THE TESTAMENT OF ANN LEE (2025) **

“Prosthetic butthole”. 

I read an interview recently where Amanda Seyfried said she wore a prosthetic butthole for this movie.  I am not lying when I say that the moment that sentence concluded, I added The Testament of Ann Lee to my watchlist.  Nothing, and I mean nothing will make me see a movie quicker than combining the words “Amanda Seyfried” and “prosthetic butthole”. 

Much to my chagrin, this is one of those movies that is set in the same mold as The VVitch where everyone speaks Olde English and whispers their dialogue in hushed tones.  There’s also a bunch of fancy period appropriate calligraphy during the chapter breaks and shit to remind you how slavish the production was to getting all the period details right.  To make matters worse, the prosthetic butthole is barely in it. Bummer. 

Seyfried stars as Ann, a deeply religious woman who eventually forms The Shakers.  They earn their moniker from the shaking and convulsing that the members exhibit when they are in the throes of religious ecstasy.  One prolonged bout of religious display gets Ann sent to jail and while imprisoned, she has powerful visions.  Imbued with the power of God, she sets out to spread her gospel to the New World. 

The most interesting aspect of the movie occurred early on when Ann’s husband, played by Christopher Abbott, tries some Fifty Shades of Grey shit on her to mimic religious ecstasy in the bedroom.  I think this was the scene where she wore the prosthetic butthole, but we never really get a close-up of it.  I’m guessing it was less of a “prosthetic butthole” and more of an “ass merkin”.  Kind of a rip-off, if you ask me. 

Once Ann orders that all who become members of her sect must remain celibate, my interest started to wane.  The biggest problem though is all the musical numbers of parishioners dancing and gallivanting around.  Seyfried and company will randomly burst out into spiritual numbers in the middle of a scene, and the songs don’t really have any emotional and narrative resonance.  I’ve got to be honest with you, a little of this goes a long way. 

That said, I stuck with it to the bitter end.  And, yes, I was bitter that Amanda’s end wasn’t properly featured.  However, the fact that I kept watching this is a testament to my devotion to Seyfried. 

SUPER BOOBS VOL. 1 (199?) ** ½

This Something Weird compilation packs a bunch of shorts featuring buxom beauties into a two-hour block.  Some are better than others, as is usually the case with these sorts of things.  Then again, it’s hard to nitpick when many of the boobs on display are super.  You can’t accuse it of false advertising, that’s for sure.

Short #1:  “Untitled” A busty blonde does a striptease on a burlesque stage.  Her stilted routine and deer-in-headlights demeanor detract from this color short, but her upper body is definitely worthy of the collection’s moniker.  (**)

Short #2:  “Movie Model” This is a nudie loop featuring a short haired blonde disrobing in her living room.  Her massive mammaries are on full display for most of the running time and are the main focal point throughout.  Too bad the boorish droning British narrator takes a lot of the fun out of it. (** ½)

Short #3:  “The Big Bust” A topless maid pours herself a drink.  She eventually gets naked and writhes around on an animal pelt.  This one starts off well enough, but like the previous short, the narration doesn’t match the action, which quickly becomes irksome. (** ½)

Short #4:  “Untitled” An older looking model removes her negligee and poses for the camera.  Later, she dons different lingerie and strips out of that too.  If you can get past the fact the model isn’t very photogenic (she even has a tattoo, which is kind of rare for an old timey loop) you might enjoy it, if only because of her heavy hangers. (**)

Short #5:  “Buxom Blonde” A blonde in a Santa Claus hat strips, plays cards, does some stretching exercises, and makes a phone call.  This is another segment in which the annoying audio (taken from some random nudie movie) spoils much of the fun.  The model is extremely cute though, even if the short never takes full advantage of the Santa Claus motif. (** ½)

Short #6:  “The Sea Siren” A busty brunette chops wood topless.  She eventually decides her pants are interfering with her lumberjack duties and takes them off too.  She then goes for a dip in a nearby creek (not exactly the “sea”, but it’ll do in pinch).  Just when I think I’ve seen it all, along comes a topless lumberjack.  Not only did it restore my faith in this collection, but it restored my faith in humanity as well.  Not only that, but the model kinda looks like Marilyn Monroe and has the best body in the entire compilation.  Oh, and to top it all off, the scene is partially backed by the great toe-tapping tune “The Right Kind” from The Kiss of Her Flesh.  What more can you ask for?  Super indeed! (****)

Short #7:  “The Forest Nymph” A woman wakes up beside a pond wearing nothing but a lei and a hula skirt.  She then proceeds to topless hula dance.  Every time she falls back asleep, she awakens wearing a different flimsy garment.  This one has a fun gimmick and the model’s enthusiasm looks genuine, making for a good time all around. (***)

Short # 8:  “Hold Me” A sexy redhead disrobes on a chez lounge.  The use of the Something Weird favorite, “Hot Blooded Woman” synchs up pretty well here.  It’s enough to make you wish they only used songs and instrumentals from their other releases and scrapped all the dialogue snippets. (****)

