TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: SORORITY PARTY MASSACRE (2012) **

Detective Watts (Thomas Downey) is like two seconds away from being taken off the force for police brutality.  Lucky for him, his Captain’s daughter is missing, so instead of being suspended, he gets assigned to find her.  Seems she was supposed to arrive at her sorority, but she never showed up.  After Watts arrives at the sorority house to investigate, more and more girls are murdered.  It’s then up to him and the dim-witted town sheriff (Ed O’Ross) to apprehend the killer. 

The big problem with Sorority Party Massacre is the tone is all out of whack.  It starts off with a solid opening sequence that copies Scream as a gravelly-voiced killer threatens a sexy co-ed over the phone.  So far, so good.  However, its many attempts at comedy are mostly unsuccessful (there are fart jokes).  It’s not really a spoof of the horror genre, and it’s just too goofy to work as a straight-up slasher.  Ultimately, it never decides if it wants to be a comedy with occasional bloodshed, or a horror flick with occasional laughs. 

Another stumbling block is the film’s over-reliance on flashbacks to propel the plot forward.  The comedic flashbacks of Downey dealing with his anger management issues are especially lame and go on far too long.  There are a lot of montages too, but since many of them revolve around girls wearing bikinis (or sometimes even less), I guess I can give them a Mulligan on that. 

The pacing (not to mention the editing) gets increasingly erratic as the film wears on, and the hefty one-hundred-and-three-minute running time doesn’t do it any favors either.  It’s also a bit of a rip-off that the sisters never have a sorority party per se.  (The girls are just gathered to partake in a scholarship contest.)  The ending is needlessly convoluted too, which also holds it back.  On the upside, it boasts a pretty decent cast, all things considered.  We have Leslie Easterbrook as the sorority den mother, Kevin Sorbo as Downey’s captain, Louis Mandylor as the mayor, Ron Jeremy as a cop, and the late Richard Moll as a creepy boat captain.  The kills aren’t bad either.  There’s death by acid, a bee attack (which occurs offscreen, unfortunately), burning, and a hatchet to the head.  

It’s just a shame that everything else in between the carnage is so overcooked.  The film would’ve been just fine if it concentrated on the sorority babes in the house being menaced by a killer.  Unfortunately, all the subplots and detective bullshit weigh it down. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: SLIME CITY MASSACRE (2010) ** ½

Twenty-two years after the release of Slime City, writer/director Gregory Lamberson returned with this super-goopy sequel.  It’s bigger in many ways (especially in scope and budget) than its predecessor.  That said, it’s just as uneven as the original, although admittedly, some of the slimy special effects are sporadically amusing. 

After a dirty bomb drops on New York, scavengers Alexa (Jennifer Bihl) and Cory (Kealan Patrick Burke) work their way through the city wasteland.  They meet up with another couple (Debbie Rochon and Lee Perkins) and team up to survive.  While foraging for supplies, they come across a stash of homemade hooch and Himalayan Yogurt.  When they eat and drink the slop, they turn into drippy, oozy, horny slime people. 

Slime City Massacre is hit and miss both in terms of tone and humor.  It honestly didn’t need the constant black and white flashbacks to the cult leader who created the slime-inducing microbrew, and the whole backstory of the killer yogurt was probably more convoluted than it needed to be.  However, it does feature a great scene where Debbie turns into a bathtub full of orange goo and her boyfriend STILL manages to find a way to have a little sexy time with her. 

The cast is ideal for this sort of thing.  Rochon is a lot of fun as one of the mutating slime junkies, and her final form is pretty sweet too.  I also enjoyed seeing Roy Frumkes turning up as a greedy land developer (named “Ronald Crump”).  His appearance here makes sense since these films have always been a homage to Street Trash.  (A bottle of Tenafly Viper makes a cameo.)  Also, it’s hard not to like any movie that features Lloyd Kaufman disintegrating before the opening credits.  While it does take a while to get to the gory bits, when the blood and slime finally start flowing, there’s a great gag where someone gets wine bottles shoved into the eyeballs. 

I can’t say Slime City Massacre was worth the wait, but it’s about on par with Slime City.  In fact, I’d probably watch a third installment if Lamberson ever concludes the trilogy.  Hopefully, he won’t wait another twenty-two years to make another one.

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: SERIAL KILLER MASSACRE (1997) ** ½

Serial Killer Massacre is a Shot-on-Video horror movie that sort of plays like a serial killer version of a chick flick.  As camcorder horrors go, it’s better than most.  Then again, if you have a low tolerance for this sort of thing, you probably won’t walk away impressed.  That said, the performances are certainly better than you would typically see in something like this.

