SHANG-CHI AND THE LEGEND OF THE TEN RINGS (2021) ***

I can’t say Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings is one of the best films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but it is an interesting attempt to make a Marvel flick in the style of a Kung Fu movie.  (Or is it a Kung Fu movie done in the style of a Marvel flick?)  The prologue has a kind of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon feel to it, and the big Kung Fu set piece on a runaway bus plays like a Jackie Chan version of Speed.  Like most of these things, it’s pleasant and enjoyable, although the effects kind of overwhelm it by the time the end credits roll.  

Shaun (Simu Liu) looks like just another slacker valet.  In reality, he’s a badass named Shang-Chi who possesses the deadly hands of Kung Fu.  He’s hiding out from his warlord father (Tony Leung) who wants him to go into the family business of being a deadly assassin.  Naturally, he eventually comes looking for Shang-Chi to give him a new assignment, but can he really trust his dear old dad?  

The cast is uniformly strong.  Liu proves to be a solid action hero.  He’s capable in his fight scenes and handles his dramatic stuff in fine fashion.  Awkwafina dials down her usual shtick and makes for a decent sidekick.  Leung makes the biggest impression and has many more layers to him than your typical Marvel villain.  I also enjoyed seeing Florian (Creed 2) Munteanu as the badass henchman with a machete for an arm as well as Michelle Yeoh in the smallish role of Shang-Chi’s aunt.

There are some janky looking CGI here and there, but it’s nothing that takes you completely out of the moment.  The good news is the fight scenes are much better than your typical Marvel movie.  Many are done in long takes and camerawork during the fights are done with a steady hand, which is appreciated.  The final battle sequence plays like an Asian inspired version of the Wakanda scenes in Black Panther.  They work pretty well too, that is, until the cheesy dragon fight takes prevalence over the human drama and action.  Still, I guess these comic book spectacles are entitled to their over-the-top CGI sequences.  

Like any good Kung Fu flick, there’s a sequence set in an underground fight club.  Since it’s a Marvel jam, they all use superpowers.  It’s cheesy and garish, and reminded me of something out of an early ‘00s X-Men movie (and I mean that as a compliment).  This scene also figures a couple obligatory cameos just to remind you it’s all taking part within the larger scheme of the Marvel Universe.  There are other familiar faces that feel like fan service but are entertaining enough.

Overall, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings is about middle of the road as far as the MCU goes.  I’m sure we’ll see much more of him in the future, which is a good thing.  Maybe more Marvel movies will take a page from this one and deliver crisp and coherent action sequences.  

 Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

DON’T BREATHE 2 (2021) ****

The Blind Man (Stephen Lang) is back!  The man who did for turkey basters what Norman Bates did for showers returns to sock it to another bunch of home invaders stupid enough to trespass on the nutzo Navy SEAL’s property.  This time, it’s a gang of scuzzy ex-military black market organ harvesters who want to strip his adopted daughter (Madelyn Grace) for parts.  It does not take them long to realize they fucked with the wrong blind man.  

While there’s nothing here that comes close to matching the immortal turkey baster scene of Fede Alvarez’s original, I have to say that new director Rodo Sayagues creates a number of nifty sequences.  The scene where the home invaders stalk Grace is full of long takes that not only serve to heighten the suspense, but also map out the geography of the house for the audience.  There’s also a clever sequence in which she is locked inside a metal box that is slowly being filled with water as well as a harrowing bit involving a wheelchair and a machete.  My favorite part though was when Lang busted out some Krazy Glue on a perp, and for my money it’s the best Krazy Glue scene since Under Pressure with Charlie Sheen.   

I know some viewers took issue with the filmmakers trying to take such a despicable character from the original and make him out to be the hero in this one, but as we learned from The Chronicles of Riddick, sometimes you have to fight evil with another kind of evil.  I mean how can you argue with a movie’s morals when it takes its redemption arc nearly verbatim from the Return of the Jedi playbook?  As the Video Vacuum always says, “If you’ve got to steal from somebody, steal from the best!”

