TUBI CONTINUED… SATAN’S BLADE (1984) ** ½

Satan’s Blade kicks off with a neat opening sequence that would make for a fine short film.  It has a cool double twist and really sets up the movie with style.  Sure, everything that comes after this sequence is a bit on the uneven side, but overall, it’s a shade or two better than your average low budget slasher.  

A couple comes to a mountain resort where there has just been a double homicide.  The crazy lady who runs the place thinks it’s the work of the local legend, an insane mountain man who stalks the woods with a big ass hunting knife.  Meanwhile, a gaggle of hot-to-trot coeds also come to the resort looking for a good time, and one of them even tries to seduce our married hero.  Will he be able to keep it in his pants and save his marriage?  Or will the killer ruin his chances to score?  

Satan’s Blade contains lot of scenes of cars driving on mountain backroads while dubbed-in dialogue fills in the character’s backstories.  Although this process is technically crude, it’s rather economical from a storytelling point of view.  It doles out vital plot information, and once the car finally gets to its destination, the audience is caught up to speed with everything it needs to know about its characters.  

In fact, the whole movie is kinda cheap and crude.  There are visible boom mikes, long scenes of people walking slowly through the snow that pad out the running time, and less than stellar acting.  However, that all sorta adds to the fun.  Heck, there’s even some legitimate laughs to be had, like when our recent law school grad hero tries to seduce his wife using an unending series of lawyer-related innuendos.  Couple that will a good amount of T & A and a handful of decent kill scenes and you have yourself an A-OK slasher.

TUBI CONTINUED… VAMPYRZ ON A BOAT (2022) * ½

A crew of seamen take a job driving a top-secret research team around in circles in the middle of the ocean.  Seems the scientists are performing experiments on a vampire… er… vampyr who is being kept below deck.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long for most of the crew to become vampires… er… vampyrs… er… vampyrz… er… VampyrZ too.  

Goofy title aside, VampyrZ on a Boat (I have no idea why it’s spelled that way or why the “Z” is capitalized, so I’ll just move past it) does at least contain one novel scene as the vampire outbreak occurs in an unexpected and fun way.  Instead of the vampire getting loose and biting people, a mosquito bites the vampire and then flies into the kitchen and bites the cook, effectively turning him into a vampire.  Vampire mosquitoes.  I think that might be a silver screen first.  That’s worth an extra ½ * right there.

Unfortunately, after an OK set-up, it’s all downhill from there.  The attempts at humor are downright painful (the guy with the ventriloquist dummy being the main offender) and the vampire attacks quickly become repetitive.  (They move fast because the editor put in a lot of jump-cuts.)  The oddest element is the whole Groundhog Day/Happy Death Day/Edge of Tomorrow time loop subplot where our hero perpetually wakes up with a hammer in his head and keeps on ticking.  This plot device is clunky at best and slightly incoherent at worst.  The ending is awful too and pretty much sucks the life (no pun intended) out of the whole deal.  

VH-1’s Carrie Keagan co-stars as a sexy and feisty reporter who becomes prisoner of the main vampire.  She’s the only bright spot in the movie as just about everyone else in the cast is irritating.  Too bad she never gets anything worthwhile to do, even though she TryZ her best.

BIRDEMIC 2: THE RESURRECTION (2013) ****

The birds are back in this incredibly awful and frequently hilarious sequel to the WTF classic, Birdemic.  

I knew I was in for a good time when the film opened with a five-minute long sequence of our hero Bill (Thomas Favaloro) casually walking down Hollywood Boulevard.  He’s a producer who’s casting a movie and turns to the hero from the first flick, Rod (Alan Bagh) to finance his dream project.  Naturally, they decide to cast their girlfriends in the movie.  All is going swimmingly when a red rain descends on Hollywood.  The precipitation soaks into the La Brea Tar Pits, resurrecting flocks of killer prehistoric birds who rise out of the muck and converge on Hollywood, pecking and killing everyone in sight.  Our heroes must band together once more, pistols and clothes hangers in hand to fend off the undead bird menace.  