Short # 9:  “Slightly High” A classy dame strips while lounging in bed.  She then changes into a sheer nightgown (but not for long).  This is a simple, but effective loop made memorable by a genuinely sexy model. (***)

Short #10:  “Rip Tide” A nude brunette with a premium chassis suns herself on her patio furniture.  She then decides to splash her feet in the pool.  There really isn’t much to this one, but the fact that the model has arguably the best body in the entire collection makes it a winner. (*** ½)

This compilation suffers from some definite highs and lows.  Then again, all the models have super boobs, which is important when you’re starring in something called Super Boobs Vol. 1.  Besides, the fact that the best segments are weighted towards the back half means things end on a high note.  Had things trended in the opposite direction, the whole enterprise might’ve gone tits up. 

THE LOVERS’ GUIDE 2: MAKING SEX EVEN BETTER (1992) ***

The British sensation of sex education returns with another entry.  This one is broken up into nine chapters. Chapter 1 is about “Sex and Communication”.  This is full of basic information for couples that makes sense and seems redundant, but I guess some people just have to hear it out loud.  Chapter 2:  “Planning Erotic Times” is about taking time out from your busy schedule to make room for quality romantic interaction with your partner.  Chapter 3 is self-explanatory:  “Foreplay”.  The dry British narration is good for a few laughs in this segment.  Some of my favorite lines were:  “Non-penetrative pleasuring” and “Some men like a well-lubricated finger in the anus!”

“Intensifying Intercourse” is next.  It shows us various positions and techniques to heighten stimulation.  The highlight is when we get a Superman X-Ray vision shot of the man’s penis while it’s thrusting away inside the woman.  While the narrators sing the praises of prolonged lovemaking in this segment, they also acknowledge the fun of the “quickie”. 

Chapter 5 is on “Creative Lovemaking Positions”.  It’s kind of hard to shock me, but I was genuinely surprised by the one position where the guy rolls up into a ball, and the woman sits on him like a human rocking chair.  Never seen that one before.  That’s followed by Chapter 6:  “Beyond the Bedroom" (which includes sex in places such as the kitchen, bathtub, and in public) and Chapter 7:  “Sex Games” (which encourages taking photos, role playing, and performing stripteases for your partner). 

Chapter 8 is entitled “Safer Sex and First Nights”.  It’s a brief guide for couples just starting out and/or are non-committal.  It also stresses the use of condoms.  Since the scenes of people boning are shown alongside sobering AIDS statistics, it kind of throws cold water on the whole thing.  The final chapter is on “Overcoming Boredom” and features tips to spice up your sexual adventures within a long-lasting relationship. 

Sex education is inherently funny.  When I watch shit like this, it takes me back to 6th grade Sex Ed class when we used to giggle at all the videos they used to show us.  Like the original, The Lovers’ Guide 2:  Making Sex Even better is full of softcore scenes of canoodling and kissing that eventually gives way to some hardcore action (mostly jerking off and suck jobs).  

For couples, I have to say there’s nothing especially revelatory here. It’s all rather basic information, really.  As a sequel, it’s not quite as good as the first one and the hardcore action isn’t as steamy either.  Nevertheless, it’s still a fun way to spend an hour. 

The highpoint of the hilarious narration had to be:  “Do be careful when it comes to inserting things into your vagina!”

SPIDER BABY (2024) * ½

Remaking Spider Baby isn’t the worst idea in the world but turning it into an ersatz Grindhouse movie was a big miscalculation.  It also doesn’t help that the filmmakers constantly ape Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses as It uses the same washed-out kind of interstitials that bookend scenes and are filled with clips from old cartoons and nudies.  (House star Robert Mukes also appears as the narrator.)  The Zombie-style heavy metal song that plays over the opening credits is laughably bad too.  I mean nothing could top the original film’s theme song (sung by its star, Lon Chaney Jr.).  However, this shit is terrible.  

Siblings Virginia (Skylar Fast) and Elizabeth (Emma Keifer) are stricken by The Merrye Syndrome, a rare condition that reverts them back to a childlike state.  Sometimes, they even regress so far back that they inhabit a primitive mindset which makes them capable of unspeakable violence.  When Aunt Emily (Jennifer Moriarty) comes to the house to send the children away, they turn on their nasty relatives. 

While the Jack Hill original had some disturbing elements, the humanity that emanated from Lon Chaney Jr.’s performance and his outpouring of unconditional love for the “children” made it a surprisingly heartwarming and unique motion picture experience.  This one is just a cheap cash-in trading on the name and reputation of a classic.  Director Dustin Ferguson has made some good low budget movies (like Axed to Pieces).  He’s made some bad ones too (like Amityville in the Hood).  I think you can guess what category this falls into.  Like I said, this is more of a miscalculation than anything.  The Grindhouse filter on the camera would’ve been fine for flashback scenes, but to make the whole movie with the obvious filter just calls attention to itself.

