DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES (2023) ** ½

A cunning thief named Edgin (Chris Pine) and his warrioress pal Holga (Michelle Rodriguez) escape from prison and gather a team of sorcerers, shapeshifters, and rogues to steal a fortune from their former associate, Forge (Hugh Grant), who has set himself up as a lord of a thriving kingdom.  To make matters worse, Forge has been manipulating Edgin’s estranged daughter, Kira (Chloe Coleman) into hating her father.  Together with his ragtag group of misfits, Edgin sets out to take down Forge, win back Kira, and defeat an evil witch who has aligned herself with Forge.  

Dungeons and Dragons:  Honor Among Thieves comes to us from directors John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein, the men who gave us Vacation and Game Night.  Because of that, it’s much more of a swashbuckling comedy than an out and out sword and sandal flick.  Pine is funny, light on his feet, and makes for a likeable hero.  In fact, the whole movie is a little too light on its feet for its own good.  It could’ve used a little bit of grit or a lot of piss and vinegar to make it stick.  As it is, it’s an enjoyable, if forgettable romp.  

It's also a little light in the Dungeons and Dragons department.  I counted two dungeons and three dragons.  That’s just enough to justify the title, but not enough to make it worthwhile.  Then again, I’ve never been a fan of Dungeons and Dragons, so what do I know?  At least it’s better than that Jeremy Irons one.  

There are some good moments here though.  I liked the scene where the shapeshifter (Sophia Lillis from It) escaped the villain’s clutches.  It’s all done in one take with her changing from animal to animal many times.  The maze sequences is kind of fun too.  The best scene though comes when the heroes must awaken skeletons from a graveyard.  This stretch has a nifty Sam Raimi type of vibe to it.  I wish this kind of spirit had been present through the rest of the picture, but as it is, it's not bad.  It’s no In the Name of the King:  A Dungeon Siege Tale, but it’ll do in a pinch.

TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE SCARECROW 2 (2022) *

In a perfect world, I would’ve watched Amityville Scarecrow before I saw Amityville Scarecrow 2.  However, the only version of Amityville Scarecrow on Tubi is in Spanish, so I decided to skip it.  I guess I could’ve found it streaming elsewhere, but the way I feel is if it ain’t on Tubi, it doesn’t matter.  Besides, when did not seeing the original movie ever stop me from checking out the sequel?

The opening sequence has a couple with nearly indecipherable accents renovating a barn.  Why do they have such thick brogues?  Because the movie takes place in Amityville, ENGLAND!  (Since it’s so hard to understand them, I now think might’ve been okay watching the Spanish version of Part 1.)  

A year earlier, a bunch of people were found murdered at this rundown campground.  Now, the owners are trying to spruce the place up and reopen for business, hoping that everyone conveniently forgets about the murders (or the fact that the place used to be home to a haunted house).  Naturally, a creepy scarecrow is running around the place turning campers into mincemeat.

Amityville Scarecrow 2 is set more in a slasher movie mold than the haunted house shenanigans found in your typical Amityville rip-off.  In particular, it owes a debt to Friday the 13th Part 2 as there is even a campfire story that acts as the scarecrow’s origin.  We also get a Psycho-inspired shower scene in there, just because.  

This might’ve worked, I guess, if the kill scenes were any good or if the scarecrow had any personality.  As it is, he kind of looks like a grown-up version of Sam from Trick ‘R’ Treat wearing a straw hat and overalls.  He isn’t intimidating in the least, and the gore is weak too.  It also doesn’t help that the finale is nearly nonexistent, and the killer’s demise occurs offscreen.  

The lone bright spot is Chrissie Wunna as the bosomy babe who gets a sex scene and a shower scene before being killed off.  I wish she hung around a bit longer.  Not just because she provides some above average T & A, but because she’s the only one in the cast with any kind of personality.  

For the most part, Amityville Scarecrow 2 is slow moving, talky (there’s a lot of exposition scenes and discussions about “family legacy”), and uneventful.  Plus, the accents are so thick that it’s hard to make out what the actors are saying half the time.  I was almost tempted to turn on the subtitles at one point.  Then, I realized I didn’t really care that much about what was going on, and I didn’t really want to get up and grab the remote in order to find out.  

TUBI CONTINUED… AN AMITYVILLE POLTERGEIST (2020) **

A stoner gets a job housesitting for a family in Amityville.  It doesn’t take long for him to start hearing strange noises in the night, which puts him on edge.  Soon after, he’s having bad dreams, and eventually, he realizes the place is haunted.  

