Thursday, March 2, 2023
Wednesday, March 1, 2023
THE TOP TEN FILMS OF 2022
1. Crimes of the Future
2. The Banshees of Inisherin
3. Top Gun: Maverick
4. Elvis
5. Pearl
6. Smile
7. The Menu
8. X
9. The Batman
10. The Black Phone
Runner-Up: The Northman
THE COMPLETE LIST OF VIDEO VACUUM AWARD WINNERS FOR BEST MOVIE:
For curiosity’s sake (probably more my curiosity than yours), here’s a complete list of the past winners of the Video Vacuum Award for Best Movie.
2007: Grindhouse (4 Awards total)
2008: Rambo (8 Awards total)
2009: Inglourious Basterds (3 Awards total)
2010: Piranha 3-D (9 Awards total)
2011: Hobo with a Shotgun (4 Awards total)
2012: The Expendables 2 (8 Awards total)
2013: Machete Kills (6 Awards total)
2014: A Walk Among the Tombstones (2 Awards total)
2015: Mad Max: Fury Road (5 Awards total)
2016: The Nice Guys (5 Awards total)
2017: mother! (6 Awards total)
2018: Creed 2 (5 Awards total)
2019: Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood (7 Awards total)
2020: Skin: A History of Nudity in the Movies (2 Awards total)
2021: Spider-Man: No Way Home (3 Awards total)
2022: Crimes of the Future (5 Awards total)
THE 16TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE WINNERS ARE…
Well, folks. It’s that time of year. Time to see who fed it and who ate it at the movies. Can you believe I’ve been doing this for sixteen years? This Awards ceremony is old enough to drive! In that spirit, let’s buckle up and announce the winners (and losers) of the 16th Annual Video Vacuum Awards!
BEST DIALOGUE
And the nominees are…
Crimes of the Future for “I found her attractive… in a bureaucratic kind of way.”
Crimes of the Future for “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at the old sex.”
Crimes of the Future for “Surgery is the new sex!”
Crimes of the Future for “There’s no crime like the present!”
Crimes of the Future for “Watching you filled me with the desire to cut my face open.”
And the winner is… Crimes of the Future for “Surgery is the new sex!”
BEST SEQUEL SUBTITLE
And the nominees are…
Do the Universe
First Kill
In the Multiverse of Madness
Plantasm
Vs. Mecha-Fembot
And the winner is… In the Multiverse of Madness!
BEST SEQUEL
And the nominees are…
Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe
Clerks 3
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness
Thor: Love and Thunder
Top Gun: Maverick
And the winner is… Top Gun: Maverick!
WORST SEQUEL
And the nominees are…
Call Me Emanuelle
Femalien: Starlight Saga
Giantess Attack vs. Mecha-Fembot
Puppet Master: Doktor Death
Terror Train 2
And the loser is… Femalien: Starlight Saga!
BEST HORROR SEQUEL
And the nominees are…
Halloween Ends
Jurassic World: Dominion
Orphan: First Kill
Scream
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
And the winner is… Halloween Ends!
BEST HORROR LEGACY SEQUEL
And the nominees are…
Halloween Ends
Jurassic World: Dominion
Scream
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama 2
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
And the winner is… Halloween Ends!
BEST HORROR MOVIE
And the nominees are…
Crimes of the Future
The Menu
Pearl
Smile
X
And the winner is… Crimes of the Future!
WORST HORROR MOVIE
And the nominees are…
Amityville Karen
Hellraiser
Puppet Master: Doktor Death
Terror Train 2
We’re All Going to the World’s Fair
And the loser is… Amityville Karen!
BEST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE
And the nominees are…
Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe
Dark Glasses
Dashcam
Day Shift
Piranha Women
And the winner is… Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe!
WORST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE
And the nominees are…
Amityville Karen
Call Me Emanuelle
Femalien: Starlight Saga
Hellraiser
We’re All Going to the World’s Fair
And the loser is… Amityville Karen!
BEST COMEDY
And the nominees are…
Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl
Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe
Clerks 3
Day Shift
Giantess Battle Attack!
