THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: MEXICAN MONSTERS ON THE MARCH (1994) *** ½

Something Weird released this compilation tape containing condensed versions of old Mexican monster movies from the ‘60s.  It works as a nice sampler and/or sizzle reel for both fans of Mexican horror and the uninitiated alike.  If you’re not in the mood for Halloween after watching it, you’re probably beyond help. 

The first mini-feature is The Rider of the Skulls.  A masked cowboy hero rides around the west doing battle with a wooly looking werewolf (who seems to be in league with a witch), a vampire (who wears a Lucha Libre mask), and a headless horseman.  This one looks like a blast and frankly, the world needs more werewolf westerns if you ask me.

In The Return of the Monster, a Frankenstein-style monster escapes from a mad scientist’s lab (much to the delight of a comic relief talking skeleton) and goes around terrorizing the countryside.  After he kidnaps a crying toddler, “The Scarlet Fox” (he looks like a Zorro knockoff) comes to the rescue.  Cut-rate lap dissolve transformation scenes reveal the monster is actually a were-Frankenstein!  This might be a cinema first!

One of the few movies I had seen prior to watching Mexican Monsters on the March was Ship of Monsters.  If you’ve never seen it, what are you waiting for?  The monsters are awesome (some of the costumes were later reused in El Santo and Aztec Mummy movies) and Lorena Velazquez is simply stunning, especially once she turns into a vampire!

Another one I saw previously was Adventure at the Center of the Earth.  It wasn’t great, but they do show some of the best parts of the film.  Among the highlights are bats attacking a spelunker dangling over a lava pit and the shots of furry batmen flying around.  One of them even offers the sexy leading lady a rat to eat. 

Next up is one of the granddaddies of Mexican horror, The Brainiac.  A monster emerges from a comet and runs around sucking people’s brains out using its long tongue.  His reign of terror is brought to an end when some dudes with flamethrowers get the drop on the monster and light his ass up.  It’s as awesome as it sounds!

That’s followed by Dr. Satan.  I’ve seen this one too, but it wasn’t so hot.  Fortunately, the editors knew the best stuff to highlight, like the scenes of the eponymous villain consorting with the winged devil in a foggy graveyard. 

Scenes from Madness from Terror play out next.  There’s one terrific moment where a dude melts that looks like it might’ve been the inspiration for Toht’s death in Raiders of the Lost Ark.  This sequence has it all, mad scientist labs, zombies, grave robbing, and a part where a guy is running around with a skeleton for a body.  This one is going on my watchlist pronto. 

Then we have Museum of Horror, which looks to be a South of the Border version of House of Wax.  That is to say, it looks spectacular.  It’s all about a guy with a hideously scarred face who gets his kicks from jumping out of the bushes, abducting damsels in distress, and taking them back to his lair where he dumps vats of boiling hot wax on their face. 

Up next is another “Scarlet Fox” movie, Scarlet Fox in the Hanged Man’s Revenge (which also goes by the infinitely cooler alternate title, Zorro vs. the Teenage Monster).  In this one, the Zorro-inspired character fights a monster (who may or may not be the same one from Return of the Monster, I can’t be sure) who is busy terrorizing the countryside and kidnapping women. 

The final condensed horror show is The She-Wolf.  A werewolf woman rises from her tomb (pretty much nude) and takes to ripping and clawing into the menfolk who are unlucky enough to stumble into her path.  The slow-motion shots of the she-wolf leaping through the air are badass and the suggested nudity is rather tantalizing for the time.  The gore is rather juicy too, and the transformation scenes look great.  I’m gonna check this one out as soon as I can. 

While I consider myself a fan of old Mexican horror movies, even I hadn’t heard of most of these.  There are no subtitles, but it doesn’t really matter since the clips are mostly centered around “the good stuff”.  Besides, the dialogue isn’t really necessary since the sounds of women screaming and werewolves snarling are pretty much universal anyway. 

That said… at over two hours long, I’m inclined to believe they could’ve trimmed this down even more.  They really didn’t need to keep in all the credits sequences either.  Just having the title card at the beginning of each sequence would’ve sufficed.  (The long opening crawl to Adventure could’ve been cut out entirely.)  That’s a minor quibble though as I definitely discovered some new films to add to my watch pile, and honestly… that’s what these compilations are all about!

