TEEN STEAM (1988) ****

When I was a kid, Alyssa Milano was one of my first big celebrity crushes.  With Teen Steam, I get to relive those golden years when she was one of the hottest teen stars in Hollywood.  

In the ‘80s it seemed like EVERY celebrity had their own workout video.  Teen Steam is Alyssa’s.  It begins with a music video of her singing the title tune in the studio while dancers strut in a fog-drenched alley.  Then we see her in her room talking to her friends on the phone.  They all want to release a little steam, so she invites them over for a workout.  (They magically appear moments later out of thin air.) 

Teen Steam has a good message:  Kids are under a lot of pressure, and they need to release energy in a positive way, like working out.  (“Teen steam… Gotta let it out!”)  It was also something of a family affair for the Milano clan.  Dad Tom wrote the music and mom Lin produced and was the hairstylist.  

The workout portions are good cheesy fun, and the banter between Alyssa and her friends is casual and spontaneous.  At one point, she cheerfully shouts, “Eat your heart out, Jane”, a clear, but playful jab at Jane Fonda and her workout video.  Alyssa also tries to be “hip” by performing a rap about toe raises.  (According to the credits, the rap was co-written by The Wonder Years’ Jason Hervey!)  I also thought it was funny that Alyssa doesn’t do some of the exercises but sits idly by and watches her friends do them.  Things take a turn for the kooky about halfway into the video when Alyssa walks through her bedroom mirror and winds up back in the music video where her and a bunch of teens dance.  She naturally returns back to her room for the finale where the video ends with stretching “cool down” exercises. 

This review is coming from a forty-five-year-old dude.  Not only am I a genuine fan of Milano, but also of the celebrity workout genre/phenomenon.  As a form of ‘80s video archeology, Teen Steam is quite a find.  If I saw this when it was released as a young man entering puberty, I would award this the highest rating imaginable.  Watching it now, it still remains a fun relic of a bygone era with just enough WTF moments to make it a must-see for fans of ‘80s cheese. 

AKA:  Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam.  AKA:  Alyssa Milano:  Teen Steam.