THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: THE INVITATION (2022) * ½

Struggling to make ends meet in the big city and yearning for a sense of family, Evie (Nathalie Emmanuel) takes one of those online DNA tests and happens to find a long-lost cousin from England (Hugh Skinner).  After a brief meeting, he invites her across the pond to a posh wedding so she can meet the family she never knew she had.  There, she is wooed by a suave Count (Thomas Doherty) who sweeps her off her feet.  Of course, he’s hiding a big secret from Evie. 

The set-up is fine, and the follow-through is mediocre.  After about the halfway point though, it gets progressively worse as it goes along.  It also doesn’t help that it’s painfully obvious from the jump what the big secret Evie’s new beau is hiding.  Unless you’ve only seen like… ten horror movies in your life, you’ll know exactly where this thing is going the second he appears on screen.  (Especially when it’s revealed that he owns “Carfax Abbey”.)  Another problem is it takes seemingly forever to get to the twist as the pacing really drags. 

Hell, once the twist is finally sprung, the ensuing horror is tepid at best.  I could’ve probably dealt with the ho-hum suspense scenes if they had a strong payoff, but they often conclude with offscreen kills and/or shitty CGI deaths, which is frustrating to say the least.  To top it all off, there’s not much style on display as the film feels like a bland CW show a lot of the time. 

Emmanuel is okay in the lead, but she’s not given much to work with and her chunky nose ring is distracting to boot.  There is some chemistry between her and Doherty.  However, the dialogue and drama are about on par with a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie.  Stephanie Corneliussen is kind of fun to watch as the bitchy cousin who has a funny/awkward encounter with Emmanuel during their “spa day”.  Whenever she’s on screen, the movie shows sign of a pulse.  It’s a shame she’s the only one who seems to enjoy a chance to vamp it up. 

Overall, this invitation isn’t worth an RSVP. 

NUDAEROBICS (1983) ****

(SPECIAL NOTE:  Look, I know I said I was going to review nothing but horror movies for the month of October, but when something this awesome practically falls into your lap, you have to tell the world about it immediately.)  

If there’s anything I love more than ‘80s workout videos, it’s naked women.  Now, if you can make an ‘80s workout video starring naked women, you’re not only speaking my language, but you’re 100% fluent and your accent is impeccable.  Unlike Eroticise, a similar effort from the same year, this is shot on film, but it’s really dingy, so it looks closer to the mid ‘70s than the ‘80s. 

It opens with shot after shot of the ladies in the cast going down a sliding board and splashing down into a swimming pool in slow motion while totally nude.  If there’s a better way to start a video, I’d like to see it. 

The gals start off poolside doing some stretching exercises, then move on to leg kicks.  They do put on some clothes for the next aerobics routine, but before you start complaining about false advertising, you should know that when I say “clothes”, I mean leg warmers.  Since this was the ‘80s, it was government-mandated that all women in workout tapes had to wear leg warmers.  Unless you’re an ankle man, I can’t see anyone getting too bothered by it, especially when they start doing naked jumping jacks.  Then, the gals pivot to a cheerleader-inspired workout and let me tell you something, they sure know how to shake their pom poms, if you catch my drift. 

From there, the film turns into a fever dream of naked twisting, nude jump rope, and something called “The Wiggle Down”, which makes the participants look like they have an itch on their back that they can’t quite scratch.  Afterwards, they hop in the pool for some totally wacky water exercises.  The prolonged slow-motion sequence of the ladies jumping and splashing in the water will live rent free in my head for some time. 

But it doesn’t stop there.  No.  Then, we switch to an underwater camera and marvel as our sopping wet aerobics enthusiasts make like a dolphin and swim through rings that have been strategically positioned throughout the pool.  Flipper ain’t got nothing on these ladies. 

Then, it ends as it began with the ladies going down the slide and back into the pool in slow motion.  That’s right.  It’s a Mobius strip of awesomeness. 

The sound was poorly dubbed, which adds to the fun.  When the girls exercise, it’s to a disembodied voice who counts off for them.  Their banter while taking breaks around the pool is also looped in while their backs are turned to the camera, so we never see who’s saying what to who.  It’s some Doris Wishman type shit.  I loved it. 

The best moment is when the girls put a workout video in the VCR and follow along to an instructor modeled on Jane Fonda.  Folks, I’ve never seen a workout video where you watch women in a workout video watching a woman in a workout video.  Again, this thing is just a Mobius strip of awesomeness.

The camerawork is stellar as well.  The cameraman really knew how to get all the angles to capture the ladies’ curves.  The camerawork delivers on all the shots of jiggling boobs and buns that you’d expect from something like this, but trust me, the cameraman leaves nothing to the imagination when the gals are performing their leg lifts and pelvic thrusts.  Did I mention how great this fucking tape is?

The women in the cast look lovely.  All of them had careers of varying degrees in softcore and/or hardcore entertainment.  The most notable of the quintet is Tracey Adams from the Pretty Peaches movies. 

