TUBI CONTINUED… THE 50 WORST MOVIES EVER MADE (2004) **

The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made sounds like something that would be right up my alley.  However, it’s only an hour long, so they basically spend a minute or so on each movie, which is disappointing.  (Some only get about fifteen measly seconds.)  It doesn’t help that the narration pretty much amounts to a couple of snarky soundbites about the film, and only a few clips from each flick are shown.  Ultimately, it’s more than a countdown than a documentary.  If you actually want to know something about the movies themselves than just superficial fluff, you’ll be severely disappointed.  As background noise for a party, I guess it wouldn’t be too bad.  

The list tries to give us a mixture of box office bombs (Ishtar, Howard the Duck, Xanadu), films that are “So bad, they’re good” (Robot Monster, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, Robot vs the Aztec Mummy), and ones that are just plain bad (Mesa of Lost Women, They Saved Hitler’s Brain, Leonard Part 6).  Sadly, you know you’re in trouble when they put Glen or Glenda at number 50.  That picture is actually quite fascinating, despite its technical limitations.  Many of the other films chosen are just low budget drive-in flicks that aren’t actually bad (The Crawling Hand, J.D.’s Revenge, The Killer Shrews).  Well… at least I like them.  Most of the clips were just taken from the trailers, so it makes me wonder if it would’ve just played better as a trailer compilation without all the unnecessary commentary.  

Some of the trivia tidbits will be old hats for bad movie fans.  (Phil Tucker, the director of Robot Monster attempted suicide after the movie was panned, Pia Zadora made her acting debut in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Smokey and the Bandit 3 was originally going to be called Smokey is the Bandit, etc.)  While there are worse ways to kill an hour, this “documentary” makes the cardinal sin of mistaking “B movies” for “bad movies”.  In fact, the only movies I would consider bad enough for a list like this were They Saved Hitler’s Brain, The Great Alligator (AKA:  Big Alligator River), Xanadu, and The Wild Women of Wongo.  Again, I wouldn’t go so far to call this terrible, but it’s more irritating than enlightening, especially when they’re dissing movies that are legitimately badass (Galaxy of Terror, The Crippled Masters, Bloodsucking Freaks).  Weirdly, there’s a lot of Jack Hill movies (The Swinging Cheerleaders, Spider Baby, and Sorceress) here that don’t belong anywhere near this list.  

AKA:  The 50 Worst Movies of All Time.

TUBI CONTINUED… BIRTHRIGHT (1951) ** ½

This was recommended to me since I watched Because of Eve.  Because the world needs more syphilis dramas, I decided to check it out.  I have to say, I liked the opening where a friendly sounding narrator says, “Many people gave their time to help tell this story,” before introducing the cast.  We soon learn this isn’t some kind of folksy, homespun, Our Town-style opening, but rather an upfront apology to the audience for all the amateurish acting we’re about to see. 

Chicken farmer John (Boyce Brown) goes into business with his crusty father-in-law, who blames him for everything that goes wrong on the farm.  He also has to deal with nagging wife Liza (Marjory Morris) and his insufferable mother-in-law.  In an effort to get away from all their pestering, John goes out for a night on the town and has a one-night stand with a waitress named Nell (Paula Haygood), who unbeknownst to her, has syphilis.  Flash-forward a few months, and Liza is expecting.  Nell, desperate to find John, finally tracks him down to let him know he’s been infected.  But will it be enough notice to prevent the baby from being born with syphilis?

Birthright was made with good intentions in Athens, Georgia to help inform and educate southern folk about the importance of syphilis detection and treatment.  Of course, the filmmakers had to throw a little skin in there just to get people in the door.  That’s well and good, but I think it’s kind of shitty that they throw a lot of blame on the wife for not going to the doctor sooner.  I mean Jesus, that’s nowhere near as bad as, say, her husband having a one-night stand and bringing home VD.  In fact, the husband gets off the hook so easily for his infidelity that it’s almost insulting.  Not to mention the fact that a potential source of drama goes untapped as he’s almost immediately forgiven for all wrongdoing.  Director Bill Clifford does a good job addressing the ticking timebomb aspect of treating the baby as soon as possible though.   

