LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MISTY’S SECRET (2000) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Misty Mundae takes a bath while Tina Krause combs her hair in the nude.  Then they hop in the tub together and Misty washes Tina’s back.  Eventually, she seduces Tina.  So far, so great.  Meanwhile, Ruby Larocca comes to New York and visits the Empire State Building.  Later, while alone in her friend’s apartment, she performs a striptease at the window and plays with herself.  

Misty’s Secret is a fine film, yet I found it a little frustrating.  I mean, it features Misty, Tina, and Ruby naked, so it’s pretty much critic-proof, but still.  I mean after the movie was over, I had like… sooo… many questions.  First off, what’s up with Ruby taking her clothes off all by her lonesome and never interacting with either Misty or Tina?  Were they just unused scenes from an uncompleted movie that were tacked on to boost the running time?  Or is there a deeper meaning to it all?

Oh, and what’s up with the “Necktie Killer”?  Is he there to show how fate can arbitrarily snuff out love before it has time to blossom?  Or is he a moral crusader there to stop an “unnatural” relationship?  We never really learn one way or the other.

Oh… and most importantly… WHAT THE HELL IS MISTY’S SECRET?  She doesn’t say a word the whole movie.  What secrets is she keeping?  Argh. 

Since Misty spends 80% of her screen time naked and 90% of that time in the bathtub, these questions are mostly irrelevant.  (Maybe Misty’s secret is how to avoid wearing clothing.)  In fact, Misty spends so much time in the tub I was afraid the poor girl was going to turn into a prune.  

I think they have a name for movies that are ambiguous, full of unanswered riddles, and contain massive amounts of nudity:  Art film.  And as far as art films go, I’d say Misty’s Secret is Oscar worthy, if only for the massive amounts of nudity. 

FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA (2024) ** ½

Following up Mad Max:  Fury Road was an unenviable task.  I won’t lie.  There are certainly moments in Furiosa:  A Mad Max Saga that flirts with the greatness of that film.  However, these moments are often fleeting and followed by long frustrating stretches.  If Fury Road was a breathlessly paced affair, then Furiosa has a tendency to hold its breath.  A lot. 

This is a prequel following Charlize Theron’s character, Furiosa.  We see how she grew up and came to be in Immortan Joe’s army.  And more importantly, how she lost her arm. 

This is all well and fine, but Furiosa is sorely lacking the dynamic center that makes a Mad Max movie work.  Namely, uh… Mad Max.  Theron had no trouble carrying her share of Fury Road, and one could only imagine how much better this could’ve been with her in the driver’s seat.  Sadly, we are saddled with Anya Taylor-Joy, who just isn’t quite up to the task as she seems much to waifish to be an action heroine. 

The biggest issue though is with the movie’s structure.  The story is told in five acts, only three of which were really necessary.  There are also some time jumps that are oddly placed.  Because of that, it’s missing the urgency of the other pictures.  I mean, it’s hard to put the pedal to the metal when the narrative is starting and sputtering.  Maybe Taylor-Joy could’ve made a better impression if she didn’t show up till about the fifty-minute mark.   

I don’t want to seem like I’m too down on Furiosa because when it cooks, it sizzles.  The first act finds director George Miller digging into western iconography as several moments have the feel of a John Ford movie. The big “War Rig” sequence harkens back to the Road Warrior days, and he gives us some memorable touches along the way (like the parachute dudes).  The finale is solid too, but it’s much too uneven and overlong (it’s over two and a half hours) to really gel as a whole.  Ultimately it just feels more like a collection of footnotes leading up to Fury Road than an honest prequel. 

Chris Hemsworth is funny as Dementus, the villain.  With his beak nose and squawking delivery, he seems like a post-nuke version of the Cocoa Puffs bird.  His motorcycle chariot is by far the most unique and bizarre touch in the film.  My favorite new character was “Octoboss”, although like most henchmen, he only has a few cool moments to shine before being dispatched. 

It’s Hemsworth who gets the best line when he says, “When things go bonkers, you got to adapt!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GOING UNDER PART 2 (1998) ** ½

Chelsea Mundae toplined the first Going Under.  For this sequel, her more famous sister, Misty takes the lead role.  This was in Misty’s pre-Seduction Cinema era when she had short hair and tattoos.  So, if you like seeing Misty in her early days getting the shit chloroformed out of her, you should enjoy it. 