I’m not saying Nudaerobics is a cure for depression, but I haven’t stopped smiling since I saw it.  If they can’t get it into the Library of Congress film preservation list, they can at least prescribe it as an alternative to Lexipro. 

You know how they always say, “It’s the greatest thing since sliced bread?”  Well, I don’t know what the thing was that was so great BEFORE sliced bread came along (the wheel, maybe?), but Nudaerobics is even better than THAT. 

AKA:  Nude Aerobics. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: OPUS (2025) **

Moretti (John Malkovich) is a reclusive rock star who comes out of hiding to drop a new album.  He sends out invites to a select few critics including a young journalist named Ariel (Ayo Edebiri) for an exclusive listening party at his remote compound.  It’s here where his most devoted followers live on the grounds like cult members.  The observant Ariel soon figures out they’ve been lured to the premises for sinister purposes. 

Opus kind of starts off like a rock version of The Menu.  Parts also reminded me of Cecil B. Demented as the central pop culture figure has a literal cult following.  This is an admittedly delicious set-up ripe with possibilities.  That’s what makes it all the more frustrating.  Writer/director Mark Anthony Green delivered a recipe for a slow burn thriller but never finds the spark to light the fuse. 

Since it’s one of those slow burn deals, it takes a long time for anything remotely scary or horrific to happen.  Until then, a lot of the atmosphere of uneasiness comes from the conformist mentality and the lack of social cues on the part of the cult members.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene where one of the followers offers to shave Edebiri “down there” because Malkovich requires it. 

Even when the film finally gets down to business, it’s all over before it really even gets going.  It also rambles on a good ten minutes past its expiration date.  It might’ve helped if Green was making a point about religion or celebrities (or both).  Without any sort of social commentary, it all feels rather toothless (and pointless). 

Opus is one of those movies where it’s hard to see what makes the central cult leader so fascinating.  Yes, Malkovich is fairly amusing while sashaying around in gaudy costumes, but the music he makes (courtesy of Nile Rodgers) doesn’t sound like the kind of stuff that would’ve been on the charts in any era.  (Then again, it’s hard to tell, considering how bad music sounds these days.)  He’s clearly having fun with the role, and some of that is infectious.  That’s about where the fun stops though. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: DRACULA IN THE MOVIES (1992) ** ½

Dracula in the Movies is an OK trailer compilation that takes a while to find its footing.  The first fifteen minutes or so feels like it can’t make up its mind whether it wants to be a clip show package or a collection of trailers.  In between trailers, there are clips from Nosferatu and newsreel footage of Bela Lugosi.  There’s also intrusive text that accompanies some of the scenes.  The information is all rather basic, but I did think it was appropriate that the color of the font was blood red.  I also enjoyed the excerpt from the making of Dracula A.D. 1972.  I just wish it was integrated in a more congruous manner. 

Once it switches gears and begins churning out nothing but trailers, things improve significantly.  The only problem is that some of the previews are edited or greatly shortened.  I think it would’ve played much better had the trailers been allowed to play out in their entirety.  Or maybe it wouldn’t have been an issue if the editing had been a little smoother. 

All the classic trailers that you would expect to see are here.  Not surprisingly, there is a heavy concentration of Universal Dracula movies (Dracula, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Son of Dracula, etc.) and Hammer horror movies (Horror of Dracula, Brides of Dracula, Dracula, Prince of Darkness, etc.).  It kind of loses the Dracula theme early on as it features plenty of non-Count movies.  There are even some trailers from the Sci-Fi genre like Atom Age Vampire and Queen of Blood.  Heck, there’s even a trailer for The Vampire-Beast Craves Blood (which is just a silly retitling of The Blood Beast Terror) that isn’t really vampire movie at all as the titular beast is more of a moth woman monster than anything. 

I think if I saw this as a kid, I would’ve really enjoyed it.  I’m a man now, and my tastes in these kinds of compilations is a bit more discerning.  That said, there’s still some good stuff here like the fun trailer for Mark of the Vampire where Bela Lugosi reads a “summons” for the cast to appear in the theater.  There are also some great taglines along the way too.  My favorites were Lust for a Vampire (“Welcome to the finishing school where they really do finish you!”), House of Dark Shadows (“Come see how the vampires do it!”), and The Vampire Lovers (“Beware the kiss that kills!”).  The best bit is saved for last when Dracula (some guy) appears and swears the audience in as members of “The Count Dracula Society”.  (This was originally attached to some prints of Dracula A.D. 1972.)

Despite its flaws, Dracula in the Movies would make perfect background noise for when the Spooky Season rolls around. 

