LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BAN THE SADIST VIDEOS! (2005) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 5th, 2017)

(NOTE:  This documentary was included on the Night of the Demon Blu-Ray)

David Gregory is one of the great horror film documentarians of our time.  A director of several behind-the-scenes DVD special features, he has been entertaining and informing for decades, giving us in-depth documentaries on some of the most popular horror movies ever made.  With Ban the Sadist Videos, Gregory gives us a comprehensive look at Britain’s crackdown on horror videos in the ‘80s. 

Gregory begins with a glimpse of just how wide open the video market was in the early ‘80s.  Since the major studios were a little slow on the uptake, independent companies were able to flood the market with exploitation titles like Last House on the Left, I Spit on Your Grave, and Cannibal Holocaust.  Video stores were practically everywhere at the time, so these films were readily available to just about anyone.  Soon, moral crusaders took it upon themselves to ban the movies in an effort to “save the children”.  This led to a government crackdown on violent videos and police raids on mom and pop video stores, which gave the videos instant worldwide notoriety. 

In America, we didn’t have this sort of hubbub.  Our battle was mostly with the MPAA who cut out all the nasty bits before the movie could even be released.  As a Yank, I found this documentary to be highly informative, but the real reason to see it is for all the cool archive footage of the old video stores and seeing goriest snippets of the films in question.  I also enjoyed the interviews with filmmakers like Jess Franco, Wes Craven, and Dario Argento, who talk about how it feels to have your work censored.  I just wish there was more footage of them because most of the directors interviewed take the censorship kind of personally.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FRATERNITY OF HORROR (1964) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Fraternity of Horror is a previously unreleased movie made by the producers of Night of the Demon when they were just starting out.  It was also directed by none other than Rocky Jones himself, Richard Crane.  It can be found among the many extras on Severin’s Blu-Ray release of Night of the Demon as a bonus feature.  It’s not great, but it certainly has its moments. 

A fraternity readies to scare the bejabbers out of their new prospective pledges (and their dates) during a late-night scavenger hunt inside of a makeshift haunted house during hell week.  Once the pledges arrive at the mansion, they eventually realize they are not alone.  Then, things get REALLY weird.

The college prank set-up reminded me a little bit of Ring of Terror and some of the haunted house shenanigans are reminiscent of Monsters Crash the Pajama Party.  The opening fraternity party scene is a lot of fun too.  A band named The Spinners (no, not those Spinners) does a great song called “Watusi Woman” while a sorority sister shakes her moneymaker on stage.  Crane gives us a couple of effective moments along the way too, like the sudden appearance of a severed head.  

The plot takes a wacky turn near the end, and it almost becomes an entirely different movie by the final reel.  I won’t spoil what happens.  All I’ll say is that the plot twist is so random that you’ll either go with it or you won’t.  (I went with it because, why not?)  However, some of the tension that Crane managed to build up is lost since so many of the scenes inside the haunted house are so darkly lit that it’s hard to see much of anything. 

Surprisingly enough, this wound up making for a decent double feature with Night of the Demon as the film’s monster sort of resembles Demon’s Bigfoot creature.  (Although it honestly looks more like the Bigfoot from Shriek of the Mutilated.)  While the filmmakers were obviously destined for bigger and better projects, Fraternity of Horror is a nice little indicator of things to come.  

ULTIMATE SENSUAL MASSAGE (1991) **

Playboy Video released this guide to couples' massage.  I’m not sure how informative it really is, seeing how it mostly exists as softcore filler, and even then, it fails as being very arousing.  Still, there’s some big unintentional laughs to be had, so it might be worth a look if you’re a fan of cheesy, dated, erotica. 

The first segment is called “Awakening” (**).  A couple stay at a B & B and the offscreen narrator/instructor tells us about the joys of waking up a loved one with a massage.  Our narrator recommends using an ostrich feather to add to the stimulation… because we all know people have ostrich feathers just hanging around their B & B. 

“Rejuvenation” (**) is up next.  After a day on the slopes, a couple come back to their cabin and give each other massages in front of the fireplace.  This sequence spends a lot of time on foot massages.  If you’re into that sort of thing, you might want to add an extra star to the rating.  This one didn’t do much for me, however.  There is one funny bit where the woman holds her lover’s ankle and pulls him up like a wheelbarrow though, and the narration (“KNEED the Gluteus Maximus”) is good for a laugh. 

