MAHAKAAL (1994) **

Mahakaal is the Bollywood version of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  If you’re reading this review, you’re probably the kind of person who would watch something like this.  It also helps if you have a high tolerance for nonsense, especially if you’re like me and watched a version without subtitles. 

The scenes that are like A Nightmare on Elm Street are easy to follow because they’re rather close copies.  The boiler room sets are adequately reproduced given the budget.  Freddy’s glove also looks like the real McCoy, even if Freddy himself (or whatever they call him in this) just looks like a dude with a messed-up face, mullet, and trench coat.  (Maybe Wes Craven copied this for New Nightmare.)  The music is also fairly close as it just sounds like the original score played in a minor key.  There’s also a fairly spot-on crib of the waterbed death from Part 4.

The plot is essentially the same.  The big difference is that it takes forever for anyone to get killed, and lots of time is spent on inconsequential dance scenes.  (This is a Bollywood movie after all.)  There are also random Kung Fu fights and oddball comedy characters.  One dude is a Peeping Tom hotel clerk with a Charlie Chaplin mustache, but the best character is a Michael Jackson wannabe, who in the film’s funniest scene, struts into the cafeteria dancing to "Thriller"! 

WTF touches like this make it worth watching for Freddy fans and/or aficionados of odd world cinema.  There are even a couple of cool new flourishes, including a scene when Freddy scratches a wall and a bunch of snakes come out, and a strange bit at an aquarium.  However, none of this exactly adds up to a “good” movie.  Nor does it quite live up to its lofty potential.  Like most Bollywood flicks, it’s way too long and has too many dull stretches in between the highlights.  (The long disco number especially bogs things down.)  Still, as A Nightmare on Elm Street remakes go, its miles better than the 2010 version. 

AKA:  The Monster.  AKA:  Time of Death.

PENTHOUSE: 25TH ANNIVERSARY SWIMSUIT VIDEO (1994) *** ½

To celebrate a quarter of a century in the erotic industry, Penthouse released this sexy video. At first, it feels like just a cash-in on the popular Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Videos that were popular at the time.  You may think to yourself, why would Penthouse models even need swimsuits?

Luckily for us, each model spends approximately forty-five seconds in their respective swimsuits before chucking their bikinis aside and rolling around naked and undulating.  As a bonus, whenever the ladies are writhing up and down, there are plenty of shots of their nether regions that are so close they could be used in a gynecological textbook.  You won’t find that in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Video, that’s for sure.

The first big scene is set at a ritzy mansion where four models do a separate dance number before hopping in the pool.  Then, two models wearing lots of Day Glo and denim perform a striptease at the beach.  Then, a chick in a cheetah print bikini disrobes on a matching couch.  This is followed by a cheeky (in both senses of the word) segment set at a military boot camp where the recruits take a bath, apply suntan lotion, and shower.  This segment is hampered by some unnecessary shaky-cam videography, but it doesn’t totally distract from the action.  Next, a bunch of models dressed like hippies take it off in front of a psychedelic background.  This is a fun scene since many models wear bikinis that are the same color as the green screen, so when they disrobe, it’s like their boobs are coming out of the background.  Then, models pose with a bodybuilder at the beach.  This segment is nearly ruined by the awful music that sounds like a German B-52’s cover band.  Afterwards, models strip on the rocks, which is followed by a hot sequence where a model is felt up by disembodied hands by the pool.  It all ends with the models reuniting to frolic in the surf. 

Many of the models are well-known faces.  There are exploitation stars like Julie K. Smith (who is in many scenes) and Samatha Phillips and porn luminaries such as Nikki Tyler and Julia Ann.  Even the models who I didn’t recognize are quite hot too.  While not all the sequences click, there are certainly plenty of steamy moments and plenty of skin to live up to the Penthouse name.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE KILLER INSIDE ME (2010) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 13th, 2016)

Lou Ford (Casey Affleck) is a congenial Deputy Sheriff in a small Texas town who is well-liked by just about anyone. He gets an assignment to run a prostitute named Joyce (Jessica Alba) out of town, but instead forces himself on her. Since she likes it rough, she lets him beat her and stuff and they wind up falling in love. When Lou sees an angle to get revenge on the man who killed his brother, he resorts to coldblooded murder, deception, and a gross abuse of police power to achieve his goals.

The Killer Inside Me is the second filmed version of Jim Thompson’s novel of the same name (Burt Kennedy helmed the original back in 1976). At first, Michael (Jude) Winterbottom seems like an odd choice for a southern fried pulp thriller, but he equips himself nicely and finds his rhythm early on. Like After Dark, My Sweet, many horrible things happen in broad daylight, so his flat camera-as-an-observer style suits the material.

