THE NAKED MONSTER (2005) **

The Naked Monster is a loving tribute to ‘50s monster movies made by fans for fans.  In the ‘50s, monsters attacked the world.  For years after, they have been silent.  Now, a new threat, a three-eyed green monster rises out of the sea to attack California.  A small-town sheriff and a government agent recruit the old timer Army captain (Kenneth Tobey) that fought the monsters back in the golden era to help bring down the beast. 

The Naked Monster uses a lot of stock footage from many B-movie favorites like The Thing from Another World, Revenge of the Creature, and The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms.  Even better, the stars of those old films like Tobey, John Agar, and Lori Nelson return playing essentially the same characters (slightly tweaked of course, to avoid a lawsuit).  Their efforts aren’t quite enough to make it worthwhile, but it’s nice to see them all again.

Production began way back in 1988, but it wasn’t finished until sixteen years later.  Because of that, it feels more than a little patchy.  Most of the time, it plays like someone’s home movie.  Since it was made by Ted Newsom, he was able to coax Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, and Forrest J. Ackerman to be in it.  Some of their footage was shot silently, and Newsom employs a great cost-cutting technique for one scene with Quigley where she and her boyfriend use sign language.  That’s one way to avoid paying for dubbing. 

Much of the intentional humor is unfunny and plays like a poor man’s version of a Zucker-Abrahms-Zucker parody.  Sadly, a little of this goes a long way.  It’s fun for a half-hour or so, but the charm wears off soon after.  It might’ve been bearable if the running time was only an hour.  However, at eighty-eight minutes, it’s sometimes a chore to sit through, mostly because it shoots its wad so early. 

At least its heart is in the right place.  Even though it never quite works, there are still fun moments like seeing Paul Marco from Plan 9 from Outer Space playing Kelton the cop again.  Stevens and Quigley have nude scenes too, which helps, and the scene where the monster fights Godzilla is pretty funny. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SORORITY SLAUGHTER (1994) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 1st, 2023)

Hugo (Sal Longo) is a creepy schlub who says, “Be it zombie or vampire, the eternal urge to live forever is the dream of mankind!”  He then goes out and strangles a jogger (Dean Demko) and hacks her up.  Hugo just so happens to live next door to a bunch of sorority girls who are spending their spring break at home.  When a prank goes wrong, the girls think they’ve accidentally killed Hugo.  Little do the sorority sisters know, he’s an immortal killer who likes sacrificing women on his altar.  

Sorority Slaughter is kinda like the South Jersey version of House on Sorority Row.  Despite the low budget trappings inherent in a W.A.V.E. Production, directors Gary Whitson and Sal Longo still find ways to wring genuine suspense and even a surprise or two.  I liked the opening scene where a victim is watching a W.A.V.E. movie on TV while the killer lurks in the background.  Then, we hear a scream, and the audience thinks she’s just become a victim, but it’s really coming from the TV.  THEN the killer strikes.  Sure, it’s not John Carpenter or anything, but it’s kinda effective for a low budget, shot-on-video horror flick.  Whitson and Longo also give us a great toilet POV shot when Tina Krause blows chunks.  

Moments like that work.  Eventually, Sorority Slaughter reveals its true purpose:  Long scenes of sorority girls horseplaying in the pool, extended water fights that erupt while washing a car (complete with Keystone Kops music), and scenes of sorority girls getting slaughtered (natch).  W.A.V.E. movies are essentially bondage fetish videos parading as horror films, so it’s always amusing once they start showing their skeevier side.  They’re almost like an AI version of a snuff film.  Some of these scenes go on forever, and sometimes, you start to question what you’re watching.  However, is it really a W.A.V.E. movie if you haven’t asked yourself, “Okay, what am I watching?”

Despite the gnarly and grungy aspects of the film, it’s strangely chaste.  Nudity in the shower scenes is either strategically out of frame or obscured by the opaque shower curtain.  When the guys score with the sorority sisters, they either leave their underwear on or seem unable to get past second base.  In fact, there’s no nudity here, unless you count butt shots and wet T-shirts.  The kill scenes are kind of repetitive too, although I guess if you have a fetish for seeing women faint, being carried off like Julie Adams in The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and then having her guts pulled out, you’d be inclined to give it Four Stars no matter what.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SUSPIRIA (1977) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 19th, 2007)

Jessica (Shock Treatment) Harper stars as Suzy Bannion, a young girl attending a mysterious dance school that’s ran by an old woman whose snoring frightens everybody. (Who knew sleep apnea could be so terrifying?) The teachers drug Suzy with tainted wine to keep her from snooping around, but after her friends start dropping like flies, Suzy dumps the wine and searches for the truth. In the end she learns that the school is ran by a coven of witches led by “The Black Queen” and sticks a needle through the old bag’s throat.

