Thursday, February 15, 2024

TEEN STEAM (1988) ****

When I was a kid, Alyssa Milano was one of my first big celebrity crushes.  With Teen Steam, I get to relive those golden years when she was one of the hottest teen stars in Hollywood.  

In the ‘80s it seemed like EVERY celebrity had their own workout video.  Teen Steam is Alyssa’s.  It begins with a music video of her singing the title tune in the studio while dancers strut in a fog-drenched alley.  Then we see her in her room talking to her friends on the phone.  They all want to release a little steam, so she invites them over for a workout.  (They magically appear moments later out of thin air.) 

Teen Steam has a good message:  Kids are under a lot of pressure, and they need to release energy in a positive way, like working out.  (“Teen steam… Gotta let it out!”)  It was also something of a family affair for the Milano clan.  Dad Tom wrote the music and mom Lin produced and was the hairstylist.  

The workout portions are good cheesy fun, and the banter between Alyssa and her friends is casual and spontaneous.  At one point, she cheerfully shouts, “Eat your heart out, Jane”, a clear, but playful jab at Jane Fonda and her workout video.  Alyssa also tries to be “hip” by performing a rap about toe raises.  (According to the credits, the rap was co-written by The Wonder Years’ Jason Hervey!)  I also thought it was funny that Alyssa doesn’t do some of the exercises but sits idly by and watches her friends do them.  Things take a turn for the kooky about halfway into the video when Alyssa walks through her bedroom mirror and winds up back in the music video where her and a bunch of teens dance.  She naturally returns back to her room for the finale where the video ends with stretching “cool down” exercises. 

This review is coming from a forty-five-year-old dude.  Not only am I a genuine fan of Milano, but also of the celebrity workout genre/phenomenon.  As a form of ‘80s video archeology, Teen Steam is quite a find.  If I saw this when it was released as a young man entering puberty, I would award this the highest rating imaginable.  Watching it now, it still remains a fun relic of a bygone era with just enough WTF moments to make it a must-see for fans of ‘80s cheese. 

AKA:  Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam.  AKA:  Alyssa Milano:  Teen Steam.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SAFE HOUSE (2012) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Denzel Washington stars as Tobin Frost, an ex-CIA agent who has gone rouge.  He waltzes into an American consulate in South Africa and is immediately taken to a black site ran by green agent Matt Weston (Ryan Reynolds).  When the safe house is stormed by gunmen looking to execute Frost, Weston has to take him on the run.  Naturally, they’ll have to learn to trust each other in order to survive. 

Safe House is the kind of movie Denzel would’ve made with Tony Scott if he was still with us.  Of course, Scott would’ve upped the ante on the action a bit, but director Daniel (Morbius) Espinosa does an OK job in that department.  If anything, it’s a good showcase for Washington, who gets to sink his teeth into a slightly more sinister version of his usual persona.  He also seems to be having fun playing off Reynolds, especially during the scenes where Denzel is getting into his head and playing mind games with him.  Reynolds seems to be a little out of his depth in a dramatic role, but that kind of works for his character.  He does get a good fight scene with Joel Kinnamon late in the flick though. 

The supporting cast is strong too. There’s a lot of scenes of Vera Farmiga, Brendan Gleeson, and Sam Shepard giving each other stern looks in the situation room.  These scenes could’ve been deadly dull, but the three of them all came ready to play.

My favorite part of the film was how Frost’s reputation preceded him.  Every time we walked into a room, someone would gasp, “My God, that’s Tobin Frost!”  It’s almost a shame he doesn’t do anything to live up to that reputation.

Overall, Safe House is pretty standard cloak and dagger fare.  It’s not gonna knock your socks off or anything, but it’s competently made and moderately entertaining.  It’s the sort of movie you’d watch on a long flight.  It’s diverting enough until you get where you’re going and promptly forgotten once you’re on your way. 