This is one of those flicks that are competently put together but are rather forgettable and disposable.  Heck, I’m not sure anyone would’ve ever watched it if it didn’t have the “Amityville” name attached to it.  Like Amityville:  No Escape, An Amityville Poltergeist goes back and forth in time as it focuses on two different sets of characters dealing with a haunting in two different time periods.  The scenes set in present day with the stoner house sitter investigating the weird goings on in the home work slightly better than the flashback scenes with the original homeowner coming face to face with the evil for the first time.  

I think this might’ve eked by with a ** ½ rating, but the dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream sequence was a bit hard to take.  The love triangle shit with the stoner, his best friend, and his best friend’s girl didn’t do it any favors either.  It also didn’t help that the main specter was one of those Ring-inspired ghost girls with messy hair who crawls out of the TV and shuffles slowly around the house.  The scenes where she moves around in a herky-jerky manner and screams echo The Grudge too.  In fact, it might’ve been more accurate if the filmmakers had called it An Amityville Grudge instead of An Amityville Poltergeist.  

I did like the scene where the hero watches Horrors of Spider Island on TV though.  Later, another character is seen watching The Screaming Skull.  Usually, whenever characters are watching a public domain horror movie in a flick like this, it’s Night of the Living Dead, so seeing scenes from these other films was a nice change of pace.

TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE: NO ESCAPE (2016) * ½

A guy takes his friends on a road trip to Amityville so he can film his college thesis on fear.  He also watches a videotape made by the former resident of the haunted Amityville house as she films her new home as a video diary to show her husband, who is deployed overseas.  Our fledgling filmmaker and his makeshift crew eventually head out into the woods to confront the Amityville evil, and they wind up getting more than they bargained for.

Writer/director Henrique Couto cuts back and forth between the Amityville home movies and the present-day stuff with the college kids interviewing people and traipsing through the woods.  Basically, it’s one part Paranormal Activity rip-off, one part Blair Witch rip-off, and one part Amityville rip-off.  None of the parts are very good.  At least the gratuitous nudity helps keep it from being a One Star slog. 

The scenes of the Amityville housewife constantly filming herself is slightly less annoying than the shit with the college students in the woods.  However, the so-called “paranormal” shit she captures on film is pretty weak.  I’m sure if you really lived in a haunted house and your coffee cup moved around on its own, it would freak you out.  Unfortunately, an audience member watches horror movies to see some scary shit and moving coffee cups just ain’t gonna cut the mustard.  On the plus side, at least the home movie sequences don’t have nearly as much shaky-cam nonsense of the Blair Witchy scenes.  (I’ve had my fill of shaky-cam horror movies where characters go off into the woods, get lost, and argue, thank you very much.)  Too bad after such a long build-up the payoff is rather miniscule.   

Even the most die-hard Found Footage horror fan will probably have a tough time making it through the end of this one.

THE SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE (2023) *** ½

I got a Nintendo for my tenth birthday, and from then on, I was a die-hard video game nerd.  Much of the reason for my gaming addiction was because of Super Mario Bros. (and then later, Super Mario Bros. 2 and 3).  After the disastrous 1993 adaptation starring Bob Hoskins, I didn’t think anyone would attempt to make another movie based on the property again.  Thanks to Illumination Entertainment and directors Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenic, The Super Mario Bros. Movie should be a blast for fans of all ages.  

Now, anyone who wasn’t practically born with a Nintendo controller in their hand or isn’t under the age of ten will probably remain befuddled by all this.  The Super Mario Bros. Movie isn’t out to court new fans or win over critics.  It’s a nostalgic, fast, and fun tribute to one of the greatest video game icons of all time.  

Mario (the voice of Chris Pratt) and Luigi (the voice of Charlie Day) are a pair of plumbers who start their own business.  On their first day on the job, they are sucked down a pipe and wind up in the Mushroom Kingdom.  The evil Bowser (the voice of Jack Black) wants to marry Princess Peach (the voice of Anya Taylor-Joy) and take over the kingdom.  When he kidnaps Luigi, it’s up to Mario and the Princess to rescue him.

The only real change from the video games is that Luigi is the one who is captured by Bowser instead of the Princess.  I guess they had to make at least one 21st century concession.  Fortunately, turning the Princess from a damsel in distress to a capable badass who teaches Mario the ropes of the Mushroom Kingdom wasn’t such a bad idea.  The only problem is that it keeps the brothers apart for the bulk of the picture.  This is really my only qualm about the movie.  Thankfully, once they are reunited, they kick ass like only the Mario Bros. can.  

