FREAKY (2020) *** ½

You can tell the filmmakers really wanted to make Freaky Friday the 13th, a mashup of Freaky Friday and Friday the 13th.  The fact that Freaky Friday is owned by Disney and Friday the 13th is owned by Paramount (not to mention the fact it was made at Universal) probably prevented an official crossover from taking place.  That didn’t stop them from making the movie though, as they tweaked things just enough to avoid a lawsuit (or two).

“The Blissfield Butcher” (Vince Vaughn) is a serial killer who wears a wooden mask that is shaped very similarly to Jason’s.  Every Homecoming, he murders high school students in a small town.  When he stabs the Final Girl, Millie (Kathryn Newton) with a magic knife, they swap bodies.  Since the killer is in the body of a beautiful high school girl, she pretty much has free reign to go around and kill.  It’s then up to the Butcher to convince Millie’s friends it’s really her in his body before more people wind up dead.

The opening scene has a very cool Friday the 13th vibe and features some world-class kills that involve a bottle of wine, a toilet seat, and a tennis racket.  It would’ve been interesting to see how this would’ve played out if it was a legit Jason movie.  I mean the Friday the 13th series has already ripped off Frankenstein, Carrie, The Hidden, Evil Dead, and Alien, so ripping off Freaky Friday isn’t too much of a stretch.

However, if this was an official sequel, we would’ve been swindled out of a great performance by Vince Vaughn.  He’s intimidating as the killer, but once he becomes host to Newton’s character, he is a real treat to watch.  He resists the temptation to playing a caricature and exudes an air of femineity that is just pitch perfect.  Likewise, Newton is a lot of fun as the hulking killer trapped in a teenage girl’s body.  Her body language and facial expressions while having to put up with her annoying classmates and teachers are priceless.  I can’t quite say it’s as good as Travolta or Cage playing each other in Face/Off, but it’s definitely up there. 

Some touches will make you scratch your head.  Like why does the school have a cryogenic freezer in the girls’ locker room?  The answer of course, is that if there wasn’t a cryogenic freezer in the girls’ locker room, then they couldn’t have done a homage to Jason X, that’s why.  While the film is a lot of fun, at one-hundred-and-two minutes, it’s a little on the long side and probably has one climax too many.  These are really minor quibbles in the long run, especially seeing how Freaky adheres to the Video Vacuum’s #1 Horror Movie Rule:  If you’ve got to cut someone in half, cut them in half LENGTHWISE.

SCREAM (2022) ** ½

After an eleven-year absence, the serial killer Ghostface returns to the small town of Woodsboro to carve up more teenagers who are obsessed with horror movies.  Since these kids have been weaned on “elevated horror”, Ghostface has to quiz them on good old slasher flicks before he moves in for the kill.  Naturally, it’s only a matter of time before the original Woodsboro Final Girl, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) arrives on the scene to put an end to Ghostface’s reign of terror.

Scream is the fifth entry in the long-running Scream franchise.  If you’re wondering why they waited eleven years to make a sequel after the subpar fourth film, or even better, why they bothered to make another one in the first place, don’t worry.  Like The Matrix Resurrections, this Scream is a rebuke to toxic fandom.  Also, like The Matrix Resurrections, a lot of time is spent on characters gratuitously explaining to other characters important plot details and/or spoon-feeding the explanation to the audience as a way to show the filmmakers’ distain for fanboys who didn’t like the way the sequels to their beloved franchise came out.   And like The Matrix Resurrections, all of this is done in a very meta sort of way that is kind of charming.  

As the other films in the series skewered horror movies, sequels, and remakes, this Scream is a riff on the legacy sequel.  You know, like Halloween (2018) or The Force Awakens, where the original characters you knew and loved take a backseat to new characters you never quite warm up to.  I guess it goes without saying that the scenes involving Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, and David Arquette are a lot more involving and (dare I say) emotional than the shit with the new cast members.  I’m not saying the fresh meat is bad or anything.  They are certainly more tolerable than the young cast from Part 4.  However, the pacing drags considerably whenever the new leads are at the forefront.  

