THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BEACH MASSACRE AT KILL DEVIL HILLS (2017) *

Stacy (Taya Parker) brings her gals pals up to her beach house for a girls’ weekend.  They are surprised to find her sister is already there shooting a horror movie.  While they make the best of the situation, her psycho ex-husband (Ryan Izay) gets released from prison and comes looking for her. 

The best thing I can say about Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills is that it features a good amount of mid-tier low budget Scream Queens doing their thing.  Elissa Dowling, Sarah French, Dawna Lee Heising, and Diana Prince (AKA:  Darcy the Mail Girl from Joe Bob Briggs) are all present and accounted for.  Unfortunately, the movie never takes full advantage of their talents.  The only one who comes close to being utilized properly is Prince, whose nude scenes are either obscured by a stupid shower door or cut to ribbons by the editor.  I’m not saying more nudity could’ve saved this shit show, but it could’ve made it go down a little smoother. 

At ninety-nine minutes, it’s also way too long.  The film suffers from long driving scenes, black and white domestic violence flashbacks, and Lifetime Movie of the Week scenes of women talking about abusive relationships.  What’s worse is that no one gets killed until the hour mark.  Until then, it’s like being stuck at a beach house with people you can’t stand.  

Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills is also hampered by some wonky editing too.  There are jump cuts here that are so severe I momentarily thought the internet was cutting out on my smart TV.  We also have to suffer through inexplicable slow-motion scenes, dramatic scenes where the music drowns out the dialogue (which might not be a problem, depending on how you look at it), and scenes that are repeated.  I swear, the editor must’ve had narcolepsy or something.  In fact, it often feels like you’re watching an assembly cut of all the footage that was shot as some scenes run on forever, while others are filled with more random jump cuts than your average influencer video on Instagram. 

Also, at the risk of spoiling things, it almost seemed like overkill having two separate sets of killers.  “Overkill” is usually a good thing in a movie with the word “Massacre” in the title, but that’s unfortunately not the case here.  One duo or the other would’ve sufficed.  Either that or have one pair of killers go after the characters and send the other duo after the editor.

AKA:  You Found Me.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BABYSITTER MASSACRE (2013) ****

A babysitter is brutally murdered on Halloween night.  Seven years later, the killer returns and begins picking off members of her babysitter club one by one.  After each murder, he texts pictures of the victims to Angela (Erin R. Ryan) who is holding a babysitter reunion/Halloween party.  The killer eventually comes for Angela and her friends, and the tough-talking survivor of the group, Bianca (Marylee Osborne) is all-too ready to kick his ass.

While you’re watching Babysitter Massacre, one thing becomes crystal clear:  Director Henrique Couto knows how to make a movie.  Or at least a slasher movie.  (You can tell he knows what he’s doing when one of the characters namedrops Sorority House Massacre… 2.)  He gives us long scenes of hot naked women bathing before they are abducted, tortured, and killed, which is the sign of any good slasher director.  Not one to rest on his laurels, Couto also peppers the film with dramatic dialogue scenes, which give his actresses an opportunity to not only showcase their bodies, but their acting range as well.  It’s a nice and balanced… shall we say… tit for tat.

Couto delivers a particularly amazing sequence where an enormously chesty curvy nerd dumps a bag of Halloween candy all over her nude body as an act of seduction that is like some Criterion Collection level of filmmaking.  There’s also a scene where the babysitters find a mysterious package on their porch, bring it inside, and open it up… only to discover… It’s full of lingerie!  Then, the plot stops dead in its tracks so each lady can disrobe, try on lingerie, and model it for their friends.  Eat your heart out, Orson Welles!

The casting director deserved some kind of award too.  None of the actresses are below a C-cup.  If they ever start remaking Russ Meyer movies, Couto would be near the top of my the wish list.

Couto was also responsible for some great dialogue too, like, “Hold onto your britches, bitches!”

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: AFTER SCHOOL MASSACRE (2014) ** ½

A girl commits suicide at a slumber party after her boyfriend breaks up with her. Unfazed by the ordeal, the girls plan another sleepover the next night without her (obviously). Meanwhile, a young, disgruntled teacher loses his job, snaps, and kills the principal.  He then sets his sights to slaughter the sexy students at the sleepover.