And the winner is… Clerks 3!
BEST ACTION MOVIE
And the nominees are…
The Batman
Bullet Train
The Northman
Thor: Love and Thunder
Top Gun: Maverick
And the winner is… Top Gun: Maverick!
BEST ACTRESS
And the nominees are…
Kerry Condon in The Banshees of Inisherin
Mia Goth in Pearl
Kristen Stewart in Crimes of the Future
Anya Taylor-Joy in The Menu
Naomi Watts in Goodnight Mommy
And the winner is… Kristen Stewart in Crimes of the Future!
BEST ACTOR
And the nominees are…
Austin Butler in Elvis
Tom Cruise in Top Gun: Maverick
Colin Farrell in The Banshees of Inisherin
Brendan Gleeson in The Banshees of Inisherin
Viggo Mortensen in Crimes of the Future
And the winner is… Colin Farrell in The Banshees of Inisherin!
BEST DIRECTOR
And the nominees are…
David Cronenberg for Crimes of the Future
Joseph Kosinski for Top Gun: Maverick
Baz Luhrmann for Elvis
Martin McDonagh for The Banshees of Inisherin
Ti West for Pearl and X
And the winner is… David Cronenberg for Crimes of the Future!
WORST MOVIE
And the nominees are…
Amityville Karen
Call Me Emanuelle
Femalien: Starlight Saga
Hellraiser
We’re All Going to the World’s Fair
And the loser is… Amityville Karen!
BEST MOVIE
And the nominees are…
The Banshees of Inisherin
Crimes of the Future
Elvis
Pearl
Top Gun: Maverick
And the winner is… Crimes of the Future!
Well, folks. That’s another year of awards in the books. It looks like Crimes of the Future is this year’s big winner with five wins, including Best Movie! Who will win next year? The only way to find out is to keep watching!
THE 16TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: THE TECHNICAL AWARDS
Welcome everyone! The time is almost upon us for The 16th Annual Video Vacuum Awards. Before we get the show going, we will, as is the tradition, hand out The Technical Awards.
Sometimes, I don’t get to see enough films in a specific genre in a calendar year. Because of that, I am unable to make an entire competitive category for that genre. Instead of letting that film (or films) go unnoticed, I have created The Video Vacuum Technical Awards. And now is the time to hand those suckers out. Let’s get started, shall we?
WORST ACTION MOVIE
Blacklight
(RUNNER-UP: Ambulance)
WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIE
Christmas Bloody Christmas
(RUNNER-UP: The Mean One)
WORST COMEDY
The Munsters
(RUNNER-UP: Bigfoot or Bust)
BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE
The Batman
(RUNNER-UP: Thor: Love and Thunder)
WORST COMIC BOOK MOVIE
Morbius
(RUNNER-UP: Black Adam)
BEST COMPILATION
Famous T and A 2
BEST DOCUMENTARY
In Search of All American Massacre: The Lost Texas Chainsaw Film
BEST DRAMA
The Banshees of Inisherin
(RUNNER-UP: Elvis)
BEST HORROR REMAKE
Firestarter
(RUNNER-UP: Goodnight Mommy)
WORST HORROR REMAKE
Hellraiser
(RUNNER-UP: Terror Train)
WORST HORROR SEQUEL
Terror Train 2
(RUNNER-UP: Puppet Master: Doktor Death)
BEST KIDS MOVIE
DC League of Super-Pets
BEST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW
Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm
WORST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW
The Munsters
BEST REMAKE
Firestarter
(RUNNER-UP: Goodnight Mommy)
WORST REMAKE
Hellraiser
(RUNNER-UP: Terror Train)
BEST SCI-FI MOVIE
Jurassic Park: Dominion
(RUNNER-UP: Nope)
WORST SCI-FI MOVIE
Femalien: Starlight Saga
BEST SEQUEL TO A MOVIE THAT CAME OUT IN 2022
Giantess Battle Attack!
