THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #24: RETURN TO… RETURN TO NUKE ‘EM HIGH AKA: VOL. 2 (2017) **

(Streamed via The Halloween Channel)

The title of Troma’s Return to… Return to Nuke ‘Em High AKA:  Vol. 2 is a little unwieldy and chaotic.  That’s okay because it perfectly suits the movie itself.  Following up the fun Return to Nuke ‘Em High Vol.1 was an unenviable task.  Although this belated (even though they were shot simultaneously) sequel is an often disjointed mess, there are some truly memorable moments here to still make it worth a look for Troma fans.  

Heck, the first scene qualifies it as some kind of manic classic.  It’s a fun, gory, and surreal rip-off of the shower scene in Carrie.  While it’s pretty much all downhill from there, this scene will be etched into my brain for months to come.

After being raped by a duck in Vol. 1, Lauren (Catherine Corcoran) gives birth to a mutant duck baby.  She and her lover Chrissy (Asta Paredes) ease into their parenting roles surprisingly well, all things considered.  The couple’s bliss is soon shattered when the glee club-turned-gang of mutant bikers, The Cretins kidnap Lauren and her newborn.  Meanwhile, the head of Tromorganic (Lloyd Kaufman, who also directed) turns into a fire-breathing mutant monster and it’s up to Lauren’s duck monster boyfriend, Kevin to save the day.

Like most Troma sequels, Return to… Return is heavily padded with flashbacks to the other movies in the series. The editing is slapdash at best, and the whole thing feels cobbled together from leftovers from the previous film.  “Meta” scenes of Kaufman arguing with his wife (and producer) about editing gore and dicks out of the final cut feel more like a way to pad things out than anything.  (Extra padding occurs in the form of outtakes and even a musical number over the credits.)

Overall, it’s less assured and certainly messier than Vol. 1.  Despite a grand set-up, it pretty much falls apart in the second act.  At least the gross FX, dumb gags, and abundance of T & A keep it from completely spinning off the rails.  

Your enjoyment of the film may hinge on your ability to go with all the duck stuff.  I’m not sure why Kaufman leaned so hard into the duck humor.  If I had to guess, I’d say it was the natural progression of the foul humor (no pun intended) of Poultrygeist.  Who knows?

Monique Dupree gets the best line when she sees Corcoran giving birth in the shower and screams, “She’s not dying!  She’s dilating!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #23: TAG (2015) *** ½

(Streamed via Horror Movies by Fawesome)

I first became aware of Tag when they played a clip from the opening scene on an episode of The Soup.  It involves a bus full of Japanese schoolgirls on a field trip that wind up being cut in half by an unseen force.  This jaw-dropping bravura set piece features some janky CGI in some spots, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t work.  This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the film’s unexpected, surreal, and gory sequences.

Tag is sort of like a mix of Evil Dead, Final Destination, and The Butterfly Effect.  A Japanese schoolgirl runs afoul of mysterious forces that cause her classmates to die in horrifically ghoulish ways.   Just when she thinks she’s escaped death’s grasp and everything has returned to normal, she finds herself in an alternate universe where yet another grim fate awaits those around her.  

Tag is full of spectacular carnage and over the top gore.  The film contains a wonderful scene where a Japanese schoolgirl takes a crocodile to the crotch, as well as one of the greatest wedding scenes in movie history.  There is a school shooting sequence that may be too much for some viewers to take, however, so fair warning.  Some of the stuff in between the gruesome set pieces feels a tad like padding, but since these scenes include several instances of Japanese schoolgirls getting into slow motion pillow fights, it’s hard to lodge a complaint.  The camerawork is also impressive as it is at times reminiscent of both Raimi and Kubrick.  

The ending is a little on the underwhelming side, but then again, anyone would be hard-pressed to tie together all these wildly disparate sequences in a satisfying manner.  That doesn’t necessarily diminish the overall impact as it certainly fits the unpredictable tone throughout the rest of the film.  Tag may have its flaws, but this is one movie I had no idea where it was going from one scene to the next.   Even if some parts didn’t work, I didn’t care as being along for the ride was part of the fun.  

AKA:  Tag:  A High School Splatter Film.  AKA:  Real Tag.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #22: DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW 2: STRAWEYES (2022) **

(Streamed via Vudu)

The Made for TV Movie, Dark Night of the Scarecrow has its share of ardent followers.  I never found it to be particularly great, but it was better than many similar ‘80s TV horror flicks.  Considering the film’s cult following, it seems odd that they waited forty-one years to make this low budget DTV sequel.  As far as forty years too late sequels go, it’s not terrible or anything.  I’ve certainly seen worse this month, that’s for sure.

Chris (Amber Wedding) and her son Jeremy (Aiden Shurr) move from the big city to a small rural farming community.  They aren’t in town very long when several people begin turning up dead.  Could the local killer scarecrow legend be to blame?  

