COMIC BOOK CATCH-UP: TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: MUTANT MAYHEM (2023) **

The trailers kind of put me off as the animation looked extremely buggy and/or looked like it was trying to rip off Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse.  While it does take some time getting used to (it often resembles an animated storyboard), overall, the animation isn’t bad.  At least it has personality, which is more than I can say for TMNT, the last animated feature-length reboot of the franchise.  (Even if it’s only marginally better than that film.)  In fact, I really dug the way the Turtles were introduced here as they are seen in their original white eyed comic book form.  Sadly, it just winds up just being a daydream.  I kind of wished they looked like that the entire time, but oh well. 

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are living in the sewers out of sight of the humans.  They meet teenaged April O’Neil who wants to do a story on them for her school paper.  To make the story as big as possible, the Turtles try to get to the bottom of a series of thefts involving radioactive material.  They soon learn the villain behind the robberies is a mutant bug named Superfly (Ice Cube) who plans on turning every animal on Earth into a mutant. 

The casting of Jackie Chan as Master Splinter was inspired, although he’s more of a shellshocked (no pun intended) cranky old man than a Kung Fu master.  Likewise, changing April to a nerdy high schooler was an odd choice.  Some of the other updates are a bit questionable too (did Bebop really need nipple rings?), but at least the core four Turtles’ personalities are mostly the same.  (Although Donatello sounds like a little girl.)

The original comics, the first live-action movie, and the Michael Bay-produced Turtle flicks had somewhat of an edge to them.  This one is aimed squarely at kids, which is fine, I guess.   They probably won’t mind that the villain’s plot is just a twist on the first X-Men movie or that nearly every damn needle drop is a rap song.  Although there are some fun in-jokes for fans, there’s nothing really laugh out loud funny here.  As an introduction to a new generation of fans, Mutant Mayhem works.  As entertainment for anyone over the age of eight, it misses the mark. 

AFROS, MACKS, N’ ZODIACS (1995) *** ½

Dolemite himself, Rudy Ray Moore hosts this highly entertaining Something Weird trailer compilation (while surrounded by a bevy of hot bikini babes sporting big Afros) of Blaxploitation movies from the ‘70s.  Even though I’ve seen many of these trailers before, there are undoubtedly some classics here.  Without a doubt, my favorite has to be the all-rhyming ad for Dr. Black Mr. Hyde.  (“A demon he could not control has taken over his very soul!”)  

There’s also plenty of trailers that represent the renowned stars of the genre like Pam Grier, in trailers for movies like Foxy Brown (“She’s here to do a job on the Mob!”), Sheba, Baby, and Black Mama, White Mama and Fred Williamson (Black Caesar, Hell Up in Harlem, and That Man Bolt).  Naturally, there’s a smattering of classic genre offerings like Blacula and Super Fly, but we also get a few trailers for concert movies like Wattstax and Soul to Soul, which adds some variety that’s not usually found in these things.  Other highlights include the trailer for Ebony, Ivory and Jade (“Angels of vengeance on a massacre marathon!”) and even a few previews for films I’ve never seen before like Super Dude and Cool Breeze. 

Of course, there are plenty of trailers for Moore movies like Monkey Hustle, Dolemite, The Human Tornado, and Disco Godfather.  The presence of Moore (totally in character as Dolemite) makes it a must-see for his fans, or of Blaxploitation movies in general.  He’ll occasionally cut in on the action to tell a dirty joke or two (his “Mississippi” routine is great) before switching back to the main program.  It’s enough to make you wish more trailer compilations had hosts.  It all ends with a music video for Blowfly featuring cameos by such Blaxploitation stars as Isaac Hayes, Antonio Fargas, and Jim Kelly, who has a comedic fight/dance-off with Dolemite that’s worth the price of admission.  