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: SHOCK FESTIVAL: THE ULTIMATE HORROR TRAILER MARATHON (2010) ***

This collection of Shock Festival trailers concentrates solely on horror films.  Things kick off with trailers that contain warnings to the audience (The Stuff, Pieces, and Snuff), which is a nice touch.  That’s followed by a string of previews that begin with shots of cars entering a seemingly idyllic town that harbors a secret (Beyond the Gate, Burnt Offerings, and Dead and Buried). That’s a pretty niche subgenre and I commend the editors for putting those together. 

That’s pretty much where the themed horror trailers trend ends.  From there, Shock Festival turns into a grab bag of trailers from different genres, eras, and quality, but it’s a pretty fun one.  There are plenty of old standbys here that have been seen on countless other trailer compilations.  Despite that, it’s still good to see them all again, which sort of makes this the cinematic equivalent of comfort food.  The ever-reliable “Double Bill of Horror” trailer for The Blood-Spattered Bride and I Dismember Mama is here.  This has been a staple of many trailer compilations, but I for one never tire of seeing it.  Other old chestnuts include The Toolbox Murders, Maniac, and the ad for a double feature of Carnival of Blood and Curse of the Headless Horseman. 

Most of the trailers are for stone cold classics like Mark of the Devil, Bloodsucking Freaks, and God Told Me To, but every so often, a preview for something crappy like The Curse will sneak in there.  We also get trailers for films from such horror greats as Lucio Fulci (House by the Cemetery), Dario Argento (Cat O’Nine Tails), and George Romero (The Crazies).  There are plenty of great taglines along the way too.  Some of my favorites belonged to Grizzly (“It’s not just a camping ground, it’s a feeding ground!”), Hell Night (“Pray for day!”), Shock Waves (“Once they were ALMOST human!”), The Illustrated Man (“Don’t dare stare!”) and Blood of Ghastly Horror (“SEE a young girl turned into a 1000 year old mummy!”). 

Overall, I think I enjoyed this more than the first installment thanks to the shorter running time and breezier editing.  Sure, there are better compilations of trailers out there, but this one should fit the bill nicely during Spooky Season. 

Here’s the complete trailer rundown:  The Stuff, Pieces, Snuff, Beyond the Gate, Pranks, Burnt Offerings, Dead and Buried, a double feature of Blood Spattered Bride and I Dismember Mama, House by the Cemetery, Great White, Cat O’Nine Tails, Saturn 3, God Told Me To, The Crazies, The Toolbox Murders, Q, the Winged Serpent, Grizzly, Don’t Look in the Basement, Hell Night, Satan’s Black Wedding, The Black Belly of the Tarantula, Invasion of the Bee Girls, Maniac, Banana Monster, Dead of Night, a double feature of Carnival of Blood and Curse of the Headless Horseman, Mark of the Devil, Bloodsucking Freaks, Deep Red, The Curse, Autopsy, Daughters of Darkness, The Illustrated Man, The Fifth Cord, 7 Doors of Death, and Blood of Ghastly Horror. 

SHOCK FESTIVAL: THE ULTIMATE EXPLOITATION TRAILER MARATHON (2010) ***

Shock Festival is a two-disc DVD set containing multiple trailer compilations.  The first one was for a collection of amateurish looking fake Grindhouse trailers, so I skipped that one and went right to the second disc that contained “real” trailers.  This compilation is subtitled “The Ultimate Exploitation Trailer Marathon.”  I’m not quite sure it lives up to the title, but it is a lot of fun and features a good cross section of subgenres.  Among them are ‘80s action (Treasure of the Four Crowns and Vice Squad), Blaxploitation (Cornbread, Earl, and Me, Black Samurai, and Black Heat), Sexploitation (Grimm’s Fairy Tales for Adults, Flesh Gordon, and Cinderella 2000), and Roger Corman movies (Beyond Atlantis, Space Raiders, and Cannonball).  There’s even a trailer for a straight-up porno (Titillation, which is hosted by Little Oral Annie) that also contains a plug for Cheri magazine. 

Typically, I like it when trailer compilations run a bunch of similarly themed previews in one big block.  With Shock Festival, a lot of the fun comes from the sharp contrast in tone from trailer to trailer.  In some cases, it’s so extreme that it’s liable to cause cinematic whiplash.  The biggest head-spinning contrast in content comes from the one-two combo of Jess Franco’s notorious sex flick Sadomania and the G-rated wilderness adventure, Challenge to Be Free.  The juxtaposition of the kinky sexploitation flick The Female Animal and the kiddie matinee movie 7 Dwarfs to the Rescue is also worth a howl of laughter, as is the pairing of King Kong vs. Godzilla and Africa:  Blood and Guts, which concludes the collection.  (The inclusion of the teaser for Albert Pyun’s Captain America is pretty random too.)

