LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE FEMALE EXECUTIONER (1986) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

The Female Executioner begins with Brigitte Lahaie naked in a hot tub, and if there’s a better way to start a movie, I’ll be damned if I can think of it. 

Lahaie stars as a tough cop who busts a lady kingpin for the kidnapping of a young girl.  Her crazy son retaliates by kidnapping Brigitte’s sister.  When the sly villainess double crosses Brigitte and kills her sister, Lahaie goes out for revenge. 

The Female Executioner is essentially a French version of an American style action movie with the novelty of a female porn star in the lead role.  Lahaie is essentially Dirty Harriet as she bends the rules to put the bad guys away.  Since it’s Lahaie in the lead, that means she also gets some gratuitous sex scenes.  I’d like to see Clint Eastwood try that.  (On second thought, I’d rather not.)

We all know Brigitte is more than capable in between the sheets, but she’s equally impressive when she hits the streets.  She handles herself quite nicely in her action scenes and is quite convincing when kicking ass.  She even has a cool gimmick of not using guns… that is until her sister is killed.  Then she has no problem blowing away scumbags.  I believe that’s what the highbrow critics call a “character arc”.

It’s not all great, however. The plot gets kinda fractured in the third act and it sometimes feels like the production might’ve run out of time or money (or both).  The music is pretty bad too as it sounds like something you’d hear on the local nightly news.  That in no way should stop you from seeing it, especially if you’re a fan of Brigitte as she is simply dynamite.  It’s almost enough to make you wish she found a second career as an action heroine. 

AKA:  Miss Magnum.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on January 7th, 2010)

Dummmm Dummmm Dummmm DAH DUMMMMM!!!!!!!

 

(Sorry, I had to do that.)

 

2001:  A Space Odyssey is not my favorite Stanley Kubrick movie (that would be The Shining) but from a technical standpoint it’s his masterpiece.  Kubrick combines breathtaking visuals (the Star Gate sequence is still one of the coolest looking things ever put on film), with stunning special effects (incredibly they still hold up forty years after the film’s initial release), an awesome soundtrack (Dummmm Dummmm Dummmm DAH DUMMMMM!!!!!!!), and unnerving sound effects (Dave’s constant heavy breathing in the spacesuit is damned eerie) to create a truly unforgettable movie-going experience.  It’s definitely one of the best films of the 60’s; if not of all time.

 

I probably don’t need to give you a plot crunch of this one but I will anyway.  This giant black monolith (it looks like a big ass Nestle Crunch bar) shows up during the “Dawn of Man” (Dummmm Dummmm Dummmm DAH DUMMMMM!!!!!!!  Okay, that’s probably getting annoying.  I apologize.  I’ll stop that now, I promise.) and turns some scared, leaf eating apes into bone-wielding meat eaters.  Millenniums later, astronauts find another monolith on the moon that points them in the direction of Jupiter.  While on the mission to Jupiter, astronauts Dave Bowman (Keir Dullea) and Frank Poole (Gary Lockwood) have to contend with a homicidal computer named HAL (voiced by Douglas Rain) who flips his lid and tries to kill everybody.  Only Dave survives and he alone enters the monolith where he gets turned into an enormous Space Baby. 

 

This flick is completely devoid of human emotion, which is kinda odd but it completely works.  (Years later, Attack of the Clones would achieve a similar feat.)  Instead of engaging our emotions, Kubrick opts to challenge our grey matter by not clearly spelling everything out, like most space operas do.  It’s this kind of approach that makes the film ideal for multiple viewings.

 

Another thing that makes 2001:  A Space Odyssey so timeless is that it has a little something for everybody.  If you want a highfalutin thought-provoking science fiction movie, you got that.  If you want a pulpy Killer Computer Runs Amok Movie, you got that too.  If you just want to drop acid and trip balls, you can do that as well.  Mostly though, 2001 is pure unadulterated Stanley Kubrick firing on all cylinders.  Amazingly enough; Kubrick’s next film, A Clockwork Orange is even better.  

 

2001:  A Space Odyssey is on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of the Year for 1968 at the Number 2 spot; which puts it right in between The Kiss of Her Flesh and the Number One titleholder, Night of the Living Dead.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Kubrick was a great filmmaker before 2001:  A Space Odyssey, with such films as Paths of Glory, Lolita, and Dr. Strangelove already under his belt.  It was 2001 though that elevated him to legendary status.  56 years later, and it hasn’t aged a day.  In fact, it looks even better now in 4K UHD, which brings me to…

4K UHD NOTES:

Holy hell.  I haven’t seen many films in the format, but it will be tough to top this one.  It’s almost like 2001 was solely designed as a systems test for your 4K TV and Blu-Ray player.  From the vast landscapes of the “Dawn of Man” prologue to the endless stretches of the cosmos, every frame looks simply incredible. 