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Blacula, Monkey Hustle, The Mack, Dr. Black Mr. Hyde, Dolemite, Cleopatra Jones, Foxy Brown, Ebony Ivory and Jade, Black Belt Jones, Shaft, Super Dude, Cotton Comes to Harlem, Trouble Man, Super Fly, Let’s Do It Again, Which Way Is Up?, Black Caeser, Hell Up in Harlem, Cool Breeze, The Human Tornado, Disco Godfather, Sheba Baby, Black Mama White Mama, Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold, Scream Blacula Scream, Soul to Soul, That Man Bolt, The Soul of N****r Charlie, Across 110th Street, The Big Bird Cage, Book of Numbers, Trick Baby, and Truck Turner.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO VS. THE RIDERS OF TERROR (1970) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on January 8th, 2020)

A gang of lepers break out of a sanitarium, spreading terror throughout the west.  Or… I guess it would be south since it takes place in Mexico.  Anyway, some bandits stumble upon the lepers hiding in a cave and trick them into joining forces.  The befuddled sheriff eventually enlists the help of everyone’s favorite luchador, El Santo to stop the bandits and make sure the lepers receive proper medical treatment.

Unfortunately, El Santo doesn’t show up until about the twenty-five-minute mark.  Till then, you’re (pardon the pun) saddled with a lot of boring western subplots and low rent cowboy action.  The fact the villains are deformed lepers gives this entry a slight element of horror, but the special effects just make it look like they’ve got wads of chewed-up bubble gum stuck to their faces. 

Not only does Santo vs. the Riders of Terror suffer from a decided lack of the Silver Masked One, it’s painfully low on wrestling action.  There’s only one wrestling scene in the entire film, but it’s a pretty funny one.  A big bully challenges any man who can take him on and offers a cash reward to the winner.  After the oaf polishes off a few would-be wrestlers, El Santo hops in the ring and cleans his clock and gives the prize money to a trio of nuns. The shots of the nuns wildly cheering El Santo on is one of the best moments in the whole movie. 

While it’s fun seeing El Santo fighting in a wrestling ring set up in the middle of a western town (not to mention riding a horse), it’s just a shame you’ve got to sit through a lot of dull cowboy shit to get to it.  The worst El Santo movies deliberately keep him off the screen for big chunks at a time.  That certainly describes this one.  In fact, it sometimes feels like you could edit him out of the picture entirely as the sheriff does a lot of the leg work, especially early on.  

It also loses points for not letting El Santo ride off into the sunset while someone asks, “Who was that masked man?”  Then again, they might have for all I know.  The version I saw didn’t have any subtitles. 

Sure, much of Santo vs. the Riders of Terror is a slog, but it’s probably the best Mexican Wrestler vs. Cowboy Lepers movie I’ve ever seen. 

AKA:  The Lepers and Sex.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

Like the other movies on the El Santo Blu-Ray set from VCI, this has a new English title sequence.  However, the title card for this one is misspelled as “Santo VERSES the Riders of Terror”!  The dubbing is just as bad, if not, worse than the other films on the set, and some of the haphazardly translated dialogue is a hoot.  (“FREAKIN’ GODDAMN IT!”)  The first time I watched this, it didn’t have subtitles, so I unfortunately missed out on priceless dialogue like, “Since I’ve started down this path, I’ve forgotten about my conscience!”  A couple of choice lines of dialogue is not enough to bump up the rating, but it’s still good for a couple chuckles. 

MY LATEST BOOK IS NOW AVAILABLE ON AMAZON!

Hey, everyone!  I just wanted you all to know that my latest book, Kung Fu Companion:  The Chopsocky Movie Guide, is now available on paperback and Kindle via Amazon.  You can get it by ordering through this link: Kung Fu Companion: The Chopsocky Movie Guide: Lovell, Mitch: 9781719489317: Amazon.com: Books

If you love movies full of Kung Fu, karate, kickboxing, samurai, Ninjas, and nunchucks, then this book is for you.  It’s nearly two-hundred pages of brand-spanking-new reviews of Kung Fu and martial arts movies.  From martial arts legends like Jackie Chan and Donnie Yen, to the films of The One-Armed Swordsman and Zatoichi to the wild world of Godfrey Ho and Bruceploitation, this book has it all.  

And if you somehow have missed my other books, just search for Mitch Lovell in the author page and you can find them conveniently all in one spot.

And to give you an idea of what to expect, here's just a sample of the Table of Contents:

Thanks again to everyone who visits to the site! Keep kicking!

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: PET SEMATARY: BLOODLINES (2023) ** ½

Pet Sematary:  Bloodlines is a prequel to the recent remake of Pet Sematary, which was a smart move because there's nowhere to go but up.  That may be a bit harsh as the remake wasn’t out-and-out terrible.  However, it at least frees the filmmakers up and saves them from being compared to the 1989 original movie, or even the King novel for that matter. 