There is a funny scene where the waitress learns she has syphilis and is informed to contact her previous sex partners.  The nurse even says, “If they’re married, they will probably make their wives sick with syphilis”!  I’m not sure how true this all rings, but it’s a hilarious way to hammer home a plot point.

As an “Adults Only Roadshow Attraction”, Birthright hits its marks.  If you were left frustrated by the brief, unflattering, and unsexy glimpse of Haygood topless (she looks like a deer in headlights) early in the picture, don’t fret.  Hang in there because the “square up” reel is pretty gnarly.  The last ten minutes is a birth of a baby scene that has a novelty of the kid being breech.  That means instead of coming out headfirst, it’s birthed butt first, which requires extra maneuvering by the obstetrician.  Sure, it’s not quite enough to make it all worthwhile, but it’s at least something. 

TUBI CONTINUED… WOWZERS (2019) **

Jaqueline (Sam Fox) kills her husband, who may or may not have deserved it.  Haunted by strange dreams, she runs off to a den of inequity called Wowzers ran by the strange Mr. Dimms (Sam Ball) who openly complains about his inability to cum.  When Jaqueline meets another lost soul named Kayla (Sarah Jo Marson), they decide to run away together.  That is, until the mysterious proprietor offers to give her the answers she’s been so desperately seeking. 

Visually, Wowsers is a lot of fun to look at.  There are shots and scenes here that might remind you of David Lynch, Terrence Malick or Jonathan Glazer.  Some sequences feel completely alien, yet eerily familiar.  Imagine if Mulholland Drive and Cafe Flesh had a mutant baby, and that only halfway describes it. 

That last paragraph may have you chomping at the bit to see Wowzers but be warned.  It ain’t all that great.  Since it’s only thirty-eight minutes long, it’s hard to get your bearings or have time enough to figure out what it all means.  (Or if it means anything, really.)  The dream sequences take up a lot of the running time and they alternate between pointlessly arty and frustratingly vague.  Granted, there is some memorable imagery here (like the sexy nun dominatrix), but writer/director Ace Thor’s script is much too flimsy to support his admittedly interesting visuals.  Ultimately, it’s much too abstract to be satisfying as a narrative, and too thin to really be “about” anything in particular. 

Fox is pretty good in the lead and looks great in a skintight latex catsuit.  If only her character had more to go on, we might’ve been able to see what she was really capable of as an actress.  Marson also makes quite a impression in her short amount of screen time.  Maybe next time out, they’ll both land a vehicle worthy of their talents. 

TUBI CONTINUED… CAMP BLOOD 666 PART 2: EXORCISM OF THE CLOWN (2023) * ½

I think this might be a cinematic first.  A sequel that’s a sequel to a sequel.  I know all sequels after Part 3 are technically sequels to sequels, but this is a legitimate sequel to a sequel that carries on the plot of that film.  I guess maybe you could throw in those X-Men 1.5 and Spider-Man 2.1 DVDs, but those were more director’s cuts than new films.  Speaking of Marvel there’s been a lot of talk lately about comic book franchise fatigue.  You want to talk about “franchise fatigue”?  Try sitting through nine Camp Blood movies in five days. 

This one starts with a couple going to a bar and asking the bartender about the legend of Camp Blood.  Here, we get the requisite flashbacks you’d expect from a Camp Blood movie (which fortunately for the audience includes more footage of Tina Krause that wasn’t present in the Tubi version of the original Camp Blood 666).  Then the plot begins. 

It seems they’re reopening Camp Blood again and Satanist George Stover is having none of it.  He orders his psycho clown mask-wearing son to go on a rampage.  Meanwhile, a witch controls another clown mask-wearing psycho to do her bidding.  When a church group goes to the camp for a retreat, they run into not one, but two killer clowns. 

