TUBI CONTINUED… KAMEN RIDER ZERO-ONE: REAL X TIME (2020) **

An AI intelligence with a severe God complex wants to destroy the world in no less than sixty minutes.  The only people who will be spared are his faithful, creepy, cult-like servants.  Naturally, the only one who stands in his way is Kamen Rider Zero-One.  When he gets sidelined by the baddie, other Kamen Riders step up to lend him a hand. 

Kamen Rider Zero-One:  Real x Time has a solid gimmick of taking place in real time.  Even though it’s only eighty minutes long, it makes clever use of flashbacks and/or showing events that are happening concurrently to open the narrative up just a bit.  The filmmakers even use a little timer at the bottom of the screen during some scenes to keep things honest, a touch I appreciated.  (It also helps to let you know just how much time is left in the movie, so you don’t have to keep on hitting the “Display” button.)

That said, like Kamen Rider:  Heisei Generations Forever, it has way too many characters and too much cutting back and forth between them.  It starts off in fine fashion with a neat opening sequence, but it quickly gets bogged down afterwards even with a semi-streamlined plot.  At least there’s more motorcycle action this time around, including a fun chase scene that is done in one long take.  

Another goofy touch is that all the Kamen Riders’ weapons and shit look like cheap toys.  (I guess they were taking a page from the Ultraman playbook.)  While it’s not exactly great, it still has a few random weird asides (like the guy with literal abs of steel) to keep you sort of invested.  Fans will surely eat it up, but honestly, Kamen Rider Zero-One:  Real x Time needed a bit more up its sleeve to be worthwhile for non-Kamen Rider enthusiasts. 

AKA:  Kamen Rider Zero-One:  Real Time.  AKA:  Kamen Rider:  Zero-One:  The Movie:  Real x Time.

TUBI CONTINUED… KAMEN RIDER: HESEI GENERATIONS FOREVER (2018) * ½

After watching a shitload of Ultraman movies, I decided to keep the Tokusatsu train going by watching some Kamen Rider movies.  I have to admit before starting this review that I’m not well-versed in Kamen Rider lore.  I’ve enjoyed episodes of the original series and dug the new Shin Kamen Rider, but I haven’t seen any of the more recent shows.  That probably explains why I was so goddamned confused watching this. 

A green cyclone brings a little boy to Earth.  He is pursued by an evil “Time Jacker” and it’s up to various Kamen Riders to save him.  The problem is, after they’ve been on Earth too long, they develop amnesia and forget they’re really grasshopper-powered motorcycle-riding superheroes.  The Kamen Riders must regain their memories and eventually team up to take the bad guy down. 

Imagine if you tried to watch Spider-Man:  No Way Home and you were only familiar with the ‘60s cartoon show, and that might give you an idea of how I felt watching this.  I mean, No Way Home at least tries to set everything up for the audience on the off chance they didn’t see the originals.  This one does little to catch newcomers up to speed.  Because of that, the only thing you have to hang your hat on are the fight scenes. 

Even the fights are lackluster and unsatisfying though.  Most of the problem stems from having too many Riders wearing ever-evolving armor.  Because of that, it gets hard to tell who’s who.  Likewise, the fights themselves are interchangeable and unmemorable too.  (I did like the one fight that featured Batman-style cartoon bubbles though.)

Once we finally get an explanation of what’s going on, it’s depressingly juvenile, even for a movie about guys in bug suits who ride motorcycles.  And to make matters worse, there’s very little of that either.  We finally do get some motorcycle action near the end, but by then, it’s too little too late.  Like the amnesiac characters in the film, you’ll probably have no memory of what just happened after you watch it. 

PIRATES OF CANNIBAL ISLE (1975) ****

Pirates of Cannibal Isle or The Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle or Mr. Quack Quack and the Rare Blue Ape or whatever you want to call it is the ripest slice of WTF lunacy I have seen in… I don’t know… decades.  It’s a ‘70s kids movie, but it feels like someone was in danger every step of the way.  And I don’t mean the characters.  I mean the actors.  They are all wearing bulky animal costumes that look like half-assed versions of the costumes from The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.  They’re constantly crossing rickety Indiana Jones-style bridges, traipsing through caverns, going over waterfalls, swinging on vines like Tarzan, and going doing river on rafts made with sticks.  It almost feels like any one of them could’ve died at any time.  (Yes, that includes the duck.)

It’s like watching Werner Herzog’s New Zoo Revue. 