WORST SEQUEL TO A MOVIE THAT CAME OUT IN 2022
Terror Train 2
BEST PREQUEL TO A MOVIE THAT CAME OUT IN 2022
Pearl
WORST SKINAMAX MOVIE
Femalien: Starlight Saga
(RUNNER-UP: Call Me Emanuelle)
BEST STEPHEN KING MOVIE
Firestarter
(RUNNER-UP: Mr. Harrigan’s Phone)
BEST VAMPIRE MOVIE
Day Shift
WORST VAMPIRE MOVIE
Morbius
TUBI CONTINUED… UFOS INVADE HOLLYWOOD (2021) ***
UFOs Invade Hollywood is a little different than your average sci-fi trailer compilation. It also acts as a documentary on both UFO sightings and sci-fi movies of the ‘50s. Each trailer begins with a little introduction where stills, lobby cards, and posters for each film are displayed while a narrator gives us a brief history and random factoids about the movie. Then, the trailer is shown. We also get a brief overview of the UFO phenomenon that swept the country in the ‘50s (we’re starting to see a resurgence of that nowadays) and how the movies mirror various sightings and incidents.
Normally, I would say cut all the informative shit and make with the trailers. However, the intros are entertaining enough, and the information is a tad more in-depth than just having someone regurgitating tidbits from the IMDb Trivia page. I also liked how they related things that happen in the movies with actual reported UFO sightings.
One of the highlights is the trailer for The Day the Earth Stood Still. While this trailer has appeared in many compilations over the years, the one shown here is the uncut version, complete with a film break. (A news bulletin interrupts the 20th Century Fox fanfare.) Likewise, the preview for It Came from Outer Space is completely intact as it features a short message before the trailer reminding the audience to put on their 3-D glasses.
Another plus is the fact that the trailers are in chronological order. This is fun because you get to see the films become more sophisticated (or sometimes, less sophisticated, depending on the budget) as the decade goes on. It’s also neat how the documentary charts the history of UFOs from Roswell until America’s first mission into space across the decade. So, if you’re a fan of sci-fi movies AND history (or at least the history of UFOs), you’re bound to enjoy UFOs Invade Hollywood.
The complete trailer line-up is as follows: The Flying Saucer (just clips), The Thing from Another World, The Man from Planet X, The Day the Eart Stood Still, It Came from Outer Space, War of the Worlds, Invaders from Mars, Robot Monster, Devil Girl from Mars, Killers from Space, Target Earth, This Island Earth, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, It Conquered the World, Invasion of the Saucer Men, Kronos, The Brain from Planet Arous, The Mysterians, Not of This Earth, The Blob, I Married a Monster from Outer Space, Invisible Invaders, Plan 9 from Outer Space, and Teenagers from Outer Space.
FRANCO FEBRUARY: BUT WHO RAPED LINDA? (1975) **
A rich asshole (Paul Muller) hires a sexy nurse (Alice Arno) to take care of his paralyzed daughter Linda (Veronica Llimera) and his nympho niece Olivia (Lina Romay). Before long, she begins to realize the house harbors a boatload of dark secrets. Olivia’s sexy nightmares could be the key to unlocking the family’s mysterious past.
Jess Franco’s But Who Raped Linda? seems like a dry run for his 1983 flick, The House of Lost Women. Both films feature a house brimming with nasty secrets and a family with a lot of kinky hang-ups. In both movies, the sudden appearance of a visitor changes the family dynamic and ultimately causes their downfall. I have to say, nearly everything Franco set out to accomplish here was done much better in The House of Lost Women.
The set-up is promising, but things get bogged down in a hurry soon after Arno arrives at the house. Dreams, flashbacks, and dreams that contain flashbacks disrupt the flow of the family drama. Many of these dream sequences are repeated, mostly to pad out the running time. After about the third time you see the same dream, you start to tune out eventually. The appearance of a pair of comic relief cops is annoying as well. (At least one of them is a hot babe who does a striptease.)