In “Sensations” (**), a couple on the beach (an obvious set) apply suntan lotion to one another, which turns into a nude massage.  Our narrator lets us know that suntan lotion works just as well as massage oil.  We’re also told that you can use your feet on your partner’s back.  I mean, that might work at home, but on the beach?  You’d be covered in sand!  Oh, and I am all for exhibitionism.  However, I’m not sure that getting naked on the beach is a good idea, especially during tourist season.  The narration in this one is priceless too.  (“Remember:  A woman’s breasts are GLANDS not muscles!”)

Tenderness (**) is the fourth scene.  In this one, a couple give each other massages before bedtime.  Some of the massages include using chopping techniques, rotating the head and neck muscles, and temple massages.  I thought this segment was going to be beneficial and informative until the narrator suggested using something “mechanical” to assist you.  I thought they were talking about a vibrator, but when the woman brought out a heavy piece of machinery that looked a belt sander to use on her man’s back, I just had to laugh. 

“Seduction” (***) is the last and best sequence.  A couple standing on a cliff (it looks like something out of a Harlequin romance novel) seduce each other with fruit and wine before moving on to sensual massages.  I was almost ready to zone out on this one until the scene where the male model pours wine on the woman and the male narrator says, “Use the nectar of the gods to lubricate your partner’s loins!”  I might have missed some other good bits because I was laughing so hard at that line.  All in all, this scene isn’t exactly “hot”, but it is a laugh riot. 

Oh, I guess I should also mention the tape has two narrators, which is the big problem.  The woman narrator is informative and has a sexy voice.  The male narrator on the other hand sounds exactly like the voice on those DVD lens cleaners.  That is to say he sounds very jarring and his robotic tone ruins whatever romantic mood the filmmakers had set.  In fact, some of the music sounds like it came from one of those DVD lens cleaners. 

I’m really not sure why they thought this needed two narrators.  The lady did just fine on her own.  We definitely didn’t need the male narrator throwing cold water on the whole deal. 

Frankly, the tape isn’t really informative either.  Anyone who’s ever given their partner a massage could’ve figured all this out on their own.  You certainly won’t learn anything from this tape, that’s for sure.  Then again, it’s good for a couple of chuckles.  

AKA:  Playboy:  Ultimate Sensual Massage.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1983) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 4th, 2019, as a part of The 31 Movies of Horror-Ween)

When I was compiling a list of movies to watch this month, I sort of figured the majority of them would be bad.  Heck, I was kind of counting on it.  Let me tell you, I was completely floored by just how awesome Night of the Demon was.  It is one of the grimiest, grossest, grindhouse-iest movies ever made.  Not only that, it is far and away the greatest Bigfoot flick of all time.  

A professor (Michael Cutt) wakes up in a hospital with bandages on his face.  Everyone wants to know what happened to him, so he relates a series of flashbacks.  First off, some inconsequential guy gets his arm ripped off by Bigfoot.  I don’t know if that was something the professor actually witnessed or just some cool-ass shit to kick off the title sequence, but that was some pretty groovy gory goodness.  

During the title sequence, you’ve got to listen to a lot of flute-led smooth jazz while a bunch of dull white people that look like they stepped out of a JC Penney catalogue walk around endlessly.  Then, the plot begins.  The professor watches recovered home movie footage that convinces him Bigfoot is in his woods.  One of his classmates tells a story about a couple banging in the woods being attacked by Bigfoot.  (If you’re keeping score, this is a flashback inside of a flashback, which makes it even better… and there will be many more to follow.)

This sequence is incredible.  Bigfoot interrupts the couple while they’re getting it on inside their van.  The heavily-bosomed woman watches, mouth agape as what’s left of her lover’s bloody body slides down the windshield while she repeatedly screams, “Oh!  Oh!  Oooh!  Oh!” before dying of fright.  This is truly some funny shit.

The professor then takes his students into the woods looking for Bigfoot.  When Bigfoot steals their boat and leaves them stranded, they go looking for help in the form of the mute “Crazy Wanda” (Melanie Graham) who lives in the woods.  She’s mute on account of the fact the Bigfoot raped her and when she had Bigfoot Jr., her Christian father killed it at birth, so the enraged Wanda burned him alive.  Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t talk much neither after all that.  Now, Bigfoot occasionally leaves her trinkets he finds in the woods (possibly lifted from his victims), which I guess makes it kind of like a warped version of Bigfoot alimony.

