SLEAZY RIDER (1972) ***

An asshole sheriff (writer/director Roger Gentry) pulls over a biker gang and hassles them.  When one of the biker mamas gives him lip, he gives her a thorough cavity search to teach her some manners.  He runs them out of town, and they stop in the woods for some grubby biker sex.  Once they figure out where the sheriff’s house is, the gang pay him a visit and set out to get a little payback by making his wife and daughter participate in a nasty biker orgy.  

Sleazy Rider is only an hour long, and it’s just as grubby, grimy, and sleazy as the title implies.  The centerpiece scene is the biker initiation of a teenage girl who is made to strip (“Lemme see your cunt!”) and grovel before one of the biker mamas sits on her face and says, “Stick out your tongue, honey!  Here it comes!”  Naturally, this gets the gang all worked up and things quickly escalate into an all-out biker orgy.  The second orgy at the sheriff’s house is lengthier and features more participants isn’t as much fun due to the rapey aspects, but it’s perfectly scummy for the sort of exploitation flick.  We also get a graphic masturbation scene where the sheriff’s daughter pleasures herself on the toilet.  It's also fun seeing Grizzly Adams himself Dan Haggerty (who was actually in Easy Rider as an extra) as one of the bikers (named “Hag”).  Unfortunately, we never get to see how grizzly his adams is as he doesn’t stick around for the first biker orgy and only watches the second.  

I knew this was going to live up to its name when I saw Gentry’s name in the credits.  He’s the madman who also directed The Invitation AKA:  Invitation to Ruin.  This one is a little bit better than that trash classic, mostly because of the biker movie motif and cliches.  

The biggest drawback is the non-ending.  It feels like it’s building up to a big action climax before cutting to a title card stating that the gang were eventually arrested.  Despite the absence of a proper finale, Sleazy Rider is still one of the best biker roughies of the ‘70s.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #11: HALLOWEEN KILLS (2021) *

(Streamed via Peacock)

I was not a fan of the 2018 Halloween reboot.  That said, I am always up for some more Michael Myers stalk n’ slash.  I was not opposed to this immediate sequel.  (This is by my count the third second Halloween movie.)  I mean, there was nowhere left to go but up.  Right?  Right?  Shit.

Say what you will about Halloween ’18 (and I have said plenty, but the short of it is, it sucked), but at least it had a committed performance by Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode.  This one finds her in the hospital healing from her wounds from Michael’s rampage on Halloween night.  (This is by my count the third time Laurie has been admitted to the hospital after being attacked by Michael on Halloween night.)  In the first Halloween 2, she was sidelined in the hospital for two thirds of the movie.  Here, she spends even more time in the hospital bed.  She must have the same agent who got Eric Stoltz his role in Anaconda as she sleeps through half the movie.  Even when she’s awake, she doesn’t do anything meaningful.  Heck, she and Mikey Boy don’t even share any scenes together!  What a fucking rip-off.  In fact, she had more to do in Halloween:  Resurrection, if you can believe it.

Where is Busta Rhymes when you need him?

David Gordon Green is a good director.  It’s just hard to see what he sees in the Halloween franchise.  Aside from the opening firefighter smackdown, there is not much to recommend here.  The kills are brutal, but feel more like they came out of a Rob Zombie Halloween, and you know, I have to say Rob did it better.  

You know you’re in trouble from the opening scene that takes place in 1978 where a young cop has a run-in with Myers.  I’m not opposed to flashbacks showing new characters reacting to the events of the first movie.  What I am opposed to is them continuing to have flashbacks throughout the entire running time that offer no insight to the matter at hand.  

From there, we flashforward to the present for a long ass open mic night scene that features a bunch of ventriloquist shit before Tommy Doyle (Anthony Michael Hall) hops onstage to commemorate the victims and survivors of the original massacre.  You can say a lot about Haddonfield in the years after Myers’ initial rampage, but it has a thriving open mic night community.  Tommy then receives word that Myers is still on the loose and whips together a mob to take him down themselves.  (Shades of the posse in part 4.)  

At its heart, Halloween is about good vs. evil.  The best moments in the series spring out of Laurie fending off Michael’s attacks, vanquishing evil until the next time October 31st rolls around.  This one denies us that confrontation.  Laurie and Michael never share a scene together, which is pretty bogus if you ask me.