Suspiria is Dario Argento’s masterpiece. Although flawed and slow in some spots; the sequences of terror-inducing tension are undeniably some of the best ever captured on film. The first murder has to be the Italian equivalent to the shower scene in Psycho. A young girl gets repeatedly stabbed (once directly into the heart) and falls through a stained-glass window where she is hung up by the neck. Her unfortunate friend also feels the brunt of the glass when it comes crashing down onto her. Next a blind piano player gets his throat savagely ripped out by his seeing-eye dog. And finally, there’s an incredible death where a girl falls into a room full of razor wire.

Argento bathes the film in rich primary colors and his gorgeous compositions compliments the escalating suspense. This is Argento at his best and any horror fan worth his salt should own a copy and watch it again and again. This was the first in Argento’s “Three Mothers” trilogy, with the next film being Inferno.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Nobody does it like Dario Argento.  End of story.  Part blood-soaked fairy tale, part waking nightmare, this is about as good as it gets when we are talking Italian horror, folks. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Suspiria is Dario Argento’s most beautiful cinematic nightmare, and it looks even more nightmarish in stunning 4K.  Synapse did a marvelous job as the color palette, which was already so lush to begin with, really pops.  From the opening taxi ride to the big murder set piece that kicks off the film to the deep reds in the makeshift dorm scene to the horror of the razor wire room to the final confrontation with the Black Queen, this presentation really is a thing of beauty.  The pulsating Goblin soundtrack slaps even harder now too.  In short, this is a must-own for your 4K collection. 

13 STEPS OF MAKI: THE YOUNG ARISTOCRATS (1975) ***

Remember the old days when villains would tie damsels in distress to the railroad tracks?  Those guys always tied the women to the tracks lengthwise.  The lethal ladies of 13 Steps of Maki:  The Young Aristocrats tie women to the railroad tracks right down the middle of the tracks, SPREAD EAGLE no less!  Now that’s what I call cinematic innovation! 

Also, instead of some bland dude in a white hat saving the day, it’s a bad ass Kung Fu chick with a “13” on her T-shirt named Maki (Etsuko Shihomi from Sister Street Fighter).  When she kicks ass, look out!  She even does a Three Stooges-inspired eye poke that blinds her opponent.  Brilliant! 

Maki is the leader of the tough all-girl gang, The Wildcats.  When a rich bitch insults them, they get back at her by forcibly giving her a tattoo.  She then retaliates by having them sent to jail.  When an unscrupulous gangster has his men cripple her boyfriend, she reluctantly turns to Maki for help. 

Part Juvenile Delinquent movie, part Women in Prison picture, part Kung Fu flick, 13 Steps of Maki:  The Young Aristocrats has a little something for everybody.  Because of the constant genre hopping, the pacing does become a bit herky-jerky at times, even if the running time is a relatively scant seventy-eight minutes.  There’s also maybe too many side characters and subplots.  However, it’s hard to complain, especially when Shihomi’s Sister Streetfighter co-star Sonny Chiba shows up late in the game for an extended cameo. 

The fun fight sequences take place at a strip club (on stage no less!), in a drained swimming pool, in prison, in the snow, and at a wedding!  In addition to women being tied to railroad tracks, there’s also a great scene where they are tied nude to a merry go-round.  The gore is solid too as eyeballs, ears, and teeth are knocked out during the brutal fights.  All in all, it’s a real winner. 

AKA:  Young Nobility:  Maki’s 13 Steps.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GATOR BAIT 2: CAJUN JUSTICE (1988) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Gator Bait must have been a huge hit on video.  That is the only explanation why it took Ferd and Beverly Sebastian fourteen years to make a sequel.  It’s not a patch on that iconic ‘70s drive-in classic, but it remains a solid rape and revenge picture. 

