latest S.A.M.P.L.E. movie.  S.A.M.P.L.E., of course, is short for Scott Adkins Must Punch Literally Everyone.  It’s not a great sample of a S.A.M.P.L.E. movie to be sure, but there are flashes of inspiration here to showcase what makes S.A.M.P.L.E. movies one of my favorite genres.

Adkins stars as a former spy whose final mission went south and ended with him not only losing some vital files, but his wife as well.  Ten years later, he’s living off the grid with his young daughter (Honor Kneafsey) in tow, making his living by participating in underground kickboxing matches.  He’s perfectly happy, but his kid is feeling restless.  She wants a normal life, which is something he’s incapable of providing. 

This table-setter is rather strong.  The first act feels like it we’re gonna get a “Family on the Run” drama mixed with “Kickboxing Tournaments” and “Hero with a Shady Past” subplots.  The scenes of Adkins teaching his kid how to shoot are also promising as they are a bit reminiscent of The Professional.  These little moments also give Adkins an adequate opportunity to flex his acting muscles and show his growing range as a dramatic actor. 

After a solid half-hour or so, it all goes out the window as Legacy of Lies changes gears and turns into another routine “I’ve Got to Get My Hands on a MacGuffin Before My Double-Crossing Former Boss Does” movie.  It’s not exactly a bad one.  It’s just that it fails to deliver on its early promise.  The film gets increasingly tired as it goes along.  By the end, it feels more like an assemblage of clichés and recycled subplots in search of a screenplay.  If you’re skilled enough, you can string along this sort of thing and make a sturdy tapestry.  Most of the time though (as is the case here), you wind up with a patchwork quilt.  There are a handful of competent fight sequences sprinkled about, although they’re not strong enough to bump this up to a marginal recommendation.

Legacy of Lies is overlong and overstuffed, and the climax is a bit of a washout.  I did like the scenes between Kneafsey and Anna Butkevich, who plays the villainess who kidnaps her.  In most of these movies, the bad guys keep the kid locked up in a room somewhere.  The villainess in this one actually takes her out for a pedicure!  I just wish the rest of the movie had more of these little touches.

THE BEACH BUNNIES (1976) * ½

Hollywood’s biggest rumor is that the hottest movie star on the planet has gotten a sex change.  When a reporter fails to get the inside scoop, his editor Elaine (Brenda Fogarty from Fairy Tales) takes over and tries to get the story herself.  Her plan involves going undercover with her three girlfriends at the beach where the movie star is vacationing.  She then sets out to seduce him so she can get her hands on the… ahem… hard evidence. 

Directed by Stephen C. Apostolof and co-written by Ed Wood (his last credited work of his lifetime), The Beach Bunnies suffers from an ungainly plot.  The opening scene that sets everything up goes on forever, and the long scenes of Fogarty driving are equally languid.  It’s one of those tedious movies where you feel like it should be almost over, but when you check your watch, you’re horrified to learn that only twenty-five minutes have gone by. 

It’s a huge disappointment too when you consider that Apostolof and Wood had previously collaborated on such classics as Orgy of the Dead and Fugitive Girls.  In comparison, The Beach Bunnies is a major comedown in quality in just about every way.  The only exception is the sex change subplot that harkens back to Wood’s first film, Glen or Glenda.  Some of the dialogue in the early scenes is reminiscent of Wood’s better works.  However, the dialogue found in the rest of the movie is decidedly lacking his usual touch.  I don’t know if Apostolof took over the screenwriting reigns halfway into production or what.  Maybe this just wasn’t up to Wood’s usual standards.  Whatever the case, the results are a thoroughly generic, forgettable, and most of all, boring affair.  (At least there is one scene that goes from night to day and then back to night again to remind you of Wood’s presence.)

On the plus side, there is an okay amount of skin for this sort of thing.  However, Apostolof’s handling of the various nude scenes and sex sequences is downright dull.  The beachy scenes are all predictable.  There’s the standard-issue bit where the editor fakes drowning to get the attention of the movie star, but naturally winds up being rescued by the wrong man.  We also get the obligatory From Here to Eternity-style sex scene set in the crashing waves on the beach.  Unfortunately, the whole movie feels like an eternity.  As bad as the sex scenes are, they do improve somewhat as it goes along, especially whenever Apostolof ditches the plot in favor of random scenes of the bunnies getting busy.  (The highlight is the gangbang on the beach.)  However, the long boring beach luau near the end pretty much ruins whatever momentum it managed to achieve. 

At their best, both Apostolof and Wood are capable of some truly amazing work.  Even on their off day, they can still cobble together some fun (or at the very least, memorable) films.  The Beach Bunnies is a rare effort that fails on all accounts. 

AKA:  Red Hot and Sexy.  AKA:  The Sun Bunnies.

THE SEX AND VIOLENCE FAMILY HOUR (1983) * ½

The Sex and Violence Family Hour was a Canadian television special made for The Playboy Channel.  It’s an adult sketch comedy show in the vein of The Kentucky Fried Movie, and since it was on cable, they could show a little skin (although probably not as much as you would expect).  It feels like it was meant as a vehicle for Murray Langston, who was The Unknown Comic on The Gong Show.  Unfortunately, he only does one stand-up routine and spends most of his time without his trademark paper bag on his head.

This would’ve been largely forgotten if it wasn’t for the participation of a young Jim Carrey who acts as the “host” (although he appears in just as many sketches as any other cast member).  Carrey’s knack for doing impressions (he appears as Ronald Regan in one sketch), weird characters, and generally acting over the top is already evident.  It’s just that the material he’s been given isn’t funny.  Because the writing is so weak, he works overtime trying to make you laugh, which only makes it more cringe-inducing.

The wraparound segments, where a pair of prospective producers go around to various networks pitching their new TV shows is kind of similar to Movie 43.  Their shows include “Eyewitness Nudes” (a naked news show), a film noir parody called The Big Salami, a game show, and a soap opera spoof.  Whenever things completely fall apart (which is often), they just cut to a random nude dancer, which was a good idea if you ask me.  Other bits include a Benny Hill-style fast-motion chase scene, Langston doing a lounge singer act, and an S & M cocktail party.

The Unknown Comic provides the only laughs when he takes the stage at the very end.  His set isn’t very long though, and the jokes, while funny, will be familiar to his fans.  The rest of the show isn’t funny at all, but it remains an interesting relic of the early cable TV era.