The complete roster of trailers include Nosferatu (clips), Dracula, (1931), a Bela Lugosi interview, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula, a documentary snippet from Dracula A.D. 1972, The Brides of Dracula, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, Black Sunday, Atom Age Vampire, Queen of Blood, Mark of the Vampire, Dracula, Prince of Darkness, Son of Dracula, House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, Dracula’s Daughter, The Kiss of the Vampire, The Return of the Vampire, The Vampire-Beast Craves Blood, Taste the Blood of Dracula, Count Yorga, Vampire, Lust for a Vampire, Frankenstein’s Bloody Terror, Dracula A.D. 1972, Blacula, The Devil’s Wedding Night, The Vampire, The Vampire’s Coffin, Blood of Dracula, The Return of Dracula, House of Dark Shadows, The Vampire Lovers, The Scars of Dracula, The Fearless Vampire Killers, Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter, Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride, and an ad for the Count Dracula Society. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: HALLOWEEN HORRORS (1992) ** ½

Two spoiled sisters Regina (Clancey McCauley) and Carla (Launa Kane) keep begging their rich dad (Sal Longo) for money and he bluntly tells them to get a job.  Meanwhile, an enterprising criminal (director Gary Whitson) plans on kidnapping the girls on Halloween night and holding them for ransom.  After he captures them and puts them in his makeshift dungeon, he waits for the money to roll in. 

Since this is a W.A.V.E. Production, that means there are scenes of women being chloroformed, held in bondage, strangled, put in stocks, tied to the rack, placed in a noose, and getting knocked out and having their unconscious body dragged around.  One novel bit comes when McCauley is tied up and suffocates in a sealed airtight coffin.  The gimmick of having the events take place on Halloween is also unique as it gives the film a good excuse to dress the ladies in the cast in sexy costumes like Little Red Riding Hood, a Greek goddess, and a cat from the Broadway musical Cats. 

There’s not much in the way of T & A here aside from a couple of nip slips.  I think the appeal is supposed to come from the prolonged scenes of helpless women struggling against their restraints.  If that is the sort of thing that gets your motor running, then add an extra star to the overall rating. 

Even though Longo gives a solid performance, the scenes of him sitting around the phone, negotiating with Whitson, and trying to raise the ransom money are easily the weakest part of the movie.  The stuff with Whitson tormenting the girls in his dungeon don’t rank among W.A.V.E.’s best stuff, but they get the job done.  I particularly liked the part where he tortured the girls by playing one of those “Spooky Sounds of Halloween” tapes. 

Halloween Horrors is less than an hour long, and because of that, it goes down smooth enough.  If you’ve never seen a W.A.V.E. movie before, this probably isn’t the best one to start with.  (If you want to see a deranged piece of outlaw art, check out Eaten Alive:  A Tasteful Revenge.)  However, if you’re jonesing for a quick hit of Whitson’s singular brand of cinematic oddities, this is liable to scratch the itch. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN

Well folks, it’s that time of the year again.  Time to dust off the pumpkins, hang up the cobwebs, and stock nothing but horror movies in the VCR, DVD, Blu-Ray, and 4K players.  The past couple of years I kind of slacked on keeping the site full of horror reviews, but I’m going to do my best to provide a barrage of scary shit throughout the Spooky Season.  As in the past, I will also continue the horror-centric antics into November for the traditional “Halloween Hangover” column.  So, what do you say?  Let’s treat our favorite tricks to nothing but horror 24/7!

HAYRIDE SLAUGHTER (2001) **

A rash of Satanic murders threatens to shut down an independent haunted house and hayride attraction.  Tina Krause is the sexy witch/psychic investigator who is brought in to find the killer and stop the bad publicity.  Complications arise when Krause’s ex (Dean Paul) winds up becoming the lead detective on the case. 

If you’re a fan of W.A.V.E. Productions, you may already know what you’re getting yourself into with Hayride Slaughter.  This was one of those instances where they were actually trying to make a “real” movie, and the results are uneven at best.  The central premise is sound and the “killer in a walk-through haunted house” plot predates films like Hell Fest and Haunt by nearly two decades.  It’s just that director Gary Whitson never really goes anywhere with gimmick.  The finale where Tina is attacked by a demon is appropriately silly, but it ultimately comes up a day late and a dollar short. 

It doesn’t help that the film is so overburdened with useless padding that it often slows things to a crawl.  Such forms of padding include black and white “flashbacks” (actually an unrelated short film), pointless Blurry-Vision slow motion scenes, a painfully long magic act that’s filmed in its entirety (the fact that Tina is the sexy magician’s assistant takes some of the boredom out of it), and pointless Blurry-Vision slow motion scenes of the aforementioned magic act.  The running time is eighty-five minutes, but if Whitson cut all that malarkey out and brought it in at a tight sixty minutes or so, he might’ve had something.  

Since this is a W.A.V.E. movie, we also get a random bondage scene. It’s not exactly great or anything.  However, since it takes place inside a haunted house, it’s novel at the very least. 

I’m a big Tina Krause fan, but this is far from her best work.  While Tina tries her darnedest, she is unable to save the film.  Some enjoyment can also be found from spotting other familiar faces from W.A.V.E. Productions that populate the supporting cast including Whitson (cop), Debbie D. (scare actress), and Barbara Joyce (bondage enthusiast).  Krause and Joyce provide some T & A too, which helps make it watchable.