You know how in most Bigfoot movies he’s portrayed as a missing link type thing?  In this one, he’s basically a furry Jason Vorhees.  That description is quite accurate when you consider he kills someone while they’re in their sleeping bag.  This sleeping bag death puts the one in Friday the 13th Part 7 to shame.  

The gore in this thing is off the chain.  Bigfoot uses an axe on a lumberjack, makes two Girl Scouts stab themselves to death, and there's gut-ripping and eyeball-popping too.  It’s the scene where Bigfoot rips a guy’s dick off that is the real showstopper.  

In short, Night of the Demon is the movie The Legend of Boggy Creek should’ve been.  They actually have a lot in common.  Both contain scenes of the local yokels being interviewed about the legend of the monster.  It even shares the same flashback-heavy structure Boggy Creek had.  However, unlike Boggy Creek, it’s got lots of T & A and gore.  That is to say it’s the greatest Bigfoot movie ever made.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS (1983) ***

 FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Comin’ at Ya was a surprise hit that kicked off the 3-D revival of the ‘80s.  The makers of that film quickly reteamed for another 3-D adventure.  This time instead of an old-fashioned western, they delivered a 3-D Indiana Jones rip-off. 

An adventurer (Comin’ at Ya’s Tony Anthony) is hired to retrieve the titular treasure.  Problem is, one of the crowns is in the possession of a crazed cult leader.  Tony assembles a ragtag team (including a boozing mountain climber, a washed-up circus strongman, and his trapeze artist daughter) to sneak into the cult’s temple and steal the treasure. 

Many of the 3-D effects are cheesy.  You can clearly see the strings on the pterodactyls, fireballs, and floating keys as they fly out into the audience.  We also get a completely random eleventh-hour Exorcist-inspired head-spinning scene. 

This might not be the best 3-D transfer from 3-D Archive as some of the “in your face” effects don’t quite line up just right.  (The dirt in the print seems to float in midair at times.)  I’d say the success rate is about 70/30 in terms of effective eye-popping effects, which is still much better than your typically indifferent 3-D home releases.  Then again, with this much stuff coming out of the screen, it’s hard to complain.  Also, the majority of the depth of field effects look terrific. 

Admittedly, some of this gets a bit exhausting after a while.  However, I can’t fault the filmmakers for trying to toss every conceivable object at the audience.  In fact, Treasure of the Four Crowns has more 3-D effects in the first twenty minutes than ten typical 3-D pictures combined.  With so much stuff hurtling at your eyeballs, it’s enough to make you dizzy.  In an age where most 3-D is post-converted, it’s refreshing to watch something that embraces the gimmick, even if it comes at the expense of the story.  

There are one or two clever sequences, like the Raiders-inspired opening and a nifty scene where the team break into the cult leader’s fortress.  Then again, these moments would probably be underwhelming in 2-D.  I mean, as a “movie”… well… it ain’t much.  As a gimmick… it’s certainly worth seeing at least once, if only to remember a time when filmmakers knew how to properly use (or in some cases, overuse) the technology. 

The 3-D effects include:  

• 3-D Star Wars Crawl

• 3-D Glove

• 3-D Cigarette 

• 3-D Spear

• 3-D Vine

• 3-D Leaves

• 3-D Vulture 

• 3-D Pterodactyl 

• 3-D Rope

• 3-D Snake

• 3-D Wood

• 3-D Dog

• 3-D Sword 

• 3-D Straps

• 3-D Skeleton Hand

• 3-D Sword

• 3-D Scepter

• 3-D Key 

• 3-D Crossbow

• 3-D Arrows (multiple)

• 3-D Spears (multiple)

• 3-D Sword

• 3-D Spikes

• 3-D Fireball (multiple)

• 3-D Sword

• 3-D Flames

• 3-D Fireworks 

• 3-D Cigarette

• 3-D Suit of Armor

• 3-D Spear

• 3-D Crown

• 3-D Pointer

• 3-D Magnifying Glass 

• 3-D Key

• 3-D Stick

• 3-D Cans

• 3-D Glass

• 3-D Water

• 3-D Flames

• 3-D Drawers

• 3-D Key

• 3-D Key

• 3-D Hands

• 3-D Snow

• 3-D Feather (multiple)

• 3-D Key

• 3-D Beams of Light (multiple)

• 3-D Hand

• 3-D Safecracking Tool

• 3-D Harnesses (multiple)

• 3-D Rope

• 3-D Grappling Gun

• 3-D Tony Anthony

• 3-D Magnet

• 3-D Chain Link Fence

• 3-D Feet

• 3-D Dog

• 3-D Rope 

• 3-D Feet (multiple)