In fact, Halloween Kills is like Rocky 2… if Rocky had spent the whole movie in the hospital while someone else fought Apollo Creed and the guy in the bed next to him had flashbacks to fighting Apollo Creed.

The way Green tries to hammer home the Trump parallels is laughable.  Tommy’s “Evil Dies Tonight” mantra, which is repeated back by his seething followers is clearly a riff on “Make America Great Again”, and the way he leads the mob into storming the hospital is not unlike the seditionists who stormed the Capitol on 1/6.  I’m sure the fact he is portrayed as an angry, bald, white dude was purposeful too.  

Half the movie is this shit, and the other half of the movie is Myers crushing skulls and stabbing people.  At one-hundred-and-five minutes, it’s way overlong too, and the constant cutting back and forth between the plotlines results in little if any forward momentum.  The flashbacks to the original night of terror as seen through the sheriff’s eyes (Will Patton, who has even less to do than Curtis) is also completely useless and could’ve been excised entirely.  When the two plots finally converge, the finale is rushed and unsatisfying.  I know they made this and Halloween Ends as a two-picture deal, if any movie ever suffered from “middle chapter syndrome”, it’s this one.  Maybe that’s because they forgot to put an actual movie in there.  

This is the second time I have been tricked by Green and company.  Maybe Halloween Ends will be the treat.  More than likely, it’ll be another razor blade hiding inside a cinematic apple.

NO TIME TO DIE (2021) ***

Daniel Craig’s fifth and final turn as Ian Fleming’s 007 is a nice change of pace from the mostly dour, joyless past couple of entries in the James Bond saga.  I think he knew this was going to be his swan song, so he decided to finally loosen up a bit and give the fans what they want to see.  Namely, a fully loaded Aston Martin, cool gadgets, hot babes, villains with facial deformities, and henchmen with quirky gimmicks.  Oh, and HUMOR!  Can you imagine Craig’s Bond actually tossing off one-liners and double entendre like Roger Moore?  Can you imagine Craig’s Bond actually looking like he’s having FUN?  What a novel concept!

In fact, the first two hours of No Time to Die had me convinced that Craig had belatedly found his footing and created a James Bond that fans of previous incarnations of the character could embrace and love.  As it turns out, he was basically setting us up for the final forty-five minutes or so, which finds him back on his sourpuss streak (although it’s still not without its fun moments).  I’m sure the ending will be long discussed and dissected by Bond fans, and for me, it worked, even though it was kind of a lot to process.  Further viewings will probably only enhance my enjoyment of the film.  (As is the case with most Bonds, although to be perfectly honest, I haven’t even revisited Spectre since I saw it opening night, so who knows?)  All I can say is that I firmly believe Craig accomplished everything he set out to do with the character, and he exits the franchise with a resounding mic drop.

No Time to Die is the longest Bond film on record, which is a lot of the problem.  It almost feels like two Bonds for the price of one.  There’s the funny, breezy (but also deadly serious at times) set-up that establishes the players, both new and old.  (Like all of Craig’s Bonds, your enjoyment may hinge on your knowledge of his previous installments.)  We learn Bond has been off the grid for five years and is brought back into the game by his old pal Felix Leiter (Jeffrey Wright, excellent as usual) to recover a deadly virus.  There is a terrific sequence in Cuba where Bond teams up with a sultry rookie agent (Ana de Armas) and a rather nifty attempt on Bond’s life that goes south.  We also learn that all roads lead to Blofeld (Christoph Waltz, slightly better here than in his underwhelming last turn as the character), and that Bond’s former flame Madeliene (Lea Seydoux) may be holding back A Very Big Secret.  The final third, while making concessions to the Bond movies of old (there’s an island lair containing a missile silo), is very much in line with the typical Craig era interpretation of the character, but it’s not without its charms, and is surprisingly, dare I say, moving to boot.  Like many Bonds, it suffers from a lot of needless bloating (at least Quantum of Solace was a three-chords, in-and-out affair), but seeing as this is Craig’s final go-round, maybe, perhaps I can give him a mulligan.  I’d say he’s earned it.  