Big T. (Trey Loren), the brother of Claudia Jennings’ character from the first movie, is all grown up.  He marries a nice city girl named Angelique (Jan Mackenzie) and teaches her all his family’s Cajun customs.   Most importantly, he shows her how to hunt and navigate in the swamp.  Leroy (Paul Muzzcat), the surviving member of the feuding family from the original, still has a grudge with Big T., so he gets a bunch of his pals together to kidnap and rape his new bride.  When he comes home early, the marauders shoot Big T. and leave him for dead.  Eventually, Angelique escapes and exacts revenge on her tormentors. 

This sequel is more in the vein of I Spit in Your Grave than Gator Bait.  (There’s even a rapist who’s mentally handicapped.)  The Sebastians were smart not to recast the role of Desiree because no one could’ve filled Jennings’ immortal Daisy Dukes.  (It would’ve also been hard to imagine a tough cookie like Jennings playing a victim.)  Former GLOW girl Mackenzie isn’t half bad and has a few nude scenes.  She is also convincing during her action scenes and looks good while doling out Cajun justice via snake, shotgun, and swamp boat. 

If there is a problem with all this, it’s that it’s overlong (ninety-nine minutes) and the set-up is a little clunky.  Thankfully, the third act delivers some solid exploitation goodness.  It’s almost a shame the Sebastians didn’t make a trilogy out of the series.  Instead, they opted to say see ‘ya later gator to the franchise after this entry. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GATOR BAIT (1974) ****

FORMAT:  DVD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

Ferd and Beverly Sebastian’s knockout drive-in hit about a Cajun hottie named Desiree (the late great Claudia Jennings) who’s out for revenge still packs a punch after all these years. When Desiree gets pinched by the inept deputy for poaching gators in the Bayou, she escapes and causes the inadvertent death of some poor cracker. The deputy (the real murderer) frames her and the sheriff calls together the grieving backwoods family for some good old-fashioned southern justice. But they cross the line when they shove a shotgun up Desiree’s sister’s twat and pull the trigger and then she gets REAL mad and begins picking off the rednecks one by one, dispensing her own brand of Cajun justice. 

Basically, it’s First Blood in the Bayou, but with the ultra-hot Jennings in Daisy Dukes and her bosom hanging out her shirt, which means there’s not a thing wrong with it. Jennings went on to such classics as Sisters of Death, Deathsport and Fast Company before dying an unfortunate and untimely death. Luckily for exploitation movie fans, her legacy lives on in this classic. 

The Sebastians waited 14 years before churning out a sequel, Gator Bait 2: Cajun Justice. 

P.O.W. THE ESCAPE (1986) *** ½

David Carradine stars as a colonel in Vietnam assigned to storm a P.O.W. camp and rescue the prisoners.  The wily head of the camp (Mako) sets a trap for him, and Carradine winds up interred there too.  With the war coming to a close, Mako wants to take off with a bunch of gold and he needs Carradine and his men to cross enemy lines.  Naturally, Carradine and the other prisoners eventually escape into the jungle with Mako closing in behind them. 

P.O.W. The Escape is one of the better Namsploitation movies of the era.  It’s chockfull of action, exploding bamboo huts, shootouts, Jeep chases, great stunts, and bridges being blown up.  The plot moves with fierce efficiency and there are more twists than you might expect from a typical genre offering. 

The big reason the flick works as well as it does is because of David Carradine.  This is one of his all-time best performances and he delivers his lines with great intensity.  The opening scene where he receives his orders is particularly great as his “everybody comes home” speech coupled with his charismatic swagger instantly endears him to the audience.  I also liked that he wasn’t quite a one-man army like Rambo and still relies on his men to secure their objectives.  That of course doesn’t stop him from literally wrapping himself in the American flag while mowing down dozens of VC soldiers during the finale. 

Mako makes for a formidable foe.  He gives the villain a steely persistence and cold cruelty that makes him an ideal foil for Carradine’s stoic hero.  American Ninja’s Steve James also has some fine moments as one of Carradine’s fellow prisoners who acts as his de facto second in command. 

Overall, this is one of the best mid-budget Cannon films of the ‘80s.  War movie buffs, Carradine fans, and Cannon aficionados will be completely satisfied by this one.  In short, P.O.W. is A.O.K. by me. 

AKA:  Behind Enemy Lines.  AKA:  Attack Force ‘Nam.