Nonnie (Daud Bin Ibrahim) is a mute kid with a pet duck named Mr. Quack Quack (himself).  His parents want to get rid of it, so he does what any mute kid would do:  Take the duck on a boat ride to Cannibal Isle.  There, they encounter “Swampies”, crocodile men/pirates led by Ulysses S. Krock who lock him up in a cage with a “Rare Blue Ape”.  Together, Nonnie, the Rare Blue Ape, and Mr. Quack Quack escape to get the monkey safely back home with the pirates nipping at their heels the whole way. 

Folks, I could tell you what happens in this movie, but you’d think I was higher than a hippie in a helicopter.  Since it was filmed in the most bombed-out parts of Malaysia, there isn’t a frame of this movie that wouldn’t look at home in Apocalypse Now or Aguirre, the Wrath of God.  Except for the scenes with the Swampies, the Rare Blue Apes and Mr. Quack Quack, of course.  This could’ve just been fun from a visual standpoint as it’s one of the trippiest kids’ movies I’ve ever seen.  However, the surprising thing is how involved you get.  Not so much with the characters, but just that the film draws you into its own brand of weirdness in such a mesmerizing way that you have no choice but to get caught up in the action. 

Folks, I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard at some of the weird shit in this movie.  Then, I had tears in my eyes when the previously thought dead Mr. Quack Quack made his triumphant return.  E.T. eat your (glowing) heart out.  Later, I had tears in my eyes because I was so happy that I existed at the same time that this previously thought lost movie was found.  God bless the people at Vinegar Syndrome for unearthing this gem (along with nine other films in their Lost Picture Show box set). 

Oh, and did I mention the music?  It’s special in its own right.  I would be lying if I told you I didn’t turn on the subtitles so I could sing along with all the songs.  The theme song in particular is a straight-up banger and is so seared in my brain that I occasionally find myself singing it.  (Yes, I’ve watched this multiple times before I even got the chance to review it, which rarely, if ever, happens.)

If you’re a jaded WTF movie fan like me, you think you’ve seen it all.  Sometimes though, something special like this will come along and remind you that you haven’t.  This is the purest hit of cinematic insanity I’ve seen in a long, long, time.

AKA:  The Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle.  AKA:  Cap’n Krock and the Rare Blue Apes.  AKA:  Mr. Quack Quack and the Rare Blue Ape.

TUBI CONTINUED… IN SEARCH OF AN ULTRAMAN! INVASION FROM ANOTHER SPACE! (2021) * ½

With In Search of an Ultraman!  Invasion from Another Space!, I have now come to the final Ultraman “movie” on Tubi.  I use the word “movie” very loosely.  Like some of these Ultraman flicks I’ve reviewed, it’s only a half-hour long.  However, it’s not an official Ultraman movie, but more of a fan film that somehow managed to be uploaded to Tubi. 

You know, “Fan film” may not even be the right word for it.  It looks more like a YouTube show.  It also has the look of something that was made during the pandemic as the whole thing resembles a Zoom call.  I know people had a lot of downtime on their hands then, and I’m glad they did something creative with their time, but still…  This is pretty bad.  

A scruffy-looking scientist scrambles the feed and breaks in with an emergency broadcast to inform the world that an alien attack is imminent.  He says that his agency is desperately trying to contact Ultraman to save Earth, but so far, they have had no success reaching him.  Meanwhile, irritating “experts” and news anchors provide updates on the impending invasion. 

Even though In Search of an Ultraman!  Invasion from Another Space! Is only thirty-four minutes long, it feels at least four times that length.  The banter between all the talking heads is particularly excruciating (especially the scientist with a terrible German accent).  To make matters worse, it’s padded out with multiple scenes of someone playing with Ultraman toys.  If you’re going to do shit like this, it should at least… you know… be funny.  If you do manage to somehow sit through it all, you will be rewarded with an OK cameo that (just barely) justifies this whole thing’s existence.  For the most part though, it feels like a cheap and annoying YouTube video that you definitely would not “Like” or “Subscribe”. 

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN R/B THE MOVIE: SELECT! THE CRYSTAL OF BOND (2019) ***

Ultraman R/B is different than the other Ultraman iterations in that they are a set of brothers who turn into Ultramen whenever their world is threatened.  However, it’s been a year or so since their last battle and they are starting to think about what the future holds for unemployed superheroes.  That changes when there’s an alien attack and they have to suit up once again.  Ultraman Geed also shows up to lend a hand, but things go from bad to worse when R’s goth friend is turned into a giant monster. 