While it falls just shy of matching the insanity of the first movie, Don’t Breathe 2 is a worthy sequel.  It features more choice moments in one single suspense sequence than most sequels can muster in their entire running time.  In short, it will leave you breathless.   

DEEP THROAT PART 2 (1974) ½ *

It’s been a long time since I saw Deep Throat.  From what I seem to remember, Linda Lovelace had a clit in her throat, which why she had to suck so much dick.  This sequel is a SOFTCORE spy comedy.  The fact that it was directed by Joe Sarno gave me hope it would be memorable.  As it turns out, this Deep Throat is about as shallow as they come.  

Lovelace wakes up and does some nude exercises during the opening credits.  This is the best scene in the movie as it’s all downhill from there.  She gets naked frequently throughout the film and that’s about the only reason preventing it from getting a NO STAR rating.  

Once again, Linda plays a nurse.  This time, she works in a sex clinic helping patients live out their fantasies.  She gets hired by the government to find the creator of a computer with a human brain and get the lowdown on it.  Naturally, Russian agents are also after the computer.  

I don’t know if this was the only time a porno movie inspired an R rated sequel, but it was definitely the first.  I mean the original was so popular when it first came out that they probably could’ve released a blank screen under the Deep Throat name and still would’ve turned a profit.  Just because you CAN release a piece of shit merely to cash in on a popular name doesn’t mean you should.  

The comedy shit is painful to watch.  (Would it surprise you to learn that Lovelace’s code name is “Agent Double-O 69”?)  Even Jamie Gillis’ overacting can’t save it.  I guess if there was some hardcore action to counterbalance all this nonsense, it wouldn’t have been so bad.  Heck, even a handful of decent softcore scenes might’ve taken the sting out of it.  However, much of the sex usually happens offscreen and/or feels like it was abruptly edited out.  I’m not sure if it was neutered by distributors or always intended to be R rated, but the results are bafflingly bad.  (Even the dialogue scenes suffer from whack-a-doodle editing choices.)  It’s especially disappointing considering it was directed by the great Joe Sarno as it is by far the worst Sarno flick I’ve seen.  

Ultimately, Deep Throat Part 2 is a shameless, cheap, and stupid cash-in with no redeeming value, other than a few nude scenes from Linda Lovelace.  What’s worse, she doesn’t even get to show off her deep throat skills!  What a rip-off!

The finale, which features a chase scene involving a dog sled, roller skaters, and a chariot, is atrocious.  Eventually, everything devolves into a lame ass pie fight.  While it’s still not as out-and-out awful as Linda Lovelace for President, it’s still one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve sat through in a long time.  

Thirteen years later, the REAL Deep Throat Part 2 was released.   

ROCKY IV: ROCKY VS. DRAGO (2021) ****

When I heard Sylvester Stallone was preparing a director’s cut of Rocky IV, I got a little apprehensive.  Next to Star Wars, Rocky is my favorite film series of all time.  IV in particular is a favorite of mine, and I didn’t want to see it ruined.  While it isn’t perfect, it is fascinating for fans of the series as sort of an alternate universe version of the classic sequel.  It will never replace the original version by any means, but I’m glad it kept Stallone busy during the pandemic, even if the results are a bit of a mixed bag.  

First thing is first.  Yes, the robot is gone.  I knew this going in and had time to prepare myself, so it didn’t come as a total shock.  While I’m miffed the robot is nowhere to be seen, its absence helps tone down some of the zanier aspects of Rocky IV, which makes this director’s cut more in line tonally to Rocky V.  Some of the additions are nice (especially Apollo’s expanded role early on) and the final fight is a little more brutal (at least in the final round).  

Therein lies the problem:  You don’t want Rocky IV to be toned down.  You want it to revel in all its ‘80s excesses.  Not only is the robot gone, but also the entirety of Paulie’s birthday, which means his great birthday cake winds up on the cutting room floor.  Also, the following scene where Rocky gives Adrian her anniversary cake is gone.  These two consecutive scenes were always among my favorite unsung moments in the original version.  I mean, who eats TWO CAKES in the span of two minutes of screen time?  Not only that, but compliments to Rocky’s baker.  Their cake game was on point.  Imagine creating not one but TWO stellar cakes in the same day.  I like to see some of those contestants on those bake-off shows try to compete with that.

