Remaking Spider Baby isn’t the worst idea in the world but turning it into an ersatz Grindhouse movie was a big miscalculation. It also doesn’t help that the filmmakers constantly ape Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses as It uses the same washed-out kind of interstitials that bookend scenes and are filled with clips from old cartoons and nudies. (House star Robert Mukes also appears as the narrator.) The Zombie-style heavy metal song that plays over the opening credits is laughably bad too. I mean nothing could top the original film’s theme song (sung by its star, Lon Chaney Jr.). However, this shit is terrible.
Siblings Virginia (Skylar Fast) and Elizabeth (Emma Keifer) are stricken by The Merrye Syndrome, a rare condition that reverts them back to a childlike state. Sometimes, they even regress so far back that they inhabit a primitive mindset which makes them capable of unspeakable violence. When Aunt Emily (Jennifer Moriarty) comes to the house to send the children away, they turn on their nasty relatives.
While the Jack Hill original had some disturbing elements, the humanity that emanated from Lon Chaney Jr.’s performance and his outpouring of unconditional love for the “children” made it a surprisingly heartwarming and unique motion picture experience. This one is just a cheap cash-in trading on the name and reputation of a classic. Director Dustin Ferguson has made some good low budget movies (like Axed to Pieces). He’s made some bad ones too (like Amityville in the Hood). I think you can guess what category this falls into. Like I said, this is more of a miscalculation than anything. The Grindhouse filter on the camera would’ve been fine for flashback scenes, but to make the whole movie with the obvious filter just calls attention to itself.
I guess the good news is that it’s less than an hour long. Even that is a mixed blessing as the finale feels really rushed and the potentially poignant ending isn’t given enough room to breathe. At least Ferguson was smart enough to not overstay his welcome.
Chaney’s son, Ron has a cameo as a doctor early on, which was a nice touch. It’s Noel Jason Scott though who takes over Chaney’s old role as Bruno the caretaker. He certainly tries, and although he can’t compete with Lon, he easily gives the best performance of the movie.
They somehow wrangled Hill into serving as an executive producer on this. I’m not sure what he got out of it other than a paycheck. This version ultimately winds up feeling like those actor recreations you see in true crime shows. It also sorely lacks the humanity, wit, and warmth that made the original a classic. Maybe if you’ve never seen the original, you might not be as incensed. For me, there is no comparison.
AKA: Spider Baby, or the Maddest Story Ever Told.
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