The ending is downright infuriating too. It’s one thing to be jerked around for eighty minutes if you can stick the landing. However, it’s just one big cop-out. Heck, I don’t even think Franco bothered to answer the titular query, which makes things even more frustrating.
The good news is Lina Romay. She is the sole reason to watch this mess. I don’t think she’s ever looked hotter than she does here, and that’s really saying something. She is incredible during the scenes where she seductively sips champagne, sunbathes in the nude, and in the film’s most famous scene, eats a banana. I’m telling you, I never wanted to be a banana more in my life than when I was watching this movie. I could justify watching But Who Raped Linda? solely for the presence of Romay. Too bad there’s nothing else here that’s nearly as memorable.
As far as Franco’s signatures go, this is another movie in which he delivers lots of lazy camera zooms and pans. As previously mentioned, it’s another film like The House of Lost Women where Franco depicts the family unit as a nest of crazed sexual loonies. And like many a Franco picture, it seemingly solely exists to show Romay in the nude. Among the performers from Franco’s usual stock company, we have: Romay, Arno (from Countess Perverse), Llimera (Tender and Perverse Emanuelle), and Muller (Eugenie de Sade).
AKA: The Hot Nights of Linda. AKA: Come Close, Blond Emmanuelle. AKA: Erotic Dreams.
Well folks, that’s a wrap on Franco February. I looked through the Video Vacuum archives and exhaustively went through all the Jess Franco movies I’ve seen and ranked them. Here’s how they stack up for me:
RANK-O de FRANCO:
1. Female Vampire ****
2. Sadomania ****
3. Ilsa, the Wicked Warden ****
4. Falo Crest ****
5. The House of Lost Women *** ½
6. The Demons *** ½
7. Sinfonia Erotica *** ½
8. Faceless ***
9. Killer Barbys ***
10. Succubus ***
11. Vampyros Lesbos ***
12. Dracula’s Daughter ***
13. Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun ***
14. Macumba Sexual ***
15. Commando Mengele: “Angel of Death” ***
16. Justine ***
17. Eugenie… The Story of Her Journey into Perversion ***
18. Jack the Ripper ***
19. Diary of a Nymphomaniac ***
20. Rififi in the City ***
21. The Sadist of Notre Dame ** ½
22. Barbed Wire Dolls ** ½
23. Bloody Moon ** ½
24. Cannibals ** ½
25. Exorcism ** ½
26. Cecilia ** ½
27. She Killed in Ecstasy ** ½
28. The Awful Dr. Orloff ** ½
29. Black Boots Leather Whip ** ½
30. 99 Women **
31. Venus in Furs **
32. Lulu’s Talking Ass **
33. Two Female Spies with Flowered Panties **
34. Dr. Orloff’s Monster **
35. Women Behind Bars **
36. But Who Raped Linda? **
37. A Virgin Among the Living Dead **
38. Nightmares Come at Night **
39. Count Dracula **
40. The Diabolical Dr. Z **
41. Diamonds of Kilimanjaro **
42. Death Whistles the Blues **
43. Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein **
44. Shining Sex **
45. The Sexual Story of O **
46. Sex is Crazy **
47. The Bloody Judge **
48. Oasis of the Zombies * ½
49. Golden Temple Amazons * ½
50. Kiss Me Monster * ½
51. Night of the Skull * ½
52. Downtown Heat * ½
53. Rites of Frankenstein *
54. Future Women *
55. Two Undercover Angels *
56. The Inconfessable Orgies of Emanuelle *
57. Devil Hunter *
58. The Blood of Fu Manchu *
59. Lust for Frankenstein *
60. The Sadistic Baron von Klaus *
61. Esmerelda Bay *
62. Blind Target *
63. Night of the Eagles *
64. The Castle of Fu Manchu *
65. Revenge in the House of Usher ½ *
It seems that out of his over 200 directorial credits, I’ve only seen about 65 of Jess Franco’s movies. Which ones are your favorites? Let me know in the comments below. And don’t forget to join me in the month of March when we will explore the wild, weird world of Andy Milligan for a column I call Milligan March. See you then, Vacuumers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)