After School Massacre wears its inspiration on its sleeve, which is always appreciated.  It has a distinct ‘80s vibe as it’s essentially a homage to Slumber Party Massacre.  In terms of skin, we get a few sex, shower, and Truth or Dare scenes, but they’re all rather brief, and end before they can gather up much momentum.  Even though the running time is a mercifully short seventy-three minutes, there’s a long, unnecessary dream scene that seems like it’s only there to pad things out.  

Thankfully, it moves at a brisk pace and sports a decent body count.  The kills aren’t particularly graphic, but writer/director Jared (Deadly Punkettes) Masters has a few novel moments in store for the audience.  The memorable death scenes include a girl being drowned while bobbing for apples, another girl having her throat slit by an electric carving knife, and slumber partygoer getting a red-hot curling iron shoved down her throat.  The film also contains a death by mailbox sequence, which is something that I can honestly say I’ve never seen before.  So, bravo for that.  Probably the best moment though is the funny title sequence where all the credits appear as notes being passed back and forth between high school girls in class.

The cast is solid for the most part.  Danika Galindo, Lindsay Lamb, and Mindy Robinson all fair well playing the slumber party partakers.  It’s Dawna Lee (Amityville Clownhouse) Heising though who gets the best moments as the floozy mother who foolishly leaves the teens alone for the night.

AKA:  Teacher’s Day.  AKA:  A Teacher’s Day Massacre.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: PLAY DEAD (2009) ** ½

It’s inevitable when I do one of these 31 Days of Horror-Ween deals that I wind up watching something that looks like a horror movie and sounds like a horror movie but turns out to be only marginally horror related.  Such is the case with Play Dead.  It’s loaded with black comedy and has a dark edge to it, but it’s not exactly a horror flick.  Then again, after the one-two punch of Grotesque and Brutal, I needed something a little more lightweight.  Okay, maybe “lightweight” isn’t the right word here.  “Gory” was probably the word I was looking for.

An old man perpetually lets a poor young cobbler borrow money.  When he’s unable to pay his debts off in a timely manner, the old man takes it upon himself to make time with the cobbler’s wife as collateral.  In order to duck her obligations, she pretends to be dead.  At the funeral, the old timer takes the grieving husband out for some sake and suggests leaving two of his buddies behind to watch over her “corpse”.  That’s when their necrophiliac tendencies start to come out.  Naturally, she’s forced to play dead in order to keep up the charade.

The set-up is ripe with possibilities, but the filmmakers kind of go overboard with the comedy at some junctures.  I guess that makes sense, since some of the subject matter is so cringey.  I mean it’s basically a bedroom farce with some (presumed) necrophilia.  The two chuckleheads that molest what they think is a corpse are played much too broadly to get any real laughs though, and the Zatoichi impersonator is kind of an odd third act addition to the mix.  

Then again, I’m not sure there was a sure-fire way to play any of this.  If they went the horror route, it might’ve been too bleak and/or depressing.  If they went any further with the comedy, it would’ve just been… weird.  

The good news is after everything is conveniently wrapped up, the husband and wife get back together and have a lengthy, steamy, and erotic love scene.  It’s a nice reward for the audience for sitting through so much sketchy/questionable canoodling early on in the picture.  It’s just a shame that it took so long for Play Dead to come to life.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BRUTAL (2018) ***

A serial killer is running around Japan kidnapping, torturing, and dismembering his victims.  Meanwhile, a female serial killer is busy picking up men and ruthlessly mutilating them in their bathing suit areas.  When the pair eventually meet, will it be love at first sight or a match made in Hell?

Brutal tries a little too hard to be shocking, and because of that, it sometimes fumbles.  The death scenes are appropriately over the top, but the Grindhouse aesthetic of the scratchy, jumpy print lessens the overall impact as it keeps calling attention to itself and reminding the audience that it’s only a movie.  Interestingly enough, it’s the quieter moments that are more effective and unsettling.  The scenes of the killer mopping up, disposing of the victims’ leftovers, and his unorthodox bathing habits are even more disturbing than the murders themselves.  I also liked the scenes of him hanging out and talking to the remains of his victims.

The sequences that follow the female serial killer’s day-to-day routine work a little better, mostly because it’s not so in-your-face.  The highlight is the long scene where she picks up a potential victim and realizes she might be in love with him, which complicates matters.  The third act is probably the best as the two killers’ date quickly escalates into a bloody battle of the sexes, before culminating in one of the grossest love scenes in the history of the silver screen.  (Another gnarly moment occurs when the killer jams a knife into the sole of his victim’s foot.)  