• 3-D Scissors

• 3-D Candle

• 3-D Knife 

• 3-D Tambourines (multiple)

• 3-D Candle

• 3-D Tambourine

• 3-D Rope (multiple)

• 3-D Spikes

• 3-D Metal Snakes

• 3-D Real Snakes

• 3-D Sword

• 3-D Flame

• 3-D Glowing Orbs

• 3-D Explosions (multiple)

• 3-D Fireballs (multiple)

• 3-D Exploding Face

• 3-D Gun 

• 3-D Glass

• 3-D Monster

So, to sum up:  ** for the movie.  **** for the 3-D.  *** Average. 

AKA:  Crown in the Temple of Doom.

FANGS (1981) * ½

Fangs is an Egyptian remake/rip-off of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  It starts off with a fairly close copy of the famous opening credits sequence, complete with the close-up of the lips.  It even begins with the Egyptian Brad and Janet stand-ins getting stranded along the side of the road and going to a mysterious house.  Heck, we even have film breaks with a criminologist who helps explain the plot. 

Sadly, there’s no sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania.  Instead, it’s just a lame dude who dresses like Dracula and looks like Erik Estrada.  There’s no “Time Warp” either, but we do get a cool little disco theme with guys in vampire capes and KISS-inspired make-up. 

Then, the wheels fall off.  Fast.  Real fast. 

The scene that totally does the movie in occurs about halfway in where we see scenes of Brad and Janet living their lives, but the vampire keeps popping up to spoil things.  His appearances are accompanied by music stolen from The Munsters, The Pink Panther, James Bond, and Jaws, among others.  In fact, the further away it gets from its original inspiration, the worse it becomes.  After the non-Rocky rip-off scenes (which MAYBE were supposed to be spoofing Egyptian TV shows and/or commercials, I’m not sure), it never recovers.  Moments like Dracula’s rival donning a Rocky Horror shirt or the Hammer-inspired scenes of the vampire burning up in sunlight are amusing, but ultimately come up a day late and a dollar short.

This all might’ve been tolerable for an hour or so.  However, it’s downright excruciating at an even one-hundred minutes.  I’m sure a lot of the humor got lost in translation, but that doesn’t excuse the confusing narrative or the bad musical numbers.  You may enjoy it more than I did, especially if you view it as its own thing and not strictly as a Rocky Horror rip-off.  Then again, it’s telling when the moments that crib from RHPS are easily the best parts of the movie. 

UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (2019) ** ½

Under the Silver Lake is a shaggy dog neo-noir detective story that runs along similar paths previously trodden upon by the likes of The Big Lebowski and Inherent Vice.  As with those films, the lead is a slacker who might not get as consistently high as Jeffrey Lebowski or Doc Sportello, but they are all most certainly kindred spirits.  While Under the Silver Lake isn’t quite as captivating as those movies were, it definitely has moments where it threatens to fire on all cylinders. 

Shiftless lay-about Sam (Andrew Garfield) is five days away from being evicted from his LA apartment complex, but he seems to spend more time spying on his neighbors than looking for a job.  One day, he meets a cute new neighbor Sarah (Riley Keough) and they wind up spending a pleasant evening together.  The next morning, she and her roommates mysteriously vanish without a trace.  Sam then takes it upon himself to find her, even if it means potentially unraveling society as we know it. 

The plot juggles a lot of apples.  There’s the business about the neighborhood dog killer, a missing Hollywood mogul, supposed subliminal messages in a local goth band’s music, etc.  They all could potentially be connected, and I won’t spoil how things shake out, but I ultimately felt the mystery had too many pieces that didn’t fit.  Then again, the movie is more about the importance of having a mystery to solve and not really about the mystery itself.  I think.

If that makes sense.  

I was not a fan of director David Robert Mitchell’s previous film, It Follows.  I will say his quirky style is more suited to a lackadaisical detective story than a horror flick, although he still shows off his horror roots here and there.  (Most notably during the dream scenes.)  While he doesn’t stick the landing, and the film is ultimately less than a sum of its parts, there are enough weird, surreal stretches to make it semi-worthwhile. 

The film is already something of a cult item, and it’s easy to see why.  Repeated viewings will probably help piece together the assorted cryptograms and hidden messages that lurk on the corners of the story.  I’m not exactly itching to watch it again immediately, but I could see myself revisiting it down the road, which is a helluva lot more than I can say for the wildly overpraised It Follows.