LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DEADLY TARGET (1994) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Gary Daniels stars in this moderately entertaining PM Entertainment actioner as a Hong Kong cop who is sent to Los Angeles to bring back the drug kingpin (Byron Mann) who killed his brother.  Naturally, the prisoner transfer goes awry and his quarry escapes.  Everyone tells Gary to go back home, but he sticks around and teams up with a karate-kicking LA cop (Ken McLeod) to get his man(n). 

Deadly Target was the one and only directorial effort from actress Charla Driver.  She handles the fight scenes competently enough for the most part, and while there’s nothing revolutionary here, it’s quite satisfying overall.  (Driver gives us the obligatory scene where there’s a shot of a conspicuously placed vase, and you just know it’s only a matter of time before it is smashed by a whirling leg kick in slow motion.)  The car chases and explosions are rather over the top too, which is the norm for a PM flick.  Unfortunately, Driver puts way too much concentration on the love story subplot between Daniels and a Chinese blackjack dealer (Susan Byun).  These scenes are okay, but they only add to the already lengthy ninety-nine-minute running time. 

The characters make so much about Gary being a cop from Hong Kong that it almost made me wonder if the script was originally supposed to star an Asian lead.  Either way, I guess it didn’t matter where he was from.  (Although I guess it would make sense for Gary to be English since Hong Kong was under British rule at the time.)  All that really matters is that he kicks a bunch of dudes in the face and shoots a bunch of drug dealers, which, of course, he does.  Because of that, I’d say Deadly Target is a reasonably enjoyable addition to Gary’s vast DTV filmography. 

AKA:  Fire Zone.  AKA:  Street War.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SOLDIER BOYZ (1996) **

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 23rd, 2011)

Soldier Boyz finds Michael Dudikoff as an ex-military man-turned-social worker trying to get through to some gang members in a jail for troubled kids. Some rich guy approaches him to rescue his daughter who’s being held captive by Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa in Vietnam. Dudikoff accepts the mission but only as long as he can take a couple of these kids with him. Because the teens are in opposing gangs, racists, or otherwise psychotic, Dudikoff has to make sure they don’t kill each other before they kill the enemy.

So, basically what we’ve got here is a gangbanger version of The Dirty Dozen with The American Ninja in the Lee Marvin role.

Let me get this off my chest. The plot of this movie is fucking stupid. I mean who in their right mind would authorize sending incarcerated gang members to Vietnam on a top-secret mission? MILITARY prisoners, sure; but generic hoodrats? Please. Plus, the title is also misleading because there’s a girl on the team too. I guess Soldier Boyz and One Gurl just didn’t have the same ring to it.

Whatever the flick lacks in the probability department, it makes up for in the earnestness of Dudikoff’s performance. He really gives it his all and does a helluva job here. As misguided as most of the movie is, Dudikoff gives it some gravitas at least.

Despite the highly unlikely set-up, a good movie could’ve been made from this material. Often times, the flick plays like an OK first draft of a potentially good film. Maybe if they beefed up the villain a bit more and actually worked to make the gang members likeable; it could’ve worked.

Then again, since Louis (The Hitcher 2) Morneau, was in the director’s chair, the flick probably never stood a chance. Although there is quite a lot of gunfire and explosions; most of the action is routine and the finale is weak. The flick also loses major points for giving guys like Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa and Don Stroud (who wears an eye patch) virtually nothing worthwhile to do.

The flick is at its best during the scenes where Dudikoff whips his team in shape. It’s here where you can see glimpses of a decent movie trying to get out. Once Dudikoff and his “Boyz” start soldiering, it’s not much to write home about.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PLATOON LEADER (1988) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

There was a time when the DTV action market was filled with low budget Nam actioners in the wake of Rambo and Platoon.  With Platoon Leader, you can relive that short, but memorable era of home video entertainment. 

As far as Namsploitation flicks go, this one is OK.  It was produced by Cannon and stars Michael (American Ninja) Dudikoff as a green lieutenant who is sent to Nam to whip a platoon of soldiers into shape.  The disillusioned, weary grunts have been in the shit for months and resent their wet behind the ears superior who’s never seen combat.  He eventually learns what his men know all too well:  War is hell. 