One of the best sequences is when Mario is forced to fight Donkey Kong (the voice of Seth Rogen).  It’s scenes like this that breathlessly capture the fun of the games and remind us why we fell in love with them in the first place.  My favorite part though was the extended Mario Kart sequence that plays like a kid-friendly version of Mad Max.  The action in this sequence is fast-paced and fun.  If you’ve ever played Mario Kart, you’ll enjoy seeing it fleshed out and projected bigger than life on the big screen.  The score is great too as the orchestrated versions of the familiar and beloved Mario themes sound like a million bucks.  

The film is also rife with Easter eggs and in-jokes for Mario fans.  Horvath and Jelenic were also the ones responsible for the terrific Teen Titans GO! series, and this flick shares a lot of that show’s anarchic DNA.  Hopefully, they’ll return soon with a sequel.  I can’t wait to see what they’ll have up their sleeves next time.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE AMITYVILLE MOON (2021) ** ½

A church in Amityville runs a halfway house for wayward girls.  When the various delinquents, runaways, and junkies begin disappearing, a detective (Trey McCurley) is called in to investigate.  He figures out all the disappearances have occurred during a full moon.  Could a werewolf be responsible for the missing girls? 

Other than the opening title card that states the location of the church, there’s nothing here connecting The Amityville Moon back to the other Amityville movies.  Really, it feels closer to an unrelated Howling sequel than an unrelated Amityville sequel.  If we were judging this on the merits of an unrelated Howling sequel, it would earn relatively high marks (as far as Howling sequels go, that is).  The central premise is similar to Howling V (it’s a whodunit movie where a werewolf is the culprit), and the effects aren’t too bad.  While the werewolf make-up isn’t exactly great, I always prefer seeing a guy running around in a scruffy wolf suit rather than some shoddy CGI shit, so I’ll take what I can get.  We only get one werewolf transformation scene (which makes sense since the werewolf’s identity is kept secret until the end), but it’s a decent throwback to the old school days of werewolf filmmaking.  Crepe hair grows, rubbery fingers stretch out and extend, ears become pointy… shit like that.  The gore is OK too. 

The acting ranges from passable to solid.  The actresses that make up the residents of the halfway house do a fine job, especially in their group therapy scenes.  McCurley makes for an acceptable hero too, all things considered. 

I can’t quite go to bat for this one.  That’s mainly because it runs out of steam before it crosses the finish line.  I do have a tendency to grade these fake Amityville movies on a curve.  If it was a “regular” horror flick, it probably would’ve gotten **.  When watched within the confines of a month-long fake Amityville sequel marathon, you realize it’s not too shabby.  Since it’s certainly more competent than your average Amityville rip-off, a ** ½ rating is more than justified.

TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE IN THE HOOD (2021) * ½

A couple of gang members find a stash of possessed weed in the old Amityville Horror house.  Dollar signs in their eyes, they sell it on the street, and their customers soon become kill-happy possessed zombies.  Now, this certainly sounds like a can’t-miss scenario.  Somehow, writer/director Dustin (Zombi VIII:  Urban Decay) Ferguson manages to screw up a potentially great idea (Okay… “great” for a fake Amityville movie) in record time.

The set-up is silly, but fun, which is really all you can hope for from a fake Amityville movie.  Although some of it feels a little rushed, there’s no denying the potential of a plot about weed that’s been laced with Amityville evil and turns its users into zombies.  The problem is that once the boring detective character is introduced, everything stops on a dime(bag).  By the time he starts interviewing suspects and witnesses and they start relating flashback after flashback, it just sucks all the fun right out of the picture.  It takes seemingly forever for the film to get back on track with the killer weed plotline, and once it finally does, it craps the bed in spectacular fashion.  To make matters even worse, the editing during the final confrontation is nearly incomprehensible.  

I didn’t realize it when I put this on, but Amityville in the Hood is actually a sequel to Amityville Toybox and Amityville Clownhouse.  If I had known that beforehand, I would’ve watched them in order.  Scenes from both those films are recycled and reused as flashbacks to fill out the second act, and one clip even includes a cameo by A Nightmare on Elm Street 2’s Mark Patton.  If you ask me, the flick needed less scenes from other movies and more of the Amityville ghost ganja shit.  

Despite the plethora of missed opportunities, I still say that any movie that features a homage to the awesome Amityville 3-D poster in the pre-title sequence can’t be all bad.