TUBI CONTINUED… 100 GIRLS BY BUNNY YEAGER (1999) **

Renowned cheesecake model turned renowned cheesecake photographer Bunny Yeager takes us on a tour of her portfolio as she showcases a hundred women she’s photographed over the years.  Most of the time, it feels like we are watching an overlong slideshow as we see dozens of glamour shots of pin-up girls with Bunny narrating trivia tidbits and some biographical background on each model.  Sometimes to alleviate the boredom, there are brief snippets from the films Bunny Yeager’s Nude Camera and Bunny Yeager’s Nude Las Vegas.  We also get some behind the scenes home movies of a few of the shoots, although it’s nothing really enlightening.

The most noteworthy model here of course is Bettie Page.  Too bad she gets just about the same amount of time devoted to her as the rest of the girls.  I guess there are plenty of other docs about Bettie out there already, but there’s wasn’t nearly enough time spent on her for my liking.  In fact, many of the model bios are rushed and/or glossed over.  Now, I know when you have a hundred girls to talk about, you want to be succinct as possible.  However, most of the time, the bio info just boils down to, “I only worked with this brunette once” before Bunny moves on to the next model.

I generally enjoy Bunny’s work, but even though it’s only forty-two minutes long, 100 Girls still feels like a bit of a slog.  That’s mostly due to the repetitive nature of the documentary.  Also, I don’t know if it was just the version of the film that was uploaded on Tubi or what, but many scenes are weirdly cropped.  In fact, a few of the models’ heads are completely chopped off the top of the frame, which makes for a bizarre viewing experience.  (Oh well, at least their bikini-clad bodies are still in full view.)

TUBI CONTINUED… GIANTESS ATTACK: YEAR ZERO! (2017) **

After a short preview of our feature, Giantess Attack, an announcer informs us that the film did not meet its Kickstarter goal and couldn’t be completed.  Instead of seeing the movie we were promised, we are treated to an episode of a superhero TV show called Battle Babe and Combat Queen.  Then, the two lead actresses, Diedre (Tasha Tacosa) and Frida (Rachel Riley) get into a heated brawl in the middle of shooting.  Because of their constant fighting, the show is quickly cancelled, and Diedre and Frida make up by getting drunk together.  Two tiny twin aliens (both played by Christine Nguyen) come to Earth and give them alien technology that makes them grow to humongous proportions, and the girls go out and hit the town.  (And I mean they really hit the town.)  The military is eventually called out to stop them, and soon the giantesses turn Hollywood Boulevard into their own personal battleground.

Giantess Attack:  Year Zero! is sort of a spoof of ‘70s live action kids shows like Electra Woman and Dyna Girl and Japanese Tokusatsu like Ultraman.  The effects are terrible on purpose (I think), which is kind of the charm. Even though the seams in the effects are obvious, there are some occasionally creative moments.  (Like when Battle Babe rides a tank like a skateboard.)  The fake cereal commercials were also a nice touch.

While I admire the film’s kitchen sink approach, the results are uneven at best.  Most of the gags land with a thud, and I have a suspicion that the various commercials, trailers, and Kickstarter jokes were more of a way to pad out the running time than anything.  That said, there are a few funny bits sprinkled throughout.  I think my favorite segment was the interview with the director “James Blabberon”, played by Jay Woelfle, who is a dead ringer for James Cameron.  None of this really adds up to much, but it’s a breezy way to kill an hour or so.

AKA:  Giantess Attack.

TUBI CONTINUED… MIND KILLER (1987) **

Warren (Joe McDonald) is a geeky librarian who is painfully shy when it comes to talking to women.  He finds a research paper in the library archives and reads it, which helps him unlock his untapped psychic powers.  Warren then uses his new gifts to score with women and get back at his enemies.  The only catch is, the more he uses it, the more it starts to change him.  He soon sets his sights on his new coworker Sandy (Shirley Ross), who is forced to go along with his commands.  It’s then up to his best friends Brad (Kevin Hart) and Larry (Wade Kelley) to stop him.

Mind Killer has a cheesy USA Up All Night kind of vibe to it.  It’s all sort of ludicrous, but not quite enough to make it entertaining.  It’s also a little on the dull side as the dialogue and romance scenes don’t have a whole lot of energy.  Although it contains a potentially good idea, the muddled execution and missed opportunities ultimately makes for a frustrating viewing experience.  On the bright side, director Michael (Night Vision) Krueger does deliver some gooey and gloppy special effects scenes.  It’s just a shame you have to wait till the last fifteen minutes to see them.

