LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MERMAIDS OF SAND, SEA, AND SURF (1994) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Mermaid Movies were a low budget version of Playboy Video Centerfolds.  They featured sexy topless women posing in picturesque exotic locales and… well… that’s about it.  They might not have had the same kind of money Hugh Hefner and his team were working with, but they had enough of it to convince the models to take their tops off, and at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters now, doesn’t it?

The first segment is called “Spanish Maiden” (***) and it features Belinda, a buxom brunette beauty posing topless on and around a beachfront pier.  This sequence is solid for the most part.  It’s just the heavily purple-tinted portion detracts from the scenery.  And by “scenery”, I mean the “topless Spanish maiden”. 

In “Enchantress” (** ½), a blonde named Lisa takes it all off and writhes around inside a small tropical treehouse.  This would’ve been just dandy had it not been for the annoying narrator performing some sort of half-assed nursery rhyme over the action. 

Next is “Artistic Charm” (** ½).  Ingrid, another sexy brunette, shows off on the pier before lounging topless in a hammock.  This too suffers from pointless nursery rhyme shit, but thankfully the narrator limits his lyrics to only a few verses. 

“Sensuous Castaways” (***) follows.  Lisa and her friend Kelley hang out on top of old boat wrecks on a desert island.  This scene is nice because it has two gals to look at, both of whom look great against the boat backdrops.  The fact that Lisa is the one doing the nursery rhyme narration helps too. 

Kelley is the star of the next sequence appropriately titled “Kelley” (** ½) where she does a tasteful series of poses on the beach.  “Lori” (** ½) follows her, posing topless on a small wooden bridge, in a little creek, and along the shoreline. 

“Tropical Heat Wave” (** ½) features two models writhing around in the sand and surf before cooling off in a pool.  This one has too much cutting back and forth to be effective, but at least the narration is decent this time.  “No men allowed! This is a woman’s world!”

The final segment is “Surf’s Up” (** ½) where models pose (where else?) on the beach.  This feels like outtakes from another Mermaids videos, but it’s hard to tell.  The models look hot, which is all that really matters. 

This isn’t too bad overall.  The biggest problem is the unnecessary narrator who talks over the scenes of the models posing.  Even worse is when he shills for other Mermaid releases in between the nude scenes.  His nursery rhyme shtick is grating too.  That’s probably the only real drawback though.  So, if you decide to watch this on mute and supply your own soundtrack, add a Half-Star to the rating. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CHEEZY ADVENTURE TRAILERS (2007) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Everywhere you look, from the DVD case to the Amazon listing to the DVD menu calls this “Cheezy Action Trailers”, but the actual onscreen title is Cheezy Adventure Trailers.  I have to say, that title makes a lot more sense once you see what movies are actually featured.  When I think of “action”, I think of Enter the Dragon, Die Hard, and Lethal Weapon.  Shit like that.  Cheezy Action… excuse me… Adventure Trailers contains previews for films such as Mogambo, King Solomon’s Mines, and Hatari!  These kinds of flicks would most undoubtedly fall under the heading of “adventure” and not necessarily be regarded as “action”. 

Why the switcheroo with the title?  Who knows.  This is Cheezy Flicks we’re talking about here.  This is the same company that puts out trailer compilations that feature the same trailers within the same collection.  And in true Cheezy fashion, many of the trailers are in rough shape.  The majority of the trailers are faded and worn, and the prints for Morgan the Pirate, Sandakan the Great, and Jungle Gold are extremely jumpy. 

There are some fun bits to be sure.  The Journey to the Lost City trailer features a gold statue with humongous boobs.  There’s a couple of trailers with an exploitation edge like Naked Africa, Man from Deep River, and Nature Girl and the Slaver, but not too many.  Trailers like these make it worth sitting through, but unless you’re a die-hard trailer compilation connoisseur like me, this one will be easy to skip over. 

I can say it delivers on the Cheezy Adventure Trailers.  I can’t fault it for that.  If you like jungle pictures and Tarzan movies, this will fit the bill.  (“Jungle Movie Trailers” would’ve been an even better title now that I think of it.)  However, if you go into this expecting some Cheezy action trailers, you are bound to be disappointed.  Luckily, it’s less than an hour long, so it all goes down pretty smooth, all things considered.  Just know what you’re getting yourself into beforehand and be wary of the bait and switch title, and you should be okay. 