I can’t tell if Dark Night of the Scarecrow 2:  Straweyes is trying to honor the Made for TV feel of the original by having most of the kills occur offscreen or what, but the results are kind of weak.  When we seldom do see the carnage left by the killer scarecrow, it’s pretty tame.  In his defense, writer/director J.D. Feigelson (who also wrote the original) does set up the kills in a competent manner and manages to sometimes punctate them with a clever touch.  (Like when the farmer’s glass eye pops out.)  I just wish he hadn’t been so frugal with the red stuff.

Had we had some quality kills, it might’ve been easier to overlook some of the film’s other shortcomings.  The biggest drawback is the fact that it withholds its connection to the original for a good chunk of the running time.  The whole Witness Protection subplot eats up a lot of screen time too.  This shit wouldn’t have cut it on a lackluster episode of Nash Bridges, let alone a four decades later DTV sequel to a Made for TV horror movie.

AKA:  Dark Night of the Scarecrow 2.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #21: THE SKELETON OF MRS. MORALES (1960) ** ½

(Streamed via Dark Matter TV)

Mr. Morales (Arturo de Cordova) is a perpetually henpecked husband who is married to a real shrew (Amparo Rivelles).  He finally has enough of his nagging wife’s shit and decides to poison her.  Since Mr. Morales is a taxidermist by trade, he proudly displays the bones of Mrs. Morales in his storefront window, practically begging for the suspicious townsfolk to call the cops.  Naturally, he is arrested, fools everyone at the trial, and eventually gets away with murder.  After the trial, he confesses his crime to his local padre (and main accuser), who informs him he will soon face the wrath of God for his deeds.

Directed in atmospheric fashion by Rogelio A. (Ship of Monsters) Gonzalez, The Skeleton of Mrs. Morales is a beautiful looking film.  The cinematography is excellent and some of the camerawork is quite impressive (especially in the final scene).  In fact, there are moments that may make you think of both Alfred Hitchcock and Mario Bava.   

Ultimately, the story is a bit one-note and predictable to be fully effective.  It would’ve made for a gangbusters half-hour episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents or The Twilight Zone, but at feature length, it has a tendency to drag (particularly in the second act).  Although the twist is telegraphed ahead of time, it is nevertheless well executed by Gonzalez.  I won’t spoil it for you.  I’ll just say it’s the sort of thing you have seen dozens of variations of before in similar films, although to be fair, it’s done better here than in lots of better known movies.

The acting is a bit maudlin and hammy, which helps prevent it from really kicking into gear.  Both de Cordova and Rivelles go over the top at times, which doesn’t necessarily endear them to the audience.  With no one to sympathize with or root for, we are essentially just along for the ride and await the guilty party to get their just desserts.

Bottom Line:  Despite having a bone (or two) to pick with the film, The Skeleton of Mrs. Morales is a solid little horror chiller.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #20: THE MUNSTERS (2022) * ½

(Streamed via Netflix)

When I heard Rob Zombie was directing a reboot of The Munsters, I was optimistic.  I mean his best song, “Dragula” was inspired by The Munsters’ race car, so who would be more qualified to bring the beloved monster family into the 21st century?  Sadly, it’s just a fucking mess.

It's an origin story, which I guess wasn’t the worst way to go, but it takes an inordinate amount of time to get going.  In fact, Herman (Jeff Daniel Phillips) doesn’t even show up until about a half-hour into the flick as all that running time is devoted to a mad scientist (Richard Brake) putting together parts of dead bodies to bring him to life.  

Sadly, once Herman finally shows up, he’s freaking annoying.  Gone is the Fred Gwynne iteration of the character.  Phillips’ take on the character is a guy who’s basically an unfunny stand-up comedian.  I know it’s mostly a kids movie and all, but Herman’s constant one-liners wouldn’t have cut it on the back of a box of Franken Berry.  

At least Sheri Moon Zombie is able to channel Yvonne DeCarlo’s old persona while infusing it with her own sensibilities, making Lily a joy to watch.  Daniel Roebuck isn’t bad as “The Count”.  I appreciate they didn’t even try to make him like “Grandpa” as there’s only one Al Lewis, but his material is as equally creaky as Herman’s and his jokes are mostly groaners.

Swindled out of their ancestral castle in Transylvania, The Munsters are forced to relocate to their more familiar residence at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.  And, uh, well… that’s about it as far as the plot goes.  Not that a Munsters movie necessarily needs a strong plot, but it needs… SOMETHING to string together all the bad jokes and awful puns.  What’s more, the villainess (Catherine Schell) never has any real interaction with the family.  Since there’s no confrontation or tension between them, there’s nothing to really advance the plot.  

That is, besides Lily and Herman’s courtship scenes.  Too bad they are almost unbearable.  Once the Lily and Herman music video for “I Got You Babe” was in full swing, I kind of mentally checked out from the entire movie.  

Another thing:  It’s kind of hard to get past the film’s garish, ugly, and oversaturated look.  The whole thing looks like a puke-stained Day-Glo Basil Gogos painting.  Some of the visual quirks work (like the Creepshow-inspired backgrounds for some of the close-ups) are neat, but the majority of it just feels like an assault on the eyeballs.