Both Birdemic movies have been about wildly successfully and blissfully dumb white people being wildly successful, blissfully dumb, and incredibly white for no reason whatsoever for about half the running time.  I’m not sure if this is some sort of social commentary on writer/director James Nguyen’s part or not.  Either that or he’s just too lazy to think up any problems, drama, or obstacles to put in front of them, except for the killer birds, of course.  At any rate, the scenes of the character acting awfully white are downright hysterical as the acting and dialogue often exceeds the jaw-dropping idiocy of the original film.

Yes, all the stuff you loved about the first movie crops up again.  Awkward love scenes in which the participants keep their underwear and pants on?  Check.  Random dance sequences?  Got ‘em.  Editing that starts to fade in or out and then doesn’t at the last second?  You bet.  Passionate speeches about global warming?  Uh-huh.  (Tree Hugger Guy returns!)

There are also new elements here that help to increase the hilarity.  Like the fact that not only are birds attacking this time around, but also cavemen and zombies.  What makes the zombie attack scene so funny is that they emerge from their graves wearing jeans and T-shirts.  I mean, shouldn’t they have been buried in… you know… a suit and tie?  But by far the funniest sequence is when our heroes band together and look for survivors.  They cruise around the city checking the pulse of EVERY SINGLE body they come across before solemnly announcing, “He’s dead.”  It was funny the first time it happened.  It was gut-busting the tenth time.  By the fifteenth time, I was wiping tears of laughter out of my eyes.

And what would a Birdemic movie be without horrible special effects?  In addition to the shitty CGI birds, we also get a laughably bad CGI jellyfish attack.  That’s pretty funny on its own merits, but hearing the characters alliteratively refer to it as a “giant jumbo jellyfish” over and over again in like, the span of a minute is fucking hysterical.  The truly perplexing addition of a crappy CGI ambulance that drives off at the end of the scene is the perfect cherry on top of what was already an absolutely bonkers sequence.  

Once again, Nguyen has made a movie that is distinctly his own.  He really put his heart and soul into this thing and we as a moviegoing audience are all the better for it.  Because his heartfelt sincerity is felt in every scene, the sequel blissfully contains the same Ed Wood-type vibe that made Birdemic a camp classic.  (There’s also a scene where characters drive around Hollywood and their sunglasses disappear and reappear within alternating shots, which I’m sure would’ve made Wood envious.)  

Probably the most amazing thing about the movie is they actually got permission to film inside Universal Studios.  (At the now defunct Jaws ride, no less.)  The best part is when the bird battle is over, the characters conduct a monotone discussion about the Jaws franchise.  I love it.

This is one sequel that surpasses the original.  It's rare when it happens, but you love to see it when it does.  Oh, and by “surpasses the original”, I mean, “it’s even more gloriously stupid and jaw-droppingly unhinged”.

TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE EMANUELLE (2023) **

I’ve been saying this for a while now:  Hollywood should be making as many fake Emanuelle movies as they do fake Amityville movies as both titles are public domain and can be used by anybody.  Leave it to the good folks at Cinema Epoch, who have made their share of both, to combine the two franchises into one and unleash Amityville Emanuelle on the world.  

Things start off with a depiction of the DeFeo murders before flashing forward to the present.  It seems that after Ron DeFeo died in prison, his now-grown son begins having horrifying visions.  The daughter of George Lutz receives DeFeo’s ashes from a cuckoo friend of the family, and she too begins experiencing nightmares.  The ashes then turn her into a complete horndog as she starts banging guys at the drop of a hat.  (She even has a threesome with two random dudes she meets at a bar.)  It’s then up to DeFeo Jr. to help her exorcise the evil spirits once and for all.  

You know, it sort of makes sense to combine both Amityville and Emanuelle franchises from a financial standpoint.  However, if you dive a little deeper, you’ll notice they sort of fit together rather well.  Consider the original Amityville murders took place in November of 1974 and the first official Emmanuelle movie came out just a few weeks later.  Makes you think, don’t it?