The full trailer list includes:  Morgan the Pirate, Journey to the Lost City, Sandakan the Great, Sword of Sherwood Forest, Safari Drums, Jungle Flight, Hell on Devil’s Island, Mogambo, Tropic Zone, King Solomon’s Mines, Tarzan’s Fight for Life, Jungle Heat, Jungle Gold, Naked Africa, Man from Deep River, She Gods of Shark Reef, Tarzan and the Great River, Tarzan’s Greatest Adventure, Virgin Sacrifice, Watusi, Walk into Hell, Nature Girl and the Slaver, Manhunt in the African Jungles, Jungle Attack, Perils of Nyoka, Hatari!, Two Sane Nuts, Tarzan Goes to India, Zulu, and The Brigand of Kandahar. 

AKA: Cheezy Action.  AKA:  Cheezy Action Trailers. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ONLY THE GOOD PARTS VOLUME 2 (2022) ****

FORMAT:  DVD

The second installment of trailer goodness tops its predecessor in nearly every department.  It’s a fantastic medley of (mostly) horror trailers but with enough pinches of sexploitation and oddball titles to keep things interesting.  It’s without a doubt one of the best trailer compilations I’ve seen in a while. 

What I loved about this collection is that many of the trailers were grouped according to loosely related themes.  Things kick off with trailers for films about sexy vampire seductresses like Vampyres, The Vampire Lovers, and Lust for a Vampire.  (“Welcome to the finishing school where they really do finish you!”)  From there, we pivot to mad scientist movies (Blackenstein, The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant, and Night of the Bloody Apes), horror flicks about nerds getting revenge on bullies (Horror High and Evilspeak), flicks about hairy monsters (Uninvited, The Werewolf and the Yeti, and Night of the Demon), and some good old-fashioned ‘80s horror (The Slayer, One Dark Night, and Mutant). 

There are some great taglines along the way.  A few of my favorites were for In Search of Dracula (“Yes Virginia, there really was a Dracula!”), House by the Cemetery (“You’ll have to mortgage your LIFE!”), and Bloodsucking Freaks (“The show that will make anyone retch!").  The best part is the awesome run of trailers for movies with the word “Don’t” in the title, including Don’t Look in the Basement, Don’t Open the Door, Don’t Open the Window, Don’t Go in the House, Don’t Answer the Phone, and Don’t Look Now. 

Even though it was only seventy-one minutes, I kind of wish it was longer.  Then again, so many of these things overstay their welcome.  I guess you have to tip your hat to the trailer compilations that know how to quit while they’re ahead.  In short, Only the Good Parts Volume 2 leaves you wanting more, but in the best way possible. 

Here’s the complete trailer rundown:  Vampyres, The Vampire Lovers, Lust for a Vampire, In Search of Dracula, Dracula vs. Frankenstein,  Blackenstein, The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant, Night of the Bloody Apes, a scene from Gorilla Woman, Horror High, Evilspeak, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Uninvited, The Werewolf and the Yeti, Night of the Demon, Entrails of a Beautiful Woman, The Loreley’s Grasp, The Unseen, The Slayer, One Dark Night, Mutant, Zombie 4:  After Death, Don’t Look in the Basement, Don’t Open the Door, Don’t Open the Window, Don’t Go in the House, Don’t Answer the Phone, Don’t Look Now, Burnt Offerings, House by the Cemetery, The House of Missing Girls, The House That Vanished, The Raw Ones, Bloodsucking Freaks, and The Late Great Planet Earth. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DRIVE-IN MADNESS! (1987) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

James Karen hosts this fun and entertaining look at drive-in, horror, and exploitation films.  It plays like a mash-up of a trailer compilation and a documentary/celebration of B-movies.  Along the way such horror titans as George Romero, Tom Savini, and Linnea Quigley show up and give their insights on the pictures as well as a little background information on themselves. 