Like most director’s cuts, for every change I like there’s a change I don’t, which basically cancels it out. I liked Apollo’s new scenes, but Tony’s speech at his funeral was the real highlight.  I wish Sly had left that in as it sets up Tony’s mentor role later in the film.  I also dug the extra bit where the Soviets refuse Rocky the use of sparring partners, which explains why he trains alone in the middle of nowhere.  Whereas Carl Weathers’ role was greatly expanded here, Brigitte Neilsen’s role has been drastically reduced, possibly due to criticism Stallone faced for casting his wife in a sizeable role.  Dolph Lundgren gets a little more to do in this version, but there’s nothing really significant.   

The thing with Rocky IV is that it is like its main character:  It doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it.  The additions Stallone made to the director’s cut are nice for Rocky fans (of which, I’m one of the biggest), but ultimately, I have to side with Sly’s initial gut instinct to trim it down to the purest essentials.  At its heart, Rocky vs. Drago is still Rocky IV, so of course, I freaking love it.  Having said that, I don’t know if I’ll ever revisit it again.  It remains a fascinating, if flawed do-over, and I’m glad it exists.  

AKA:  Rocky IV:  Rocky vs. Drago:  The Ultimate Director’s Cut.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #22: ART OF THE DEAD (2019) ***

(Streamed via Jungo+)

Last year for The 31 Movies of Horror-Ween, I watched the highly enjoyable horror-comedy Bus Party to Hell starring Tara Reid.  Since I’m already a fan of writer/director Rolfe Kanefsky, I figured I would give their follow-up, Art of the Dead a whirl this year as part of The Roku Horror Picture Show.  While it falls short of the minor classic that is Bus Party to Hell, it is a fun and entertaining horror flick in its own right.  

The opening is surprisingly effective.  An art collector (Richard Greico) finally completes his coveted collection of animal paintings (all of which are based on the seven deadly sins) which slowly drive him to murder his entire family.  Gina (Jessica Morris) then acquires the paintings at an auction, unaware of their tainted legacy.  Pretty soon, she and her family fall under the paintings’ deadly spell and become imbued with each painting’s particular sin.  

The cast is solid all the way through.  Greico in particular shows he still has some strong chops and makes his brief screen time memorable and impactful.  Ally Holmes does a fine job too as the girlfriend who tries to save the family from destroying themselves.  It was also good to see Skinamax staple Robert Donavan (who appeared in many of Kanefsky’s late-night cable flicks) as the one-eyed priest who knows the paintings are cursed.  Reid isn’t bad either as the art gallery owner who auctions off the paintings.  She isn’t given a whole lot to do, but at least gets more screen time here than she did in Bus Party to Hell.    

Parts of Art of the Dead are sloppy and uneven, but the movie has some surprises up its sleeve, especially in the third act, so make sure you stay with it.  The gory highlights help to keep things on track, even when the plot starts spinning its wheels.  The scene where a guy drinks himself until he literally bursts is worthy of a Leprechaun movie, and the part where the budding artist of the family scours the seamy side of town to look for vict… err… subjects to paint felt like a modern riff on The Brain That Wouldn’t Die.  Heck, the scenes that take place inside the paintings even reminded me a bit of Kanefsky’s Emmanuelle storybook spoof, Adventures into the Woods:  The Musical.     

I don’t know about art, but I know what I like.  While Art of the Dead is no masterpiece, it’s a fun little chiller that delivers the goods.  I say Van Gough see it.

AKA:  Seven Deadly Sins.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990) *

Since George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead quickly fell into the public domain after its initial release, he didn’t see a dime from its massive success.  Twenty-two years later, he finally cashed in with this terrible remake that is just as bad if not worse than many of the zombie films that were inspired by the original.  The plot is more or less the same.  The dead rise from the grave and eat the living.  A band of survivors hole up at an old farmhouse and try to make it through the night, if they can stop their endless bickering that is.  