A guy in a ski mask runs around kidnapping and killing women.  He also hears voices and is so unhinged that when his therapist tells him, “Have a nice day”, he snaps and strangles her!  Meanwhile, a female serial killer is going around picking up dudes and murdering them.  It’s only a matter of time before their paths cross.  After they unsuccessfully try to kill one another, they figure, it must be love at first fight… err… sight.  But will it be a match made in heaven or a match made in hell?

The murder sequences are kind of hit and miss as the film offers you a mix of the standard stabbings along with some assorted shootings.  One scene blatantly rips off the iconic bathtub scene in I Spit on Your Grave, although it’s not nearly as effective.  Then again, it’s like I always say:  If you’re going to steal from somewhere, steal from the best.  We also get an OK decapitation and a solid scissors-to-the-eyeballs scene.  There’s even some gratuitous T & A in there for good measure, including a comically long scene where a decent looking lady starts sexing up an ugly fella. 

Honestly, there are no real surprises here.  This is one of those movies where what you see is what you get.  However, at fifty-five minutes, it doesn’t waste any time getting down to business, which is always appreciated, especially in the SOV horror genre. 

AKA:  Dying to Meet You.  AKA:  Serial Killers:  A Love Story. 

ALBERT BROOKS: DEFENDING MY LIFE (2023) *** ½

Usually, a red flag goes up when a director makes a documentary about his best friend.  It’s almost a sure bet the film will be a puff piece full of softball questions that won’t really cut to the heart of the subject.  I mean, if a director was making a documentary on a controversial subject that just so happened to be his best friend, it would be one-sided and boring. Then again, when the subject is Albert Brooks and the filmmaker is Rob Reiner, all that kinda goes out the window.  

So, basically what we have here is two friends eating dinner and talking shop, while Brooks takes Reiner on a trip down memory lane.  He talks about his early life, his groundbreaking stand-up career, and his equally entertaining work in the movies.  Because it’s just two friends talking, the conversation is casual, not interrogational.  Like most documentaries, Reiner peppers the film with snippets and clips to illustrate points and highlight Brooks’ career milestones, while occasionally cutting to talking head interviews from fans and contemporaries. 

We see Brooks early in his career via his cutting-edge comedy appearances on TV variety shows to his sets on Johnny Carson to the short films he made for Saturday Night Live.  The big revelation here is that Brooks was initially tapped to be the permanent host of the show, and he was the one who suggested they should have a different host week to week.  (Another cool tidbit is the fact that he and Steven Spielberg, who is among the interviewees, used to cruise Hollywood Boulevard with a home movie camera and do impromptu man on the street interviews for shits and giggles.)  By the time you get to the clips from his films, you’ll be making a mental checklist of Brooks-related bits to YouTube after you’re done with the movie.

One of the most innovative comedic minds of the 20th century, it’s almost unfathomable that Brooks hasn’t had a documentary made about him until now.  It also happens to be one of Reiner’s best films in years and shows that even though he made the immortal This is Spinal Tap all those years ago, he maybe should’ve been making real documentaries all this time. 

Ultimately, Albert Brooks:  Defending My Life acts as a fun, if lightweight, career retrospective.  While it may stop short of being the definitive film on the subject, it’s massively entertaining to see two comedy greats picking each other’s brains for ninety minutes.  It’s certainly in the running for one of the best docs of the year.  

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: THE SCISSORS MASSACRE (2008) ****

A young schoolgirl named Mayumi (Rin Asuka) seemingly has everything going for her.  She’s in love with the captain of the track team, and now that her older sister has been married off, she’s taken over the best bedroom in the house.  Life is good.  Tragically, her family is subject to a horrific attack that leaves Mayumi’s mother dead and her face horribly disfigured.  Once life begins returning to some semblance of normal, a killer in a red coat starts to kill off her classmates with a pair of extremely sharp scissors. 

For the first half hour or so of this movie you’re gonna think this is just a sweet coming of age story.  You’ll be wondering how can such a sweet and innocent drama be called The Scissors Massacre?  Once it turns on a dime, shit gets real in a hurry.  Folks, trust me when I tell you, this flick features some of the ghastliest bloodletting I’ve seen in a while. 