Russell Streiner and John Russo (who also co-produced) talk about the genesis of Night of the Living Dead and Bobbie Bresee narrates behind the scenes footage of her in the make-up chair for Evil Spawn. Most of the trailers come from Independent-International or Empire Pictures.  Independent-International’s head honcho, Sam Sherman is also on hand to tell us how the company got started and how they distributed and advertised films like Satan’s Sadists (“A rebellion of human garbage!”), Dracula vs. Frankenstein, and The Naughty Stewardesses.  Famous Monsters of Filmland creator Forrest J. Ackerman is also around to introduce his death scene from Dracula vs. Frankenstein and gives a funny tidbit about the shooting of the film.  I wish he was able to give us a tour of his “Ackermansion” while he was at it. 

For the most part, Drive-In Madness! is a bit of a hodgepodge, but a rather entertaining one.  Since the trailers come from only a handful of sources, there isn’t much in the way of variety (if you’re overly familiar with the companies’ output, that is).  They are nevertheless quite enjoyable.  The interview segments are informative too.  In fact, you’ll probably wish they were longer (especially the stuff with Romero and Savini).  I could’ve done without the bits with the couple in a classic car making out at the drive-in while watching clips though.  Other than that, this is a breezy little clip package/trailer comp that should appeal to B-movie fans young and old. 

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Nurse Sherri, Girls for Rent, The Blood-O-Rama Shock Festival (Blood Fiend, Brides of Blood, Blood Creature, and The Blood Drinkers), From Beyond, Horror of the Blood monsters, Night of the Living Dead, a double feature of The Human Duplicators and Mutiny in Outer Space, Troll, Blazing Stewardesses, Dead Time Stories, Ghoulies, Blood of Ghastly Horror, Satan’s Sadists, Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Macabro, Frankenstein’s Bloody Terror, The Twilight People, Don’t Open the Window, The Naughty Stewardesses, Vampyres, Psychos in Love, The Booby Hatch,  Midnight, a double feature of Dracula, Prince of Darkness and The Plague of the Zombies, a double feature of Queen of Blood and Blood Bath, Bloodeaters, The Green Slime, and House of Psychotic Women. 

AKA:  Screen Scaries.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BATTLE OF THE BOMBS (1985) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Johnny Legend curated this clip package tape of some of the worst movies of all time for Rhino Home Video.  It was made at a time when stuff like The Golden Turkey Awards were still kinda popular.  If your local video store didn’t stock a big selection of B movies and “So Bad They’re Good films, and cult classics, then this tape would have been a decent sampler. 

First is a couple of scenes from the first (and to my knowledge only) all-midget western musical, The Terror of Tiny Town.  Next, we’re treated to a condensed version of Chained for Life, the true story of the conjoined twins the Hilton sisters.  Prehistoric Women features cave gals wrassling over the love of a man and fighting off pterodactyls and giants.  Then, it’s an excerpt from an industrial short called Dating:  Do’s and Don’ts followed by a burlesque short called Lupe Mexican Can-Can.  After that, its highlights from the Ed Wood-penned The Violent Years (culled mostly from the trailer).  That’s followed by a greeting from Santa Claus and the trailer for Married Too Young. (“Sex-Conscious Young Moderns!”), a short called “Diana the Huntress”, and a concession stand ad.  Then, prepare yourself for a double dose of Arch Hall Jr. with clips from Eegah! and Wild Guitar.  Afterwards we’re treated to some scenes from Scum of the Earth (including the iconic monologue that was later immortalized when it was featured in the intro for Something Weird Video).  Next is a short called “A Day with Doodles” starring Doodles Weaver.  Scenes from The Creeping Terror, House of Mutant Women (AKA:  Scream, Baby, Scream), and the immortal Orgy of the Dead round out the tape. 

The clips of the movies are fine.  The ones that work best are the sequences that play like condensed versions of the feature rather than random snippets.  It doesn’t help that the filler material is hit-and-miss.  I liked all the stuff with the dancing girls, but the comedy short with Doodles Weaver was the pits. 

It might’ve been better had there been more of a theme from film to film other than “They’re Bad Movies”.  Some of the editing is kind of halfhearted too.  Still, as a cheesy movie sampler and/or mixtape, it’s moderately entertaining. 

FEMALE WEREWOLF (2015) **

One of the biggest laughs I’ve had lately came approximately one minute into watching Female Werewolf.  The film begins with a long shot of a woman’s face, and I asked myself, “What is this, a Chris Alexander movie?”  When all of a sudden…  BAM!  The title, “A Chris Alexander Film” appeared on screen.  Am I good, or am I good?