If the rest of the film had this same kind of vibe, it might’ve been a classic.  As it is, Brutal is uneven, but fitfully effective.  Although it takes a little while to find its footing, when it works, it works.  I’m just certain it would’ve played so much better without the distracting, scratchy, faux-Grindhouse print.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: GROTESQUE: UNRATED VERSION (2010) ****

It might seem kind of weird, but Grotesque:  Unrated Version is the actual onscreen title.  Normally, whenever a movie gets an unrated version, that ballyhoo is usually reserved for the DVD cover.  I liked that about this flick because it lets you know up front what you’re getting yourself into.  The squeamish need not apply for this one.  No one could accuse Grotesque:  Unrated Version of holding back or being watered down as this is one of the most balls-out horror shows I’ve seen in some time.  (In some countries it was known as Martyrs 2, which kind of makes sense once you see it.)

A couple on their first date are knocked unconscious, kidnapped, and taken to a dungeon where they are tortured face to face by a pie-eating weirdo.  To prove he’s not such a bad guy, their captor gives them a chance to survive.  If the couple can “excite” him with their suffering, he will (maybe) let them go.

Grotesque:  Unrated Version is a Japanese horror flick set in the American torture porn mode.  It has the same kind of dingy, washed-out cinematography and scummy looking sets that hallmarked the genre during the ‘00s.  What makes it different is the highly charged sexual nature of the kidnapping.  I mean, some folks go all the way on the first date, but nothing like these two.  There’s one scene in particular where the bodily fluids start flying that even impressed this jaded horror hound.

Then the REALLY gruesome stuff happens.  And “by gruesome stuff”, I mean the sicko brings out his Makita chainsaw (he holds the logo up to the camera for so long that I’m sure the Makita company paid for the product placement) and starts turning fingers into homemade DIY jewelry.  And that’s not even getting into the EXTREMELY gruesome stuff that happens.  I can’t quite bring myself to tell you what goes down when the couple gets out of line.  Let’s just say that when the scene occurs, you might want to nip out for a bit. 

Then… things go from EXTREMELY gruesome to NAUSEATINGLY gruesome. 

Knowing that this was also sold as a Martyrs sequel might give you an idea what to expect.  It also has a little bit of the same DNA as The Human Centipede too.  Your mileage may vary of course, but it definitely made me squirm in my seat.  This one's only reserved for the strongest of stomachs.  If you don’t want to see people graphically mutilated and tortured, this will not be your cup of tea.  Grotesque is grotesque as all get-out.  Gorehounds, what are you waiting for? 

AKA:  Grotesque.  AKA:  Martyrs 2.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SICK NURSES (2007) ****

A doctor makes his living on the black market harvesting and selling organs.  When he falls out of love with his girlfriend, he kills her and harvests her organs.  That way he can live happily ever after with her sexy sister.  This, if you ask me, takes him right out of the running for the Boyfriend of the Year award.  While he’s out of the office collecting payment, his girlfriend’s spirit is wreaking havoc on the hot nurses who helped perform the operation.

Sick Nurses is a terrific Thai horror flick that has a neat gimmick.  The spirit has until the stroke of midnight to kill her victims to successfully get her revenge.  The nurses all wind up splitting up at quarter of twelve, and the ghost goes to work on the nurses at approximately the same time.  Because of that, after every death, we go back in time five minutes and follow a different nurse until they meet their demise.

It helps that the nurses are all spunky, colorful, and lively characters.  There’s always a temptation in horror movies to make the victims interchangeable and disposable.  You know, just more fodder for the body count.  This one bucks the trend and gives us lots of female characters who are fun to watch.  

The body count, it should be said, is rather hefty.  I’ll admit, some of the kill scenes are stronger than others (what’s with Asian horror movies and hair?), but there are several disturbing/disgusting/badass moments here, along with plenty of atmosphere on display, which means there’s lots of fun to be had.  The scene where a nurse hacks her own jawbone off is particularly gnarly.  

The ghost herself is pretty cool too.  Painted black, wearing a mossy-looking dress, and flashing a striking deadpan stare, she cuts a memorable image while tormenting the sleazy nurses.  It all culminates in a legitimately shocking twist ending that I can honestly say I didn’t see coming.  In short, Sick Nurses lives up to its title.  And then some.