The good news is, new directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett (Ready or Not) can talk the talk.  The scenes where the characters spout off the new rules for the “re-quel” are a lot of fun.  They certainly have a lot to say about the new “elevated horror” trend as well as the legacy sequels they are poking fun at.  When it comes to walking the walk… well… you can’t top the master, Wes Craven.  The stalking scenes, while bloodier and a bit more graphic than the previous films, lack the flair Craven brought to the series.  They do a fine job setting the scene with the requisite opening slasher sequence (that at least has one notable twist) as well as deliver a fairly decent, if a bit talky finale (although this is a Scream movie, so what did you expect?).  I just wish the stalking sequences in the second act were as good.  

The big stumbling block is keeping the so-called “legacy” characters on the sideline for much of the movie.  Like the new Star Wars trilogy, the original trio of characters don’t get a whole lot of screen time, and even then, they aren’t exactly utilized all that well.  The best thing I can say is that when they were on screen, whether it was nostalgia or goodwill talking, it was truly great to see them.  I just wish they were there to drive the story and not serve it.  And while I will keep away from spoiler territory, there was at least one legacy cast member that I didn’t expect to see at all, and when they showed up, I kind of half-cheered, even if their appearance(s) were a bit goofy.  

So, for a decade late “legacy sequel”, you can do a lot worse than Scream.  Few franchises get a fifth entry that actually feels like a worthy continuation.  Even if it’s not exactly the Scream I was hoping for, it’s a solid, if unspectacular slasher, and frankly, the world needs more of those.

GORGON VIDEO MAGAZINE VOL. 2 (1990) ***

Michael Berryman is your host for the second (and sadly, final) volume of Gorgon Video’s compilation tapes.  It’s a shame the series never continued because over thirty years later, they make for an interesting time capsule for horror fans.  Heck, this never even got an official release, so I guess we should be thankful for what we got.

Stuart Gordon is the subject of the first segment.  He fondly reminisces about working at Empire Pictures and talks about his troubles with the ratings board.  They show the infamous “head” scene from Re-Animator, highlights from Dolls and Robot Jox, and a clip from one of the short films he made when he was a kid.  He also talks about his next film, The Pit and the Pendulum, which he says will star Peter O’Toole and Billy Dee Williams.  Sadly, those guys wound up not starring in the movie, but it’s fun to imagine how that would’ve played out if it came to fruition.

The next segment is on magicians/comedians Penn and Teller who introduce clips from their upcoming film, Penn and Teller Get Killed.  (Directed by Arthur Penn!)  The highlight is when they show you how they did their particularly gruesome trick on Comic Relief.  We then move onto a brief segment on Halloween.  A short clip of the original is shown and Halloween 5:  The Revenge of Michael Myers director Dominique Othenin-Girard is briefly interviewed.  (“We are dealing with the youth of TODAY!”)

Special effects god, Screaming Mad George is up next.  He takes us on a tour of his make-up shop, shows off some of his paintings, and talks about his influences.  Highlights from his amazing work in Curse 2:  The Bite and some footage from one of his musical performances are also shown.  

The next segment features a “Gore-Met” who tells you how to make your own stage blood.  His formula is pretty standard, and he’s kind of annoying.  I would’ve much rather seen how Screaming Mad George does it.

Paragon Arts is the subject of the next sequence.  They show clips from their films Witchboard, Night of the Demons, and their latest production, Night Angel (which was directed by Othenin-Girard, who also shows up again).  This is followed by a short bit about Zap Comix.  It feels a little out of place, but it’s worth it just for the brief interview with R. Crumb.  Most of the time is spent on S. Clay Wilson though

Like the first volume, there’s another review corner segment.  He reviews Deadly Obsession, Return of the Living Dead, Deranged, and Suspiria.  Then, the Gore-Met returns for another blood recipe before Brian Yuzna shows up to take Gorgon on tour of the set of The Bride of Re-Animator.  David Gale and a very tired looking Jeffrey Combs are interviewed, Screaming Mad George is glimpsed working on effects, and Johnny Legend appears briefly.

Things start winding down during the long sequence of a necking couple at a drive-in.  They make lame jokes and watch clips from Horror Hotel and The Devil’s Partner.  Then there’s a short film showcase, and the tape concludes with a trailer for Puppet Master. 