This time out, the chloroforming creep (once again played by writer/director William Hellfire) brings sexy Misty back to his pad.  Not even five minutes into the date and he’s bringing out the chloroform and seeing how much she can take before she passes out.  Later, he unties another captive (Amanda Star) and forces her to join in on the chloroforming shenanigans. 

Despite the presence of a bigger star, the stakes and scope seem smaller this time out.  Overall, it feels more like a remake of the original instead of a sequel, only with the slightest of variations.  (For example, the killer holds the girls at knifepoint instead of using a gun.)  It’s also shorter, slighter, and unfortunately, more amateurish.  In fact, it feels like a step down in quality from Going Under in just about every department.  (There is more nudity this time out though, which sort of helps.)

Now that I got that off my chest, I have to say Going Under Part 2 certainly has its moments.  Say what you will about it, but the “chloroform in the panties” scene is mighty effective.  Other than that memorable bit, there’s really nothing here that approaches the fun of the opening scene in the first film.  

Fortunately, the forty-two minute running time flies by.  The presence of Misty alone makes it a must-see in my book, even if it’s not one of her best vehicles.  Plus, the healthy dose of nudity ensures that the audience, unlike the characters in the film, won’t be nodding off.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GOING UNDER (1998) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Chelsea Mundae (Misty Mundae’s real-life sister) and her gal pal Leslie Loves rent a horror movie and make fun of it, Mystery Science Theater-style.  Little do they know a real killer (writer/director William Hellfire) is lurking inside the house.  He gets the drop on the girls and makes them chloroform each other at gunpoint.  Eventually, they pass out and the wacko ties the girls up and prepares to do them even more harm. 

Going Under is essentially a fetish video for a fetish I didn’t know existed.  Girls being tied up?  I get that.  Girls being forced to chloroform each other against their will?  Well… that’s a new one on me.  Now, far be it from me to kink shame, but speaking as someone who was unaware of this fetish, I have to say, it’s all handled reasonably well.  I mean, if this is what you’re in to, then you will undoubtedly get your rocks off from this movie. 

It helps that Hellfire manages to bring an element of suspense to the picture.  The early scenes of the heroines watching a slasher movie while the killer is right behind them play like a SOV version of Scream.  This sequence is surprisingly effective and nicely sets the tone for what’s to come.  Even though it is shot on video, it’s all fairly high quality as far as this stuff goes. 

The cast is better than expected too.  Writer/director/star William Hellfire is quite good as the creepy, cackling killer.  Chelsea and Leslie are equally strong as the seemingly capable captives who slowly bend to the will of their tormentor.  The short running time helps too, and you have to give Hellfire credit for not pointlessly dragging things out.  When your movie has such a thin (albeit novel) premise, it’s always a smart move to quit while you’re ahead. 

A sequel, starring Misty Mundae, soon followed.

THE STRANGE VICE OF MRS. WARDH (1971) *** ½

The beautiful Edwige Fenech stars as a diplomat’s wife who used to have a kinky relationship with the skeevy Ivan Rassimov.  While her husband is off doing diplomatic shit, she begins seeing a dashing playboy played by George Hilton.  Meanwhile, there’s a sex fiend running around slashing up women with a straight razor.  Chances are he’s probably one of the three men in Edwige’s life.  To make matters worse, the killer begins blackmailing Edwige, which could potentially ruin her husband’s good name. 

Edwige is one of the undisputed queens of sexy cinema.  If you enjoy her work, then you should definitely check out The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh as she delivers one of her best performances.  Fenech has many fine moments along the way.  Whether she’s getting rammed in the rain, banging on a bed of broken glass, or being boned in a boat, she has several high-quality nude and sex scenes. 