Anyway, here’s the real review for Bond fans:  

The Pre-Opening Title Sequence:  There’s a lot to unpack here.  It’s a little jumbled as it has to set-up Madeliene’s big secret, remind us of Bond’s former flame, and show us that Bond retiring maybe wasn’t a good idea.  What is a good idea is letting him drive a gadgets-filled Aston Martin and kill lots of bad guys.  As far as these things go, it probably ranks somewhere on the lower end of the spectrum since it ends on an emotional note, and not an action one.  That said, it starts the film off in fine fashion.  ***

The Opening Title Sequence:  Like many of the post-Dalton Bond movies, there’s way too much CGI and not enough naked women photographed in silhouette for my tastes.  However, it’s one of the better Craig-era title sequences.  I particularly thought the guns lined up in spirals to make a very deadly looking DNA pattern was a nice touch.  ***

The Song:  When I first heard “No Time to Die” by Billie Ellish, I quickly dismissed it as the worst Bond song of all time.  Now seeing it in the proper context alongside the visuals of the title sequence, I like it slightly more, but not much.  Like “Writing’s on the Wall”, it’s a boring, forgettable tune and not something you’d expect (or want) from a Bond song.  **

Bond:  This is by far my favorite Craig performance in a Bond movie.  He finally nails the tone of the earlier Bonds while still making it his own.  Whether hammering drinks in the midst of a shootout or coolly hopping off speeding motorcycles, he shows what kind of a Bond he could’ve been all these years if he wasn’t busy being so glum in his last four movies.  He also hits all the dramatic notes you’d expect him to, which goes without saying.  ****

The Gadgets:  The Aston Martin scene is top notch.  Bond also gets a watch armed with an EMP.  He and the new 007 (Lashawna Lynch) also get to take a ride in a glider that looks and functions a lot like the one in Escape from New York.  Not to be outdone, the bad guys have magnetic suits that help them briefly defy gravity in order to make a nifty getaway.  *** ½ 

Bond Girls:  Seydoux matures nicely into the role of Madeleine Swann.  She was a little aloof in the previous outing, but now seems much more like a match for Craig’s Bond.  This is the most chaste Bond has been since The Living Daylights as he’s strictly a one-woman man, but de Armas and Lynch are both capable and badass in their action sequences and hold their own alongside Craig.  *** ½ 

M:  M (Ralph Fiennes) proves to be more of an asshole than usual.  That’s a good thing though, because it sort of advances the plot and opens up the possibility that James might not be playing on the right side this time out.  Fiennes is great once again and gets to say, what I believe is the only F-bomb in 007 history.  *** ½ 

Villain(s):  Waltz does a good job as Blofeld, although I’m not sure I fully embrace his Hannibal Lecter take on the character.  Rami Malek underplays the main villain Safin, perhaps a hair too much.  However, I dig his harlequin mask get-up.  ***

Villain’s Plot:  This might hit close to home for some folks, but it’s all about (SPOILER) weaponizing a virus.  It’s a novel twist on the typical save-the-world scenario.  If it didn’t come out during a pandemic, it probably would’ve seemed downright inventive.  ***

Villain’s Lair:  It’s your typical island fortress filled with a bunch of scientists in containment suits and armed guards out the wazoo.  It’s another day at the office, but a welcome one.  ***

Villain’s Henchman:  A dude with a glass eye that contains a camera.  He’s not exactly Odd Job or anything.  At least Bond gets to toss lots of eye-related puns and quips his way, which is always a good thing.  ***

Martinis:  Bond drinks one.  ***

Movies Ripped Off:  Dr. No:  Lots of dudes in plastic radiation suits running around when the villain’s lair is getting blown up.  [REDACTED]:  There’s a doozy of a previous Bond movie that is being reworked here, but if I told you, it might spoil the whole ball of wax.  (They even play that film’s song over the end credits!)  For Your Eyes Only:  Bond visits a former lover’s grave as well as dispatches a helpless bad guy via shoving a disabled car.  [REDACTED]:  Again, if I told you, I’d spoil it.  All I’ll say is that Bond goes out for revenge.  Again.  Die Another Day:  Bond has to contend with a younger agent that just may be his match that also happens to be a strong and capable African American woman.  

Bottom Line:  No Time to Die is my third favorite Craig-era Bond.  A solid entry that contains a thrilling first two hours, as well as a divisive ending that may or may not take some Bond fans out of the movie entirely.  I personally thought they stuck the landing nicely, making it a fitting curtain call for Craig’s interpretation of the character.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #10: CAROUSHELL (2016) ***

(Streamed via Crackle)

We’ve all been at a point at our job when we just want to break free, walk out, and never look back.  The main character of Caroushell, Duke has the same problem.  The fact that he’s a killer carousel horse is beside the point.  