You know, it’s been a while since I’ve watched one of Alexander’s uniquely weird, pointlessly arty flicks.  As far as his films go, I can’t say Female Werewolf is one of his best efforts.  However, it may go down smoother if you know what you’re getting yourself into beforehand. 

For example, three minutes into the film, and there’s a long shot of water dripping from a faucet followed by a long shot of a naked chick curled up in the fetal position.  Then, we get a red-tinted slow-motion scene of two chicks making out when… OOPS!  It was all a dream!  It’s that kind of movie.

Anyway, a lonely office worker goes about her mundane existence as she secretly yearns to be with her sexy coworker.  Eventually, she gets up the nerve to invite her to her house and watch TV (it’s broken) before she bites her on the neck and kills her.  Later, she picks up another unwitting victim. 

You’re either the kind of person that digs Alexander’s aesthetic or you aren’t.  I admit that some of his stuff is a little much for me, but when he manages to hit the sweet spot between arty oddity and lowbrow horror, his films work.  Unfortunately for Female Werewolf, the actresses remain clothed during the lesbian sex and dream scenes, which puts a damper on the fun.  Also, I know it’s purposefully slow moving, but there were times I thought my Roku froze up on me because no one was moving and/or nothing was happening.  Alexander’s overuse of super slow motion has a tendency to try your patience too.

You also have to wait a long time before you actually see the werewolf.  Most will be disappointed.  However, I did like the fact that Alexander tried to replicate a Company of Wolves-style werewolf transformation scene with next to no money. 

Even though this is only sixty-five minutes long, it feels twice that length.  Honestly, it could’ve stood to have been a good twenty minutes shorter.  If you’re looking to get into Alexander’s films, I wouldn’t say this is the place to start.  I’d check out Necropolis:  Legion or Parasite Lady first to build up your tolerance level.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GRAMPA’S SCI-FI HITS (1989) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Al “Grandpa” Lewis returns with more movie trailers, this time with a Sci-Fi theme.  There’s much more of a “story” this time around as Grandpa hops into his rocket ship and blasts off into outer space looking for “transmissions from the past”.  (AKA:  Sci-Fi movie trailers.)  His spaceship gets shot down by a UFO, and he crash lands on a planet where he is chased by a monster.  It’s then up to his pal Igor to fix the ship and get them back to Earth. 

The plot wasn’t really necessary for something like this, but it’s kinda cute and Lewis is a real treat to watch.  The rocket ship interior is all green-screened, and it looks like it was drawn and colored by a little kid.  That’s part of the charm though.  Also, to go along with the Sci-Fi theme, Lewis adds a Star Trek style tunic and a Doctor Who inspired scarf to his usual vampire costume. 

There’s a little bit more in terms of variety in this collection as there is a nice mix of subgenres represented.  The trailers were also culled over several different decades this time around.  I also liked that the trailers were more or less organized by theme.  We get to see trailers for the old Flash Gordon serials followed by the teaser for the Dino de Laurentiis version, there’s also Godzilla (Godzilla, King of the Monsters and Destroy All Monsters), comedies like The Rocky Horror Picture Show (the trailer spells Susan Sarandon’s name wrong) and Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs, dystopian futures (The Omega Man and Fahrenheit 451), and giants (The 30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock, Village of the Giants, and The Amazing Colossal Man). 

It was nice seeing some R rated material like Rocky Horror and Alien in there for a change too.  I know this collection is mainly for kids, but you’ve got to spice things up a little bit now and again.  Overall, I think my favorite preview was the cool re-release trailer for Buck Rogers that calls him, “The Original Star Warrior!”

The trailers include:  Flash Gordon (1936), Flash Gordon’s Trip to Mars, Flash Gordon (1980), Godzilla, King of the Monsters, Destroy All Monsters, King Kong (1976), Alien, Barbarella, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs, Buck Rogers, The Omega Man, Fahrenheit 451, The Lost World (1960), The 30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock, The Amazing Colossal Man, Godzilla vs. Megalon, Ghidrah the Three Headed Monster, Varan the Unbelievable, Reptilicus, Atragon, The Creation of the Humanoids, Battle of the Worlds, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, This Island Earth, The Day the Earth Stood Still, and The Blob.