Honestly, I could’ve done without some of the tamer trailers.  The previews for war movies like Raiders of Leyte Gulf and The Fighting Rats of Tobruk didn’t do much for me.  The good news is there’s still plenty of jaw dropping stuff here to satisfy fans of trailer tapes like me.  The previews for Amazon Jail, Raw Force, and Fight for Your Life are a lot of fun, and the ad for Avalanche Express (which is nothing more than a series of stills of Lee Marvin and Robert Shaw) is pretty unique.  All and all, it makes for a fine party tape to watch with a big group of friends. 

The complete line-up includes:  The Treasure of the Four Crowns, Vice Squad, Cornbread, Earl, and Me, Black Samurai, Grimm’s Fairy Tales for Adults,  Flesh Gordon, Conquest, Delirium, Amazon Jail, Beyond Atlantis, Sadomania, Challenge to Be Free, Venom, Raw Force, Gone with the Pope, Black Heat, Starstruck, The Last Days of Man on Earth, 1990:  The Bronx Warriors, The Late Great Planet Earth, Avalanche Express, Cinderella 2000, Titillation, Flesh and Lace, The Mysterious Island of Captain Nemo, Circle of Iron, Smithereens, Fantastic Planet, The Loveless, The Sexy Dozen, 2069:  A Sex Odyssey, Raiders of Leyte Gulf, Scum of the Earth, Venus in Furs, The Female Animal, 7 Dwarfs to the Rescue, The Fighting Rats of Tobruk, Fight for Your Life, Fast Company, Grand Slam, Space Raiders, The Final Countdown, Cannonball, Killer Force, King Kong vs. Godzilla, and Africa:  Blood and Guts. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: BIOTHERAPY (1986) ***

A group of scientists are hard at work perfecting “GT Medicine” which cause goldfish to grow exponentially.  After a successful test, a glowing alien from the future shows up and begins killing off the scientists one by one.  Seems he wants to use the formula to speed up the evolutionary process so he and his race can take over the Earth. 

Biotherapy is a weird Sci-Fi/gore/time travel movie.  It clocks in at a scant thirty-five minutes, which is honestly the perfect length for something like this.  It cuts out all the crap that would usually slow a movie like this down, namely unnecessary subplots, romantic interludes, and scenes of character development in favor of an accelerated plot and show-stopping gore sequences.  And for the most part, it all works rather well. 

The villain is pretty cool.  He kind of looks like a cross between Darth Vader and your typical killer from a giallo.  He sure knows how to put a hurting on scientists too.  One guy gets his eyeball ripped out for the opening credits can even begin.  Another poor gal is repeatedly stabbed with broken test tubes before the alien pulls out her tongue.  One schmo has his front teeth knocked out with a pistol before getting his brains blown out by the baddie.  I think my favorite scene though is when the alien rips the one scientist’s guts out, but the guy keeps on fighting.  I guess what they say is true.  No guts, no glory.  Some of the poorly translated subtitles are good for a laugh too, my favorite being, “You remember him, the killer from before.”

The abbreviated running time winds up being sort of a mixed blessing at the end when it comes time to wrap the story up.  The final confrontation with the killer is a bit rushed, but the big issue is that the “twist” ending lands with a thud, mostly because it honestly needed more time to be properly fleshed out.  Despite that, whenever the gore is flowing and the body parts are flying, Biotherapy is a bloody good time. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: BLOODY AXE WOUND (2024) **

Abbie (Sari Arambulo) is the daughter of Roger Bladecut (Billy Burke), a prolific serial killer with dozens of horror sequels to his name.  Abbie is convinced it’s time to inject the series with some new blood and tries to convince her dad to let her take up the mantle.  Once she is locked in as the new killer, she realizes the kids she’s supposed to brutally murder aren’t all that bad.  Complicating things further is the fact that she has a crush on the dope smoking drummer (Molly Brown) who’s next on her victim list. 

A lot of the humor in Bloody Axe Wound is right on the nose and not particularly funny.  It’s also hard to figure out the “rules” of the in-movie universe.  I mean Bladecut owns a video store that rents out his horror movies.  That makes me wonder who’s filming and releasing the videos?  Do other serial killers have rival stores that only stock their films?  How did they get Jeffrey Dean Morgan to star in one of these things?  It brings up more questions than it answers, and what intriguing ideas the filmmakers do introduce are almost immediately forgotten.  Because of that, the whole thing winds up being more frustrating than fun. 