The colors are terrific too.  From the blackness of space to the eye-popping trippy visuals during the climax, it’s all rather glorious.  Heck, even the mundane Heywood Floyd scenes really pop.  Every detail looks sharp as hell too.

In short, this is a must own.  It’s the next best thing to seeing it in the theater in 70mm.  

MIDORI (1993) **

I’ve been hearing a lot about this anime for a while now.  Even though I’m not really an anime guy, I figured I would check it out, mostly because it’s supposed to be pretty messed up.  And well… it kinda is… but that doesn’t mean it works.  Not by a long shot. 

Midori is a little girl whose mother dies.  Afterwards, she wanders the streets alone when she is abducted by a freakish lot of carnies who subject her to all sorts of torment, degradation, and abuse.  (These guys really know how to put the “freak” in “freak show”, if you know what I mean.)  When a dwarf magician joins the show, he shows Midori kindness, and eventually, they get married.  However, he soon proves to be just as vile as the other sideshow degenerates.

Like I said, I’m not really an anime guy or anything, but I have to say this flick features some of the worst animation I’ve ever seen.  It makes Ralph Bakshi’s shit look like Pixar in comparison.  Imagine if Tod Browning and Roger Watkins made a movie with sub-Speed Racer animation and that might come close to painting the picture.  There is some memorable weirdness and depravity here, like eyeball licking, dog smooshing, and exploding bodies.  I have to say there wasn’t as much craziness as I was expecting, given the film’s reputation. 

Most of the time, the so-called animation is just a collection of still drawings.  When something actually does move, it’s not for very long.  I guess they thought if the subject matter was lurid enough, they could get away with having shoddy animation.  That might’ve sounded good in principle, but I can only imagine how effective this all would’ve been if the animation wasn’t so piss poor.  Or if the ending didn’t completely shit the bed.  Maybe someday someone will make a live-action version of it.  Now THAT would be something.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: INVISIBLE CENTERFOLDS (2015) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A stuffy professor (Frankie Dell) is working on an invisibility potion in his stately mansion.  However, the women he manages to lure back to his abode balk at being human guinea pigs.  That changes when he meets a shy model (Christine Nguyen) who jumps at the chance to be invisible.  She then uses her newfound powers to spy on her backstabbing roommates, who are all in the running to be the latest Miss February.  Problems arise when a shady mobster tries to get his hands on the formula. 

Invisible Centerfolds is your typical late night cable comedy fare from Dean McKendrick.  It’s not great by any means, but it’s anchored by a fun performance by Nguyen, who certainly gives it her all.  The supporting turns by lovely ladies like Krissy Lynn, Scarlett Red, and Misty Stone are all sold too.  

The invisible woman effects would’ve seemed out of date in 1933 when the original Invisible Man was released.  Doors shut by themselves (probably a crew member just off camera) and Nguyen appears and reappears via simple dissolves.  Oh, and there’s a scene where someone turns into a gorilla, which would’ve also looked right at home in a movie from 1933. 

Although McKendrick and company never really take advantage of the invisibility concept (the title is misleading as Nguyen is a model, but she never does get the centerfold job), it remains mildly amusing throughout.  Besides, the real reason you’re probably watching it is for the softcore sex, which is better than average as far as these things go.  Dell and Stone have a decent pairing, and Nguyen has a hot coupling with Dell as well.  Lynn and Red cause sparks to fly in their sultry scene together, and Christine and Scarlet also have a lively romp in the bedroom that culminates with some scintillating scissoring.  While the action isn’t quite steamy enough to push Invisible Centerfolds into the win column, the abundance of skin alone is worthy of a marginal recommendation. 

DUNE PART TWO (2024) ***

I was not a fan of Denis Villeneuve’s first stab at tackling Frank Herbert’s sci-fi epic Dune.  However, about halfway through this sequel, he gives us a scene where a woman of color TEACHES a white guy how to “walk without rhythm”.  I thought to myself, “Boy, now THIS is what I call sci-fi!”

Paul Atreides (Timothee Chalamet) lives and fights among the Fremen, the desert freedom fighters to halt spice production on the planet Arrakis.  Meanwhile, his mother Lady Jessica (Rebecca Ferguson) drinks the “Water of Life” and becomes a Reverend Mother.  Eventually, Paul fulfills his destiny by drinking the water and becoming an all-powerful demigod to topple the evil Baron Harkonnen (Stellan Skarsgard) and avenge the death his father. 