The tone is a little out of whack too.  The nightclub scenes are really goofy and almost feel like they came out of another entirely different movie.  One thing I can say for these bits though is that it’s hard to hear what the characters are saying because the music is so loud, so it’s actually kind of true to life.  Unfortunately, the weird asides (like the scene where the guy listens to records of coyotes howling) don’t exactly help either.  While we do get some okay moments near the end, the film is just too uneven to come together in a satisfying way.  

Krueger also wrote Lone Wolf and The Amityville Curse.

AKA:  Mindkiller.  AKA:  The Brain Creatures.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 36: BOOTY CAMP 4 (2022) ****

I watched Lingerie Fighting Championships 21:  Naughty N’ Nice not too long ago and it was fucking awesome.  I prayed to the Tubi gods that more LFC would be added.  The Tubi gods not only heard my prayers, but they delivered.  In fact, they added TEN more Lingerie Fighting Championships specials in all.  You’re damned sure I’m going to watch ‘em all.

The first one that popped up on my recommendations list was Lingerie Fighting Championships 36:  Booty Camp 4.  One thing I noticed right off the bat was that it’s, sadly, a chintzier presentation than Naughty N’ Nice.  For one, the venue is a lot smaller.  Also, they fight in a regular boxing ring this time and not in a UFC-style cage.  The ring announcer is barely audible too, and the referee doesn’t really look like she knows what’s she’s doing either.

That’s all surface stuff.  I’m reviewing 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days here.  I’ve got to at least make with the criticism. 

And that’s where my critique ends.  Lingerie Fighting Championships 36:  Booty Camp 4 is fucking awesome.  Not only is the heart and soul of the competitors on full display, but also their T & A.  There’s some terrific action here and many of the matches are downright incredible.  It's definitely a good time all around.

The first bout is between Angelica “The Italian Knockout” Ko and Andre “The Sidewinder” Shakti.  It’s a strong matchup that kicks off the event with gusto.  Next up is a fun match between Tomiko “The Temptress” Tajima and Carmen Valentina.  The third bout is cut short when Arianna “The Brat” Blaze suffers a nauseating injury at the hands of Bella Ink.  Bella Rockafella and “Sinister” Shay Lynn (a former Playboy playmate) is over pretty fast, but both opponents have great personalities.  Next is Bella “Rebel Princess” Madisyn (there sure are a lot of Bellas fighting in the LFC) vs Sheena “The Hungarian Hurricane” Bathory, and it’s an all-out slobberknocker what would put most like WWE matches to shame.  It’s a brutal battle to the finish.  Fierce competitor Lauren “The Animal” Fogle dominates Courtney “Coco Loco” Pemberton in the semi-final, and the main event finds the LFC champ Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx going against the “Booty Camp Champ” Jenny “Bloody” Valentine in a bout that can only be described as bootlicious.

While the surroundings are kind of cheap looking, the ladies definitely bring their A game both in and out of the ring.  Several make memorable entrances using props that include (among other things), a bubble machine, male slaves, and a grinding tool that creates sparks.  The costumes are outlandish and sexy too, which certainly helps.  I also liked the fact they got an English guy to do the play-by-play commentary which makes everything seem a little classier than it probably really is.  The best guy though is the one who sits outside the squared circle whose sole job is to pat the ladies down before they enter the ring.  I’ve never been one for looking for new careers, but I think I just might’ve found my dream job.

FEMALE MERCENARIES ON ZOMBIE ISLAND (1995) **

In the year 2000, an asteroid (it looks like your grandma’s chair) hurtles toward Earth with the potential to wipe out all of existence.  Tina Krause’s solution?  Take a shower!

After the asteroid kills most of the population, sexy Doctor Pamela Sutch sets herself up on an island turning men into mindless zombie soldiers and performing brain transplants.  After she kills off most of the peaceful farming women on the island, the survivors swear revenge.  With some help from the zombie henchmen who long to become human again, they plan to overthrow the mad doctor once and for all.

Before I continue with this review, I have to get something off my chest:  There was no goddamn reason this needed to be 111 minutes.  The plot circles around and loops back on itself a lot.  The heroines are captured, then escape, only to be recaptured and escape again.  There are also long scenes where actors are forced to say an incredible amount of ridiculous exposition with a straight face.

That said, it has a scene of Tina Krause getting undressed, taking a shower, being chloroformed, and hogtied , not one but two long text crawls that look like they came out of a Sega Genesis game, and the world ends via piece of furniture, all BEFORE the opening credits start, so it’s not all bad.