There was a funny scene early on that gave me hope.  It comes when the killer sees one of his sexy past victims (Mel Heflin) appearing as both an angel and a devil, just like an old Bugs Bunny cartoon.  Sadly, that’s about as good as it ever got though.  From there, it was mostly a slog. 

The big problem is the long sequence where the church group gets hammered at the local watering hole and starts causing trouble.  This scene goes on forever and pretty much stops the movie dead in its tracks.  At least it culminates with two of the drunk ladies showering together. 

Despite the fact there’s two killer clowns in this one, the gore is pretty weak and many of the kills feel rushed.  The lowlight is the really cheesy arm ripping scene complete with awful green screen effects and chintzy CGI.  The titular exorcism is painfully anticlimactic too.  With any luck, this will be the last chapter in the Camp Blood saga.  Then again, probably not.

TUBI CONTINUED… CHILDREN OF CAMP BLOOD (2020) **

Here’s yet another Mark Polonia-directed entry in the Camp Blood series.  (He was also responsible for Camp Blood:  First Slaughter, It Kills:  Camp Blood 7, and Ghost of Camp Blood.)  This one acts as a sequel to both Part 7 and Ghost of Camp Blood.  This is the eleventh movie in the franchise all together, and despite some wonky moments, it’s surprisingly watchable.

Children of Camp Blood is set in the Friday the 13th Part 5 mold of having a mental health clinic popping up on the old grounds of a camp where a bunch of people were killed years earlier.  A caring counselor engages with the patients in group therapy to help them get over their shared trauma.  Naturally, the killer clown is still on the loose and looking to add them to his body count. 

The novelty here is that the patients are all children of the victims of the Camp Blood killer.  While it’s not an earth-shattering development by any means, it’s kind of a neat way to connect a few of the dots and help align some of the messy continuity of the series.  Sure, Polonia still can’t resist the urge to reuse footage from the previous movies in the form of dreams and flashbacks (and a scene where the killer watches footage on his laptop?!?).  However, the flashbacks aren’t as flagrant as some of the other sequels.  In fact, this might be the best film in the series.  Or at the very least, the most competent one in the bunch. 

That said, that doesn’t exactly make Children of Camp Blood “good” or even “fun”.  It also doesn’t help that it takes a while before the killer starts doing his thing.  Or that most of the kills are just simple decapitations.  Still, Polonia keeps things moving along at an agreeable pace, and the set-up is just fresh enough to inject a little life into the long-running series. 

TUBI CONTINUED… CAMP BLOOD 8: REVELATIONS (2020) **

Before I get to my Camp Blood 8:  Revelations review, I just wanted to give a quick update on my Tubi Continued… challenge.  At the beginning of the year, I said I wanted to watch 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days.  Well, after 11 months (334 days), I have watched 323 movies, putting me 11 movies behind schedule.  I plan on making up the difference this month.  Will I be able to complete the challenge?  Follow along, dear readers…

In what purports to be the eighth entry in the Camp Blood series (it’s actually the tenth, but hey who’s counting?), a coach (Phoebe Dollar from Goth) and her all-girl volleyball team are on their way to a match when their car breaks down near Camp Blood. The killer clown this time out has a demented incestuous mother (stand-up comedian-turned porn star Sally Mullins) who goads him into killing.  The girls stupidly split up and soon become targeted by the flipped-out family. 

Written and directed by Dennis (Ouija Nazi) Devine, Camp Blood 8:  Revelations starts off with a team of bikini-clad girls playing volleyball on the beach, and let me tell you, there are certainly worse ways to kick off a movie.  It also has a great theme song (by “The Lobotomommies”) and often feels more like a real movie than a Camp Blood sequel.  Because of that, it lacks some of the down and dirty fun of the series. 

There’s more intentional humor this time around, but no real laughs to speak of.  The film also suffers from some weak elements, like the Final Girl having the ability to communicate with the ghost of a Hindu holy man (who winds up not being much help anyway).  Speaking of communicating, having the killer clown talk (a lot) doesn’t work at all.  There’s also a potentially interesting plot twist halfway through that ends up going nowhere. 