Part Two is better than Part One, mostly because now that the table has been set, the drama can be ratcheted up a bit.  The first one suffered from a slow build up to a non-climax. The sequel also has the benefit of fleshing out the stuff that David Lynch’s version glossed over, so it at the very least doesn’t feel like a retread of the 1984 version, the way Part One did. 

It also helps that there’s more action this time around.  While some of the desert battle scenes tend to feel similar, the worm riding scenes are kind of fun.  The highlights are black and white gladiator sequences which have scope and visual pizazz that was missing from Part One.  

I’ll admit that Chalamet has grown into the role of Paul quite nicely and in turn, he’s grown on me.  He is especially good in his quiet scenes as a future leader wrestling with his destiny.  His scenes with Zendaya are solid too.  Josh Brolin gives the movie a little shot in the arm when he shows up about halfway through.  New cast members like Christopher Walken and Florence Pugh don’t have much to do besides set up a sequel, but it’s nice that they’re around.  Lea Seydoux makes an impression though as a sexy Bene Gesserit, as does Austin Butler, who with his warped bald head, shaved eyebrows, and odd grin looks like a psychotic emoji come to life. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DIRTY BLONDES FROM BEYOND (2012) **

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 1st, 2013)

On the planet Byfrexia, the evil Empress Krell (Christine Nguyen) has made a machine that creates dangerous storms that threaten the planet.  Her ship attacks Princess Farra (Brandin Rackley) and she escapes to Earth with her loyal bodyguard (Jazy Berlin) in tow.  A drunk sees their ship land and reports it to the authorities and two agents investigate.  Meanwhile the alien babes have never seen an Earth man before, and they become intrigued with their “third leg”.

There’s lots of special effects in Dirty Blondes from Beyond (besides the silicone that is).  The CGI space battles are brief, but they are well done on a miniscule budget.  (There’s even a spaceship chase through an asteroid field.)  But although the effects look like a million bucks (okay, half a million), they aren’t enough to save the movie.

When you watch a Fred Olen Ray Skinamax movie, you at least expect to get a few laughs from it.  I’ll admit, I did get a chuckle over the twist ending where we learn the alien ships run on vibrators, but it’s actually funnier seeing the female cast struggling through the jargon-filled exposition dialogue.  But for the most part, Dirty Blondes from Beyond suffers from a been there-done that feeling.  

Although the film is fairly watchable, the lack of quality sex scenes knocks it down a notch.  There’s a decent Rackley-Berlin scene that features some nice scissoring action, as well as a good Erika Jordan-Christine Nguyen coupling, but other than that; the rest of the sex scenes are pretty weak.  (The Guy on Girl scenes are especially disappointing.)  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE VAMPIRE’S SEDUCTION (1998) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Tina Krause stars as the sexy vampire babe “Dracoola”.  She’s thirsty for blood and commands a nerdy descendant of Van Helsing (John Paul Fedele) to supply her with lesbians.  He then runs out and spends most of the movie spying on women showering, watching girls experimenting at a slumber party, catching sexy doctors seducing their patients, and peeping on pizza delivery boys receiving lap dances.  

The Vampire’s Seduction is basically an updating of the old nudie cutie trope of a nerdy guy spying on hot women in the nude.  As such, it works pretty well as the nude scenes are plentiful and fun.  However, it could’ve been even hotter if the irritating “Wally Van Helsing” wasn’t such a boner killer.  His monkey business gets old fast.  That said, the slumber party sequence is a real winner.  It involves everything from spankings to candle wax to Jell-O.  If only someone could make a “Phantom Edit” of this and remove Wally the same way they erased Jar Jar from The Phantom Menace.  Then this would easily be a Four-Star affair.  One can dream.

Directed by John (Erotic Survivor) Bacchus, The Vampire’s Seduction is very uneven.  The comedy crap is downright agonizing sometimes, but if you can make it past that shit, you’ll be treated to some damned fine T & A.  And let’s face it.  That’s the only reason we’re watching it.  

Fans of Tina Krause should be pleased as she looks great while wearing a vampire cape and little else.  Too bad all she gets to do is bark orders at the annoying Wally.  Debbie Rochon also appears as a surly waitress, but she doesn’t have much to do either.  Fortunately, the lesser-known models and actresses are up to the challenge and their constant disrobing and nude shenanigans make the whole thing worthwhile.  

A sequel, Vampire Vixens, followed.