Aaron Norris directs (in a rare outing in which his brother Chuck isn’t the star) with a workmanlike competence.  He does a better job directing the various gunfire battles and explosions than he does with the drama, but I guess that’s to be expected.  While Platoon Leader is certainly watchable, it’s honestly nothing we haven’t seen before, and done better I might add.  

At least the performances are pretty good.  Dudikoff is fine in the lead, even if his major character trait is to be constantly wrong about everything.  William Smith shows up for a little bit as his superior who sends him into battle without sufficient firepower or man support.  Robert F. Lyons is also solid as Dudikoff’s second in command who dutifully follows him into battle.  The rest of the grunts are the usual assortment of cliches and interchangeable soldier characters that are usually found in these sorts of things. 

If you’re a war movie buff, you probably won’t mind the cliched plot and characters, so you’ll probably enjoy it more than I did.  As a Dudikoff fan, I’d say it makes for an evening of perfectly agreeable entertainment.  It’s just that it’s more than a tad generic and nearly just as forgettable. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BIG CITY BLUES (1998) ½ *

FORMAT:  DVD

Sigh.  Big City Blues is one of those Tarantino knockoffs that were so prevalent in the late ‘90s.  As such, it features vignettes of interconnected criminal characters.  There are scenes of hitmen talking about movies and making long speeches (one is about “celestial roulette”) before they kill their target, people scoring drugs, and hookers that yammer on and on. 

It's sad that Burt Reynolds never got to be in a Tarantino movie.  (He was supposed to be in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, but passed away before filming began.)  I guess crap like this is probably the closest we’ll get, but it’s kind of depressing to see him in a Sam’s Choice/Great Value/Dr. Perky version of Pulp Fiction.  His bored, grumpy hitman character talks about Clint Eastwood and gives long monologues, but the scripting is amateurish, and the direction is borderline pathetic.  William Forsythe (who was also in the much better Strike Force with Burt) plays his partner in crime, and even he looks tired and ashamed.  Arye Gross and Giancarlo Esposito are on hand as a pair of trans individuals who want to get money for a sex reassignment surgery.   Don’t think this is a win for inclusion as their characters are one-note and feel like they were only there to cash in on To Wong Foo.  And don’t even get me started on the dumb comedy bits (like a hooker jerking off a client who gets off from singing “Old MacDonald Had a Farm”) and the lame fantasy scenes (like a party where everyone dresses up in frog costumes). 

The script rips off Pulp Fiction right down to the scene where characters are kidnapped by creepy, perverted, would-be rapists.  This time, instead of rednecks, it’s kinky Satanists.  I’ve lived a long time and I’ve seen a lot of things, but I didn’t need to see Burt Reynolds strapped to a torture rack and wearing a studded S & M leather thong. 

When the characters finally come together, it’s anticlimactic and not nearly worth all the trouble.  Plus, to add insult to injury, Burt gets one of the worst death scenes on record.  If it wasn’t for Georgina Cates’ lengthy third act nude scene, it would’ve been totally worthless. 

The worst thing about it is the awful cinematography.  Many scenes are dimly lit to the point that it’s hard to see much of anything.  Others are awash in a dark blue hue.  I know the movie is called Big City Blues. but they could’ve picked a lighter shade.  It might’ve at least been easier to see. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BOUNTY HUNTERS 2: HARDBALL (2001) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Director George Erschbamer reteamed with stars Michael Dudikoff and Lisa Howard for this entertaining sequel.  Now, the two rival bounty hunters Jersey and B.B. have gone into business with each other.  Not only that, but they’re dating and have even moved in together.  However, juggling work and a relationship has gotten the best of them, so they decide to split up.  Meanwhile, a kingpin played by Tony Curtis (!) gives his hotheaded underling (Steve Bacic) one week to kill Jersey, which naturally results in a lot of fistfights, chase scenes, and explosions. 

Dudikoff and Howard’s easy chemistry carries over quite seamlessly into this more or less immediate sequel.  It’s kind of a shame they didn’t make more movies together.  Curtis (who alternately shows up wearing a bad wig or an even worse hat) is only in a few brief scenes, but it’s always amusing seeing him turn up in something like this.  Bacic is kind of annoying as the upstart wannabe gangster, but that kind of works to his advantage. 