Unfortunately, it seems like they added the opening after the fact as the rest of the movie is rather light on nudity.  I guess the filmmakers thought if they frontload it with a lot of T & A to lure you in, you’d forget what you were watching and why you were watching it in the first place.  Oh, did I mention this is a W.A.V.E. movie?  Questioning what the fuck you’re watching kind of goes along with the territory.

We do get some great gore along the way.  There are slashed throats, hilarious brain operation scenes, zombie attacks, and even some Kung Fu too.  I also enjoyed the fact that when the zombies eat people, it’s not raw like in a Romero movie.  They actually take the time to put their prey in a giant pot and cook them like an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. 

What else can I tell you about this one?  There’s mud wrestling, bondage, discipline, electrocution, strangulation, wet T-shirts, catfights, and water fights.  I mean, a movie with all that going for it can’t be all bad.  It’s just way too long and much too slow moving in between the good stuff.

TUBI CONTINUED… COCAINE COUGAR (2023) *

Here’s another inane, frustrating, and forgettable no-budget loser from Dustin Ferguson.  The early scenes clue you in to just how rough things are going to be.  After the long opening title sequence (featuring some awful heavy metal music), we’re treated to pointless news reports and unending Found Footage scenes of people wandering around the woods.  It’s like half the movie is someone’s vacation videos passed off as a Cocaine Bear rip-off.

Anyway, a cougar escapes from a laboratory and hides out in the mountains. An annoying influencer and her cameraman boyfriend are also traipsing around the area.  While collecting footage for her social media videos, they have a run-in with the cougar, who thankfully kills them.  The crazed cat then kills a drug mule and eats his cache of coke.  Soon, the coked-up cougar finds its way into the city where it claims more victims.

You would think the fact that Cocaine Cougar is only fifty minutes long would be a sign that there is a God in Heaven and that he is merciful.  However, this was one of the longest fifty minutes in my entire life.  Because of the fractured narrative, lack of central characters, excessive padding, and complete non-ending, the “film” (notice how I put the word film in quotations) feels about five times that length.  The janky CGI cougar effects, annoying red tinted POV camerawork during the scenes of the cougar stalking its prey, and completely unnecessary amusement park sequences doesn’t help matters either.  The fact that most of the kills happen offscreen is further infuriating and helps ensure that I will not be watching a movie with the word “Cocaine” followed by an animal in the title any time soon. 

Jim Wynorski muse Rocky Demarco is the only name in the cast.  She plays a model who gets ate by the cougar.  Unfortunately, she isn’t in it long enough to leave much of an impression.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE SLASHER… IS THE SEX MANIAC! (1975) *** ½

A killer in a black mask, fedora and trench coat is going around slashing the throats of promiscuous wealthy married women.  Inspector Farley Granger is in pursuit, but even he can’t seem to crack the case.  He then tries a desperate Hail Mary to catch the killer, which could potentially blow up in his face.

The Slasher… is the Sex Maniac! is fairly sleazy all things considered.  It has a generous body count and plenty of gratuitous T & A, which makes it highly recommended.  Director Roberto Bianchi Montero, who is the father of Andrea (Burial Ground) Bianchi, keeps things moving along at a steady clip and is smart enough to evenly dole out the numerous kill scenes to prevent the audience from getting bored.

Granger is kind of one note in the thankless inspector role.  Luciano Rossi is fun though as the creepy blonde morgue attendant who likes to touch up the female corpses a little too much, which of course makes him the prime suspect.  However, it’s the ladies of the cast appearing in various stages of undress who are the most memorable.

Although the police procedural sequences are kind of rote and bland, the slashing scenes have a little bit of a kick to them.  The scene aboard a train has some effective lighting, and the part where the slasher sneaks up behind his prey in a foggy bathroom is well done too.  The thing that makes the flick cook is the third act twist.  I won’t spoil it for you, but you have to wonder if Thomas Harris saw this before he wrote Red Dragon.  The downbeat ending also packs a punch.

The film’s lasting legacy though is the fact that the producers later added hardcore scenes and notoriously rereleased it as “Penetration”, much to the embarrassment of Granger.

AKA:  Confessions of a Sex Maniac.  AKA:  So Sweet, So Dead.  AKA:  Revelations of a Sex Maniac to the Head of the Criminal Investigation Division.  AKA:  Bad Girls.  AKA:  Penetration.