MITCH ONCE AGAIN APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST

Matt from The DTVC Podcast invited me yet again to appear on the show.  This time we delved into Ghost Rider:  Spirit of Vengeance and discussed all things Nic Cage and Marvel.  It was a lot of fun, and I hope you guys and gals enjoy listening to it: DTVC Podcast 145, "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" by DTVC Podcast (spotify.com)

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: STRIKE FORCE (2004) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Strike Force opens with an action scene with such rapid-fire editing, I thought for a second it was the trailer for the movie and not the actual movie.  Now, there’s not nearly this much action in the rest of the film (the finale is a similarly rapid-fire affair), but it does set the tone nicely.  

It also has a pretty incredible cast.  In fact, neither the DVD box nor the opening credits even tell you some of the biggest names in the movie.  William Forsythe is front and center (and deservedly so), but there’s no mention of Ed Lauter, who plays the guy who gives Forsythe his mission.  There’s also Michael Parks (who basically appears in what nowadays would’ve been a Zoom call) as the guy who hires Forsythe.  Best yet, Burt Reynolds appears briefly as a character called “Irish” (although sometimes his accent sounds more Cuban).  None of these guys are advertised anywhere (even IMDb hides Burt as the last name in the credits), so it was fun whenever a great star unexpectedly showed up. 

Heck, even the stars that we know up front are in the movie are pretty sweet.  We have Daniel Bernhardt as Forsythe’s right-hand man, the Wishmaster himself, Andrew Divoff as the villain (who in one scene attends a luau wearing a Speedo while holding his dog), Mattias Hues as Divoff’s kickboxing champ, Christopher Atkins as one of Divoff’s slimy associates, and Erika Eleniak, who gets to prove she’s more than just arm candy as she has her own kickboxing scene.  The movie itself is solid, but the cast almost makes it more than a sum of its parts. 

I guess I should tell you about the plot.  Forsythe (who co-wrote and co-produced) is the leader of a team called “The Librarians” who specialize in extraction.  They are hired by Parks to go down to Miami to find a missing girl, and learn she’s run afoul of some white slavers led by Divoff. 

Strike Force feels like one of those “Action Pack” TV movies from the ‘90s, and I mean that as a sincere compliment.  It has a lot of guest stars, a simple plot, and solid action, all befitting a TV movie and/or pilot.  I also liked the subplot where Divoff holds underground kickboxing matches, which gives Bernhardt and Hues a chance to show their chops.  

The movie really belongs to Forsythe though.  He looks like he’s having fun in a rare hero leading role.  Seeing him playing off the spectacular list of co-stars doesn’t hurt either.   

AKA:  The Librarians.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ALL MEN ARE APES! (1965) * ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

All Men are Apes! begins with some truly great opening narration:  “The film you are about to see concerns sex.  And why not?”  Too bad it’s all downhill from there. 

Diane (Steffi DePasse, in her first and only role) relates flashbacks from her prison cell and tells the audience how she wound up there.  It seems she banged her mother’s sailor boyfriend before becoming entangled with a manager who wanted to make her a stripper.  Soon, she’s headlining and leaves him for another guy, who turns out to be an abusive mobster type.  Eventually, Diane gets a job stripping with an ape as her second banana (no pun intended). 

All Men are Apes! was directed by Joseph P. Mawra, the man who gave the world the classic exploitation series of Olga movies.  Sadly, it’s sorely lacking the depravity and fun of those films.  It ultimately boils down to a bunch of off-kilter moments that are strung together with bitter sounding narration, and… well… it doesn’t add up to a whole lot. 

Most of the time, Mawra tosses padding on top of more padding, hoping that it will somehow stick, but unfortunately, none of it works, outside of a couple of goofy bits. The film flirts with coming alive during the long scene halfway through the film when Diane attends a wild party.  During this sequence, a masked “Peacock Girl” is auctioned off to the highest bidder, a woman is pelted with plums, and a belly dancer performs.  The would-be scintillating moments are tepid at best and aren’t much to write home about either.  I mean, I’m a fan of movies where guys in crappy ape suits cavort around with sexy women, but even this one was a bit of a struggle to get through.  (It doesn’t help that the ape doesn’t show up till the last five minutes.) 

