LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SUBMARINES (2003) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Submarines is another one of those generic action flicks from Nu Image’s “American Heroes” DTV line.  A disgraced American submarine captain and his crew are on their way home to be court martialed for colliding into another sub.  Meanwhile, terrorists seize control of a Russian sub and naturally, it’s up to our hero to save the day. 

There’s no way around it:  Submarines is bad.  Now, I’ve never been much of a submarine movie guy to begin with.  I mean, even something like The Hunt for Red October doesn’t do a whole lot for me.  Heck, I’ve never really been one for Battleship either.  And by “Battleship”, I mean the board game, not the movie based on the board game.  I mean, who am I kidding?  Even the Battleship movie sucked.  But I digress. 

Even if you are a die-hard submarine movie fan you may find it difficult to sit through this one as it’s pretty bottom of the barrel in just about every way.  From the generic title to the paper-thin characters to the overuse of stock footage (it looks like a lot of the sub footage was taken from either The Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide or both), it doesn’t take long for this snoozer to sink.  

This was the third American Heroes movie I have watched for this column, and it’s far and away the worst.  Special Forces and Air Marshal, while no means classics, certainly had their moments and were slightly better than expected.  Those films at least had signs of a heartbeat and little sparks of energy here and there.  Submarines on the other hand, is a case of what you see is what you get.  I’m sure you can already tell by the generic DVD box it’s going to be less than smooth sailing.  (Okay, enough with the nautical puns.)  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: D.R.E.A.M. TEAM (1999) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

D.R.E.A.M. Team is a pilot for a TV series I have never heard of.  It’s essentially a Charlie’s Angels rip-off, but it’s fairly decent as far as these things go.  While there’s not much here to distinguish it from a lot of the other ‘90s action shows that were running in syndication during the decade, it does boast a surprisingly robust cast of guest stars. 

Martin Sheen is the head of a counterterrorism group.  His right-hand man (Jeff Kaake) recruits three hot women played by Angie Everhart, Traci Bingham, and Eva Halina to lead his team. Posing as a cadre of supermodels known as “The Dream Team”, they head down to Puerto Rico to stop an international terrorist group from unleashing anthrax on New York. 

The impressive roster of villains include Traci Lords, Ian McShane, Paul L. Smith (in his final role), and James Remar.  McShane equips himself nicely as the ringleader of the group and Lords looks great as his arm candy/bodyguard.  Smith and Remar are sadly a bit underutilized, but their very presence certainly elevates what could’ve easily been a forgettable experience. 

Everhardt, Bingham and Halina are appropriately sexy as the model/agents, even if they don’t exactly have a lot of chemistry together.  They, however, all look credible during their action scenes, which helps.  Kaake makes for a serviceable, if a bit dorky lead, but come on, you’re not watching this for him, are you? 

The action is consistent with a late ‘90s TV shows.  We have shootouts, explosions, and stunts that aren’t quite up to the standard of a feature, but are competent, nevertheless.  There are also the traditional fade-ins and fade-outs every fifteen minutes or so where the commercial breaks would’ve been, which helps hammer home the Made for TV feel. 

Fortunately, there are some amusing moments along the way, like McShane having a remote-control machine gun turret that is equipped with a computer readout that looks like a Super Nintendo game.  The highlight comes when Lords and Everhardt duke it out, although I for one wish it went on longer.  Sadly, the plot point of the villains placing the anthrax at the World Trade Center has aged like milk. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ESCAPE PLAN: THE EXTRACTORS (2019) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Sylvester Stallone returns in this second DTV sequel to the underrated Escape Plan.  This time, he’s got to rescue the daughter of a Chinese CEO who has been kidnapped by the crazy son of his ex-business partner (Devon Sawa).  You know how those crazy sons of your ex-business partner can be.  That’s after all why we have that famous phrase.  Who hasn’t yelled, “You crazy son of my ex-business partner!” at the car who cut them off in traffic?  But I digress. 