Surprisingly enough, the dramatic scenes are exceptionally strong for a movie with the words “Scissors” and “Massacre” in the title.  We really get to spend time with Mayumi and her family before everything goes to hell.  Even then, we get to see their interactions and how they come together in the wake of tragedy.  Just when it seems like the wounds are healing, problems arise to threaten to tear them apart yet again.  The film is full of some genuinely heartbreaking moments and well-crafted drama.  In fact, some of the dramatic scenes are more painful to watch than the horror stuff. 

This is actually a sequel to a flick called A Slit-Mouthed Woman.  I’m not sure if it’s directly related or if it’s just a tale about another Slit-Mouthed Woman (which is a popular Japan folktale).  Either way, this is one unsettling, effective, and unforgettable horror movie. 

AKA:  A Slit-Mouthed Woman 2.  AKA:  Carved 2.  

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: REUNION MASSACRE (2014) * ½

Breana Mitchell stars as a woman who recently broke up with her boyfriend (Jarad Allen).  She receives an ominous warning from an automated Zoltar fortune teller at a carnival but thinks nothing of it.  When she gets home, she finds an invitation to her high school reunion waiting for her in the mail.  On her way to the reunion, her car runs out of gas, and she is captured and tormented by a killer in a clown mask. 

Reunion Massacre is only an hour long, so writer/director Dustin Ferguson added bumpers starring a horror hostess named “Grindhouse Ghoulia” (Kerrie Waybright Smith) to beef up the running time.  It’s kind of funny when she goes to say the title of the film, someone else says “Reunion Massacre” over top of her dialogue, which makes it obvious that this was repackaged and/or re-released for Tubi.   (Apparently, the original title was Invitation to Die.)

While Ferguson has the bare bones for a solid horror flick here, it’s mostly undone by all the padding.  He gives us long scenes of Mitchell cooking and eating spaghetti, a montage of her and a gal pal putting up Halloween decorations, pointless driving scenes, black and white domestic abuse flashbacks, negative image dream scenes, needless shots of Mitchell hanging around a botanical garden, and a lot of time is spent on her carving a pumpkin.  There’s even a scene where she lies on the couch and watches Casablanca.  Note to prospective filmmakers:  Never show a scene of someone watching Casablanca in your crappy movie because it will just make the audience wish they were watching Casablanca instead. 

Oh, and can you even call this Reunion Massacre if she never even makes it to the reunion?  Shouldn’t it be called On the Way to the Reunion Massacre?  Still, as bad as most of this is, it’s far from the worst Dustin Ferguson movie I’ve seen. 

AKA:  Invitation to Die.

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: REDWOOD MASSACRE: ANNIHILATION (2020) ** ½

We pick up ten years after the events of The Redwood Massacre.  Tom (Jon Campling), the father of one of the Redwood Killer’s victims, has written a book about the Redwood Massacre.  While on a book tour, an obsessed fan named Max (Damien Puckler) claims he’s discovered new evidence of the Killer’s whereabouts, prompting the author and his daughter Laura (Danielle Harris) to join in a search of the area.  Little does the family realize, the fanboy is also a serial killer himself and may be leading them into a trap. 

It seems that returning writer/director David Ryan Keith went into this sequel with the intention of playing with the audience’s expectations.  Everywhere the first film zigged, this one zags.  Instead of having an English cast this time out, they managed to get nothing but American actors (including Halloween franchise fan favorite Harris).  Instead of taking place in the woods, it’s set in an underground military base/mad scientist lab where the hulking killer was born and bred.  Speaking of the killer, he’s given a lot less screen time in this one, which means the body count is lower and the gore isn’t as over the top.  (We still get plenty of stabbing, hacking, gut ripping, and head lopping though.)

Like a lot of sequels, Keith’s under the impression that bigger is better.  The budget is obviously larger, we have not one, but two killers, and the running time is expanded to a cumbersome one-hundred-and-three minutes.  The killer is also given an unnecessary backstory, which I guess can be said for many horror sequels.  I’m not saying that it doesn’t work.  It’s just that it doesn’t work quite as well as the first time around, and there are a lot more lulls in between the highlights. 

Harris is likable as ever.  She gives a feisty performance and is credible in her ass-kicking scenes.  She also gets a memorable moment where she gun-punches someone.  Puckler is pretty good too as the fledgling serial killer as he looks like a slightly more intense version of Casper Van Dien.  Their efforts don’t quite push this one into the win column, but they do help keep it afloat throughout the overly bloated running time. 

AKA:  Redwood Massacre 2:  Annihilation.