THE NUN II (2023) *** ½

I did not have “The Nun II is the Best Conjuring Movie” on my 2023 bingo card, but here we are.  Considering the first one was forgettable, and that this sequel was directed by Michael Chaves, the man who helmed Conjuring 3 and The Curse of La Llorona, two of the worst entries in the entire Conjure-Verse, I have to say, my expectations were in the basement.  I was even prepared to write a scathing review full of clever bullshit like “The Nun II was NONE TOO good” or some crap like that.  Much to my surprise, this was a fun time at the movies.  (FULL DISCLOSURE:  Our local theater has $6 Tuesday specials, so that thrifty price point added to the overall enjoyment of the film.)

The plot:  Sexy Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga), who battled the evil nun Valak (Bonnie Aarons) in Part 1, is called upon once again by the Church to kick the (ghost who wears a) habit.  This time, the naughty nun has possessed a gardener (Jonas Bloquet) at a Catholic boarding school and is using him as a vessel to find a sacred artifact that will make her all powerful.  Naturally, it's up to Irene to save the day.

The Nun II is quite simply a Spook-a-Blast of the highest order.  It’s a remarkably efficient scare machine that’s more of a haunted hayride than a movie as something jumps out from the shadows every five minutes or so at the audience.  I’ve got to admit… Some of this shit works.  Horror, like comedy, depends on set-ups and punchlines.  If Nun II was a comedian, it would be Henny Youngman as it gives you a constant barrage of one-liners (and by “one-liners”, I mean “jump scares”) for close to two hours.  Did I care about the characters?  No.  Did it engage me on a philosophical level?  Absolutely not.  This thing is engineered to do one thing and one thing only:  Make popcorn fly.  And, brother, it succeeds.

Right from the opening sequence, the movie kicks ass and never looks back.  Some of the best moments involve a creepy stained-glass window, a deserted newsstand, a ghostly altar boy, and a fucking rampaging man goat.  When that fucking thing scampered down the steps and gave a gaggle of Catholic school girls a run for their money, I had to admit I was having fun.  By the time the Nun got ahold of the relic and turned into the thirty-foot tall Nunzilla, I had to admit this movie fucking rocks.

I got my $6 worth and then some.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: ALTER EGO (2002) ** ½

A sleazy promoter lures a bunch of underage Japanese “idols” to an abandoned school for a photoshoot.  During the shoot, crew members catch glimpses of their evil doppelgängers strolling the hallways, and foolishly wander off to look for them.  When they eventually catch up to their deadly doubles, they meet a grisly end.

Alter Ego is short and sweet.  It’s only an hour long and it gets right to the point, which is greatly appreciated, especially when you have a plot as thin as this one.  Despite the potentially lurid subject matter of underage girls being tricked into an illicit photoshoot, it’s all kind of tame.  It’s hard to say if it would’ve made a difference had the film really went for broke though.  It doesn’t quite completely work in this form either, but it’s moderately effective for the most part.  

The concept is reasonably solid, especially for a low budget movie.  I mean, the plot is a perfect set-up for thrifty film producers.  You don’t need to spend money on a bunch of fancy effects.  (The big special effect looks like a funhouse mirror filter you could get on your iPhone.)  All you really need are extra costumes, someone to double for the actors, and some clever editing.  (The single location helps keep costs down too.)  Heck, the effects of the people being twisted into human pretzels look pretty good (even if you can spot the seams).

Once a doppelgänger infiltrates the group, the paranoia is ratcheted up a notch.  It’s here where we get a mirror scene that plays like a low-key version of the blood test sequence from The Thing.  The finale is decent as well, and the wraparound segments aren’t too intrusive to the narrative.  If you’re looking for a quick fix of J-Horror this Halloween season, you can do much worse than Alter Ego.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: HIDEKI: EVIL DEAD TRAP 2 (1992) * ½

A serial killer called “The Street Killer” is running around offing prostitutes.  Meanwhile, a reporter tries to get her homely female projectionist friend to go out with a married loser named Hideki.  Pretty soon, she starts seeing a little ghost boy in the movie theater where she works, and things soon spiral out of control from there.