Some may be disappointed that his is more of a character study than out and out thriller. It shows us the depths a disturbed man will go to once he’s set his mind on a course of action. There are plot twists and complications along the way to be sure, but this is more of an examination of a warped mind, and a pretty good one. Winterbottom’s pacing is a little drawn out in spots though. With some tighter editing, the third act could’ve really crackled.

Another stumbling block is Affleck’s performance. He’s not bad or anything, he’s just a bit miscast as Lou Ford. If you’ve read the book you’ll know that he was a larger than life character. Even though he did repugnant things, you still sort of liked him and felt like a co-conspirator when he began on his warped quest for vengeance. Here, Affleck’s “aw, shucks” demeanor is just a tad small. I know what he’s trying to do. He wants you to think that he’s gentle and unassuming so that it’s shocking when he finally goes into full-on killer mode. (He actually excels during the scenes where he is killing people and covering up his actions.) That works to a certain extent; it’s just off the mark.

I read on IMDB that the original choice to play Ford was Tom Cruise and that would’ve been note perfect. You really needed a movie star to play this part. You needed someone as American as apple pie to make the transformation work. Affleck is a great actor and he does a fine job all things considered, but there’s a big difference between “Oh, that nice young man is actually a killer” and “Oh my God, why is one of our most beloved icons doing those terrible things?”

Maybe that’s just because I read the book and had a preconceived notion of how Lou Ford should be. If you haven’t read the book, you might find Affleck’s character arc to be as shocking as intended. For me, a fan of the book (considered by many to be Thompson’s best), it comes as a near-miss. It’s not enough to derail the movie or anything, not by a long shot.

The supporting cast is excellent. Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson both do a good job at playing the yin and yang of Ford’s female affections. Ned Beatty is one of his best performances in years as the rich old man who secretly runs the town. Elias Koteas (in his second Thompson adaptation after Hit Me) does a fine job at stirring the pot as a labor leader who has his suspicions about Ford and Simon (Land of the Dead) Baker makes for another good antagonist as a city lawyer who doesn’t hold to small town ideals. Bill Pullman is also fun to watch in an extended cameo as Ford’s blowhard lawyer.

TOOMORROW (1970) * ½

Aliens are in desperate need of some groovy tunes.  They come to the conclusion that the only sounds they enjoy emanates from Earth, so they decide to abduct a goofy, kitschy college band called Toomorrow.  Naturally, the band’s kidnapping causes problems with their personal lives, and they have to go back to Earth to smooth things over with their respective dates.  Afterwards, they must hurry back to the concert in order to save the galaxy with their music. 

Man, if you thought Xanadu was fucking weird you should check out this flick.  Produced by the unlikely duo of Harry (the James Bond pictures) Saltzman and Don (Rock Concert) Kirschner and directed by Val (The Creeping Unknown) Guest, Toomorrow is a real WTF head scratcher.  Olivia Newton-John made it an entire decade earlier, and it shares some of that Grade Z classic’s DNA.  Instead of goddesses roller-skating to disco music, we have aliens flipping their lids for hippie dippy music. 

Because of the upbeat but terrible songs, most of Toomorrow feels like a live-action version of a sixth-rate Scooby-Doo rip-off, minus the talking dog of course.  While the music is bad, I will say that some of ONJ’s harmonies are decent.  Most viewers will be disappointed that she’s just a member of the quartet and shares singing duties with three thoroughly unmemorable dudes.  However, she’s far and away the best thing about the movie (except for maybe some of the cheesy alien shit), which is saying something, since her talents largely go untapped. 

Some of the alien effects and make-up are OK.  For the most part though, it’s a fucking mess.  It’s not quite good enough to work as a legitimate movie, nor is it cheesy enough to pass as camp.  Still, I did like the part where the female alien went to see a bunch of skin flicks to learn about human sexuality.  Other than that, you’ll probably forget Toomorrow by toomorrow… err… tomorrow. 

AKA:  Together.

BIG BOOBS BUSTER (1990) ***

A teenage schoolgirl is humiliated by the fact that her boobs aren’t as big as her classmates.  Slighted, she stalks the night as an evil super villainess who ties up big breasted women and takes molds of their chests. 

I’m a big fan of softcore Japanese nonsense.  Big Boobs Buster certainly delivers in that department.  This will never be mistaken for a masterpiece, but there are undoubtedly some masterful moments here. I love it when a movie shows me something I’ve never seen before.  The scenes of schoolgirls being accosted and having molds taken of their busts checked that box in the definite affirmative. 