Directed by Sergio Martino, who also collaborated with Edwige on Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key (there’s a scene where Fenech receives some flowers from an anonymous sender and the inscription on the card has that film’s title, which I guess makes for a loose duology), The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh is a top-notch giallo with plenty of touches to please fans of the genre.  In addition to delivering several solid murder sequences, Martino also gives us an excellent cat and mouse suspense scene set in a parking garage that has at least one dynamite jump scare.  The ending is genuinely surprising too, which is a lot more than I can say for these kinds of things.  Couple Martino’s slick, effective direction with the fetching performance by Fenech and you have yourself a real winner. 

AKA:  Don’t Be Afraid, Julie.  AKA:  Next!  AKA:  The Next Victim.  AKA:  Blade of the Ripper.

HYPNOTIC (2023) ** ½

Ben Affleck stars as a detective whose daughter has been kidnapped.  While trying to foil a robbery, he finds a photo of her in a safety deposit box that may lead to her whereabouts.  However, the bank robber (William Fitchner) is no ordinary bandit.  He’s a “hypnotic”, a powerful telepath who can make weak-minded individuals do his bidding.  Ben eventually teams up with another hypnotic (Alice Braga) to find his daughter and stop Fitchner’s reign of terror. 

Directed by Robert Rodriguez, Hypnotic has the feel of an early ‘00s thriller, or maybe one of those telepathic flicks that came out in the late ‘70s in the wake of Carrie.  (It would make a passable Affleck-starring mind-bender double feature with Paycheck.)  The set-up is strong, but the follow through is a little on the cheesy side.  It doesn’t help that Affleck tries a little too hard and plays things in a deadly serious manner.  (It sometimes feels like he’s still doing his Batman voice.)  He’s not exactly bad, although I have to wonder if the film might’ve worked better if the leading man loosened up and embraced the goofy premise a bit. 

Rodriguez has no problem in the action department as the cat and mouse scenes are handled well enough.  The film is essentially a Fugitive-style thriller with some sci-fi touches sprinkled about. I could’ve also done without some of the Inception-inspired visuals.  By the time the third act rolls around, Rodriguez has tried a little too hard to pull the rug out from under us.  In doing so, he winds up pulling most of the carpeting and a little of the hardwood flooring.  I will say some of this is fun (like when the movie “resets”), and I enjoyed Rodriguez dropping in little nods to his previous work.  Ultimately, Hypnotic is a semi-enjoyable thriller, even if it never quite keeps you in its spell. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VAMPIRE STRANGLER (1999) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

When Misty Mundae was a nubile young starlet, her then-boyfriend William Hellfire convinced her to make this low budget horror porno.  Overall, Vampire Strangler seems like Hellfire’s attempt to one-up a WAVE movie.  Those films were made for audiences with unusual fetishes and often contained bondage and horror elements, but they never featured out and out pornography.  This one features the novelty of Misty giving a couple of hummers.  Whatever criticism you can hurl at the film is pretty much null and void.  If you’re watching this to see a young Misty engage in some deep throat antics, then this will be critic-proof as it’s likely your only chance to see her in XXX action. 

The film begins with Misty taking a bubble bath when she is interrupted by a vampire who strangles her.  However, it was all a dream!  She’s then wakened by a projector that mysteriously appears and plays old stag movies on the wall before the vampire sneaks in and strangles her for real this time.  Miraculously, she survives and decides to leave Transylvania and move to the states with her cousin (Hellfire).  Before long, they’re banging each other, familial relations be damned. 

The plot is thin.  At one point, the characters can’t seem to remember if they’re cousins or siblings.  The inclusion of a witch doctor in the eleventh hour is pretty senseless too.  Not that it matters.  It could’ve honestly been about anything as long as Mundae was giving head. 

As for the sex scenes themselves?  Well, they’re as hot as they need to be.  The camerawork is a step above a homemade porn, but below your average amateur tape.  (It gets pretty erratic in the final scene though.)  The videography and editing leave something to be desired, although we do get plenty of opportunities to clearly see Misty giving sloppy.  And from what I could tell, she’s got some skills.  Oh, and although you don’t see any penetration in her sex scenes with Hellfire, from the looks of things it’s safe to assume they really “did it”.  

Overall, Vampire Strangler isn’t much of a movie.  Then again, it contains three solid blowjob scenes from a beloved Scream Queen, and that’s all it really needs.  I’m sure Misty probably wishes she never starred in this flick, but fans like me will be thankful she did.