HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE (2025) ***

I know this isn’t exactly a horror flick, but I’m going to allow it as part of Halloween Hangover since it features two of my favorite Scream Queens of the last decade or so, Maika Monroe and Mary Elizabeth Winstead.  The original film was one of the first and best of the “From Hell” subgenre of studio thrillers that dominated the ‘90s.  The genre has lost its potency over time, especially once Lifetime basically adopted the format for their original movies.  This remake updates the premise for the times and even adds in some sexual tension between the two leads, which is certainly welcome. 

Winstead plays a new mom who could use a hand around the house, so she hires a seemingly perfect nanny (Monroe) to watch the kids.  At first, she finds small ways to undermine her employer’s authority, like secretly giving the children cupcakes when they aren’t allowed to have sweets.  Eventually, she’s swapping out breast milk for formula before doing more devious activity like poisoning Winstead’s home cooking.  Before long, she learns her new nanny has a score to settle, and she won’t stop until Mary’s life is thoroughly ruined. 

Director Michelle Garza Cervera does a good job at broaching uncomfortable subject matter within the context of a Hollywood thriller.  When Winstead’s young daughter comes out as gay, she suspects Monroe had a hand in coaching her and calls her out on it, which naturally makes her look like a homophonic piece of shit.  These micro manipulations by Monroe keep Winstead (and the audience) off balance. 

Cervera’s handling of the cringey plot reveals is pretty effective and her staging of the more typical thriller cliches is moderately entertaining the whole way through.  If you have to do a remake, this is the approach you should take.  Keep the bones of what made the original work and add in new layers and nuances to keep it fresh. 

It helps that Winstead and Monroe are both quite strong.  They play off one another extremely well and once the sparks finally fly, it’s fun to see them go at each other.  All in all, it’s a solid remake that’s definitely worth checking out. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: NIGHT TEETH (2021) * ½

Benny (Jorge Lendeborg Jr.) is a young wannabe musician who gets a job chauffeuring two hot women (Debby Ryan and Lucy Fry) around the city for the evening.  The ladies want to hit five parties in one night, and it’s up to Benny to get them there on time.  As it turns out, the gals are actually vampires who are aiming to take out the heads of the five vampire clans so they can run the city. 

Night Teeth thinks it’s edgy and hip, but it’s really tired and boring.  It takes more than just tinkering with the rules of vampirism to make a good vampire flick.  The weakest parts of the film are devoted to the backstory with the various vampire clans which feel overexplained and yet at the same time not fully fleshed out. 

The film starts off with potential as the set-up plays kind of like a vampire comedy version of Collateral.  Whatever promise the flick had soon gets thrown out the window thanks to the lethargic pacing and weak vampire hunting action (which mostly plays out as an afterthought).  The dialogue is often cringe-inducing and all the exposition about “breaking the truce with the humans” will leave you rolling your eyes. 

It also hurts that the acting leaves something to be desired. Lendeborg Jr. kind of blends in with the scenery as he never finds a way to make his sheepish character endearing or memorable.  The only two recognizable names in this are Sydney Sweeney and Megan Fox who play a pair of vampire queens.  They look great in their sexy attire (Sweeney is practically spilling out of her evening gown), but they are unfortunately relegated to extended cameos as they only appear in one scene.  While Fry and Ryan are okay as the two mischievous vamps, I can’t help but think how much more fun this would’ve been if Sweeney and Fox had played their roles instead. 

Ultimately, Night Teeth lacks bite. 

PREDATOR: BADLANDS (2025) ****

Predator: Badlands is the best Predator movie since the first one.  Ferociously original, it is simultaneously a dissection and a dissertation of what makes the franchise so much fun.  The special effects are great, and the action is terrific, but it’s what’s brimming just below the surface that makes it an instant classic. 

A young Predator (called a “runt” by his warrior father) sets out to prove himself by traveling to a hostile planet and kill an indestructible monster.  Along the way, he happens along a heavily damaged synthetic (Elle Fanning) whom he uses as a “tool” to track his prey.  He soon learns there are even more dangerous things lurking on the planet. 