The gore is over the top though.  Too bad the various stabbings and hackings are mostly done for comedic effect.  Usually, these excesses turn out to be not very funny, especially when the extreme bloodletting just goes on and on without much of a payoff. 

The performances are a mixed bag at best.  Brown is good as the sexy drummer.  She kind of has a Kristen Stewart quality about her that works for the Final Girl role.  Arambulo on the other hand is grating as the serial killer with second thoughts.  You never really buy her transformation from killer to the potential victims’ ally.  Then again, that’s more of the script’s fault than hers.  As the serial killer Bladecut, Burke doesn’t get much to do aside from wear some bad prosthetics and imitate Thomas Jane’s gravelly delivery. 

There is an idea or two that may have worked if the filmmakers fleshed it out a little.  Ultimately, the movie winds up feeling more like a rushed first draft than a polished final product.  Because of that, Bloody Axe Wound doesn’t cut too deep. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: CUCKOO (2024) **

Gretchen (Hunter Schafer) moves to the German Alps with her family where her young sister is being treated by a smarmy doctor (Dan Stevens).  The odd doctor gets her a job working at his resort where she begins experiencing weird déjà vu like flashes before something bad happens.  Gretchen also suffers a series of accidents which everyone seems to blame on her.  Also troubling is the random appearances of a crazy looking lady who may be the cause of her hallucinations. 

Schafer gives an excellent performance in Cuckoo and it’s a shame the movie itself never matches her energy.  Even when everything is circling the drain, she remains a charismatic presence on screen and gives 110%.  I want to see the film she thinks she’s acting in.  I’m sure it’s great.  Stevens is amusing as the geeky German goofball who runs the resort who brings a much-needed kooky vibe to the proceedings.  Sadly, they are about the only bright spots to be found.

The remote lodge in a foreign country is a great location for a horror flick, as it heightens our teenage heroine’s sense of isolation.  The problem is writer/director Tilman (Luz) Singer never complements the setting with anything remotely horrific.  In addition, the central mystery never really becomes all that intriguing, and the suspense and/or horror scenes mostly land with a big shrug.  The biggest bust is the oddball lady who is at the center of everything.  She just seems more like a case of the filmmakers coming up with a bunch of weirdness for weirdness’ sake than trying to create a mysterious supernatural entity to base a movie around.  (It kind of reminded me of It Follows as the scenes of the old bag randomly appearing, screaming, and running towards the characters have a similar vibe.)

Ultimately, aside from the performances by Schafer and Stevens, there’s not much here to go cuckoo about. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: THE DELIVERANCE (2024) ***

When Lee (Precious) Daniels makes a horror movie, you know you’re in for… well… something.  Ebony (Andra Day) moves her family into a new house and before they can even get settled in, cliched horror shit starts happening left and right.  Flies are buzzing around like it’s The Amityville Horror and her young son is talking to ghosts like in The Sixth Sense.  Pretty soon, the kids are winding up with mysterious bruises, and CPS starts making calls to the house, but is Ebony the one putting hands on her kids?  Or is there a demon possessing them?

Glenn Close is the MVP here.  She gamely chews the scenery as Day’s feisty mother who lives with the family and wears a rather hilarious collection of meemaw attire.  She doesn’t even let the fact that she’s going through chemotherapy stop her from trying to pick up men half her age. 

Knowing that this was directed by Lee Daniels, you may be tempted to think it’s going to be Precious Meets the Exorcist.  While that’s not quite the vibe, it’s pretty darn close.  The early scenes of parental neglect and abuse are like Precious, but with a bunch of supernatural occurrences. 

Even as far as cheesy Exorcist rip-offs go, there is some crazy shit here.  Remember that scene in The Exorcist when Regan was sleepwalking and peed herself?  Daniels ups the ick factor by having one of the possessed kids take a shit in the middle of class and THROW it at his teacher.  Ellen Burstyn got off light. 

Speaking of The Exorcist, here’s another tweak on the usual formula:  Remember the infamous spider walk scene?  Well in this one the kid walks up the walls like Spider-Man!  Another hilarious wrinkle comes during the “deliverance” when the kid takes the form of Close who starts cursing like a sailor. 

It’s moments like this that make The Deliverance trashy fun.  Some may take issue with the way Daniels portrays casual child abuse, but the undiluted depiction is what makes it work.  I don’t think we’ve seen a haunted house/possession flick like this since Amityville 2 (minus the incest angle). 

I also liked the way Daniels kept it real.  Like, in most possession movies when the mom consults a priest, they meet in a church or something.  In The Deliverance, they meet at a McDonald’s.  I’m loving it.