This volume is fun for a while.  However, it runs out of steam once it starts veering away from the interview subjects.  It would’ve made for a good hour-long video, but at nearly ninety minutes, it ultimately goes on way too long.  Still, it’s worth watching for the segments on Gordon, George, and Yuzna. 

KEKKO KAMEN RETURNS (2004) ** ½

I’ve never been much of an anime guy.  However, the one naked cartoon I did have time for was Kekko Kamen, the superheroine who hides her face behind a mask, but shows her body for all to see when she fights crime.  (Sample lyrics from the theme song:  “No one knows her name, but everyone knows her body!”)  If you’re sick and tired of the recent glut of superhero movies, Kekko Kamen Returns, a live-action version of the cartoon just might be the tonic you’ve been looking for.  

The plot revolves around a girls’ swim team.  The head of an evil corporation worms his way into coaching the team so he can perv on the girls.  When he finds out one of the girls can’t swim, he puts her through a series of tortures.  Whenever things look bad for the girls, the nude crimefighter Kekko Kamen springs into action.  Wearing her trademark red mask and nothing else, and wielding her trusty nunchucks, Kekko kicks some serious ass.  

This looks like it had a lower budget than your average porno.  That’s part of the charm though.  While it’s way too uneven to be considered a classic or anything, there are some genuinely bizarre touches that demand respect.  Take for instance the use of flashbacks, which are shown in the form of a finger puppet show.  Or the fact that the villain’s sidekick wears a frog costume… just because.

I guess it goes without saying that the stuff that doesn’t hinge on nude crimefighting pales in comparison.  The long scenes of girls in bathing suits doing calisthenics and swimming are an OK substitute, but even then, the film has a tendency to repeat itself.  Even with a relatively scant running time of seventy minutes, there’s still a lot of padding here.  The subplot about the ghost that haunts the pool is especially befuddling.  

However, for fans of nude fight scenes, Kekko Kamen Returns is hard to beat.  (Even if they unfortunately obscure her nether regions.)  While some of the nude action sequences are a long time coming, they are often worth the wait.  In one scene, Kekko hypnotizes a goon by shooting light out of her pussy before knocking him out with her nunchucks.  The best part happens during the finale when she suffocates the bad guy with her vagina, a move that is appropriately called, “Muffication”!

I’d like to see one of the Eternals try to do that.

AKA:  Kekko Kamen 2.

ETERNALS (2021) * ½

Man, if you told me like twenty years ago, two world-class foxes like Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie were going to be in a superhero movie, I would’ve been like, “Sign me up!”  Unfortunately, instead of giving them a property that would've been fun and entertaining, like Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, they get stuck starring in this boring, joyless slog.  

The Eternals are like gods from outer space who were sent to Earth thousands of years ago to oversee man’s evolution.  The only time they are allowed to interfere with his progress is when reject monsters from a SYFY Channel Original come out of the sea and wreak havoc.  Then, they can do superhero shit.  Flashforward to the present where the group has gone their separate ways.  After thousands of years, the SYFY monsters have returned, and they have to get the band back together to fight some more CGI beasties.  

Eternals is a rare misstep for Marvel.  It feels like their attempt to do a DC movie.  That would be fine if the Marvel brand of humor and spectacle still applied.  However, this is one of the dreariest, self-important superhero flicks I have sat through in some time.  

It doesn’t help that the characters have zero personality and derivative powers.  There’s a guy who can fly and shoot lasers out of their eyes (like Superman), one gal can run real fast (like The Flash), Salma can heal herself (like Wolverine), and Angie is basically a warrior woman (like Wonder Woman).  Then, there are some team members who are truly Mystery Men-worthy.  One gal turns objects into… rose petals?!?  At least that’s different.  Stupid, but different.  One dude… builds… things?  Another guy’s big thing is filming everything with a camera everywhere he goes.  What is this, the ‘90s?  At least spring for an iPhone.  