I never thought I’d actually care about a Predator until Badlands.  Yes, I may have rooted for one in AVP, but I never in a million years could I have imagined being caught up in its warrior journey.  The amazing thing about the movie is that director Dan Trachtenberg (encoring after the previous Predator film, Prey) is able to sneakily toss in some pretty timely themes into the film.  I don’t want to spoil anything, so I will tread lightly.  All I’ll say is that the movie is essentially a universal tale of not only finding yourself but family in a truly fucked-up world.  Consider the Predator is spurned by his family for being “different”.  While trying to make something of himself, he develops his own makeshift familial unit who grows to respect and support him.  It’s a picture about shedding the baggage of the previous generation and blazing a new path of your own for the future. 

Either that, or I’m just over analyzing the hell out of this.  Either way, it’s a kick ass Predator movie. 

Fans of the Alien series will no doubt love some of the touches here, especially in the third act.  There were parts that reminded me of Avatar and Apocalypto too.  They also managed to put an homage to Hard Target in there for good measure.  Did I mention how great this thing is?

Fanning is hilarious as the plucky, wisecracking synthetic who is toted around on the Predator’s back like C-3PO in The Empire Strikes Back for much of the movie.  Surprisingly enough, the bond that grows between her and the Predator is genuinely moving.  The best performance though comes from the space monkey who completes their makeshift family.  If you mixed the Cater-Puppy from House 2 with Boots from Dora the Explorer, it might give you an idea of what we are talking about here.  Folks, there is a quiet, tender, and moving scene between the Predator and the space monkey where I got a legitimate lump in my throat.  I’ve believed a lot of strange shit in cinema before, but in never thought I’d live to see that AND be genuinely moved.  Yes, this movie is that fucking good. 

The most beautiful thing about Badlands is that this is a wonderfully profound movie about humanity that doesn’t have a single human being in it.  Yes, I’m serious.  

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE INVISIBLE MAN VS. THE HUMAN FLY (1957) **

A rash of unexplained murders has left the police baffled.  Turns out they are being committed by a killer who can shrink himself down to the size of a housefly.  A scientist working on an invisible ray decides the only way to catch the killer is to make himself invisible. 

The big problem with The Invisible Man vs. the Human Fly is that the two titular adversaries feel like they belong in separate pictures.  The invisibility stuff is slightly different than the traditionally accepted lore as scientists zap rays at test subjects to make them “imperceptible”.  (Personally, I prefer the old wrapped-in-bandages variety.)  The Human Fly scenes are slightly better, but the goofy tone of these sequences run against the grain of the serious mood created elsewhere in the picture.  I also couldn’t help but be disappointed that the “Human Fly” is closer to Ant-Man than Al Hedison.  At least the effects of him being shrunk down are good for a laugh. 

Another issue is the pacing as the back and forth between the plot lines slows things down immensely.  The first act gets incredibly bogged down as the detective scenes are perfunctory at best.  The third act is really draggy once the Human Fly threatens the city by hiding a bomb.  The finale also loses points since there isn’t a traditional mano y mano fight between the two opposing wonders of modern science as it all ends with a boring shootout. 

There are moments here where fun threatens to break out.  It’s in these fleeting passages where you can really see the film’s potential, which kind of makes it sting even more.  We get a great dance routine where a sexy Japanese gal in fishnets shakes so much, she becomes in danger of spilling out of her tiny bra!  Later, there’s a fun bit where the Human Fly spies on her while she’s lounging in her dressing room.  Unbeknownst to her, he runs along her bare midriff while she practices her next number.

Sadly, scenes like that are more the exception than the rule.  Like The Invisible Man Appears, the movie plays a lot like a crime film with Sci-Fi elements.  Even with a potentially fun third act that features multiple Human Flies and invisible people running around, it still somehow manages to be pretty dull.

AKA:  The Invisible Human vs. the Fly Man.  AKA:  The Transparent Man vs. the Fly Man.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE INVISIBLE MAN APPEARS (1949) ***

Two bitter rival scientists are working separately on their own invisibility formulas.  Their mentor proclaims he will bestow an award on the scientist who finishes their formula first.  Not only that, but he’ll also throw his daughter’s hand in marriage in there for good measure.  Problems arise when a thief snatches the formula and becomes invisible so he can steal a priceless necklace. 