Look, I loved the first Escape Plan more than most.  I didn’t particularly like the second one, but I think I enjoyed it more than the Average Joe.  This one is slightly better than 2, but it certainly feels more generic.  Director John Herzfeld (who also directed Sly in the awful Reach Me) does deliver a couple of decent fight scenes and deaths though.  So, there’s that.

Like Escape Plan 2, The Extractors was a Chinese co-production.  That means Sly can conveniently step out of the movie every once in a while so that some of the Chinese actors can do a little of the heavy lifting.  It also tacks on a couple minutes to the opening credits sequence as there are at least eight logos for various production companies (half of which are from China) immediately after the Lionsgate logo appears. 

Like 2, it’s sorely missing the presence of Arnold Schwarzenegger.  In his place, we have Devon Sawa, Dave Bautista (who gets more to do than he did last time), 50 Cent (who gets less to do than he did last time), Jaime King, and Daniel Bernhardt (and Vincent D’Onofrio, if you count his flashback from the first movie).  None of them really are on their A-Game here, but their presence at least makes it feel like it’s not (as much of) a cheap production. 

Oh, and like 2, it’s pretty forgettable. 

DEATH MASK (1998) **

Three minutes into this movie, I thought I had lost my goddamned mind.  There is bad editing and there is bad editing.  Then, there is the editing in Death Mask.  At least one of the many incomprehensible scenes that kick off the film features Linnea Quigley taking a shower.  Hey, if I’m going to the looney bin I might as well go happy.  Fortunately for the audience, the editing gets better as the flick goes along, even if the chintzy production values stay about the same.  (There’s some really bad late ‘90s morphing effects.)

Death Mask is the brainchild of Roscoe P. Coltrane himself, James Best.  He wrote and stars as a scarred carnival barker who makes scary masks.  When he loses his job, a fellow carny (Quigley) takes him to see a swamp witch who gives him a piece of cursed wood to make a new mask.  The only problem is, whenever he puts the mask on, someone dies. 

Death Mask is rough going at times as much of the plot runs around in circles.  It also suffers from some major lulls in between the murder/death scenes.  Since the murder/death scenes include a decapitation via carnival ride, a bizarre scene where a samurai suit of armor comes to life, and a snake attack, it’s not all bad.

The major saving grace is Quigley. Despite the schlocky trappings of the movie, she really gives 110% and helps to (slightly) elevate the limp material.  Some amusement can also be had from seeing Best chewing the scenery, but for the most part, it’s all fairly crummy stuff.  If you really want to watch him in a fun B-movie, check out The Killer Shrews instead.

A madam gets the best line of the movie when she tells Best, “The last time she saw your face, she had the nervous shits for days!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HIT AND RUN (2012) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Hit and Run is a surprisingly fresh updating of the old reliable car chase genre.  The secret sauce that holds everything together is the chemistry between real-life couple Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell, who spend much of the movie confined in the close quarters of cars, hotels, and convenience stores.  Their performances are so natural that there are times when you feel like you’re eavesdropping on their private conversations.  Even the dialogue seems like it could’ve been plucked from their marriage.  Moments where Bell takes Shepard to task for casually using a slur, having a frank discussion about their careers, and talking about things that happened in their past ring true mostly because they talk like real people and not characters in a car chase movie. 

The car chase itself is a little different than usual.  Most of these movies entail outlaws outrunning the police.  Here, our hero Dax is a former criminal in the witness protection program who decides against his handler’s wishes to drive his girlfriend to LA for her new job.  Along the way, his former criminal associate (Bradley Cooper) gets wind of his identity and tries to get revenge. 

The supporting players seem to be having a lot of fun.  Cooper looks like an Olympic snowboarder with his white boy dreadlocks, but he still has an air of menace about him.  I liked the scene where he casually suggests to a guy in a grocery store that he’s better off feeding his dog natural dog food.  When he shrugs off the suggestion, Cooper makes him eat it at gun point.  Michael Rosenbaum also looks to be having a blast playing Bell’s tweaked out jealous ex-boyfriend.  Tom Arnold gets some laughs too as a clumsy marshal. 