Between the shoddy monster fights, we are treated to massive exposition dumps and flashbacks to ancient times that are supposed to I guess fill in the backstory, but all it does is make the narrative even more jumbled.  I know there was a lot of hype about the so-called superhero sex scene.  However, it is completely underwhelming and lasts only a few seconds.  I guess the point they were trying to make is that superhuman sex is just like… regular sex?  Or something.  I don’t know.  For all the talk, it’s not a patch on the superhero sex scene in Watchmen.  Now THERE was a superhero sex scene!

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Eternals:  * ½ 

CHERRY HILL HIGH (1977) ** ½

Five high school girls go on a two-week long bicycling trip the summer before going away to college.  While camping, they learn that they are all virgins and soon set out to pop their cherries.  To make things interesting, they hold a contest to see who can lose their virginity in the most original way.  To their surprise, their seemingly square chaperone (Linda McInerney) helps them on their quest to get laid.  

One girl hooks up with a shark wrestler who makes a lot of terrible shark puns before they do it in a shark tank.  Another picks up a motorcyclist wearing a helmet that winds up being Mary (Abigail Lesley is Back in Town) Mendum.  Later, she gives it a shot with a real man when she gives head to a race car driver during a race on a figure 8 track.  The French girl gets deflowered by a “ghost” in a haunted house (in a coffin, no less).  The teacher even gets in on the action by seducing the owner of a vineyard and balling in a vat of grapes.  (Lucy, eat your heart out!)  There’s also an odd scene involving a guy in a chicken costume at a Let’s Make a Deal-style game show.  The highlight though is when a girl gets it on with an “alien”.    

You have to deal with a lot of lame comedy and nature scenes in the beginning but stick with it.  It gets better as it goes along.  Whenever things threaten to get slow, there’s a topless swimming scene, a topless water fight, and/or plenty of softcore sex to keep your attention from waning.  

Overall, there are some good moments, just not enough to push it over the top.  I liked that all the girls stand around and watch their friends deflowered and give them ratings as if it was a swim meet.  However, many of the scenes are too dark, but that was probably the fault of the print I saw.  The dubbing is also so bad in the outdoor scenes that you’d swear it was one of those ‘70s German sex comedies.  While Cherry Hill High is repetitive (the recap of all the girls’ conquests at the end wasn’t necessary) and slight, it’s still fairly amusing and has just enough skin to make it semi-recommended.  

Director Alex E. Goitein was also responsible for the inane Cheerleaders Beach Party.  

KRONOS (1957) ***

Scientist Jeff (This Island Earth) Morrow tracks what he believes to be an asteroid falling to Earth.  It lands down in Mexico and he and his colleagues go and check it out.  Eventually, a giant box-shaped robot emerges from the sea, and it begins to blaze a path towards Los Angeles.  Along the way, it destroys power plants, gaining energy and strength, and it’s up to Morrow to stop it before it reaches our nuclear stockpiles.  

Morrow makes for an ideal lead, playing yet another variation on his usual upstanding scientist role.  Barbara Lawrence is a nice match for him as the love interest/scientist who keeps trying (and failing) to get Morrow to forget all that science jazz and take her to the movies.  John Emery is also strong as his colleague who comes under control of the alien visitor.  The scene where it hops from body to body and controls the human it resides in for its own sinister purposes probably inspired The Hidden.  Instead of a slimy monster that slithers from mouth to mouth, the special effect is nothing more than a light shining on the actors’ faces.  (Although when it dies, a bunch of liquid shoots out of Emery’s mouth, which is pretty cool.)

Speaking of low-key special effects, the robot is a bit of a letdown as it looks like a performance art version of a water cooler.  While its design leaves something to be desired, the havoc he causes is pretty sweet.  I especially liked the scenes where the robot stomps on civilians with its cylindrical legs.    

Directed by Kurt (The Fly) Neumann, Kronos is a fun mix of ‘50s Sci-Fi and giant monster movie.  It runs a tight seventy-eight minutes, and Neumann keeps things going at a steady clip.  While it never quite kicks into fourth gear, it is consistently entertaining, and fans of the genre should heartily enjoy it.    

AKA:  Kronos:  Ravager of Planets.  AKA:  Kronos, Destroyer of the Universe.