You would think that with a script by Romero and his usual special effects maestro Tom Savani at the helm, this remake would’ve worked like gangbusters.  As it turns out, it’s a soulless bore that looks and feels like it was churned out for a quick buck.  Savani’s direction is flat and straightforward, which would be fine if he delivered on the gore.  You’d think a man who made his living on devising increasingly gruesome and gory ways to off someone would’ve loaded their directorial debut to the gills with gore.  That might’ve been the case, but since the MPAA cut it to ribbons, we’ll never know.  Nary a gut is munched, which is a goddamned shame.  To make matters worse, this Night features some rather terrible effects, with some of the most obviously phony prop heads in screen history.  How did a special effects guru like Savani let something like this slip?

As much as I think Savani dropped the ball here, I have to say Romero should shoulder much of the blame.  His original script (co-written by John Russo) was ripe with political commentary, anger, and a wicked streak a mile long.  This one is as lifeless and shambling as the zombies.  What’s worse is that the ending has been drastically changed, or as I like to say, COMPLETELY RUINED.  When you remove any kind of political subtext from Night of the Living Dead, what you’re left with is just another forgettable zombie flick. 

Romero also throws all subtlety out the window.  Barbara’s final line could’ve easily gone unsaid, and the audience would’ve gotten the message loud and clear.  Romero, however, hammers it home like so many nails in the boarded-up farmhouse in the movie.  Also, the scene where Ben screams, “This is Hell on Earth!” and Savani cuts to flames flickering in the fireplace offers one of the film’s few unintentional laughs.  The occasional chortle here and there saves it from being a complete disgrace, but the lack of scares, gore, and/or subtext makes this Night feel more like an exercise in futility.   

It doesn’t help that ALL the characters are completely unlikeable.  I know Harry is supposed to be a jerk, but you even have a hard time rooting for Ben in this one as he hollers and bitches about shit nearly as much.  Also, Barbara’s transformation from callow crybaby to a gun-toting coldblooded killer is almost laughable.  I know Romero was trying to make up for having Barbara being so wishy-washy in the original but having her abruptly turn into a Ripley clone halfway through is just ridiculous.   

In short, shoot this one in the head.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #21: FACES OF DEATH 2 (1981) **

(Streamed via The Halloween Channel)

The video box for Faces of Death 2 messed me up as a child.  It scared me so much that every time I went to our local mom and pop video store, I practically had to avert my eyes from the row that proudly displayed the Faces of Death franchise.  The boxes for the other films in the series weren’t that bothersome to me, but the artwork for 2 really got under my skin.  I think it was the doctor wearing the mask that got to me.  Since people wearing masks is commonplace nowadays (or at least you would hope so), I think it’s finally time I faced my fears and watched Faces of Death 2.  

After a title sequence featuring paramedics hauling away dead bodies, “Dr. Francis B. Gross” appears on screen to take us on a tour of funeral homes.  Other segments revolve around Hindu cremation ceremonies, a German burn ward, avalanches, the death of boxer Johnny Owen, various mishaps and accidents involving daredevils and stuntmen, airplane and train crashes, war atrocities, drugs, cannibals, a Wild West collector who keeps the pickled head of a cowboy on display, and a firing squad.

Some of this is obviously phony (like the hold-up sequence), but the real scenes certainly have a kick to them (like the segment on Owen).  However, the senseless scenes of animal cruelty, slaughter, and experimentation were totally unnecessary.  It’s one thing to have a morbid curiosity about the nature of death in humans.  It’s pretty reprehensible to rub the audience’s noses in wanton animal abuse.  While these sequences are mostly brief (although they will probably feel a lot longer for sensitive viewers), they leave a bad taste in your mouth, and unfortunately make Faces of Death 2 easily skippable for the faint of heart.  Even as a sequel to the most notorious mondo movie of all time, it comes up a bit short.  Still, it’s hard to completely dismiss, based on the boxing segment alone.

I usually don’t comment on the commercials I see on these Roku channels, but I had to commend whoever programmed the commercials to accompany this feature.  Almost all of them are speeding PSAs featuring accident victims urging motorists to slow down.  One thing is for sure, The Halloween Channel’s algorithm is spot-on, if, a bit in poor taste (which sure as hell goes along with the movie).