There’s more intentional humor this time out, which is a problem because the bulk of it just isn’t funny.  The comic daydreams and sitcom situations (like when R/B and their father spy on their sister when she goes out on a date) don’t really work, and don’t score any laughs to speak of.  Then again, these scenes don’t exactly grate on your nerves either, which I suppose is a small victory.  At least the comic relief shit dries up once the monsters attack.  Plus, the film’s heart is in the right place, and the family dynamic helps to give this one a little bit different flavor than the previous Ultraman efforts. 

Fortunately, the monster brawls are a lot of fun and are well-worth the wait.  The monsters look appropriately old school (albeit with a few CGI enhancements here and there), which is to say they are rubbery and silly.  As with Ultraman Orb:  The Movie, the film contains some clever camerawork that opens things up a little bit, and the finale (which feels like an Ultraman version of the Flash scenes in the Justice League movie) is legitimately cool.  Also, the arrival of an Ultrawoman was a long time coming, and helps make this entry kind of progressive… I guess. 

AKA:  Ultraman R/B:  Select!  The Crystal of Bond.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN GEED: THE MOVIE: CONNECT THE WISHES! (2018) ***

An evil alien robot is going through the galaxy destroying all intelligent life.  Naturally, its next stop is Earth.  It’s also trying to obtain “The Red Steel” which will make it all-powerful.  An alien princess is in possession of the Red Steel and bestows it upon Ultraman Geed to use it to fight the alien menace.  Along the way, he partners up with Ultraman Orb and Ultraman Zero who help him build character in the face of adversity. 

One of the things I enjoyed about the character of Ultraman Geed is that he’s kind of an asshole.  He sulks a lot and acts shitty to others when things don’t go his way.  This helps to make him a flawed hero and while it’s not exactly Shakespearian, it certainly helps to differentiate him from the other goody two-shoes incarnations of Ultraman. 

Likewise, the filmmakers didn’t set out to reinvent the wheel, but they peppered the flick with some amusing and entertaining elements.  I liked the sexual tension between the antihero “Juggler” and the square member of the team he flirts with by calling him “Daddy-San”.  Sure, it’s not quite a paragon of gay representation for these movies, but you have to take what you can get.  I also thought the alien princess’ pet protector was cute (he looks like a giant rainbow lion) without TRYING to be overly cutesy, which is a fine line. 

Of course, it helps when the fights are solid from top to bottom.  There’s a fun scene at an “illegal alien” camp (which is inhabited by aliens) that plays like a low-budget Ultraman version of the cantina scene from Star Wars.  There’s also a nice mix of normal-sized humans vs. aliens Kung Fu fights and giant Ultraman vs. colossal kaiju battles.  In short, Ultraman fans should have a blast with this one.

AKA:  Ultraman Geed:  The Movie.  AKA:  Ultraman Geed:  Connect the Wishes!  AKA:  Ultraman Geed:  The Movie:  Connect Them!  The Wishes!

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRA FIGHT ORB: LET ME BORROW THE POWER OF FATHER AND SON! (2017) ****

Ultraman Orb and Ultraman Zero are on the trail of a dark presence moving from world to world.  Turns out, it’s an evil ghost sorcerer who has the ability to raise monsters from the dead. The only way Orb can stop him is to train with Zero and his father, the legendary Ultraseven who bestow upon him tremendous power. 

This is another one of those deals that started off as a web series but was edited into a short (thirty minutes in this case) movie.  Since the original episodes were shown in three-minute bursts, that means there is no shortage of monster mashing to be found.  Some rubbery looking monster or silver-faced fighter is getting the snot knocked out of them every three minutes or so.  The battles themselves are well done considering their brevity.  In short, it’s fucking awesome.

Sure, the villain is just a rehashed version of Belial, but he looks cool and resembles Darth Vader on steroids.  His monster minions are a nice mix of menacing and just plain goofy too.  Besides, the sheer amount of rubber suit baddies that the filmmakers were able to cram into a half-hour running time is kind of mind-boggling.  There are robots, mutant caterpillars, and even a giant chicken with what looks like a huge scrotum hanging out of its mouth.  When’s the last time you saw that in a movie?  That’s not even mentioning the fact that once the three OG Ultramen show up to lend the next generation a hand, things get even more badass.  

Bottom Line:  If you love giant monster battles and only have a half-hour to kill, Ultra Fight Orb:  Let Me Borrow the Power of Father and Son! is the one to watch.

AKA:  Ultra Fight Orb.  AKA:  Ultra Fight Orb:  I’m Borrowing the Power of Parent and Child.