It’s been a while since I saw the first Evil Dead Trap, but as far as I can tell, this has fuck-all to do with the original.  At first, it’s hard to tell where the plot is going, and that could’ve worked if we really gave a shit about the characters.  Ultimately, it winds up being a sort of twisted love triangle deal, which is way less interesting than any other direction the plot could’ve potentially taken.

I guess there was a kernel of a good idea somewhere in Hideki:  Evil Dead Trap 2.  However, wherever that kernel was, it sure as shit didn’t pop.  In fact, nothing pops in this movie as it’s pretty much one big bore from start to finish.  There is some okay gore in the finale though.  We get some gut ripping, bone breaking, and self-mutilation.  Other than that, the climax is rushed, chaotic, and frankly, unsatisfying.

I watched this almost immediately after I saw Sadako because Tubi recommended it to me.  I figured, sure why not?  Another Japanese horror sequel?  Sign me up.  Turns out, they had much more in common than I initially thought as they both revolve around aborted baby ghosts seeking revenge.  (Tubi’s algorithm is on point.)  For all of its faults, Sadako handled the idea in a thought-provoking way.  The only thought Hideki:  Evil Dead Trap 2 provoked in me was, “When the hell is this gonna be over?”  

Bottom Line:  This is one trap not worth getting yourself into.

AKA:  Evil Dead Trap 2.  AKA:  Evil Dead Trap 2:  Hideki.  AKA:  Hideki:  The Killer.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO (2019) **

A little girl with amnesia is found wandering the streets and is taken to a children’s hospital for observation.  Her friendly doctor tries to reach her and help jog her memory.  It seems that her mother tried to burn her alive in their apartment believing she was the reincarnation of the evil ghost girl, Sadako.  When the doctor’s YouTuber brother makes a cursed viral video from inside the apartment, he mysteriously disappears a week later.  It’s then up to the good doctor to stop the curse and save her brother.

The director of the original Ringu (and the awful American sequel, The Ring Two), Hideo Nakata returned for this reboot of the series.  Like Sadako 3D 2, it’s more of a creepy kid movie than a Ring flick.  It also takes a while before Sadako finally comes crawling out the TV.  Also, you’re forced to watch a long Found Footage sequence in order to gather vital plot information, which kinda sucks.  The fact that snippets of this segment are often repeated to hammer home plot points that the audience has already figured out for themselves doesn’t help matters either.

While the pacing tends to be erratic, Nakata does give the film a sense of style, even if that doesn’t exactly translate into actual atmosphere (or scares).  That said, the finale is solid, and if it inhabited a movie that didn’t dawdle so damned much in the first two acts (or at least was a good fifteen minutes shorter) we might’ve had something here.  At any rate, the third act works, mostly due to the fact that it’s at the very least thematically interesting (the souls of unwanted children are using Sadako’s spirit as a vessel of revenge).  It’s just a shame that the overall results are mixed at best.  Still, it’s better than any of the American versions of The Ring by a long shot.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO 3D 2 (2013) * ½

Even if I did see this in its original 3D format, I still don’t think Sadako 3D 2 would’ve been anything to write home about as the 3D effects are rather limited this time out.  The only things that look like they may have popped out of the screen were leaves, molecules, hands, and bodies.  It’s certainly less eye-popping than the first one, that’s for sure.

The daughter of the heroine from Sadako 3D has turned into one of those standard issue creepy kids you see in horror movies that have their hair all in their face, glower at adults, and draw spooky pictures of ominous events that you just know will happen sooner or later.  She’s being raised by her aunt (mom died in childbirth offscreen) and the poor woman is ill-equipped to look after a goldfish let alone a creepy homicidal kid.  Before long, anyone who remotely pisses the brat off gets killed by her psychic temper tantrums (but only if they’re on their phone or laptop).  Is she really to blame for her telekinetic spurts of rage or is the evil Sadako controlling her from beyond the grave?

I wasn’t expecting much from Sadako 3D, but I found it to be an okay effort all things considered.  This sequel delivered just about what I was expecting from the first one.  Namely, not much.

The good news is that it isn’t a complete waste of time.  We get a pretty good knife to the eye, and a decent jump scare when someone tosses themselves out of a window and lands on a car.  The bad news is this is more of a creepy kid flick than a Ring sequel.  As such, there isn’t really enough here to base an entire movie around.  Much of the dialogue is exposition from the last movie and the new material assigned to the psychic kid is weak too.  