Also, there’s no Eddie!  How can you make The Munsters without Eddie Munster?  ARGH. 

VERY CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE FOURTH KIND (1978) ***

If you took Revenge of the Nerds, Private Lessons, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind, threw them in a blender, and cranked the setting to “Italian Comedy”, then you might have something approximating Very Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind.  

Three college pals pull a prank on their sexy astrology teacher (Maria Baxa) and are expelled.  (In their defense, it was a pretty cool prank as they substitute naked slides during her presentation so that when she talks about a “black hole”, it shows a bare butt.)  Knowing their teacher has a thing for UFOs, they decide to dress up as aliens and try to seduce her.  Much to their delight, she willingly submits to the extraterrestrial in-and-out.  (“We are guinea pigs to them…  If they want to study my body, they can do what they please!”)  Eventually, she convinces her hot friend (Monica Zanchi) to join in on the interstellar probing.  When the trio of pseudo-aliens bang Maddalena (Marina Daumia) the sexy wife of a hunter (Mario Maranzana), he goes out looking for them with a shotgun.  

Since this is an Italian comedy, much of the so-called comic hijinks are lame.  Even worse is that they are usually punctuated with annoyingly juvenile music.  That’s okay though because you can always just turn down the sound and enjoy the silly and sexy sci-fi shenanigans.  The alien costumes are pretty well done (they look like a cross between the Gimp costume from Pulp Fiction and a low budget Star Wars Darth Vader knockoff, but with purple dildos on their heads), and the encounters themselves are surprisingly decent.  

Seeing Baxa slowly getting turned on by her E.T. encounters is real a treat.  There’s an especially great scene where the aliens get scared off by the hunter, leaving Baxa and Zanchi all hot and bothered.  Eventually, they decide to fulfill their desires with one other.  And just when the encounters threaten to get repetitive, the film decides to spice things up with some even racier material (like when the aliens probe their teacher with their dildo helmet).  I’m not going to pretend this is high art or anything, but if you have a fetish for aliens in S & M gear fondling nude Italian bombshells, you will find Very Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind to be out of this world.

AKA:  The Coming of Aliens.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #19: CLAWS (1977) **

(Streamed via Creature Features)

The Brain That Wouldn’t Die’s Jason Evers stars as a logger who is mauled by a bear.  Five years go by, and he still is unable to let it go.  His wife finally has enough of his bitter and hateful ways and takes his son to start a new life.  However, when his son is attacked by the same “Satan Bear”, Evers finally mans up and goes out for revenge.  

Claws is one of those When Animals Attack flicks that were so popular in the late ‘70s after the success of Jaws.  Oh, and the title rhymes with Jaws just in case you didn’t already pick up on that.  This one also came in the wake of Grizzly, a far superior killer bear movie.  Even though parts (OK, most) of Claws are laughable, dumb, and confusing, I’ll be damned if there aren’t a few moments when it almost works.  

The biggest drawback is its structure, which relies heavily on the use flashbacks.  The second act is particularly spotty as characters have flashbacks left and right.  All these scenes are mostly there to flesh out their motivations, but honestly, they are really unnecessary as the exposition-heavy dialogue makes many of the flashbacks redundant.

The way the nature footage of grizzly bears is edited into the action is pretty funny though.  The film stock rarely matches in these scenes as some of the wildlife shots are tinted and/or faded, which further makes them stick out like a sore thumb.  Plus, the print I saw was already in shambles to begin with, which didn’t help.  Just when you think you’ve reached your limit with all scenes of the hunting party traipsing through the woods, there is a great payoff involving the Native American guide having a trippy freakout that is good for some unintentional laughs.  

If you can stomach all the corny flashbacks (including a slow-motion romantic interlude in a field), boring custody drama, Native American mumbo jumbo, and sloppy editing, the kill scenes are sporadically effective.  The best one involves a bunch of Cub Scouts camping in the woods who cry wolf about seeing the “Satan Bear”.  Naturally, the real bear shows up later on and tears their camp to shreds.  The editing in this sequence is surprisingly strong (especially compared to the other attack scenes in the movie) and the carnage is rather jaw-dropping.  Although much of Claws is sloppy, shoddy, and idiotic, this sequence, as the kids say nowadays, “goes hard”.

The whole movie is a case of “Good News, Bad News”.  For every quality moment, there’s a bunch of schlock that gets in the way.  Although Evers’ intense performance keeps things from completely unraveling, the rest of the cast act rather embarrassing.  The while demise of the bear is pretty epic, the whole build-up to that choice moment is unbelievably lame as the last five minutes or so of the film are mostly all in slow-motion.

Bottom Line:  Whenever Claws bears its claws, it’s rather grizzly, but it’s more than likely to make you hibernate.

A stoned hippie gets the best line of the movie when he comes face to face with a bear and inexplicably says, “I’m a rock singer, not Walt Disney!”