Speaking of thinking, I honestly think this might’ve worked better had the filmmakers called it “Amityville Legacy” or “Ashes or Amityville” or something along those lines.  When you start putting “Emanuelle” in the title, it brings along a certain set of expectations, and if you can’t deliver on those expectations, then why even bother?  I mean, no one is even called “Emanuelle” in the movie!  Sure, the ashes turn our heroine into a sexually liberated woman, but she doesn’t do nearly as much humping as Emanuelle.  So, that is a bit misleading.  It also doesn’t help that she keeps her clothes on the whole movie, and that a lot of the sex scenes occur off screen, which is definitely not a good thing when you’re talking about an Emanuelle flick.

While it fails miserably as a fake Emanuelle movie, Amityville Emanuelle surprisingly isn’t too shabby of a fake Amityville movie.  It contains at least one semi-effective scene where the ghost of DeFeo interrupts a group of friends who are playing with a Ouija board and blows them away.  Also, bringing members of both the Lutz and DeFeo families together to stop the Amityville curse was a nice touch.  Having sat through over twenty-five fake Amityville flicks in the past few weeks, you can trust me when I tell you this is far from the worst one out there.  It’s just a shame the ending sucks.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 21: NAUGHTY ‘N NICE (2016) ****

Sometimes when I’m flipping through Tubi looking for something to watch, I stumble across something so bizarre that I must simply hit “PLAY” and drop the remote.  Such was the case with Lingerie Fighting Championships 21:  Naughty ‘N Nice.  I usually try to only watch actual movies (or something approximating an actual movie) for this column.  However, when the Tubi Gods drop something like Lingerie Fighting Championships 21:  Naughty ‘N Nice in your lap, you just gotta dive in with both feet.

For context, I had no idea going in that Lingerie Fighting Championships even existed.  Just looking at the thumbnail though, it seemed like the sort of thing that would be right up my alley.  (Boy, the Tubi algorithm knows me pretty well by now.)  And… well… Lingerie Fighting Championships is exactly what you would expect it to be.  It’s sexy women in lingerie fighting in a cage, UFC style.  Sadly, this is the only LFC special available on Tubi, which is a bummer.  I’m not saying I would watch all twenty of the previous LFC specials, but I’m not saying I wouldn’t either.  

Oh, and the LFC’s motto is, “A Little Bit of MMA.  A Little Bit of Wrestling.  A Little Bit of Clothing.”  It’s like Dana White and Hugh Hefner had a baby.  That is to say, it’s awesome.

There are eight bouts in all, featuring sexy fighters with nicknames like “The Lotus”, “The Mongoose”, and “Rattlesnake”.  My favorite grappler was Serina “Honey Punch” Kyle who looks like the girl next door but can really scrap when the chips are down.  I also enjoyed the presence of Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx, a statuesque, fiery redhead who dominates in the ring.  A quick Google search tells me she is now the current LFC champion, and no wonder, as she has all the making of a champ from the footage shown here.

The ladies are a good mix of personalities.  Some look just as you would expect:  Lingerie models.  Others are tough brawlers who would give men in the UFC a run for their money.  Likewise, the matches have a nice blend of cheesecake jiggling and legitimately badass wrestling.  The camerawork is stellar too as the cameramen have a sixth sense as to the most optimal place to put the camera while the ladies are locked in battle.  (That’s a diplomatic way of saying, “There’s a lot of butt shots.”)

The matches themselves are a lot of fun.  It’s easy to pick a favorite before the bout starts and root them on.  One of the biggest upsets occurs when Cali Cat fights with an injured ankle and still somehow makes her opponent tap out.  There’s nothing like a good underdog comeback to get your blood pumping.  The same goes for Maine “The Main Event” Morgan who defies the odds and somehow escapes the jaws of death to gain a submission victory.  The final match-up, between challenger Allie “Babydoll” Parks and the champion, Feather “The Hammer” Hadden is a lot of fun too.

One of my favorite aspects of the fights is when the ladies walk down to ringside, there is a little chair they can sit in to take their heels off before entering the cage.  I mean, you just don’t get that in the UFC.  (I do wish the “Backstage Cam” segments were longer though.)  Oh, and when there is a “wardrobe malfunction” in the ring, the uncorralled body part is pixelated out.  You know, just to remind you that you’re watching a classy event.   