The cast is game, which makes up for some of the movie’s shortcomings.  The usually annoying Shawn C. Phillips tones his schtick down and is kind of amusing as a “survivalist” living out in the woods.  Mullins is also a hoot as she has a habit of showing off her boobs every chance she gets.  It was nice seeing Dollar in something like this, although they don’t really make the best use of her talents.  Best of all, Video Vacuum favorite Veronica Ricci pops up during the post-credits set-up for another sequel. 

GODZILLA MINUS ONE (2023) ****

Seventy years of Godzilla movies and we finally have a first for the franchise.  It’s the only entry to ever make me choke up.  I totally wasn’t expecting that. I was completely unprepared for it.  Somehow… someway... Godzilla Minus One got to me. 

It's not for a lack of trying either.  Writer/director Takashi (Returner) Yamazaki puts you through the wringer emotionally.  This is simultaneously one of the bleakest and yet hopeful movies I’ve seen in a long time.  I know you aren’t supposed to care about the characters in these things, or if you do, it’s because they are given more to do than just your average broad strokes cliches.  This is a harrowing post-war survival movie about not only what it takes to survive during a tragedy, but afterwards as well.  

Oh, and of course, Godzilla kicks lots of ass too.  I guess I should’ve mentioned that sooner.  This is one a helluva Godzilla flick.  In my opinion, it’s the best one yet.

Minus One is also refreshing because as the title suggests, it’s a prequel.  A WWII period piece starring Godzilla, is frankly a stroke of genius.  I hope we’re somehow able to get more of these in different time periods.  Can you imagine if Toho takes inspiration from Prey and makes a Wild West Godzilla flick? 

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  It’s a lot of fun seeing the G-Man doing battle against old school battleships and planes.  Hell, I actually cheered when the army brought out the rinky-dink WWII-era tanks against him.  Those fuckers didn’t stand a chance.

Godzilla has always been used as a metaphor for wartime destruction.  The ingenious thing about Minus One is that he’s also used as a stand-in for PTSD.  Whenever he rears his head, our hero Shikishima (Ryunosuke Kamiki) is reminded of the War, and not only the War, but his first encounter with Godzilla.  Not only is he shellshocked, but he’s plagued by guilt too.  You see, he had a chance to kill the monster when it was smaller, and he failed miserably.  Now, it’s huge and strutting through the city.  The characters are even a metaphor for Japan itself.  The scenes of our Shikishima and his makeshift family rebuilding after the A-Bomb attack not only show their resiliency but symbolize the country trying to bounce back after the War. 

So far, I’ve used words like “metaphors” and “symbolize” to describe the flick, but down deep it’s still a Godzilla movie.  Because it’s a prequel, it’s on a bit smaller scale.  Although we only get one scene of the G-Man rampaging through a city, it’s a damned good one, and even contains a great call forward of the iconic train scene in the original.  When the Godzilla theme kicked in for the first time, I have to tell you:  Goosebumps City:  Population:  Me. 

I also dug Godzilla’s look.  He’s sort of thicc, similar to how he’s portrayed in his Hollywood “Monarch” version, but with a distinctly traditional Godzilla maw.  The coolest aspect is how he powers up his atomic breath, as his spine plates light up and pop out as he gears up to spew.  It’s badass. 

The most novel touch is making a Godzilla movie with characters you root for and who are all three-dimensional.  Even the supporting characters have flaws and legitimate character arcs.  They should’ve been doing this years ago.  Okay, so maybe if that was true, we wouldn’t have Jet Jaguar flying around, Godzilla dancing, or Minilla blowing smoke rings, but you catch my drift.  It’s just that a Godzilla with actual stakes involved hits different.  

If you want a harrowing war movie, see Godzilla Minus One.  If you want an excellent monster masher, see Godzilla Minus One.  If you’re a Godzilla fan, this is truly something to roar about. 

AKA:  Gojira -1.0.  AKA:  G Minus One.