Oh, and The Ink Spots (in what’s probably the lowest point of their career) are seen briefly performing in a strip club. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ECSTASY ON LOVER’S ISLAND (1961) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Frank (Doug Leith) and Marion (Dwan Marlow) are a recently married couple who go to Vegas on their honeymoon.  Marion wants to do something special for the occasion, so they go out and find a deserted island in the middle of a lake for a little solitude.  Of course, Frank forgets some supplies and has to go back into town, leaving Marion all alone to do some skinny-dipping.  It doesn’t take long before she is menaced by a crazed lumberjack rapist (Anton von Stralen). 

Even though Ecstasy on Lover’s Island (which is what the print calls it, even though it’s referred to as Honeymoon of Terror everywhere else on the Blu-Ray) is only an hour long, it’s still padded with long scenes of the couple boating, having flashbacks to crap that happened ten minutes ago, and taking in the sights of the Vegas Strip.  While it’s nice to see shots of old Vegas, it’s obvious the couple aren’t anywhere near the town limits as they have been awkwardly edited into snippets of travelogue shots of the town, footage of nightclub acts, and scenes of other people gambling.  It also stinks that the couple turn the lights out when they finally consummate the marriage. 

The scenes of Marion on her own and enjoying nature (there’s some fleeting glimpses of nudity) are kind of fun.  Her inner monologues are funny too.  (She says, “God really knew what he was doing when he made the sun!” while sunbathing.)  The cat and mouse chase between her and the “loco” lumberjack takes up much of the second half.  These sequences were pretty much the entire reason the film was bankrolled.  I’ll admit they aren’t exactly suspenseful, but this portion of the picture is at least mildly entertaining, even if it threatens to get repetitive before the finale. 

AKA:  Honeymoon of Terror.  AKA:  Wild Lust.

Monday, February 12, 2024

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE MONSTER OF CAMP SUNSHINE (1964) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This fun nudie monster movie, in the spirit of The Beast That Killed Women, is a must for people who like their nudist colony movies with a touch of monsters thrown in. And it’s SILENT! Before we get to the monster attacks though, we get to witness nude kite flying, skinny-dipping and even a naked birthday party! When the caretaker Hugo turns into a monster and attacks the nekkid ladies, a helpful doctor parachutes in to save the day. The army is also called in and we get to see some hilariously gratuitous army stock footage. There’s also some cool Monty Python style animation in there too. The corny silent movie titles are also great (my favorite: “Thank that great surgeon in the sky!”) and add to the fun.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

I hadn’t seen this in over a decade, so I forgot it takes a while to get going, but once it does The Monster of Camp Sunshine is frequently hilarious.  The impetus for the trip to the nudist colony is great as the nudist becomes all shook up when she is attacked by crazed lab rats.  The “Everything but the Kitchen Sink” finale is still a thing of B-Movie beauty, and the “summary” of the film’s events at the end is fun too. 

Like the early nudist movies, there are long conversations about the benefits of the nudist lifestyle.  This isn’t really necessary in a monster movie, but it helps to pad out the running time.  As a nudist film, it must be said there are some really innovative nudist scenes here.  I’ve sat through a lot of these things, and I have to tell you, The Monster of Camp Sunshine contains some of the best.  

Here’s the complete nudist rundown.  We have:  Nude sunbathing, nude smoking (What better way to enjoy the “healthy” nudist lifestyle than to smoke cigarettes while lounging naked outdoors?), nude kite flying, nude swimming, nude zither playing, nude van unpacking, nude marshmallow toasting, nude weenie roasting, nude birthday party (possibly the only cinematic instance, and therefore, highly recommended), nude sparkler waving, and nude fending off a monster.  It also may be the earliest progenitor of a slasher movie as a deformed axe killer stalks nude women at a summer camp.  If that doesn’t scream “must-see”, I don’t know what does.

AKA:  The Monster of Camp Sunshine, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Nature.  AKA:  Monster at Camp Sunshine.