For a car chase movie, the actual chasing and stunts feel almost like an afterthought.  While they are competently handled and filmed, they don’t exactly knock your socks off.  That’s perfectly fine though, seeing how the quirky original characters and funny dialogue more than make up for it. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DIVINE TRASH (1998) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 17th, 2007)

(NOTE:  Divine Trash was featured as a bonus supplement on the Criterion Collection’s Blu-Ray of Pink Flamingos.) 

Documentarian Steve Yeager’s fun, fact-filled chronicle of cult maverick John Waters is a must-see for fans of Baltimore’s greatest living director. It covers his childhood (he used to perform puppet plays based on William Castle’s The Tingler) and his early films with his leading lady Divine (such as Hag in a Black Leather Jacket, Roman Candles and Eat Your Make-Up) and concludes with the making of his cult classic Pink Flamingos. His early influences (H.G. Lewis, the Kuchar Brothers, and Paul Morrissey), fans (Jim Jarmusch, David O. Russell and Steve Buscemi), and his famed acting troupe (Mink Stole and Mary Vivian Pierce) are interviewed as well as Waters himself. The interviews are insightful and entertaining, but the best part is seeing rare behind the scenes footage from the set of Pink Flamingos (including the infamous dog shit eating scene). Yeager also directed In Bad Taste, which covered Waters’ later years and features many of the same interviewees.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PINK FLAMINGOS (1972) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

John Waters’ Pink Flamingos is a movie that is almost impossible to review.  It’s kind of unclassifiable unless you’re talking to someone who’s already seen it.  You either dig it or you don’t.  Even more than fifty years after its release, it still manages to be perverse, funny, and shocking.  I can’t quite exactly call it a “good” movie.  It’s more of a force of nature; something that must be experienced rather than “seen”.  

The plot has the Marbles, Raymond and Connie (David Lochary and Mink Stole) competing with Divine (himself) for the title of “Filthiest Person Alive”.  Naturally, all the back and forth between the two competitors leads to murder.  Finally, to cement her title, Divine resorts to eating dog shit.

I got a perverse thrill knowing this Midnight Movie cult flick has not only been released on Blu-Ray by the Criterion Collection, but also has been preserved as part of the National Film Registry by the Library of Congress.  Do you think Waters and his cohorts ever envisioned that happening back in the ‘70s when they were running around the backwoods of Baltimore filming this?  I think not.

Pink Flamingos isn’t exactly a “film”, per se.  Instead, it functions more as a transgressive piece of rebel art.  Yes, it has a narrative, but it seems sort of juvenile, which helps to set up the craziness in the last half-hour. (Yes, I’m referring to the dog shit eating.)  Although by this point, it probably seems tame to today’s generation raised on the internet, or anyone who’s Googled Two Girls One Cup.  

Sure, there are things I love about the movie.  First and foremost, Divine.  He’s definitely a star.  He probably didn’t need to eat dog shit to be a legend, but I’m sure it didn’t hurt.  I also love Edith the Egg Lady, who gives a terrific performance.  

No matter how many times I’ve seen it, I do start to tap out by the time the “Singing Asshole” scene comes around.  To me, the dog shit scene seems kind of quaint in comparison.  It’s in the last half-hour where the film kind of goes off the rails and becomes part cinematic carnival geek show, part gore movie, and part fetish video. 

This is one case where a star rating system doesn’t really apply.  You’re either the kind of person who would watch it or you aren’t.  My review isn’t going to sway you one way or another.  I don’t even know if anyone can call it “good” in a conventional sense, but it is an important milestone, not only in terms of Midnight Movies, but in cinema in general.  I mean, if it’s good enough for the Library of Congress, it’s good enough for me. 

Oh, and the Blu-Ray comes with a replica of the Pink “Phlegm-ingos” barf bag, which is fucking cool.