It’s always interesting to see a Japanese rip-off of an American monster movie, especially one from this far back.  Boasting early effects work from Eiji Tsuburaya (who would go on to create the effects for Godzilla just a few years later), The Invisible Man Appears is a breezy bit of fun.  If you’re a fan of Invisible Man films in general, you should get as much enjoyment out of this as I did. 

I will say all the stuff with the stolen necklace is a tad dull.  It would’ve been much better had the Invisible Man been let loose to run amok instead of having a ring of jewel thieves be the real culprits.  At least that gives the film its own unique vibe, but it ultimately winds up feeling more like a crime thriller with horror/Sci-Fi elements thrown in. 

That’s kind of a moot point though when the invisibility scenes are so much fun. There’s a 10-out-of-10 sequence where the doctor’s cat turns invisible and starts tearing up the house that is a complete riot.  The scene where the Invisible Man unwraps himself and undresses is quite similar to the old Universal movies, and while it’s a little cruder than its inspiration, it’s a treat to watch, nevertheless.  Sometimes the wires are visible when the Invisible Man is holding something, but that kind of adds to the fun.  The camerawork that represents the Invisible Man’s POV is also well done. 

There is one aspect in which this film manages to one-up the American version.  In the original, the Invisible Man rode a bicycle.  In this one, he drives a motorcycle!  And I don’t mean like in one brief shot.  I’m talking about a legit chase scene complete with extras diving out of the way of the speeding bike! 

In short, The Invisible Man Appears is worth seeing (pun intended). 

AKA:  The Transparent Man.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: NUDE IN DRACULA’S CASTLE (2009) ***

After the fanfare of Halloween dies down and The 31 Days of Horror-Ween has finished, I inevitably wind up with a LOT more horror movies on my plate to watch.  I typically lump these reviews into a column called Halloween Hangover.  I tried to start this year’s edition off with something called Nude in Dracula’s Castle, which looked promising.  Alternative Cinema put out this two-disc set containing four hours of nudie shorts from the 50’s and ‘60s.  Now, I was under the mistaken impression they were all (or at least mostly) horror related, which is why I spent the week of Halloween watching them.  I got about a quarter of the way through the set when I realized that wasn’t the case, as only the first film was a horror nudie short.  By then, it was too late to turn back.  Anyway, forget that long-winded opening, here’s my in-depth report on a bunch of vintage smut: 

“Nude in Dracula’s Castle” ****

A sexy brunette spends the night in a spooky old mansion and is menaced by the pale faced butler who is actually a vampire.  This was pretty much it as far as the horror nudie shorts go.  That said, it is a terrific little mini-masterpiece.  It has better production values than most features and the lighting is particularly good for an 8mm loop.  Imagine if Russ Meyer did a remake of Nosferatu and Carnival of Souls in less than three minutes and that might give you an idea of what to expect.  It’s pure cinema.  I don’t know if it’s worth buying the whole set just for this short, but I couldn’t fault anyone for wanting to add it to their collection.  It’s that damn good. 

“Lynda” ** ½ 

A model named Lynda lies on the bed thrusting her loins at the camera.  This is about as basic a nudie loop as you can get.  However, if you paid a quarter back in the day to see it at an adult arcade, I’d say you probably got your money’s worth as there are plenty of full-on beaver shots. 

“Lusty and Young” ** ½ 

A snaggle-toothed chick disrobes and shows off her beaver.  Like "Lynda", there’s not a lot to this one, but it’s got plenty of bush.  It’s also memorable, if only for the model’s dental deformity. 

“Marty” ***

This loop follows the same tired structure as the previous two entries.  The difference here is that Marty is a real looker and seems to be enjoying grinding her beaver about. 

“Brandi” *** ½ 

If Brandi isn’t the best-looking girl so far, she’s definitely the most limber.  She’s certainly eager to show off that beaver, which also helps enormously.  Add to that the fact that the camerawork is much better in this loop and you have yourself a real winner. 

“Blonde and Spunky” ***

The model is blonde and spunky, so you can’t sue them for false advertising.  (She kind of looks like Angie Dickinson a little.)  Compared to the other beaver loops, this one has some interesting camerawork as it begins with a cool low angle shot and features several close-ups of the eager model mugging for the camera.  It’s kind of on the short side, but other than that, it’s a winner. 