I guess I could’ve let a lot of that slide had the finale been half as fun as the previous outing.  I mean, say what you will about Sadako 3D, but at least the ending was kinda nuts.  Unfortunately, the climax of this one is a big letdown.   

AKA:  Sadako 2 3D.

THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER (2023) ** ½

David Gordon Green resurrected the Halloween franchise with mixed results.  This time, he works his mediocre magic on The Exorcist series.  It’s better than any of his Haddonfield efforts, but unlike the marginally bold Halloween Ends, he plays it safe this time out.  Maybe a bit too safe.

Leslie Odom Jr. stars as a single father whose daughter disappears in the woods along with a friend.  The kids return three days with no memory of what occurred there.  Soon, they begin exhibiting strange behavior and before long, the concerned parents face the possibility their kids are possessed.  Odom then seeks out Ellen Burstyn, who knows a thing or two about having a possessed kid, for help.

Green seems to be following The Force Awakens playbook note for note.  The first act is the best as it explores new characters who are following in the footsteps of their predecessors.  It’s just fresh enough to justify the film’s existence while still familiar enough not to alienate fans.  Then, once we bring in the legacy characters, things get a little shaky.  

While it’s fun seeing Burstyn again (and at ninety, she still looks great and is full of piss and vinegar), the second act is easily the weakest as Green feels like he’s rushing through things to get to the exorcism. Which is weird, since the first act follows William Friedkin’s slow burn template rather successfully.  It’s almost like they didn’t know if Burstyn was going to agree to do the movie until the last minute, so they just came up with a quick way to shoehorn (and then sideline) her in there.  From there, it plays more like a checklist of things you’d want to see in an Exorcist movie than an actual movie.  (The pea soup is noticeably absent though.)  However, the finale works just well enough to keep you invested.  The “it takes a village” approach to the exorcism (priests, witch doctors, friends, and neighbors all chip in to bring the devil down) is novel, although it admittedly lacks the power of the good old-fashioned fire and brimstone exorcisms of yore.

For everything the movie does right, there’s something that it fumbles and/or doesn’t fully explore.  As checkered as the Exorcist sequels are, it’s equally relieving and frustrating to have one that’s plays it this safe.  I mean, Part 2 is a piece of shit, but at least it’s bonkers.  

Green even rips off The Force Awakens’ final scene.  This bit feels equal measure fan service and a tease for another sequel.  If that’s the case, I guess I’ll be there opening night to see it.  I just hope Green and Co. have more up their sleeve next time.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO 3D (2013) **

Sadako 3D is a 3D reboot of The Ring.  Naturally, it’s not in 3D on Tubi.  If it were, there would be lots of bodies, hands, laptops, phones, glass, hair, and insects popping out of the screen.  There were certainly enough effects here to make me believe that if seen in the proper 3D version on the big screen, it might be enough to warrant adding an extra Half-Star to the rating.  Alas, here we are stuck with the 2D version.

Now that videotapes have become passé (for some people at least) the titular evil ghost girl has taken to haunting the internet.  Those who watch a “cursed video clip” of an internet celebrity committing suicide during a livestream also die by suicide seven days later.  After one of her students dies, a concerned teacher does some half-assed detective work.  Predictably, she and her boyfriend wind up watching the video.  Will her untapped extra sensory powers be enough to break the curse and stop the evil Sadako in time?

This wasn’t nearly as bad as I anticipated seeing how the Ringu movies (especially the American Ring remakes) do nothing for me.  (I did almost sort of like the Ring vs. Grudge crossover flick Sadako vs. Kayako though.)  It moves efficiently enough, and the performances are solid for the most part.  Plus, it earns points for having Sadako’s final form be something more than just another little girl with her hair in her face.  However, like most of these movies, it’s all rather bloodless and tame.  Also, the film really only has one trick to scare the audience (a hand reaching out of a computer screen) and it beats it into the ground fairly early on.  As I said, maybe it worked better in its original 3D format.  It’s all rather harmless enough for me to at least give it the benefit of the doubt.

AKA:  Sadako 3D:  Ring Originals.