Whenever the pace threatens to flag or the plot looks like it’s going around in circles, Erschbamer tosses in a solid fight sequence or a memorable death (my favorite was the harpoon gun scene) to keep the movie’s head above water.  The highlight is a fight scene at a car wash which plays as a slight reworking of the chop shop fight in the first film.  Instead of all the mechanics knowing Kung Fu, all the car wash attendants are beefy Mafia thugs.  There’s also plenty of humor like the funny scene where Howard winds up dressed like a dominatrix and the faux-Spaghetti Western opening.  Overall, Bounty Hunters 2:  Hardball is just as good, if not better than its predecessor. 

The angry police captain (Claire Riley) gets the best line of the movie when she tells Dudikoff, “This is America!  The bad guys have more rights than you do!”

AKA:  Hardball.

MAD MAXINE: FRISKY ROAD (2018) ** ½

Unlike the last movie I just watched, this is a straight-up spoof of Mad Max:  Fury Road, but with a sexy babe (in this case, porn star Olive Glass) in the lead role.  Instead of gas being the world’s most precious commodity, it’s women’s fashion and accessories.  Maxine wanders into “Thunderbone” where she is sentenced to participate in a tickle fight, and whoever pisses themselves first loses.  (“Two girls enter!  One girl pees!”)  Things get worse for Maxine when a chick named Horniosa (Sandra Sopranos) steals her car and they become wanted by the evil Immortan Hoe (Darian Caine). 

The opening narration is a pretty spot-on parody of the beginning of The Road Warrior, and it even comments on the “weird ‘80s hairstyles” found in these post-apocalyptic movies.  Surprisingly enough, the flick is also able to recreate bits from Road Warrior, Beyond Thunderdome, and Fury Road on an abysmally low budget.  The chase scenes and action sequences are really chintzy though, the costumes look like they came from Dollar Tree, and the CGI is shitty, but at least they tried to replicate the feel of the Mad Max movies.  I mean I totally wasn’t expecting to see a low-rent version of the flamethrower guitar guy from Fury Road, but they managed to squeeze him in somehow.  Plus, the “Captain Walker” bit is priceless, especially for someone like me who despises all the “Morrow Morrow Land” shit in Beyond Thunderdome. 

Yes, Seduction Cinema doesn’t make too many of these softcore parodies anymore, but it’s good to know they still crank them out every now and again.  Glass is fine in the lead, but it’s Caine who seems to be having the most fun.  I will say the sex scenes aren’t great, act mostly as filler, are way too brief, and look like they were taken from completely different movies.  If they put as much thought into the softcore action as they did the post-apocalyptic action, we might’ve had a winner here.   

MAD MAXINE (2023) * ½

Maxine (Kristen Lundberg) is the last woman on Earth, which means it’s been a long time since she’s had herself a man.  Too bad she spends most of her time holed up in a bunker and killing zombies.  Maxine’s situation changes for the better when she finally finds a zombie with a hard-on. 

The title Mad Maxine might make you think you’re in for a no-budget gender-swapped version of Mad Max.  Sadly, that is totally not the case.  In fact, if you watch this, it might make you madder than Maxine.

It seems like somewhere along the way, the filmmakers lost focus.  It’s only forty-two minutes long, but it still suffers from some gratuitous padding.  Since Maxine was a writer before the apocalypse, she spends most of her days writing.  Unfortunately, we are forced to watch vignettes and sketches of her work.  None of this is remotely entertaining and doesn’t amount to much except for a few bad SNL skits.  The subplot about two women who are still making exercise videos even after the apocalypse is OK though.  It's just that it feels like it came out of an entirely different movie. 

At least this portion of the film fits the context of the post-apocalyptic setting better than the scenes of the wine moms gossiping poolside while their bored kids look on.  Or the part with the dude bro hanging out and getting high in LA and having freak-outs about Marilyn Monroe.  In fact, the whole thing feels like a collection of shorts that were cobbled together and passed off as a Mad Max rip-off.   Which is another way of saying it’s more or less insufferable.

I mean if you’re going to make what amounts to a collection of sketches and skits, at least advertise as such.  Don’t sucker fools like me into thinking they’re getting a post-apocalyptic comedy.  Sure, that’s one tiny sliver of the plot, but it’s not nearly enough to make it worth watching.