“Red Hot and Ready” ***

This one follows the same formula as the previous loops.  A brunette strips for the camera before hoping into bed.  This gal, while she maybe not as attractive as some of the other starlets in the collection, is jiggly with a capital “J” as she does some memorable bumping and grinding throughout her energetic routine. 

“Lucious for You” ** ½ 

A brunette with heavy eye make-up and a big beehive undresses and flicks her tongue at the camera.  This one is hallmarked by camerawork that leers closely to its subject.  Sometimes it’s a little too close, but it does result in at least one great shot from between the model’s legs. 

“Innocent and Willing” ****

Up until now, all the segments have been relatively chaste.  Although all the models have appeared nude, there hasn’t been anything here that would be labeled as hardcore.  That all changes with this sequence, which features a hot blonde graphically masturbating.  Even if you aren’t a fan of vintage erotica, this loop may make you change your tune as it’s tawdry as all get out.  This was about as close to OnlyFans as you could get back in the ‘50s!

“Groovy for You” ** ½ 

After checking herself out in the mirror, a sexy brunette disrobes before sprawling out on a couch.  This one is a nice change of pace since it takes place on a couch rather than a bed.  Other than that, it’s not especially memorable although the model is definitely cute. 

“Candy” ***

A cute short haired brunette with glasses undresses.  At first, she seems shy and demure, but once her glasses come off, she can bump and grind with the best of them.  The shot of her bent over for the camera that concludes the reel is especially saucy. 

“Old Fashion” ***

A chick that kind of resembles Jackie O. undresses and gives the viewer a come-hither type look before lounging on her bed.  While this one follows essentially the same formula as nearly all the other loops featured here, the winning personality of the model helps make it one of the most memorable. 

“Spunky and Loving It” *** ½ 

This is another case where the enthusiasm of the subject makes all the difference.  Our leading lady does the Twist while wearing nothing but a cardigan and black panties.  While she’s twisting, her boobs and buns wiggle and jiggle something fierce.  Then she sprawls out on her bed while wearing long black gloves before another twisting striptease.  Chubby Checker eat your heart out!

“The Smiling Blonde” ** ½ 

Hey what gives?  This one is all about a frowning brunette!  Just kidding.  There’s not much to this one as it’s short and (mostly) sweet.  At least the model wastes no time when it comes to ditching her stitching. 

“Cute and Curly” **

This reel (about a redhead doing a striptease) looks noticeably older than the previous loops.  (It’s possibly from the ‘40s.)  It’s not terrible, but the extensive print damage and focus problems take much of the fun out of the equation. 

“Margie” ** ½ 

A platinum princess pops her top and poses for the camera.  This one is really short and doesn’t go anywhere, but the model is hot. 

“Sweet and Bored” **

Here’s another short loop plagued with print problems.  It’s a shame too because the model is definitely cute.  It makes you wish the cameraman had found more for her to do. 

“Bed Manners” ***

This one shows what you can do when you have a cameraman who likes to keep things interesting and a model with screen presence and sex appeal.  It’s brief and to the point, but it works 

“A Little Tipsy” ***

True to the title, the model looks to be under the influence here.  She’s still plenty hot and looks great while slinking around on a sofa and showing off her ample bush before rolling onto the floor and undulating on all fours.  I bet she’s fun at parties. 

“More for the Pillow” ***

A naked blonde cavorts and contorts on a bed.  This one gets right down to business, which after a few hours of watching this sort of thing, is appreciated.  It also helps that the subject seems to be thoroughly enjoying herself. 

“Beached Mermaid” *** ½ 

This short offers two firsts for the collection.  One:  It takes place outdoors.  Two:  It’s in color!  A cute blonde drops her towel on the beach and frolics nude in the sand with an oversized beach ball.  The color photography enhances her great smile and lovely figure, making this one of the better shorts on the DVD. 

“More Than a Wink” *** ½ 

A brunette fidgets in her sleep before removing her clothes and gyrating around.  Folks, we’ve all seen sleepwalking, but this might be the first instance of sleepstripping!  Add to that the fact that she can twerk better asleep than some girls can awake (and the fact that she can’t seem to keep her tongue in her mouth), and you have yourself a wild short and a great way to end the first disc. 