Jud, the old man from Pet Sematary is seen here as a young guy (Jackson White) in the ‘60s.  As he’s trying to leave the small town of Ludlow, Maine with his girlfriend, Norma (Natalie Alyn Lind), they make an inadvertent pit stop to see his estranged buddy, Timmy (Jack Mulhern) who has just come back from the War.  It’s obvious something’s not right with Timmy, and when his mangy dog bites Norma, it means they’ve got to stick around for a few days.  Before long, people start dying and everyone knows the whack-a-doodle soldier is to blame.  All that’s left to ask is, what does Jud plan to do about it?

Maybe because my expectations for a straight-to-streaming prequel to a remake of a Stephen King movie were in the toilet to begin with, but Pet Sematary:  Bloodlines wasn’t too bad.  Sure, the writers kind of tweak the origin to make the story work (and update Vietnam for WWII).  However, if you can overlook that, you have to admit the film (which is pretty much a loose reworking of Bob Clark’s classic Deathdream) is always a little bit better than it needed to be at nearly every turn. 

It helps that the supporting cast is aces.  David Duchovny is strong as Timmy’s grieving father.  I especially liked the scene where he catches his son eating the family dog and the expression on his face registers more as disappointment than anger or fear. Henry Thomas also delivers a solid performance as Jud’s dad (somewhat making up for his lackluster portrayal as Jack Torrance in King’s Shining sequel, Doctor Sleep) and it was fun seeing Pam Grier as the town’s spunky mail lady.  Granted, Bloodlines may have its faults, but since it ends with Foxy Brown and Elliott from E.T. grabbing shotguns and joining forces with Agent Mulder to storm a house full of zombies, I can’t in good conscience give it any less than ** ½. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO IN THE TREASURE OF DRACULA (1969) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 23rd, 2013)

THE VAMPIRE AND SEX  (1969)  ***

During Skinamax-A-Palooza we’ve covered just about every area of sex film. But there’s one kind of skin flick we haven’t talked about and that's the South of the Border skin flick. What makes The Vampire and Sex so great is that it stars none other than everyone’s favorite masked wrestler El Santo! Well, he didn’t “star” in it exactly. Some producers got ahold of this flick, retitled it, and added in some extra footage of naked women to sex up the movie. I don’t know what I would say about the original version if I saw it. (It’s called Santo and Dracula’s Treasure.) All I know is that the addition of gratuitous T & A certainly spices up the usual El Santo formula.

El Santo takes some scientists into his crime lab to show them a time machine he’s created. He hopes that the machine will help people come in contact with their previous lives. El Santo wants to test the machine out on his girlfriend, so he puts her in a skintight jumpsuit and sends her into the past.

We soon learn that she was stalked by the evil Count Alucard (Gee… do you think he could be an Eripmav?) in a previous life. Alucard is building a vampire army and goes around converting the nubile women of the town to vampirism. But dumb old Al lets slip where his treasure is hidden right before he gets a stake driven through his heart, so El Santo (who has been carefully monitoring all this on his TV set… I mean “time machine”) knows where his gold is. El Santo quickly brings his girl back to the present and they set out to find Alucard’s treasure. A villain in a black hood also pops up looking for the treasure too. And to further complicate matters, Alucard winds up getting revived.

I don’t know how El Santo’s South of the Border fans reacted to this film. All I know is that it’s pretty awesome seeing El Santo in such sleazy surroundings. Director Rene Cardona pretty much pulled the same stunt of adding nudity to a wrestling film with the incredible Night of the Bloody Apes the very same year. While The Vampire and Sex isn’t in the same league as that classic, it’s definitely a lot of fun.

It has to be said that the T & A scenes are pretty great. They mostly revolve around Count Alucard biting the necks of topless women. There are also scenes of the hot vampire women disrobing in formation before turning into bats. And gentlemen, I’ve got to tell ya, these girls have assets so big that even Russ Meyer would consider them overqualified.

You know, I kinda like this Al guy. Most vampires would undo a woman’s top button to get a better view of her neck before biting her. This guy unbuttons the entire blouse and lets her boobs pop out before he starts nibbling. Talk about being an overachiever! I approve of this guy.