An internet influencer’s world is shattered when her stripper mother informs her she must babysit her bratty little brother.  She takes the kid to the local amusement park, and he happens to sit on Duke.  After he tells the wooden horse to “eat a dick”, Duke decides he’s finally had enough and leaves the carousel once and for all.  He then goes around the park killing those who’ve wronged him, eventually setting his sights on the little brat and his sexy sister.  

If you can’t tell, Caroushell is a dumb movie, but it’s my kind of dumb.  It’s also almost always a little bit better than you expect.  For example, I kind of expected Duke to stab people in the throat with its horn.  I kind of expected him to say amusement park-related wisecracks after he killed someone like, “You must be this tall… to DIE!”  I didn’t, however, foresee him using a machete and making an homage to Friday the 13th Part 6:  Jason Lives.  

Yes, it’s dumb, but it also contains a handful of hearty and genuine laughs.  While not all of it works, you have to tip your hat to the filmmakers for stretching out such a thin premise in an entertaining way.  Heck, the movie even knows when it’s running out of ideas and comments on it as well.  You’ve got to respect that.

Another plus is that it’s only sixty-six minutes long, which is probably the ideal length for a movie about a wisecracking sentient serial killer carousel horse.  In fact, it’s still probably a tad overlong as it starts to run out of steam before it reaches its climax.  That said, where else are you going to see a drunk partygoer seducing a carousel horse?  Although it’s not quite up there with the killer snowman rape scene from Jack Frost, this sequence is still a winner in my book.  

VENOM: LET THERE BE CARNAGE (2021) ***

Venom was a much-better-than-expected superhero slobber-knocker thanks to its zany energy and a Nicolas Cage-level bonkers performance by Tom Hardy.  The sequel, Let There Be Carnage offers up more of the same, and why not?  It’s big, loud, dumb fun, and frankly, the world could use a little of that right now.  

The first act is its funniest.  We find reporter Eddie Brock (Hardy) and his alien symbiote Venom in a less than harmonious place.  They bicker like an old married couple, both feeling that one doesn’t fully appreciate the other.  Eventually, they break up and Venom goes on to have a wild night of partying, going to a rave, getting drunk, being covered head to toe in glow-in-the-dark light stick necklaces, and hopping on stage to profess his love for everyone in the room.  Sadly, he still misses Eddie.  

Before the split, Brock gets a scoop to interview serial killer Cletus Kasady (Woody Harrelson), who bites him on the hand and inadvertently drinks some of Venom’s blood.  Just as he’s about to be executed, the symbiote Carnage takes control over Kasady and he more than lives up to his name, causing carnage and mayhem wherever he goes.  It’s then up to Venom and Eddie to make amends and reunite before Carnage brings the city to its knees.  

While the first act keeps the swimming-in-the-lobster-tank vibe of the original, it becomes more formulaic as it goes on.  That isn’t really a bad thing though.  No one can fault the movie for dillydallying as it moves like a freight train.  Sometimes, it even feels as it’s rushing itself towards the climax.  Sure, you might wish that the pace stopped for a breather now and again, but at ninety-seven minutes, it’s much shorter than your average comic book flick nowadays.  I for one appreciate these things when they aren’t bloated, overstuffed, and overlong. 

Once again, Hardy brings his own quirky charm to the role.  His domestic scenes with Venom are quite winning and he does a good job at struggling to maintain normalcy while talking to your average person on the street.  Harrelson is a perfect match for him.  He’s clearly having a blast, even if his role is little more than a slight variation on his character from Natural Born Killers.  (He even has a demented lover/partner in crime he has to break out of jail.)  As Hardy’s love interest, Michelle Williams comes perilously close to having absolutely nothing to do, but she does it quite well.

By the time the film devolves into your typical superhero fisticuffs, it manages to still carry a spark of personality, even if the finale is a little overly familiar.  As a fan of Venom and Carnage in the comics, it scratched this fanboy’s itch.  The same goes for the post-credits tag.