“The Shave” ****

Disc Two kicks off with another color short.  If you’ve had your fill of fuzzy beavers throughout this collection, this will be the perfect antidote.  A beautiful blonde disrobes in her bedroom before lathering up her nether region and shaving her pubic hair.  You know, there is something to be said for impeccable grooming habits.  Like “Nude in Dracula’s Castle”, this is a classic of its kind.  Little touches like the close-up of the razor or the use of a mirror by the model to aid her in her quest for a shorn mound makes this borderline art.  It probably belongs in the MoMA.  It would’ve been a classic anyway if it had just been a single shaving scene, but afterwards, the model gets dressed (she’s just as hot getting dressed as she is undressing) in a see-thru crotchless and bottomless two-piece pajamas before undressing for the camera AGAIN.  How this didn’t win an Oscar for Best Short Film I’ll never know. 

“Eros POB 613 Copenhagen” ***

This looks to be an excerpt from Danish nudist movie.  Four naked gals parade around a pool and perform an impromptu beauty pageant.  The winner is crowned, and she’s handed a trophy.  Then, the ladies play a game where they throw a tennis ball over a volleyball net.  (I guess they blew their budget on the trophy and couldn’t afford a real volleyball.)  This one is novel for its use of multiple set-ups, more than one model, and an actual storyline (loose as it may be). 

“Beauty and the Beach” ***

A spunky blonde in a black bikini is strolling along the beach.  She then sneaks behind the rocks where she sheds her swimwear to enjoy the surf and sand au natural.  The combination of a cute model and scenic location work makes for another solid entry in the collection. 

“Double Your Pleasure” ***

A blonde and a brunette lug a bag of golf clubs through the desert and play with a beach ball.  When the beach ball pops, they decide to just sunbathe.  This is another short that has a naturist vibe to it.  My only complaint is that the golf clubs never really come into play (aside from the brunette taking one or two practice swings).

“Cynthia” *** ½ 

A hot blonde lounges nude in bed while batting her lashes for the audience.  While this is one of the simplest loops, it is also one of the most effective as our model has oodles of sex appeal and the camera absolutely adores her. 

“Beauties Bathing” ***

I really enjoy these nudist camp style shorts.  In this one, three gals at a beach house strip, roll around in the sand, perform calisthenics, toss around a volleyball, and lounge on top of a picnic table.  (One model also checks on lunch, which includes a pineapple and a big fake fish.)  This loop is so much fun you may forget that the beauties never get around to bathing. 

“On the Road to You” ** ½ 

A naked blonde leaves her car to sunbathe in the desert.  Then it’s back into the car where she heads off to her destination, the Lazy X Ranch.  The outdoor locations make this one stand out, even though it lacks the fun and charm of some of the other loops in the set. 

“Blonde Swinger” ***

If you were bummed about the lack of nude golfing in “Double Your Pleasure”, this short is for you.  A naked blonde grabs a golf clubs and practices her… uh… stroke.  (“Swinger”!  Get it?).  Plus, it’s in color!  Why can’t the LGPA be like THIS?

“Missy” *** ½ 

A demure model with an amazing rack and impeccable bush lies on a couch and bares all for the camera.  There’s not much to this one and there doesn’t have to be since the starlet is a straight-up smokeshow. 

“Close to You” *** ½ 

This one is Bush-o-Rama!  The camera rarely ventures below the model’s thighs or above her belly button.  In short, there’s enough beaver here to make you say damn!

“Sweet and Anxious" *** ½ 

A dark-haired cutie strips out of her black lingerie and teases the camera.  Here’s a sterling example of a model’s playful enthusiasm elevating what could’ve been a thoroughly ordinary loop.  She gives us a perfect amount of tease and please, and leaves us wanting more, but in the best possible way. 

“Queen for a Night” ***

It’s almost like you get two shorts for the price of one in this final loop.  A busty maid strips and tries on her queen’s crown and cloak.  Meanwhile, a gorgeous gal disrobes on a bed.  I don’t know what the heck one has to do with the other, but the models are both pretty hot. 

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

I was fortunate enough to once again appear on Matt’s Direct to Video Connoisseur Podcast.  On this episode we talked about Dolph Lundgren’s religious-themed revenge actioner, Missionary Man!  I even managed to slip a conversation about W.A.V.E. movies in there.  Check it out: DTVC Podcast 235, "Missionary … - DTVC Podcast - Apple Podcasts