If the goal of putting exactly one LFC special on Tubi was to convert new fans, then I would say, “Mission Accomplished”.  I hope more are added in the near future.  If not, I will definitely be keeping tabs on the sport for years to come.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER (1983) ***

The director and star of Devils Three, Bobby A. Suarez and Franco Guerrero reunite for another fun Pilipino actioner.  This time, Guerrero stars as Ortega, an Interpol cop who just got married to a hot babe.  Naturally, when he tries to bust some bad guys, they retaliate by killing Ortega’s wife and chopping off his arm.  To make matters worse when he tries to go back to work, his boss takes him off the case and insensitively tells him, “Hands off!”

Ouch.  

The One Armed Executioner may not be as outlandish as Suarez’s other action flicks like They Call Her… Cleopatra Wong and Devils Three, but it does start off with a scene of a little person being locked in a phonebooth and thrown off a pier.  Like Cleopatra Wong, it takes an old school martial arts template and transposes it to a modern-day setting.  (This time the inspiration is obviously The One-Armed Swordsman.)  There’s even a training montage where a wise old karate master teaches Ortega how to overcome his handicap that would look right at home in a Kung Fu flick.  

Even if Suarez doesn’t lean into the zany aspects of the plot the way he did in previous efforts, this is nevertheless a solidly enjoyable revenge picture.  It’s straightforward for the most part, but it has just enough odd touches (like the homemade shooting gallery in the woods) to make it memorable.  Guerrero makes for a strong hero too and reminded me a little of Sonny Chiba at times.  (I mean, praise doesn’t come any higher than that.)

I will say the film slows down a bit in the second act when Ortega is stumbling around drunk and feeling sorry for himself.  While this certainly works for his character, it kind of takes the wind out of the movie’s sails.  The good news is that once Ortega finally becomes the One Armed Executioner and starts kicking ass, things improve greatly, and the finale contains enough exploding bamboo huts, guard towers, and speedboats to make it more than worthwhile.

TUBI CONTINUED… DEVILS THREE (1980) ***

This fun and surprising sequel to They Call Her… Cleopatra Wong kicks off with a blisteringly awesome theme song followed by one of the greatest lines ever uttered on the silver screen:  “Imbeciles!  How are we going to push drugs if we don’t have any pushers?”  This line of dialogue is spoken by the evil drug dealer who has one of the best names in cinema history:  Lucifer Devlin (Johnny Wilson).  AKA:  “The Devil”.  Devlin barks orders at his men so much that they finally have enough of his shit and kidnap his daughter.  If he doesn’t cough up a million dollars and fork over his entire drug operation to them, they will kill her.  Naturally, there’s only one person Devlin can trust to get his daughter back:  His arch nemesis, the badass Interpol agent Cleopatra Wong (Marrie Lee)!

Cleo makes Devlin agree he’ll turn himself over to the authorities once his daughter is home safe and sound.  Cleo can’t do the job alone though, so she turns to Tony (Franco Guerrero), a cop who was kicked off the force for being gay, and a three-hundred-pound psychic named Madame Rotunda (Florence Carvajal) for help.  The unlikely trio make a great and unique team as everyone underestimates them at every turn.  However, the question lingers, will Devlin renege on his agreement once the job is done?

Devils Three is surprisingly inclusive for what on the surface looks to be a mindless made-in-the-Philippines actioner.  Not only is our heroine an ally to the LGBTQIA+ community, but she also spreads the message of body positivity as well.  You go, girl!  

Despite the addition of Cleo’s unorthodox compatriots, the action in Devils Three isn’t quite up to snuff with what we saw in They Call Her… Cleopatra Wong.  Still, there’s plenty of good moments here to keep you completely entertained.  There’s a fight in an ice factory, a briefcase that doubles as a bazooka, and an unlikely stunt when our three heroes hop on a motorcycle, give chase to the bad guys, and jump over a speeding car on the highway.  I mean, you don’t see that every day.

There’s a wealth of great dialogue too, with my favorite line being, “How would you like to get fingered by Captain Hook?”

AKA:  Mean Business.  AKA:  Pay or Die.  AKA:  Devil’s Three:  The Karate Killers.  AKA:  The Devil’s Angels.  AKA:  Devil’s Angels/Devil’s Three.