I’m sure you could nitpick this movie all day.  Although it has its share of flaws, it remains zippy, mindless, and entertaining.  It kind of reminded me a bit of the old pre-MCU superhero flicks of the ‘90s and ‘00s.  It’s messy, cheesy, and takes liberties with the source material, but it's a damned good time, nevertheless.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #9: DRACULA’S DAUGHTER (1972) ***

(Streamed via Corpse Collective)

Louisa (Britt Nichols) rushes to visit her dying mother, who informs her that she is a direct descendent of the vampire Count Karlstein (Jess Franco regular Howard Vernon).  Upon her mother’s death, Louisa inherits the family castle where she is almost immediately bitten by the Count.  Meanwhile, a police inspector (Alberto Dalbes) searches for a killer who has left his victims with gaping neck wounds.

Director Jess Franco gives us a rather suspenseful scene right out of the gate.  A peeping Tom watches in the shadows as a beautiful woman undresses and bathes.  Franco does a neat thing here to let the audience know that this isn’t meant to be titillating, but creepy by cutting away from the naked woman to an extreme close-up on the peeper’s bulging eyeball every twelve seconds or so.  Many directors will give you a point of view shot of the killer, but Franco gives us a point of view of the killer’s point of view.  

The film’s centerpiece is a long, romantic sequence where the vampiric Louisa seduces her sexy cousin Karine (Anne Libert) and they indulge in incestuous lesbian vampire sex.  There is a lot of chemistry between the two performers and the scene is a lot more tender and erotic than you might expect.  Their final tryst together isn’t quite as good though and is undone by the odd music choice that sounds like a temp track from a Tom and Jerry cartoon.  

Whenever the film concentrates on the romance between Nichols and Libert, it is quite involving.  It’s only in the second half, when the inspector character is introduced, that it begins to run out of steam.  Despite its drawbacks, Dracula’s Daughter remains a stronger than usual offering from Franco.

Speaking of Franco, he has a sizeable role as the off-brand Van Helsing character.  He arguably gives the best performance too, although I would say Nichols manages to surpass him, based on the strength of her love scenes.  Vernon isn’t given much to do as the vampire except rise slowly from his coffin a couple of times, so if you’re a fan of his, you might be disappointed.  Lina Romay (who isn’t listed in the credits on IMDb) also pops up briefly early on, but sadly, disappears pretty quickly.

AKA:  Daughter of Dracula.   

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #8: THE ASTROLOGER (1975) **

(Streamed via ConTV)

The Astrologer is the directorial debut of James Glickenhaus, the man who gave us The Exterminator.  It is nowhere near the immortal classic that film was.  However, watching it makes you appreciate how much he grew as a filmmaker in the years between the two movies.

Alexi (Bob Byrd) is the head of the “Interzod” program that uses astrology and computers to locate and identify those with “zodiacal potential”.  The latest Interzod report suggests that a cult leader from India named Kajerste (producer Mark Buntzman, director of Exterminator 2) just might be the Antichrist.  Another startling development:   Alexi’s wife Kate (Monica Tidwell from Nocturna) just may happen to be the second coming of the Virgin Mary.  Who will prevail in the ongoing struggle between good and evil?  

The beginning is weird, confusing, and stupid.  It shows still images of the moon landing while a narrator goes on and on about astrology.  It kind of reminded me of those old commercials for Time Life books.  “Did this movie really suck?  READ THE BOOK!”  The old school computer font used for the title cards is pretty sweet though.  

Every time it seemingly raises an interesting idea (like Alexi already knowing Kate is the Virgin Mother, marrying her, and then not giving her any in order to keep her virginal), it inevitably gets bogged down with more chitchat.  Sure, there’s an occasional moment of bloodletting and T & A, but they aren’t nearly enough to salvage the talky sections.  Speaking of T & A, there is at least one great scene where Tidwell goes to have her fortune told, only to be informed by the gypsy woman she’ll have to strip in order to have her palm read.  This is my kind of fortune telling!

Former Playboy Playmate Tidwell has a winning presence and makes for a likeable heroine.   Everyone else in the cast acts like a stuffed shirt.  Whenever Tidwell is on screen, The Astrologer is at the very least, watchable.  Whenever it slides into long, dull, talky tangents filled with pseudointellectual nonsensical psychobabble, it’s a severe drag.   The constant cutting back and forth from Alexi in D.C. to Kajerste in India only bogs the pace down more.  The total non-ending is a major letdown as well.  I’m sure Glickenhaus did everything he could to make a good movie with the limited means at his disposal, but it just wasn’t written in the stars.

AKA:  Suicide Cult.