I guess the good news is that it’s less than an hour long.  Even that is a mixed blessing as the finale feels really rushed and the potentially poignant ending isn’t given enough room to breathe.  At least Ferguson was smart enough to not overstay his welcome. 

Chaney’s son, Ron has a cameo as a doctor early on, which was a nice touch.  It’s Noel Jason Scott though who takes over Chaney’s old role as Bruno the caretaker.  He certainly tries, and although he can’t compete with Lon, he easily gives the best performance of the movie. 

They somehow wrangled Hill into serving as an executive producer on this.  I’m not sure what he got out of it other than a paycheck.  This version ultimately winds up feeling like those actor recreations you see in true crime shows.  It also sorely lacks the humanity, wit, and warmth that made the original a classic.  Maybe if you’ve never seen the original, you might not be as incensed.  For me, there is no comparison. 

AKA:  Spider Baby, or the Maddest Story Ever Told. 

SWINGING WIVES (1973) ***

Swinging Wives is a West German sexploitation movie made in the Schoolgirl Report mold.  It purports to be an expose about marriage and infidelity that is supposedly taken from “real” case studies of actual couples.  Sprinkled in between are man on the street interviews.  It’s all just an excuse to show some T & A. 

You know a movie is on the right track when it features a housewife doing nude housework including vacuuming, ironing, and washing the dishes during opening credits. 

The first segment is about a couple who are full of passion on their wedding night, but the spark quickly runs out.  Next, we have an interview with a door-to-door masseur who caters to the needs of his married female clientele.  Then, a frustrated housewife defies her husband and visits a swingers’ party next door.  That’s followed by a bridge club who surprises a delivery man by playing their game in the nude.  A teenage girl learns her mother is having an affair and sets out to seduce her mom’s suitor in the next vignette.  Afterwards, a wife tries to take her own life after having an affair with her husband’s best friend.  We then learn a mailman’s guide to servicing the lonely wives on his route.  Next, a woman puts the moves on her gynecologist when he drops in for a house call.  Then, there’s a segment on a door-to-door smut peddler who gets it on with a married client.  That’s followed by a story about a bored housewife who takes to turning tricks to make a little money on the side and predictably winds having her husband as a client.  Finally, we return to our first couple to check on their progress. 

Most of these kinds of movies have an episodic nature, which can yield uneven results.  The good news about Swinging Wives is that the episodes are all rather entertaining.  The best segments manage to blend humor into the mix.  In fact, the movie sort of gets better as it goes along, mostly because the sequences in the second half feature wives who seem to be having fun while they are swinging. 

The dubbed dialogue contains some real howlers too.  My favorite line comes when a swinger sees a sexy housewife and quips to his friend, “That’s real humping material right there!” 

AKA:  The New Hot Report:  What Men Don’t Think is Possible.

CARNE (1968) ** ½

I attended a John Waters Q & A a while back and asked him who his favorite under-the-radar B-movie director was and he responded with Armando Bo.  Since I had already seen (and loved) Fuego, I knew I had to start checking into Bo’s back catalogue.  The fact that he always cast the buxom and beautiful Isabel Sarli (his on-screen muse as well as off) in his films, didn’t hurt either. 

The first thing you see in Carne is Sarli posing nude.  That’s quickly followed by a love scene AND a rape scene… all BEFORE the opening credits!

See, Sarli loves her boyfriend, who is an artist and paints her in the nude.  They both have a day job at the local meat packing plant.  Her rapist is a trucker who delivers meat to the place.  After raping her again, he kidnaps her and holds her captive in his meat truck where he shares her with his friends. 

Bo has been called the Argentinian Russ Meyer, and for good reason.  Not only does he love to feature hot busty babes in his movies, but the stylized editing and camerawork is very reminiscent of old Russ.  He certainly isn’t subtle.  Consider the scenes of Sarli in the factory as she symbolically handles raw meat.  The way her attacker views her as “meat” is so “on the nose”, it could very well be up the nose.  The scene where she is chased through a veritable maze of hanging beef in the meat locker by her rapist is effective too, although some will be put off by the scene when he throws her on a slab of beef and says, “Meat on meat!” before defiling her.  Oh, and did I mention when he throws her in his truck, there’s a cutaway to some signage that reads, “Meat in Transit”?

Most of the drama comes from whether her beau will A) Avenge Sarli’s defilement and/or B) Forgive her.  I’m sure you can pretty much guess what will happen. 

The reason to watch it is for Sarli.  Despite this being an exploitation flick, she doesn’t get naked as often as you might expect.  That’s appropriate too, given the subject matter.  However, those brief nude scenes are really something.  Because of Sarli, Carne is enjoyable even if the rest of the film isn’t exactly well done. 

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

Matt from The DTVC Podcast invited me to discuss the immortal classic, Champagne and Bullets.  If you have ever done the "Shimmy Slide" or have always been curious about doing so, I wholeheartedly encourage you to give it a listen.   DTVC Podcast 264, "Champagne a… - DTVC Podcast - Apple Podcasts