I also enjoyed the fact that the titular titaness was a villainess.  I think it may have been tempting to make a character named Big Boobs Buster into a heroine.  I’m glad the filmmakers went the other way with it, if only for variety’s sake.

Okay, so.  This is the part of the review where I reveal to you that the version I saw didn’t have subtitles.  However, when you watch a movie called Big Boobs Buster without subtitles you only have to ask yourself two questions:  1) Does a movie called Big Boobs Buster actually need subtitles? and 2) If a movie called Big Boobs Buster has a plot that so complicated that it requires subtitles, is it really worth watching?

I will say the lack of an actual climax hurt the film.  (Although I’m pretty sure the dangling plot threads will be resolved in Big Boobs Buster 2.)  Besides, it’s less than an hour long and moves along at a zippy rate.  So, even if you do find some of the plot turns a bit daffy (again, this is the sort of thing that may or may not have been solved with the addition of subtitles), don’t worry because the flick will be onto the next wacky fight scene in no time flat (no pun intended). 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SINFUL INTRIGUE (1995) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Sinful Intrigue features a bare minimum of plot and a bare minimum of clothes.  If you can’t already tell, I pretty much loved it.

Steph (Becky Mullen) is married to a no-good lout named Adam (Bobby Johnston) who likes rough sex and kinky rape-play bondage scenarios.  He starts cheating on her with the sexy Cindy (Griffin Drew), who is more than willing to cater to his deviant needs.  Meanwhile, Steph’s friends start being attacked in the same way Adam makes love to her.  Is he the real culprit, or is there a copycat at work?

The virtual lack of plot is one of the film’s key assets.  The dialogue scenes are only there to get you from one sex scene to the other, which leads to some pretty funny moments.  I liked the part where a rich eccentric client (Pia Reyes) took her interior designer on a walk through her house and they wind up face to face with a lesbian orgy.  This scene was like a mash-up of HGTV and Skinamax!  

In all my years reviewing Skinamax movies, I have to say that Sinful Intrigue features some of the most frequent sex scenes I’ve ever seen in a late-night cable skin flick.  Sadly, as things wears on, the sex scenes become less frequent as the plot starts to become more relevant.  By “less frequent” I mean they happen every six minutes instead of every four.  Another debit is that Lorissa (Lapdancing) McComas doesn’t get nearly enough screen time.  That’s forgivable I guess since Drew and Mullen both are naked a lot.  

One of the best aspects of Sinful Intrigue is its great dialogue.  I got a good chuckle from the scene where Johnston told Mullen, “Your mouth says no, but your nipples say go!”

Mullen gets the best line however, when she says, “Nobody's marriage is perfect.  Well, except maybe Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s!”

LOVE LIES BLEEDING (2024) **

Kristen Stewart stars as Lou, a lesbian who works behind the register at a skeevy gym.  When she sees musclebound Jackie (Katy O’Brien) working out, it’s love at first sight.  Only thing standing in the way of their happiness is the fact that Jackie got all roided up and killed Lou’s asshole brother in-law (Dave Franco).  Naturally, it doesn’t take long before even more bodies start mounting up. 

Love Lies Bleeding is a wannabe neo-noir that never quite comes together.  The gymnasium setting is novel and the sequence where O’Brien hightails it to Vegas to enroll in a bodybuilding competition when she should be lying low from the cops is kind of fun.  However, the plot is often messy, and the various complications seem more arbitrary than anything. 

Maybe my expectations were to blame.  They don’t make too many LGBT neo-noirs nowadays and I guess I got my hopes up thinking this was gonna be the next Bound or something.  Instead, what we got is a frustrating experience.  The film is strangely inert and uninvolving, and when it does try to color outside the lines the results are unintentionally laughable.  I’m thinking specifically of the end scene where (SPOILERS obviously) Katy hulks out and turns into the 50 Foot Woman to protect K-Stew from her evil dad (Ed Harris).  Yes, I know it’s all a steroid-induced dream, but it serves as more of a question mark at the end of the film rather than an exclamation point. 

Sadly, there are very little sparks between the two lead actresses.  They engage in some brief lovemaking, but it’s nothing overly graphic or titillating.  Stewart could do this sort of thing in her sleep by now and she looks halfway tempted to hit the snooze button.  O’Brien does prove to have a unique screen presence about her though.  If anything, the film should act as a serviceable calling card for her for the next few years or so.