As much as I love El Santo, I have to say that the Count Alucard scenes are easily the most entertaining. That’s mostly because his scenes have all the nudity in them. (El Santo did not participate in the reshoots.) But these scenes also have their share of funny shit. My favorite bit involved vampires being afraid of mistletoe! Before you start laughing so hard that your Yoo-Hoo shoots out of your nose, think about it for a second. It actually makes sense. I mean we’re used to seeing crosses being used to ward off vampires. But a cross is a symbol of Christianity, right? And Christmas is the ultimate celebration of Christianity, right? And what do you hang up at Christmastime? That’s right, mistletoe!

Unfortunately, El Santo isn’t given much do to in the first half of the film besides watch a Cliff’s Notes version of Dracula on his TV set… I mean “time machine”. And you have to wait until the movie is almost over before he has a wrestling bout. He’s also saddled with an annoying bumbling comic relief sidekick (named “Parakeet”) who does dumb shit like swallow whistles.

The second half though isn’t quite as much fun as the first. It’s not nearly as goofy and doesn’t feature as much nudity. But all in all, The Vampire and Sex is definitely a fun romp and well worth checking out, if only to see El Santo in a skin flick. The film is also filled with priceless dialogue. Here are two of my favorite lines from the flick: “A vampire in America? Please don’t taunt me!” and “My teeth have inoculated your flesh!”

AKA: Santo in The Treasure of Dracula. AKA: Santo and Dracula’s Treasure.  

QUICK THOUGHTS:

My previous review was for the “hot” version of Santo in the Treasure of Dracula which had nude inserts entitled The Vampire and Sex.  Although I’ve seen it quite a few times, (most recently on Mystery Science Theater 3000, which uses the same hilarious VCI dubbing track), I’ve never officially reviewed the film in its original format.  

Honestly, the reason why I never got around to reviewing this version is because there really isn’t all that much to add, other than I (naturally) prefer the Vampire and Sex cut of the film because of all the nudity.  That said, Santo in the Treasure of Dracula is still a lot of fun.  I mean you have El Santo.  You have vampires.  And you have time travel.  Those elements alone are enough to make a fine motion picture.  Adding nudity to all this is just the cherry on top.  So, seen in either version, you’re still liable to have a great time. 

And since we are officially one month into my year-long quest to watch every movie on my “To Be Watched” shelf, I thought I’d share a picture of my progress.  Here's what it looked like in January.

And he's what it looks like today...which is to say there hasn’t been any progress because I keep buying more and more movies…

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: THE DAUGHTER (I, A WOMAN, PART III) (1970) ** ½

Director Mac Ahlberg wraps up the I, a Woman trilogy with this hot-and-cold sequel.  Things start off with a nice little trippy title sequence of a naked chick hanging upside down surrounded by multicolored rain, smoke, and fog.  This is followed by an excellent lesbian snake dace freakout scene.  Then the plot begins, and sadly, these stylish flourishes pretty much disappear. 

A doctor brings his nurse girlfriend Siv (Gun Falk) home a bunch of sex toys in an attempt to prove to her that Denmark is leading the sexual revolution.  When her naive daughter, Birthe (Inger Sundh) comes home early and catches them in the act, she is at first appalled, then later fascinated by her mother’s carefree, pro-sex nature.  Birthe then runs off and shacks up with a black lesbian go-go dancer named Lisa (Ellen Faison), but eventually finds love with the dancer’s brother (Tom Scott), who just so happens to work with Siv. 

The Daughter (I, a Woman, Part III) is a study in changing generational sexual mores.  Where one generation’s taboo ends, another’s begins.  That’s a lofty idea for a skin flick, but sadly, the execution is lacking, especially considering the fact that the drama completely dries up in the third act.  It’s a shame too because the set-up is good enough to draw you in.  When the happy ending does arrive, it almost feels like a cop-out. 

You also have to put up with a lot of padding in the form of a long barroom brawl involving a gang of bikers beating up a bunch of hippies.  Speaking of hippies, there’s also a long sequence of hippies smoking dope which eats up a lot of screen time.  Fortunately, the sex scenes are solid, and the skin quotient is plentiful, which helps make up for some of the lapses in the third act. 

AKA:  The Daughter.  AKA:  The Daughter:  I, a Woman, Part III.  AKA:  Black Brother, Black Sister.  AKA:  Black Voltage.  AKA:  Like Mother, Like Daughter:  I, a Woman Part III.