LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MERMAIDS OF SAND, SEA, AND SURF (1994) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Mermaid Movies were a low budget version of Playboy Video Centerfolds.  They featured sexy topless women posing in picturesque exotic locales and… well… that’s about it.  They might not have had the same kind of money Hugh Hefner and his team were working with, but they had enough of it to convince the models to take their tops off, and at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters now, doesn’t it?

The first segment is called “Spanish Maiden” (***) and it features Belinda, a buxom brunette beauty posing topless on and around a beachfront pier.  This sequence is solid for the most part.  It’s just the heavily purple-tinted portion detracts from the scenery.  And by “scenery”, I mean the “topless Spanish maiden”. 

In “Enchantress” (** ½), a blonde named Lisa takes it all off and writhes around inside a small tropical treehouse.  This would’ve been just dandy had it not been for the annoying narrator performing some sort of half-assed nursery rhyme over the action. 

Next is “Artistic Charm” (** ½).  Ingrid, another sexy brunette, shows off on the pier before lounging topless in a hammock.  This too suffers from pointless nursery rhyme shit, but thankfully the narrator limits his lyrics to only a few verses. 

“Sensuous Castaways” (***) follows.  Lisa and her friend Kelley hang out on top of old boat wrecks on a desert island.  This scene is nice because it has two gals to look at, both of whom look great against the boat backdrops.  The fact that Lisa is the one doing the nursery rhyme narration helps too. 

Kelley is the star of the next sequence appropriately titled “Kelley” (** ½) where she does a tasteful series of poses on the beach.  “Lori” (** ½) follows her, posing topless on a small wooden bridge, in a little creek, and along the shoreline. 

“Tropical Heat Wave” (** ½) features two models writhing around in the sand and surf before cooling off in a pool.  This one has too much cutting back and forth to be effective, but at least the narration is decent this time.  “No men allowed! This is a woman’s world!”

The final segment is “Surf’s Up” (** ½) where models pose (where else?) on the beach.  This feels like outtakes from another Mermaids videos, but it’s hard to tell.  The models look hot, which is all that really matters. 

This isn’t too bad overall.  The biggest problem is the unnecessary narrator who talks over the scenes of the models posing.  Even worse is when he shills for other Mermaid releases in between the nude scenes.  His nursery rhyme shtick is grating too.  That’s probably the only real drawback though.  So, if you decide to watch this on mute and supply your own soundtrack, add a Half-Star to the rating.